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Thread: How many times do I have to get busted?

  1. #26
    Aspiring Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Interesting discussion. Just thought I would add my take on your situation Natalie.

    Some of us tend to lump DADT all together but there seems to be varying degrees. The two main categories being:

    1. Wife knows you have girly things in the drawer. She knows you dress up when she is away, but really does not want to see it at all. The attitude being- remove everything from sight and do not try to talk about it, but I know you have women?s things.

    2. Category two is what I have - complete non acceptance. She knows I like to wear certain things as I have been caught and has been discussed in times past, but she is not going to ask me about it and expects me to not bring it up. In that sense, it is DADT because there is an agreement that it can not be discussed. The difference is I am not allowed to own even a single pair of pantyhose without getting in very hot water. Nothing feminine. Period.

    So It seems your wife is really leaning towards category 2 - non acceptance. Category 1 is a small degree of acceptance or tolerance. In both cases DADT applies only because it is not a topic up for discussion, but in reality they are quite different.


    Sandi

  2. #27
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Sandi, if you are not allowed to own anything feminine, where does DADT come in? Seems to me it is just DON"T!

  3. #28
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sandi Beech View Post
    Interesting discussion. Just thought I would add my take on your situation Natalie.

    Some of us tend to lump DADT all together but there seems to be varying degrees. The two main categories being:

    1. Wife knows you have girly things in the drawer. She knows you dress up when she is away, but really does not want to see it at all. The attitude being- remove everything from sight and do not try to talk about it, but I know you have women?s things.

    2. Category two is what I have - complete non acceptance. She knows I like to wear certain things as I have been caught and has been discussed in times past, but she is not going to ask me about it and expects me to not bring it up. In that sense, it is DADT because there is an agreement that it can not be discussed. The difference is I am not allowed to own even a single pair of pantyhose without getting in very hot water. Nothing feminine. Period.

    So It seems your wife is really leaning towards category 2 - non acceptance. Category 1 is a small degree of acceptance or tolerance. In both cases DADT applies only because it is not a topic up for discussion, but in reality they are quite different.....
    I like what Sandi wrote but I also can imagine several degrees of compromise in between. We do have that choice of just saying "I wanna be me" and everything hits the fan.
    Once the dust clears, it's over, done, finite...OR, she accepts. Sure is nice to have a spouse in our soon to be Golden years, hmmmm...choices.
    I feel your pain Natalie, I am right there....except my wife has bought me nail polish, satin panties, shapers, and feminine smelling mosturizers.
    She know I do things of a feminine nature but I think if she knew the whole story, I would be in the same boat as Sandi. For me, it's best she don't know more.
    The things we do to keep our marriage on a even keel....
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  4. #29
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pumped View Post
    Sandi, if you are not allowed to own anything feminine, where does DADT come in? Seems to me it is just DON"T!
    It comes in as in:
    - Wife didn't run up the hills
    - You still have a marriage

  5. #30
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    The US Military's DADT policy (from Wikioedia).

    "Don't ask, don't tell" (DADT) was the official United States policy on military service by gay men, bisexuals, and lesbians, instituted by the Clinton Administration.

    The policy prohibited military personnel from discriminating against or harassing closeted homosexual or bisexual service members or applicants, while barring openly gay, lesbian, or bisexual persons from military service.

    The act prohibited any homosexual, bisexual or transgender person from disclosing [don't tell] their sexual orientation or from speaking about any same-sex relationships, including marriages or other familial attributes, while serving in the United States armed forces.

    A clear violation of "DT" is leaving your clothes where they can be found.

    The "don't ask" part of the DADT policy specified that superiors should not initiate investigation of a service member's orientation without witnessing disallowed behaviors, though credible evidence of homosexual behavior could be used to initiate an investigation.

    A clear violation of DA is "snooping", like on someone's phone, computer or "closet".
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  6. #31
    Sunshine Gal AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    The easy solution is to just tell your wife she can't wear trousers any more!

  7. #32
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DianeT View Post
    It comes in as in:
    - Wife didn't run up the hills
    - You still have a marriage
    I think you missed my point. To me DADT assumes some degree that there will be CD'ing done in the home. If CD'ing is absolutely not allowed it is not DADT any longer, it is DON"T!

    I guess I can understand the DADT where the spouse will never want to see any evidence, to the DADT where the spouse doesn't want to see you dressed, but an occasional piece of clothing forgotten is ok., but when it gets to you are not allowed to have any feminine stuff at all, that is not DADT.

  8. #33
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    Every relationship is different and they don't all fit neatly under one label (unless that label covers a broad range of conditions).

    The bottom line is, if you are expected to hide your dressing from your wife but she keeps finding evidence of it, you are not doing a good job of hiding it. You need to take hiding your stuff more seriously.
    Krisi

  9. #34
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    In the OP, "... smelling like my wife's perfume....."

    Sounds like you need Don't Ask, Don't Smell.

    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  10. #35
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    I agree with the concept if a wife is adamant that her husband will not don any feminine clothing, period it is not Don't Ask, Don't Tell. It's "Don't Do That or Else!" Tales of woe on this site are common. The guy has to hide his "stash" in the trunk of a car; in an out building; hidden in the drop ceiling; in the attic. Deliveries made to a friend; a hidden post of office box. Purchases made with cash or gift cards. The stories are endless. Others are able to freely come and go, but, leave a wife out of it; totally.

    This forum is full of "go slow." Test the waters. See if the wife will negatively react to a femme article of clothing here and there, then expand it. Hopefully, the end result with be what the guys wants. I view the post to be an effort to test the waters. I would guess if a wife were to blow a fuse over an article of clothing left out, the guy would be more careful in the future. One thing I found very disturbing was using the wife's perfume. If my wife is representative of all females, there is great effort made to find a scent she wants to be associated with. To have a husband co-opt her scent is really asking for a bruising. I think it worse than wearing her clothing.

    There are many women, if not a majority, who want absolutely nothing to do with their husband's desire to wear women's clothing. My wife is among them. However, when we had "The Talk" she said, if I wanted to join a support group that was fine with her. My wife has girl friends; that's plural. She has one husband; that's singular. She does not need another girl friend! Yes, I am envious of others who have a support wife who participates, but I also respect my wife's position in the matter. None, of that "if she loves me, she....." That works both ways, doesn't it?

  11. #36
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    great comment It strange how we, CDs, can get a kick out of the mall but GGs find it boring. I agree but I still get a kick out of it

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    I guess I do get busted now and again but my wife says she doesn't care but I think she does and she doesn't like it. It is certainly not an open discussion but thats me and the guilt I feel. I keep my thing in a locker room with several other girls and don't let my wife know when I visit there. It eases my guilt but limits my CD time. I should probably see a therapist to help rid my of that guilt
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  12. #37
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pumped View Post
    I guess I can understand the DADT where the spouse will never want to see any evidence, to the DADT where the spouse doesn't want to see you dressed, but an occasional piece of clothing forgotten is ok., but when it gets to you are not allowed to have any feminine stuff at all, that is not DADT.
    Pumped, I am with what Krisi said just below your post. In DADT the dresser is at least expected to hide his stuff properly and not leave evidence. Everyone can make a mistake. I did a couple myself (I'm not in DADT, my wife is ok to talk about it but doesn't want to see it). I apologized each time to her. But when it's every other day or week, there's a good possibility that it is in fact intentional, so, not a mistake anymore, but rather playing a game (the famous drip drip drip and all derivative works). These games are super cruel for the wife (or SO). If you love yours you shouldn't do that to her.
    My wife often tells me that a difference between girls and boys education is that girls are told more that they have to please people, to be helpful (put more bluntly: be at their service). As grown up women they may tend to sometimes accept more than they can bear because it is harder for them to say no. For crossdressing husbands this is very important to keep in mind. Because when discussing boundaries there is a chance that some wives will accept to draw the line beyond their comfort zone, which will prove taxing or downright unbearable for them in the medium or long term, and they will regret what they accepted. They will then react in different ways, but some will not dare rediscussing it and their discomfort will surface in different ways, sadness, anger, that the husband will not understand.
    I see all the times husbands complaining in these boards that their wives won't let them cross the limits they agreed on. But honestly, if I was them, instead of asking for more, I would ask first if the current deal is still bearable for her. Because it may already be too much, she may be miserable while putting a good face and we don't have a clue.

  13. #38
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sandi, my adult, live in daughter and I had DADT #3:

    I told her when and where I would be dressing in the house or grounds and she made sure to avoid those places or to be gone at those times!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  14. #39
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    Diane T, I have been with my current wife for 31 years, all (2 ex's) knew before we got married. This Lady and I had the talk the night we met. Not brave, just figured it was better to be up front before we got too far in the relationship. She wasn't to sure up front and was quite awhile before she wanted to meet Tammy. One of the first things we agreed on that there would be a lot more "hubby" time than Tammy. After 31 years together I can dress with impunity, but still spend more hubby time than Tammy. I have gotten to where I only wear under garments when I am with her. It is my choice and I don't have any regrets on my choices. My wife is the Lady of my life and She knows I can't stop and buys me more womens wear than I ever have.

    In my case it is self disipline and absolute love for my wife.

  15. #40
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    Diane T, that is a lot of empathy there.
    Does it somewhat reinforce typical ideals though. The man must be strong for the weak and oppressed woman? Restrain ones folly and become a closed in grumpy old git for the sake of an unsatisfying and unending compromise. Probably exhibiting toxic behaviours and usually the people you love most taking the brunt of it... not necassarily aggressive but miserable, jaded, detached and unable to fulfil.

    Is it not more sensible to just realise the relationship is not ideal and tackle the issue head on and just scrap it? Marriage was the mistake to be fixed in most of these DADT cases not harmless self expression. I don't think the expedient language used is very helpful. Girl Mode, en femme... it promotes ideas that people are running around in different modes. Which is hardly true if you're running about in boy mode yearning to be in this girl mode. That's just hidden girl mode surely.

    Start with being honest with yourself I'd say. Nowt wrong with Dave in a dress. Performing these acts for other people won't affect any positive change in the general attitude. Its agreement by inaction.

  16. #41
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    First off I have to disagree with the first comment that suggests she doesnt love all of you, thats false. Every time I read that we dont love ALL of you I just cringe .She loves you ( so far ) just not the dressing.
    Yes ,as we've said before we don't want a girlfriend ,we want a husband and that's why we marry you all , we should be best friends no matter how you dress .If you cant be our friends/companion without wearing a dress then you have bigger issues that us.

    Read and re read posts from Krisi , DianeT ,and Stephanie. They have a good handle on how we (gg's) feel about stuff and they are not hoping their SO's vanish one day either.

    With my two , my ex husband did not tell me. At all . Even when I asked what was up he lied and gaslit me. I dont think ever told the truth ., His woman became Monique ( his femme side ) ,period. He slowly fell for her until "she" became his partner so when he dressed I knew he would not care to be intimate with me and I really grew to hate her . I still do ,she absolutely ruined my life and his life too ...He talked about me in the cd/trans forums on FB the same way I see some of you talk about your SOs and its not right . Some of you need to let these women be with someone who actually loves them .. It became such an obsession with my ex ,that he could do nothing but dress ,sneak dress , fight to dress ,dally with other men ,you name it . Life just came to a standstill.

    This here ^^^ is why I am less accepting today than I was. I wont let that happen to me again. Life is too short .

    My late fiance ,I met him dressed ,he dressed ,in public even but , I was his entire #1 world in public , private . 24/7 and I knew it ,EVERYONE knew it literally until the day he died. He NEVER let me forget it . He would do this elegant glam androgynous male side just for me to enjoy frequently on his own and would never dream of getting rid of me so he could dress or complain/ be resentful about dressing etc etc . It really made a difference . He was actually afraid that I might die first and he be left not just alone but WITHOUT ME . Dressing wasn't on his mind 365 a year .. he also didnt try to force me to like anything .

    ^^^^^^ All this made a difference.

    I do other stuff now.
    Last edited by Dutchess; 07-29-2021 at 07:12 PM.
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  17. #42
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    @Natalie: from past posts, it didn't seem you were in DADT, in the sense that you had discussions about the dressing with your wife, a closet for Natalie's wardrobe in the house, etc.
    Has something changed? Or are you calling it DADT because she doesn't want to see you dressed?
    Also you mentioned photos. So it seems your wife saw you dressed, just not in the flesh. Have you discussed with her the shock it may have caused to her? That kind of toothpaste that never goes back in the tube.
    Are you leaving evidences around by mistake, or to trigger a reaction from her?
    Is what you call a DADT request from your wife the result of a discussion about boundaries? Did you tell her that you want to dress to the full nines, want to go out, etc.?
    I may be wrong, but you seem to be dressing every time your wife is out for some duration, you are also going out, all this means taking more and more risks, more evidences left in view, or even be caught by a wife who doesn't want a part in it, a neighbor telling her, etc. I can't see how that spiraling can end well.
    Last edited by DianeT; 07-29-2021 at 07:22 PM.

  18. #43
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    I feel the same.
    My wife hates this side of me!
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  19. #44
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Very true. I need to put a lid on it. I will back off for a while. But I do hate that a person is managing me.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Duchess, you are super smart and worldly. Thank you.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Just so that you know.

    Yes I have a closet full of woman's clothes and my wife knows it. She comments about having 2 wardrobes.

    She has seen photos of me in full display. She was looking over my shoulder at the time.

    I removed those photos from my phone.

    Have we solved everything? No, at times she crumbles. I stand strong and tell her how much I lover her and will never leave her.

    She thinks I might be looking for a male partner for sex. That is not me. I have never said anything positive about a man other than the time we were in LA at a bistro and two young men were on a date and we both commented that they were beautiful and had sparkly eyes.

    I am pretty sure we will get past this issue. But the question remains. Will I ever get freedom to dress in the house and on a special occasion go out dressed with her for dinner. That is really all I want. I love my wife and will never leave her willingly.

  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchess View Post
    First off I have to disagree with the first comment that suggests she doesnt love all of you, thats false. Every time I read that we dont love ALL of you I just cringe .She loves you ( so far ) just not the dressing.
    Hi Dutchess It's profoundly uplifting to know that some of us may find people like yourself to spend a happy life with.

    Marriage really isn't any sort of commitment though - nothing like buying a house or having children. For some women this is the position they are in when they discover these truths and the weight of risk for being true themselves and leaving or staying and putting up is precarious situation...

    Indeed, your partner should be your best friend. A good friend wouldn't lure people into these traps. Yes I'm sure many CDers on here will say their wife is their best friend whilst not returning the favour. This should come out ahead of getting married - seems to be the sound foundation of the second relationship you described from experience.

    Is it true that upon discovery of this all women flock to this forum and try to work it out and eventually do? Or is there a significant numebr of them that bolt immediately or try and just can't? Without knowing Nathalie's Wife I think she should consider this and what she honestly wants as well as the extremes that we have presented... Successful love is understood by those receiving it. In this case it's nobody on this forum. Wifey has every right to make the often witnessed demands of being the centre of the world and it's embodiment of femininity.

  21. #46
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    @Natalie Did you tell her that this is all you want? Dressing around the house and go out with her to a dinner?
    I did not check all your past posts, so I'm not sure you ever had a discussion about boundaries. If not you should have this discussion. What you wish, what are her limits, and find a common ground you both agree on. Of course, this common ground may not be everything you wished for.
    Last edited by DianeT; 07-30-2021 at 02:28 AM.

  22. #47
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Yes I have. I asked for my Birthday or for a holiday treat.

  23. #48
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    I meant did you have the famous talk(s) about boundaries? Where you discuss your wishes and your wife's limits. Where you set the rules.

  24. #49
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Yes we have.

  25. #50
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    My wife told me that she does not want to see me dressed or know about it when I do. Since retiring we are together 24/7. I have a choice, either I value the marriage and do my best or I do not and take risks. It?s as simple as that, I never dress when she is expected to come home. Once or twice a year she goes out of town and I feel comfortable enough to dress. Sometimes it can be difficult for me but she is worth pleasing.

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