For non-op TS's

[Deborah]

You read threads everyday elsewhere in this forum about turning into a women overnight. Let's pretend it will never happen.
So would you take the one that would kill the nagging voice in your head about wishing/wanting to be a girl and leave you to be a CD instead?
Or to go even further a "normal" male?

Since i know i'll never get the surgery or take hormones i wish i could just kill the voice (thought patterns/waves) whatever you prefer to call it.

The clothes to be honest i could care less about, but at least if i was left as a CD i'd still be able to visit here with the rest of my girlfriends.

[CharlaineCadence]

TO op or not to op? That is the question.

For me I am at this point in time too early into my transistion to think about the idea of srs. for me I want to first know I can live as a woman full time before I go the finale stage of my transistion. I will be honest that it scares me to even think about it. I want to spend a few years on my meds and talking to my theripst before i think about what I call the full blossem.
I'm worried more at this my abilities to be a woman. i wish to spend more time learing my gestures, walk, speech ect. once I learn all of this and feel as though I pass I will then think about the srs. but untill then I will tuck. As for the voices in my head I dont have any unless i'm dressed as a man then then i am reminded that I really am a woman.

[CaptLex]

So would you take the one that would kill the nagging voice in your head about wishing/wanting to be a girl and leave you to be a CD instead? Or to go even further a "normal" male?

Well, I suppose the choice for me it would be whether to kill the voice or become a "normal" female. My first instinct is to say neither, but if those are the only two choices, then I would opt to remain a CD as I know I could never be a happy as a woman. I can live somewhere in between if I have to, but never to the female extreme.

Deborah, I hope you find a place where you'll be comfortable and happy.

[joanlynn28]

I admit that I too am at the stage to see if I can live as a female before I explore SRS. I have done some personal research (talking with pre-op TS's) and the important things that really matter are do I have good support from family and friends, would I have any problems with my current employer on me transitioning and still be working. I asked about gender specialist and they say don't bother with them, if you have a good therapist that is really all you need, the therapist is just there for you to sound off and talk to. And yes I have the voices in my head that say to become a woman, and they go away when I am dressed. This christian therapist that I saw once though really ticked me off, telling me that I hate myself and that if I was born female that I would still want to transition, but from a ftm transexual. I am completely comfortable and accepting on the way I am. Hearing this negative talk only made me depressed and want to kill myself if that were really true. He told me that I was living in a fantasy world of my own, there could be resentment towards our kind, he lost a former patient who ended up going all the way and transitioned and is now living life as a woman. I have found that I am quite comfortable and it just feels natural for me to dress and act like a woman. I even went to the grocery store the other day and also to the drugstore and nobody even gave me a second look to question my sex. And tucking, it feels good even when I tuck wearing my drab clothes, it feels uncomfortable now not to tuck.

[deeasheville]

You read threads everyday elsewhere in this forum about turning into a women overnight. Let's pretend it will never happen.
So would you take the one that would kill the nagging voice in your head about wishing/wanting to be a girl and leave you to be a CD instead?
Or to go even further a "normal" male?

Since i know i'll never get the surgery or take hormones i wish i could just kill the voice (thought patterns/waves) whatever you prefer to call it.

The clothes to be honest i could care less about, but at least if i was left as a CD i'd still be able to visit here with the rest of my girlfriends.

It would be nice to wake up in the body that I have longed for all my life, But I nolonger believe in Cinder-Rella storries.

I too know that I will never be able to have the surgery, but the hormones is a differant matter.

I could live as a CD, but in all my years of trying to act as a male, while haven the enter feelings of a woman, I don't know how to live as a MAN.

I believe I would just as soon dye before doing some of the things that some people think as acceptable male behavior.

0.02

[JamieTG]

Hi Deborah. I know what you are feeling. I wish I could go back to a time where I enjoyed wearing the clothes but could easily return to my masculine role. Now the clothes don't matter as much. I "feel" feminine all the time no matter what I am wearing. I keep on saying I can stay in this middle area and take it no further but my inner desires to take another step won't quit.
Jamie

[Maria D]

Personally I don't enjoy being TS. It brought too much pain to be enjoyable, ever, and transitioning is simply the means to the end of 'being happy with who I am', if that makes sense.
If I understand right, your pill would give me that while still being male; no transition, no desire to, and just being happy with being me. I would take it in a heartbeat, it'd bring the same end as transition without having to go through it. Wow!
To clarify my position, this isn't about 'being fem' to me, it's about ensuring my body matches my head's expectation of it, and I really don't care which changes. Sadly there's no choice and it has to be the body, which is a hard task. I am much happier the more 'fem' I get, but I don't 'enjoy' being fem, iyswim. Like a natal woman I simply have no choice. Who wants the hassle of shaving legs for instance? LOL. Tights? Underwire? Heels? It's a hard life. A girl at work joked that she might transition FTM just to get an easy life hehe.

Anyway, that's my answer. It'd love to have been normal, but I am what I am so I deal with that.

Take care

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Deorah

I wouldn't take anything, and I'd never change anything. I'm finally happy as is, happy as a clam, you know. All of the torment I suffered over the years made me into the person I am now, and I like what I see in myself now.

Karen

[Stlalice]

Deborah,
Wether or not you have SRS is really a minor issue. Call it the icing on the cake - not the cake itself. What maters is finding what my sister has called "peace in your own skin". And accepting your gender identity and learning to live with it is far more important than wether you are pre-op, post op, or non op. Probably the majority of trans folk stop at some stage on their journey and say to themselves "this is good enough - I'm at peace and I can live with this". Being non op in no way makes you any less valid where being transexual goes. For myself, yes SRS is still the preferred option but if for whatever reason I don't get that far I'll still be at peace with who I am.

[pattied]

I have found that I am quite comfortable and it just feels natural for me to dress and act like a woman. I even went to the grocery store the other day and also to the drugstore and nobody even gave me a second look to question my sex. And tucking, it feels good even when I tuck wearing my drab clothes, it feels uncomfortable now not to tuck.

JoanLynn, you are dead on for me! I am at that point to... I tuck. All the time. Period.

To clarify my position, this isn't about 'being fem' to me, it's about ensuring my body matches my head's expectation of it, and I really don't care which changes. Sadly there's no choice and it has to be the body, which is a hard task. I am much happier the more 'fem' I get, but I don't 'enjoy' being fem, iyswim. Like a natal woman I simply have no choice. Who wants the hassle of shaving legs for instance? LOL. Tights? Underwire? Heels? It's a hard life. A girl at work joked that she might transition FTM just to get an easy life hehe.

Again someone wrote my thoughts ahead of me... Maria you are correct in that it has to be the body that changes for me, not the mind. I tried to change the mind for nearly two and half decades and that only led to severe depression.

As for transition, The question isn't IF for me, but WHEN. And on Tuesday when I have my next appointment, I intend an asking about hormones, as in, when can I start?

Best of luck to you Deborah!

[Miriannah]

The only real thing that will ever really bring peace of mind is when a person can learn to accept themselves for who they are. For me, unless SRS can adjust my voice to something that isn't blatantly male, getting it might land me one step closer to the womanhood I long for...but at what cost? Don't get me wrong, but nearly every day, I find myself wishing I was a woman, but at the same time, I know that's just never a full option.

Instead, I've just learned to accept myself for what I am, a bisexual guy with an overly-effeminate personality. While that might drive some people away from me, that's fine--those people aren't anyone I'd want to get to know anyway.

I know us TS people feel out-of-place in our current sex, but ask yourself this: Why? Well, one factor is because the barriers of society try too hard to dictate what each sex should be like. Barriers like that are meant to be pushed down and walked over, except in cases where not adhering to them could be detrimental...in which case, just pretend they're there.

[Sarahgurl371]

Deborah, Yes I have had the thought. I used to think I could never be happy without this in my life. Back when I just let it out for a while then tucked it away neatly in its drawer just like the clothes I had borrowed. But it has become such a huge burden. Consuming my thoughts from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. I can't look at the TV, magazines, GG's on the street. Everywhere I turn I am reminded that I do not look the way I want to. So I have rapidly come to the point that I would probably take that pill.

I have always wondered if the clothing makes any difference at all? If I am really female on the inside, why can't I just know that, and be at peace with myself? Why do I need to have the outside look feminine?

Urghhhhh! I have come to the realization that this is all real for me though. Kind of the "I think therefore I am" thing. Now I just have to decide what to do about it all. How much is enough? What do I envision my future looking like?

[Kimberley]

Deborah,
I had to make this decision 15 years ago and decided to just stay CD. For me it was a bad decision as I am finding out through therapy. I think that realistically life as a CD is all I can expect; and a very closeted one at that.

I often find myself wishing I had made the decision to at least go full time while cursing myself for making the decision I did. (Today is one such day; not a good one.)

Kimberley.

[MarieTS]

Do you mean to tell me there are actually some people who don't tuck?!?!?

[Miriannah]

Do you mean to tell me there are actually some people who don't tuck?!?!?

I don't know how! *Cries*

[Jennaie]

Do you mean to tell me there are actually some people who don't tuck?!?!?

It figures that I would find this statement here in the transexual forum. I have read so many post by people who have never tucked and don't see the point of it. It seems that "not tucking" is the norm in the other forums.

I could not understand how they could possibly consider themselves fully dressed without tucking. To me it is an integral part of dressing.

I can see now how tucking belongs more amoung the non-op ts's or at least those of us who consider themselves a bit more female than male on the inside.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Deborah,

Being TG is not the sum total of who I am but it is an integral part of who and what I am. To kill the 'voices' would be to kill my identity. Who would I be then? What would I be then? Would this 'new' person be better? Would I necessarily be happier than I am now?

In 1997 when my issues came to a head, I was convinced that the 'nagging voice' in my head was telling me I needed to be a woman. I was so convinced, in fact, that I found myself caught up (mentally) in envisioning this new life and all that would be effected: explaining the whole transitioning thing, losing my family and friends, starting a whole new life.

Being a 'man' as defined by society today didn't resonate for me - it never felt right to me. I had interpreted this to mean that if I didn't feel like a 'man' then that means that I must feel like a 'woman'. At that time, I blindly accepted the construct that there were only two genders - man and woman - and to not be one implied that you were, by default, the other. And so the thoughts of 'transitioning' continued to plague me.

I took a step back and got some perspective from some other people. It didn't make the 'voices' stop, but it did get me thinking. The biggest step I ever took in understanding all of this was to overcome the whole notion of gender as a binary system. While this didn't change the fact that this was the model in place for society as a whole and that people - by and large - 'conform' to this, it changed how I saw myself. The 'voices' started to sound a little different - the nagging to 'be a woman' started to let up a bit. It didn't change the lack of resonance I had with the stereotype of 'man', but I caused me to examine these 'other' feelings a bit more and in a different context.

There are no uninterpreted experiences: everything we experience is weighed against prior experiences. For me, I had never heard another perspective on gender and once I did, I was able to start making inferences and connections I had not done before. I started connecting the dots in another pattern - a pattern which, for me, started to make a lot more sense - started to feel right. Again, the feelings - the 'voices' - didn't go away, but they started to make more sense to me.

As I worked through all of this, one thing I found - after a rather long break from being able to dress completely for a couple of years - was that where in the past dressing felt 'right', it now didn't feel any more 'right' than putting on a suit and tie. It felt like a facade - an act - it wasn't me. Where once I thought "had I only been born and raised as a girl..." I now felt that no matter which of the 'two' genders I had been born into and raised as, I'd probably have landed at the same spot at some time.

So, what does that make me? TG? CD? TS? Something altogether different?

I've stopped asking and labeling as it's all a matter of perspective.

I have to agree with Stlalice's comments:

What maters is finding what my sister has called "peace in your own skin". And accepting your gender identity and learning to live with it is far more important than wether you are pre-op, post op, or non op. Probably the majority of trans folk stop at some stage on their journey and say to themselves "this is good enough - I'm at peace and I can live with this".

And with Miriannah's entire post - especially:

The only real thing that will ever really bring peace of mind is when a person can learn to accept themselves for who they are.
...
I know us TS people feel out-of-place in our current sex, but ask yourself this: Why? Well, one factor is because the barriers of society try too hard to dictate what each sex should be like.

For me, I have accepted who I am for what I am and I can not see myself ever opting for GRS - it just doesn't fit into my life. Also, it wouldn't do anything to make me feel like I'd 'fit in' any better. Does that make me a non-op TS? I don't know - I don't think it matters. Have the feelings disappeared? No, they're still there and sometimes they are stronger than others. But for the most part, I seem to have found what works for me to be 'comfortable' - not always 'happy' - but comfortable.

There is no denying that we have a difficult path in life no matter what we choose to do - or not to do.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Louise]

Deborah,
Wether or not you have SRS is really a minor issue. Call it the icing on the cake - not the cake itself. What maters is finding what my sister has called "peace in your own skin". And accepting your gender identity and learning to live with it is far more important than wether you are pre-op, post op, or non op. Probably the majority of trans folk stop at some stage on their journey and say to themselves "this is good enough - I'm at peace and I can live with this". Being non op in no way makes you any less valid where being transexual goes. For myself, yes SRS is still the preferred option but if for whatever reason I don't get that far I'll still be at peace with who I am.