Until I was about 6 years old I was oblivious to gender. Since then I've passed through a variety of ways to respond to the feelings I've had. At first I was confused, later I was shocked and embarrassed, feeling like I was the only one. From the time I was a young adult until my early 40's it was a secret that I held closely knowing I wasn't unique but also understanding it was something that would threaten my stability and security. None the less, I began meeting others, eventually was out to my wife and accepted that I am Transgender. Eventually I realized I needed to transition and have been full time for the last year and a half and making both social, legal and medical changes.
Throughout the whole process I realized I was picking the low hanging fruit to get the kind of emotional response I needed. However, the fruit on that tree got higher and higher and more risky all the time. I struggled but avoided doing anything permanent and kept my poorly held secret in place until I'd managed to move into a lower risk life. Once I realized my core social group of family and closet friends supported me and I had retired with reliable income, there was nothing to hold me back. I've finally stopped carrying dysphoria around as a constant burden and for the first time in years I'm happy.
