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Thread: Personal pronouns

  1. #1
    New Member GraceH's Avatar
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    Personal pronouns

    I participate in a few groups that make a point of trying to be inclusive when holding Zoom meetings. They are urging folks to list their preferred pronouns so that people can respectfully refer to each other, acknowledging their gender ID. But I have a bit of an issue with this, as I don't feel like declaring to the world how I truly would like to be referred to. I usually say I have no preference. In fact, what I'd like to say is that it depends on how I'm presenting. When I dress, I like to be referred to as she/her, and when I'm in drab mode, it seems more appropriate to refer to me as he/him. In truth, though, I'd rather dress 24/7 and always be referred to has she/her, but that's not practical. Anyone else face this quandary?

    Grace

  2. #2
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    My preferred pronouns are: She, Her, and They. In that order.

    Grace, if you are presenting at these meetings as a feminine person, why hesitate to identify as she/her?
    IF you are showing up as a masculine person, then insist on He/him pronouns.

    To me, this is a non-issue and a no-brainer.
    Last edited by char GG; 09-09-2021 at 03:18 PM. Reason: English only please
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  3. #3
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    It's all about how I am presenting. If I am Charlotte, it's she/her. If I am *Male Name* then it's He/him.

    These things do not collide within work, and it's only been relevant with one friend, as I have only been dressed in front of one person.

  4. #4
    New Member GraceH's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn View Post
    My preferred pronouns are: She, Her, and They. In that order.

    Grace, if you are presenting at these meetings as a feminine person, why hesitate to identify as she/her?
    IF you are showing up as a masculine person, then insist on He/him pronouns.

    To me, this is a non-issue and a no-brainer.
    I attend en drab, and let folks assume that he/him is the right pronoun, if they choose. I'm not "out" to anyone other than a few past SOs and my wife-- I shared that with them because I didn't want to harbor any secrets. However, for the broader populace, I am not ready to show who I am, except anonymously as I go about my daily errands en femme. Occasionally, because I have long, naturally wavy hair, a server in a restaurant will come up to my wife and me and greet us with "How are you ladies today?" I love it, and my wife just chuckles knowingly. The servers are universally embarrassed when they realize their mistake, but I smile and says it's fine. The fact is, I'd rather be addressed as she/her always, as I don't relate to the male stereotypes society imposes and people expect.
    Last edited by char GG; 09-09-2021 at 03:24 PM. Reason: Edit was in the quote that you used

  5. #5
    Junior Member OrdinaryAverageGuy's Avatar
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    I'd be offended, ok no I wouldn't, but I'd argue the point, if someone called me "her" or "she" or "ma'am". I'm a guy no matter what I'm wearing, and I can prove it. And there's quite literally no way anyone could be confused on the matter.

  6. #6
    Sunshine Gal AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    My friends who are “in the know” refer to me as Angela and use feminine pronouns even when I am in boy mode and I am fine with this as that part of me doesn’t just disappear when I take the clothes off.

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Georgina's Avatar
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    I am just one person, who is male, and likes wearing female clothes. I don't suddenly change into another person just by changing clothes. I await on a world that accepts that and allows me to use make up and wigs if I wish and would still like to be called by my male name and gender.

  8. #8
    Junior Member Nicole90's Avatar
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    I am the same way. Like just let me get out there in my dress, tights, and heels and let me be me. Male name and all
    Last edited by char GG; 09-09-2021 at 10:17 PM. Reason: No need to quote the post directly before yours

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    I've given this a lot of thought lately as we are more often asked for preferred pronouns. I'd like to say female pronouns because I believe that is my gender. However since I am only out to my wife, this is impractical. I'm OK with being referred to as Him when masquerading as a male (as I have and do most of the time) and Her when I'm dressed as Gracie.
    In reality, as a society we need to dispense with gendered pronouns. Their use just reinforces the fictitious gender binary. I would like to just use the plural They Them Their. It sounds awkward now, but it is no different than using You for singular and plural second person in English. We stopped using Thee Thou and Thy a long time ago for singular and use the plural You for singular and plural. Maybe sometime in the future......

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member jenna116's Avatar
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    I'm with those that think pronouns should reflect the way I'm presenting.

    I understand the positions of those that say they are still the same person no matter how they are dressed. And basically I agree with that. But I still like the masculine/feminine conventions.

    You know the saying that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then its a duck. If I walk like a woman and look like a woman, then call me a woman. Please.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  11. #11
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GraceH View Post
    I participate in a few groups that make a point of trying to be inclusive when holding Zoom meetings. They are urging folks to list their preferred pronouns so that people can respectfully refer to each other, acknowledging their gender ID. But I have a bit of an issue with this, as I don't feel like declaring to the world how I truly would like to be referred to. I usually say I have no preference. In fact, what I'd like to say is that it depends on how I'm presenting.

    Grace
    I think and you pointed it out +they are trying to be inclusive. So they mean well and in asking wants everyone to know that they care about your identity and do not want to make assumptions. The most common pronouns are she/her, he/him, and they/them. If you feel those do not fit you, there are lots of neo-pronoun options too. In any regards, it is just them being courteous because not everyone is cisgendered and they don?t want to hurt anyone by using the wrong ones.

    I am sorry you have an issue with it , I can see even though the intent is good , someone closeted might be upset with it.
    I heard about a teacher that did this . Asking the class so they felt included and safe. A student started crying , saying if you have to ask it means I did not pass. But they asked everyone, it they took it personally. Was hurt when the intention was good .
    Last edited by Di; 09-10-2021 at 11:16 AM.
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  12. #12
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    Inclusiveness is derived from human kindness. It's what nice and considerate people do naturally.
    Speech and thought policing is a product of hate and jealousy.
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  13. #13
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    I absolutely don't care what pronoun is used when referring to myself - no matter how I'm presenting. If anyone else feels the need to be referred to with a particular gender pronoun, I'll be happy to use it. But please don't be offended if I slip up now and then. It happens among my CD friends sometimes and none of them feel offended.

    Also, using the word they to refer to one person is a grammatical error. I wouldn't use it in this way - unless I slip up of course.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  14. #14
    Senior Member Ceera's Avatar
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    For a period of several years, while I was living a gender-fluid duality, my pronouns depended on my presentation. Boobs and long hair meant She/her/hers, while a flat chest and obvious hair loss meant He/him/his for pronouns. They/them/theirs was okay with me, if they knew both aspects and wanted to use something consistent.

    But for the first two years of that time, I maintained a pretty clear demarcation between groups of people among whom I presented as male, and groups where I presented as female. Aside from my daughter, some trans/cd support groups, and a few very carefully selected friends, no one who knew me as Ceera - my female persona - ever met by former male persona, and no one who had once known me as a guy ever met me as Ceera. So my declared pronouns were only tge way that group knew me.

    When I decided to start coming out, the circle of people who knew both forms of me grew. I was still gender fluid, though virtually all of my social time was female. That lasted two more years.

    Four years after I first went out in public as a woman, I committed to full transition, and ceased presenting as a male, I switched to solely using She/her/hers as my correct pronouns. That last change took place three years ago. I am virtually 100% out now as a transgender woman, and the few people who shill only know me as a male are those who really don?t interact with me enough to be worth taking the time to inform them of the change in my life.
    Last edited by Ceera; 09-10-2021 at 09:28 AM.

  15. #15
    Member XemmaX's Avatar
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    She her when in femme mode ideally but i don't care about it so much these days.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    I think the whole thing of this movement on "what's your preferred pronoun" is silly. I think it's selfish to expect someone to adjust to what YOU want in conversation. I don't expect anything more than respect from others. Therefor if I'm dressed as a woman I should be spoken to in the feminine. If in male mode I expect to be spoken to in the masculine. If I'm mixing the two genders then it may be a question for them to ask me which they should use.
    So with that, it maybe I didn't realize that I'm presenting in a confusing manor that I might need more makeup!

  17. #17
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    The only people of note that use gender pronouns when I'm dressed r SA's and servers. And, I'm only in their businesses to shop or eat.

    So, they can call me macaroni if they like. As long as they r polite and do their job properly!

    Why is it when confused, preoccupied, workers misgender some trans they blow a fuse? Why would u give strangers so much control over u?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

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  18. #18
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    When dressed I prefer she, her.
    I do my best to be viewed and accepted as female and want only to be referred to as such.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  19. #19
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I just tell people exactly what you told us. “I’m fluid and prefer pronouns that reflect my presentation at the time.” Anyone sensitive enough to ask your pronouns should be able to understand this.

  20. #20
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    And in answer to the OP, to those I am out to, my preferred pronouns are she/her, and for the rest I will suffer a bit longer. Oddly, I get "m'am'd" occasionally even when in boy mode these days, so I got that goin' for me.
    Last edited by Di; 09-10-2021 at 11:15 PM. Reason: Removed what you were addressing
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  21. #21
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    I know that when my wife talks about me in these forums (including the FAB section) she uses she/her. It still weirds me out, but I don't object since it is the etiquette here. When writing posts or private messages I always have to watch my words because for example it doesn't feel innate to me to refer to a CD hubby as a "she" since many aren't presenting as females most of the time and I see them primarily as men who happen to dress sometimes as females. It feels easier with people describing themselves as trans. As for me, I don't feel trans and dressed or not, always feel like a "he" (feeling like a "she" when dressed would defeat the purpose and take out the fun). If I was socializing when dressed, it could be different, but in the privacy of my home dressing, being my sole spectator and not being in role play or behavioral female emulation, the pronouns are currently out of the equation.

  22. #22
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    It seems that if asked what pronouns someone prefers, then they have been clocked.

    I would hope people would just use the pronoun that fits the presentation.

  23. #23
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    No, it doesn't necessarily mean they have been clocked, but that the observer is uncertain.

    Case in point: We has a new hire at my job. The individual was early 20's, slender, short ( @ 5' 5" ), soft spoken, and their hair was a bit long but androgynous. I mistakenly took them for a woman, but was corrected by another worker who told me HIS name. When opportunity presented, I introduced myself and asked what pronouns they preferred to avoid misgendering them. He replied that he was fine with male pronouns, thanked me for my consideration, and told me he gets misgendered all the time, especially when he and his BF were out and about.
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  24. #24
    Member Mermaiden's Avatar
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    I like that Grace?s zoom meetings are trying to use preferred pronouns. I work with wonderful people who just can?t get used to the idea that a lot of other people are not strictly dichotomous in their sexual identity. While gender fluidity is pretty obvious to us, it?s confusing to people who haven?t experienced it.

  25. #25
    Life is more fun in heels Genifer Teal's Avatar
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    Warning about Zoom meetings? It may not have been a zoom meeting. I don't recall what software it was but it was not something that required installation. This was on my desktop at home during the initial lockdown. When I entered the meeting it automatically took my Google ID which I was logged in as. This put up the name I use here. Somehow I don't think I realized it or there wasn't much I could do once it happened. I think it was a combination of both. It was a small meeting. In the end it didn't really matter. This could obviously be a big deal to some.

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