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Thread: Lies or dreams?

  1. #1
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Lies or dreams?

    I'd been a member of this website for almost 6 years.
    I was addicted to the pictures and videos section (no videos at all or just links to youtube).

    I learned a lot about dressing but most of about my own identity.
    One of the things I learned living inside the closet is to be a professional liar. I had to build all kindnof excuses to go out and dress but everything has a limit and I came out to my wife. That's another story.
    Since I'm living my reality, that's really different from the lies of those closeted days, after near 3 and half years on HRT, living the life of a woman, all the fascination of that section of this web lost its interest.

    I confess that I'm more judgemental now and forget a lot of the process of my mindset of those days.

    Checking on that section today I read onenof the story and thought, is this true or a lie? But then I realized that is probably not a lie but just a written dream. Then I remember to had lived that experience, to add some spice to my experiences to make them look more real but they weren't real. It was just the expression of the desire to live a real life as a woman.

    Now I can tell that reality is far better than lies or dreams....or nightmares.
    I suffered so many nights thinking on the catastrophe my life would be to came out as a crossdresser just to my wife.
    My reality resulted "worse" than I thought, I wasn't a crossdresser but a transgender woman.

    I have three sons and three daughter in law, one grandson. Today life is real, no more lies, dreams and nightmares....(I'm a government federal employee, I was just hired)

    Devi San Martin (my real name and last name)
    Instagram @devisanm, Facebook Devi San Martin
    HRT 04302018 Full time 03/2019
    Electrolysis on face started 08/2019, down there for SRS 06/2021
    Orchiectomy 06/03/2020
    Legal name and gender marker changed 10/26/2020

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Hi Devi, glad to see that you are at peace with yourself. Take care.

  3. #3
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    That is wonderful. Are you still married? Trans women have stayed married on occasion.
    Are you really happy?
    I get very happy when I see a beautiful woman looking back in my mirror.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Diane thanks.

    Natalie, yes, I still happily married, living together as a couple. In this point I must be honest with everybody because once I got out the closet I have nothing more to hide.

    It hasn't been easy for both. Once I cried with the realization on seeing her losing her husband. I was desperate for move forward in my transition. Just an example, even get my ears pierced was a drama but I was patience waiting her adjustment. So many therapies session where I could cry because I couldn't see the other side of the tunnel but keep waiting while slowly moving in my transition. Electrolysis in the face take years, I'm in the second year and I imagine there is another left. For the meantime, I was doing things as legally change my name, pushing a bit but giving her time to learn more.

    The conversation about the orchiectomy wasn't too bad as the ears piercing (that was first).

    Slowly things were changing, I start living full time around 3 years ago but weekends I was her husband. One day she told me I wasn't longer a man.

    It was slow to let know some friends about me. At the beginning she wouldn't get involve on that but one day, she said to a long time friend "I see him so happy so I'm happy, it's not easy but I love him"

    Even today, sometimes she laughs after using the pronoun he/his with me but soon corrects herself.

    It's just fears of what the world will do and, in some terms, embarrassment.

    Last July, we spent two weeks in Oregon, in vacation but looking for a place, piece of land where we want to move from Southern California for our retirement. We did a trip two years ago for the same reason but just a long Labor Day weekend. That time was the very first time I spent the whole time with her as me and was fundamental she could experience the reaction of the people. At the same time, I had learned more about dressing, make up, etc. so now I don't look MIAD.

    I'd been open my heart in all kinds of thing more to her as she does the same. We both were suffering for the expectations of breaking our dreams for retirement together.

    It's important to say too that being near 3 and half years on hormones, more than physical changes, the mindset has changed in me and now I think much more like a woman so we empathize more now and I'm not longer the chauvinist guy I was.

    Yes, I'm happy, profoundly happy and know she is too.

    Here we are both in a nice afternoon in Port Orford last July.
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    Last edited by Devi SM; 08-31-2021 at 03:33 PM.
    Instagram @devisanm, Facebook Devi San Martin
    HRT 04302018 Full time 03/2019
    Electrolysis on face started 08/2019, down there for SRS 06/2021
    Orchiectomy 06/03/2020
    Legal name and gender marker changed 10/26/2020

  5. #5
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Beautiful posts Devi. I have felt your struggles, frustrations and happiness. May you have many more happy days.

    One question: How has your family and friends in Chile responded? I ask because my ex wife (we divorced many years before I ever started my journey of discovery and then transition. She is from Buenos Aires and I have always considered her family and friends as mine too because I know most of them. However, she has never told any of them except for one close and personal friend of both of us. Since I do not communicate with them I have not told them, but I ould like to. I am for now respecting her wishes.

    Allie

    PS: Honesty does set us free!!

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    Devi,
    What a sweet post. As I've been following this website for a few years, I've watched your transition through your posts and it has bee a pleasure to see you transform into the lovely lady that you are today. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and dreams as you transitioned. I'm so glad that it is working out so well for you, and so happy that you and your wife were able to stay together through it all. Treasure her.
    -peace
    Gracie

  7. #7
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Devi,

    Maybe that will be me one day. Your post made me tear up.

    Natalie

  8. #8
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Thanks Grace Rose.

    Allie, in my country I have two brothers and a sister. With just one of the brothers, I have communication, since the others two took a bad position related with some inheritance from my mom, who passed on 2011, not related with my transition because I didn't tell them. So just one brother, older 4 years than me, knows and is incredibly supportive. When he saw a pic of me told me I was pretty.

    When I lived there I had so many friends. One of them, before leave, told me, when you get there all this bunch of friends will disappear because they are here just because of your generosity (I had a computer company and helped so many people). He was right, there I have just two friends. One of them is psychologist and was fundamental to out with my wife.
    Just two weeks ago I came out with the other because he lives in a remote place of the country with no internet signal, so we talk just from time to time. One day he saw my profile pic in WhatsApp and ask me about my feminine appearance, so I had to explain him, thinking I was going to lose him because he is my friend from the days, I was a leader in the church he attended with his family. I wrote a long letter explaining him in detail, kind of two pages long and sent it by WhatsApp. 5 minutes later he answered me that was almost crying. I said, well, I knew that would be Un understandable for you for our common religious background, he corrected me saying, no, I'm crying because I didn't know I had a girlfriend that has suffered so much. So I asked him, how do you know my struggles, so he told me, I know about trans people strugles living in the closet and a relative killed herself because of it.

    Today he find more time to talk with me. Whenever he gets signal in his phone to call me, we talk about one hour.

    For my wife family, the nephews and nieces know just for accident and support me but just her mom, 93 years old doesn't know. One day complain to my wife that I should come out of the closet for my long hair, lol.

    One thing is important to say it the great, amazing relief one experience when can share with a loved one the experience. It doesn't matter the reaction (never had a negative) it is like to get a huge heavy weight from the shoulders.

    Sorry for take advantage and include pics but that's the idea, I'm not delusional, dreaming or lying, me and my wife last trip to Oregon.

    That last pic was taken for another tourist that approach us to congratulate us for living our real life. He told me that just few days ago his "mom" has come out to him as trans. that guy was originally from Argentina...
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    Last edited by Devi SM; 08-31-2021 at 05:50 PM.
    Instagram @devisanm, Facebook Devi San Martin
    HRT 04302018 Full time 03/2019
    Electrolysis on face started 08/2019, down there for SRS 06/2021
    Orchiectomy 06/03/2020
    Legal name and gender marker changed 10/26/2020

  9. #9
    I like to be pretty Joanne Curl's Avatar
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    Devi,
    I have followed you since you joined. I love reading your posts and seeing your physical changes but love hearing how you’ve changed internally too. I hope you continue to post and so look forward to your posts. I hope things continue to go well for you. You’re such an inspiration to me.

    I wish nothing but the best for you and your wife and family.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Thanks Joanne, your post really make me feel good.

    I'm actually admired, overwhelmed with the reaction of you ladies because my purpose on creating this thread was the discussion about lies some people post here as they were true but from my viewpoint they are just aspirations to a reality the poster thinks impossible but that can be real and pass from mere dreams...
    Instagram @devisanm, Facebook Devi San Martin
    HRT 04302018 Full time 03/2019
    Electrolysis on face started 08/2019, down there for SRS 06/2021
    Orchiectomy 06/03/2020
    Legal name and gender marker changed 10/26/2020

  11. #11
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    The internet is full of liars. I have lied on other sites, and I think this is the only one that I haven't lied on. It's probably because this is the only site that I'm actually being true to myself.

    I see why people would lie on here though. They have dreams of doing something, and they want to know it's OK and they're supported in that fantasy.

    For others maybe it's that there isn't anything happening in their life, but they just want to talk. Take me for example - I haven't posted a picture thread in ages, and I do love to share a pic or two. I can see why somebody in this situation would want to lie and maybe post some images they've not used before with an embellished story, just so "they" are real.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Being a crossdresser is ultimately about escapism. That comes in many forms, from creating fictitious narratives to dressing to being seen in public to interacting with others as a woman. That's a pretty broad spectrum of experiences. Ultimately, it's about taking a break from our drab male reality for whatever reason. If creating an alternative reality to share with others online brings you satisfaction, that is wonderful. I know who I am and what I am capable of. I consider you to be friends. However, because there's a very real possibility that our paths will never cross in real life, it doesn't bother me one bit that your reality as presented here may be augmented or entirely fictional. If you are happy then I'm happy for you.

  13. #13
    Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CharlotteCD View Post
    The internet is full of liars. I have lied on other sites, and I think this is the only one that I haven't lied on. It's probably because this is the only site that I'm actually being true to myself.
    they want to know it's OK and they're supported in that fantasy.
    Absolutely Charlotte...validation! Like a support group, I find I can discuss things here - specifically CD things - in an honest manner that I could not discuss at all elsewhere. Just the discussing heightens the CD experience for me as well.
    Last edited by Kris Burton; 09-02-2021 at 12:50 AM. Reason: correct typos

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Contrary to Monica, I have very little tolerance to lying and quickly leave or avoid altogether a discussion where my BS detector starts ringing, being in a support forum where I share intimate details and open my heart very honestly to other members whether to help or be helped. There's a Writer's section if you want to tell stories. Intentionally deceiving or manipulating other members that are being honest with you, and especially when being honest costs you zero since you can be anonymous, seems just wrong, and when I sense it, it undermines the whole idea of the forums since I fell less inclined to share the next time.
    Last edited by DianeT; 09-02-2021 at 06:16 AM.

  15. #15
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    I was happy with all the positive and supportive comments I receive for my journey but what I wanted was actually this, see a discussion and acknowledgments about my suspect that many crossdressers lie, so after a while they live a lie.

    I remember when a teenager my dad told me, some people lie and to cover that lie another seven lies is needed, so do the arithmetic potential operation and after a while the liar himself/herself doesn't know what is really the true.


    To talk about embellishments sounds nice and softening a life situation that's not healthy.

    To lie being a crossdresser not telling the SO is a dangerous reality because soon we end feeling comfortable with the lie of our life but believe me, it's just a trick that you did to yourself. You're shooting on your foot because to live lying is impossible and when your loved one's find the truth the result is catastrophic.

    That's the purpose of this thread.

    I honestly believe that any cds, here if not all of them, are in some small or others in a big grade transgender or transexual and from the moment they start lying to support a deep desire or need of being seen as woman start lying, should be enough to look for help, go to a therapist and decide what do I need to do to make my lies a reality.....

    Many can feel comfortable living as a woman from time to time, when have a chance, may be once a month, two times a year, for Halloween, even once a week, and can live the rest of their life like honest men. But when they start lying to cover up things can be dangerous and that's the reason why most of the marriages of crossdressers and transgender people end on divorce, not because a man can't go through transition but just because of had being lying to the people they love more....

    We need to show to the world that we are real, honest people, normal but different people but at the end of the day, can be fathers, family people and productive people but not a bunch of liars....

    Mho.

    Devi San Martin
    Last edited by Devi SM; 09-02-2021 at 06:43 AM.
    Instagram @devisanm, Facebook Devi San Martin
    HRT 04302018 Full time 03/2019
    Electrolysis on face started 08/2019, down there for SRS 06/2021
    Orchiectomy 06/03/2020
    Legal name and gender marker changed 10/26/2020

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