An outburst from a new member.

[jujudreaming]

hi i'm new here, more or less actually, i've known the forum for a few years but i come here just to read. I have been in a relationship with my wife for 16 years. Our marriage is good, we have a child and when we got married she already knew my secret. But today she doesn't accept it at all, it's very difficult. I don't have any alone time for cding, and my only option at the moment was my therapist who suggested I get dressed during therapy.
Someone goes through this situation when, at the time of dating, she already knew and even accepted to practice with me, but after the marriage it got worse until it reached the point of her not accepting even if I did it alone.
lately I've been taking medications for depression and anxiety and this affects my libido a little, and it also reduces my desire to dress a little, but there isn't a day that I don't think about it, even with a lesser desire. I want to keep my marriage but I'm at a point where I can't even talk about this with my wife about this desire.

edit I'm 35yrs old.

[Natalie5004]

I really do not know what to say. I feel for you but I have no advice. I am sure there are other here that are smarter than me that might be of help.

Natalie

[jujudreaming]

thanks, I know it's a delicate situation. my wife is a good partner apart from this subject. If I never mention this subject everything goes well, but sometimes the desire comes strong.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hello JuJU;

It doesn't seem fair to have to "roll back" acceptance or even acknowledgement after 16 years. Since your marriage is good, you may want to just have a chat and ask for some time during the week to dress even if it's alone.
Has your wife expressed any concerns or reasons for the reversal ? Is she concerned about how your child will perceive things ?

[jujudreaming]

Hello JuJU;

It doesn't seem fair to have to "roll back" acceptance or even acknowledgement after 16 years. Since your marriage is good, you may want to just have a chat and ask for some time during the week to dress even if it's alone.
Has your wife expressed any concerns or reasons for the reversal ? Is she concerned about how your child will perceive things ?

we waited a long time to have our only child. 8 years to be exact, and during all that time she always knew my wish so I get a little hurt and the last time we talked I don't think I'm okay yet, she always knew it won't go away. In the beginning she accepted letting me dress with her and have sex; but over time I think she was creating concerns, with things like what if I'm trans or gay. She doesn't claim it but I believe she cares about it, but I lead a "socially acceptable" life, I'm a good father and a good husband apart from that. I don't feel like doing this in front of my daughter. I wanted some time alone, in my room, no one needed to know, but now she doesn't accept me even alone, I spend very little time alone at home, I work a lot and the rest of the day I'm always with them at home.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Welcome to the forums!

I'm going to be blunt here, please don't get offended, but just think about what I say.

I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me" here, with no thought about how your wife feels. From the math, you got married when you were 19, before either of you could properly figure out who you each were. She accepted your x-dressing in the beginning, but now rejects it.

Hmmmmmm, I wonder what could ever cause such a change of mind.... Perhaps the idea that the two of you are PARENTS, with a child to raise?

You state that you are in therapy, and taking medications for depression & anxiety. Perhaps your wife, and mother of your child, is concerned that you have become obsessed about crossdressing, and that she fears for the future of the marriage, her & her child's future and wellbeing?

I'm not a doctor or therapist, but might I suggest that you both go to couples counselling, in order to set things straight.

A successful marriage is based on Communication, Cooperation, Consideration, and Compromise. The 4 C's are the bedrock. Sure, sex & passion are great for a starter, and mutual kinks help, but you CANNOT build a relationship just on that. And it CANNOT be all about what YOU want, or what SHE wants. Eventually, the other spouse is gonna get sick and tired of playing second fiddle.

And there are a lot of folk on this site who will crucify me for speaking out, but guess what kids? If you are in a relationship, you must needs make compromises. I always laugh at the indigent posts that basically say "How DARE she put limits on what I can do!!!!!"

Enough said. This will probably get edited or deleted because it slaps both the 'woe is me' and the "I want what I want" tropes with a harsh dose of reality.

Good luck and well wishes on your journey jujudreaming

[jujudreaming]

Welcome to the forums!

I'm going to be blunt here, please don't get offended, but just think about what I say.

I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me" here, with no thought about how your wife feels. From the math, you got married when you were 19, before either of you could properly figure out who you each were. She accepted your x-dressing in the beginning, but now rejects it.

Hmmmmmm, I wonder what could ever cause such a change of mind.... Perhaps the idea that the two of you are PARENTS, with a child to raise?

You state that you are in therapy, and taking medications for depression & anxiety. Perhaps your wife, and mother of your child, is concerned that you have become obsessed about crossdressing, and that she fears for the future of the marriage, her & her child's future and wellbeing?

I'm not a doctor or therapist, but might I suggest that you both go to couples counselling, in order to set things straight.

A successful marriage is based on Communication, Cooperation, Consideration, and Compromise. The 4 C's are the bedrock. Sure, sex & passion are great for a starter, and mutual kinks help, but you CANNOT build a relationship just on that. And it CANNOT be all about what YOU want, or what SHE wants. Eventually, the other spouse is gonna get sick and tired of playing second fiddle.

And there are a lot of folk on this site who will crucify me for speaking out, but guess what kids? If you are in a relationship, you must needs make compromises. I always laugh at the indigent posts that basically say "How DARE she put limits on what I can do!!!!!"

Enough said. This will probably get edited or deleted because it slaps both the 'woe is me' and the "I want what I want" tropes with a harsh dose of reality.

Good luck and well wishes on your journey jujudreaming

I don't feel offended, I understand everything you mean, I only disagree with the part of telling me me me, because we only live on her terms, well at least so that everything will be alright.

about having a child we had a lot of time to think, and up until that moment she still "accepted" me.
We had several achievements together, like our home, but after a while her willingness to be with me on this side was gone.

and I know we made mistakes during that time, but who never did, right.

[Jodie_Lynn]

@jujudreaming

"...we only live on her terms..." In regards to other decisions, or only your crossdressing?

I don't expect you to give us a day-to-day rundown of your 16 year marriage, but if ALL decisions are made by her, and you just accede to them, then couples counseling is even more important, since you have ignored the '4 C's"

[jujudreaming]

@jujudreaming

"...we only live on her terms..." In regards to other decisions, or only your crossdressing?

I don't expect you to give us a day-to-day rundown of your 16 year marriage, but if ALL decisions are made by her, and you just accede to them, then couples counseling is even more important, since you have ignored the '4 C's"

what I meant about her terms is about not letting me dress, but at weddings there are many nuances and the rest we get along well, I think I'm expressing myself badly.

I would love to give you suggestions and opinions to make things better but it would be coming from someone who has no training in this matter and would most likely make things worse. Form your post you both were young when you got married and 16 years is a huge investment in each other and in addition to that, you have an impressionable age child.
What I can tell you is, I believe having a good therapist can help you work through this. I never believed in therapy UNTIL I went to one and they helped me remove a huge burden I was carrying which allowed me to proceed to a good place. They didn't tell me what to do but guided me to make my own decisions and I've been forever grateful.
I've been reading post on this website for several years before I joined and found I'm not as unique as I thought and neither are you or your situation. I wish the best for you.

I'm doing this with my therapist, in her opinion I need to do this even without her knowing, then I get into a big conflict, thinking I'm being selfish with my family.

[Sherie]

It's your therapist job to help you find your conflicts and help you work your way through them

[Jodie_Lynn]

what I meant about her terms is about not letting me dress, but at weddings there are many nuances and the rest we get along well, I think I'm expressing myself badly.





I'm doing this with my therapist, in her opinion I need to do this even without her knowing, then I get into a big conflict, thinking I'm being selfish with my family.

The first bolded sentence is confusing, and I have no clue as to what you are trying to convey.

The second bolded statement I quoted is a definite RED FLAG indicating you should find another therapist! I cannot imagine ANY competent therapist suggesting that you sneak around your spouses back, and against her wishes! That's just gonna lead to trouble.

[Tanya J]

Welcome to the forums!

I'm going to be blunt here, please don't get offended, but just think about what I say.

I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me" here, with no thought about how your wife feels. From the math, you got married when you were 19, before either of you could properly figure out who you each were. She accepted your x-dressing in the beginning, but now rejects it.

Hmmmmmm, I wonder what could ever cause such a change of mind.... Perhaps the idea that the two of you are PARENTS, with a child to raise?

You state that you are in therapy, and taking medications for depression & anxiety. Perhaps your wife, and mother of your child, is concerned that you have become obsessed about crossdressing, and that she fears for the future of the marriage, her & her child's future and wellbeing?

I'm not a doctor or therapist, but might I suggest that you both go to couples counselling, in order to set things straight.

A successful marriage is based on Communication, Cooperation, Consideration, and Compromise. The 4 C's are the bedrock. Sure, sex & passion are great for a starter, and mutual kinks help, but you CANNOT build a relationship just on that. And it CANNOT be all about what YOU want, or what SHE wants. Eventually, the other spouse is gonna get sick and tired of playing second fiddle.

And there are a lot of folk on this site who will crucify me for speaking out, but guess what kids? If you are in a relationship, you must needs make compromises. I always laugh at the indigent posts that basically say "How DARE she put limits on what I can do!!!!!"

Enough said. This will probably get edited or deleted because it slaps both the 'woe is me' and the "I want what I want" tropes with a harsh dose of reality.

Good luck and well wishes on your journey jujudreaming

I agree we have to be understanding that the women in our life are tolerating this. She did not grow up dreaming that prince charming would want to dress as a princess. Now with the little one she has a protective instinct that is every bit as strong as your instinct to dress. Just focus on your marriage and be happy with that. In my experience women are naturally empathetic to most things they don't find threatening. It might take time but my guess is that if you want her to continue to accept this part of you then you will need to do your part for however long you have to so that she knows you are committed to being her partner and keeping the family safe.

[Cheryl T]

You didn't say how old your child is.
I would suggest the old adage, "having a child changes everything".
Perhaps she's looking at a bigger picture than you are. She may be considering your child, it's growth, your desires and finding that they all don't mesh.

Talk to her.
You are married. This is a partnership and you have to be able to talk to each other with Every concern and work together to grow your marriage and care for the well being of your child. If you can't talk to each other and work together then there's only one solution ...

[docrobbysherry]

It sounds to me like your marriage is in trouble. Marriages only work when both partners communicate and r willing to compromise.

Juju, u make it sound like your wife's the boss and u do her bidding. My ex became that way years after we married. (It didn't involve CDing.) Over the years I began to just put up with her rants rather than get into arguments. When we tried couples therapy, I found out my resentment to her tyranny had built to the breaking point. But, when I began speaking up, it was too late! She was too used to getting her way and wouldn't compromise! Result? End of marriage!

Don't make the same mistake I did. Stand up for yourself!

[AngelaYVR]

I'm with Sherry on this one. After my kids were born, my first wife became the self styled boss. It is unfortunately all too common that a woman enters marriage with an agenda. Thinking it's just easier to play along and hope that things might improve is a fool's game, it will never get better without outside help and even then the chances are pitiful. Seeing as your wife knew what she was getting into from the beginning, there is no justification for her behaviour (we are assuming that you really are a dutiful husband).

I have a friend who is going through this now, wife knew from the third date and was totally fine with it. These days it is just animosity towards the dressing despite it not being frequent and let me tell you my friend is the epitome of wonderful husbands, very hard worker and massively helpful around the house.

[Sherie]

I would love to give you suggestions and opinions to make things better but it would be coming from someone who has no training in this matter and would most likely make things worse. Form your post you both were young when you got married and 16 years is a huge investment in each other and in addition to that, you have an impressionable age child.
What I can tell you is, I believe having a good therapist can help you work through this. I never believed in therapy UNTIL I went to one and they helped me remove a huge burden I was carrying which allowed me to proceed to a good place. They didn't tell me what to do but guided me to make my own decisions and I've been forever grateful.
I've been reading post on this website for several years before I joined and found I'm not as unique as I thought and neither are you or your situation. I wish the best for you.

[kimdl93]

That is a tough but familiar situation. I would not presume to offer advice on your relationship beyond these two things:

Be considerate of you wife and kind to yourself.

[VtVicky]

As a psychotherapist since the mid 70's, let me offer a couple of thoughts to consider.

I'm not sure what problem you went to your therapist with, but it doesn't sound like you are getting it addressed satisfactorily. It doesn't sound like your crossdressing is your problem. It sounds like your situation with your wife is the problem. Dressing in your therapist's office doesn't seem to be addressing anything effectively. I doubt it is very satisfactory for you, and doesn't address the real problem at all.

In your writings, so far, (and, that is all we have to go on.), it seems that your dressing is "Ego Syntonic". In other words, you are OK with it. (The opposite is Ego Dystonic. That means that you are doing something that you do not like, and possibly would like to stop doing.)

I am loath to make too many suggestion to someone who is not my patient. But, in my experience, many couples choose an arena in which to fight because the real problem is seen as potentially fatal to the relationship. This is seen by a competent therapist as a good thing. First, it means the "arena" they are fighting in is not seen as a killer situation. And, the choice to pick an "arena", rather than chance destroying the relationship, often means that they are both invested in maintaining the relationship.

In your situation, it sounds like fighting over your crossdressing is preferable to addressing something else that scares both of you even more.

The first psychiatrist I ever worked for taught me the psychotherapy "rule of threes". He always asked a new patient to list three things that the pt. wanted addressed. He said that they almost always listed something safe to talk about as number one. The real problem was usually number three. (I won't bore you with the techniques to engage, but you get the idea.)

I found his counsel to be very effective over my entire career.

Good luck.

[Pumped]

I am with VtVicky, in fact I was going to mention this before I read all the responses, but I to have to wonder if there is not some other friction in the marriage and this is the easiest one to pick on.

You both need counseling, not just about your desire to dress, but to get you marriage back on track. My bet there is something else going on and the relationship isn't very solid. My bet is you both have moved apart over the years. Jobs and family get in between the husband and wife and slowly erode the relationship.

When was the last time you two went on a "date", just the two of you, no friends. Just the two of you and a quiet dinner, a walk in the park, just some quiet time together and sit and talk.

My wife jokes about our dates to the home center to buy stuff for remodel projects. We walk around the store, look at different things and just visit. Once in a while we end up sitting in the garden center, sitting on deck furniture and talking.

We have been married for 38 years and dating for forty years.

[Sallee]

I have to way in here. I kind of have the same situation. Early years of being together we went out together, good fun. Kids came along and that kind of stopped. Then I was told that she was not a supporter and didn't want to see me dressed. I understand so into I went. Now I have a storage locker which works fine. I guess mine situation is different in the fact that the wife says she doesn't care, I don't if thats true or not but it works out. I am thinking about pushing the situation and just saying I'm going out to my support group and then go dress and go out. I kind of think I should step out a little more. Now I have been with my with this woman 40+ years. So I think all will be fine I just have to get over my guilt about dressing.
So my advice is get a locker maybe a support group and couples counseling Good luck its a tough situation

[Kimberly A.]

Hi jujudreaming. Welcome to the forum!

I sure do hate to hear that your wife isn't accepting of your dressing..... Myself, along with other members here, I'm sure can relate. I'm divorced and I've worn pantyhose for practically my entire life, didn't get into heavily CD'ing until just a couple of years ago. However, I've always had a desire to CD, I just couldn't do it when I was married, because my ex-wife didn't even accept me so much as wearing pantyhose, she hated it, let alone accepting CD'ing..... However, there was once while I was married, I had a night away from my ex-wife and had a chance to go to the store and buy makeup, a dress, shoes, a bra, something to stuff the bra with, then to another store for a wig. I had stayed in a hotel room that night, because my ex-wife along with some of her lady friends were throwing a Mary Kay party and, of course, "no men allowed" so that's why I had to stay in a hotel room for the night. So, I took full advantage of that night and got all dolled up, just for a little while and went out in public. Granted, this was YEARS ago and I don't have any pics of that, unfortunately. I had also shaved the top half of my chest, as well as my arms and legs before going out CD'd that night, (my ex-wife already knew that I shave my legs and wore pantyhose). But before going to bed that night, I cleaned off the makeup as best I could, but didn't get it all off and when I got home the next morning, of course she noticed my hairless arms and top half of my chest, as well as some remnants of makeup and she confronted me on it..... I came clean with her and told her what I did. That was one of the worst arguments that she and I had, because it did NOT go well with her at all..... I mean, I can understand because when women want a man, they typically want a 100% MAN, not a girly man, or a crossdresser. Now of course, I mean no offense to that, but it's typically the truth.

But anyway yeah, that's why I can relate.

[AngelaYVR]

No man can ever compete with the biological urge to have a child. I have seen it far too many times, how the very existence of a relationship was purely to produce offspring. After that, your usefulness is spent. I watched in sadness as a shy friend was swept off his feet and engaged before he knew it. Three months later his fiance was pregnant. He seemed bemused the whole time, just along for the ride. After the baby was born he too joined the discarded husbands club.

Please please stick up for yourself because it does not sound like anybody else is.

[GretchenM]

A lot has been said here by a lot of experienced people and knowledgeable people. But I feel at this point there are a number of conflicts and you x-dressing may not be the main one in the big picture. I agree completely with what VTVicky says and recommends. But to me it appears that you both need to see a therapist. I realize that will be difficult to do as I suspect your wife will not be very willing to do that. But after 52 years of marriage sometimes we found there were things that appeared to be good all around and yet on a deeper level it was not. Conflicts are inevitable; you are different people and marriage does not magically create good vibes. Communication, as others have said, is the key to finding compromises that are satisfactory to each. I sense that both of you tend to be fixed in your positions and you need to loosen up and understand each other. A couples or family therapist would be a good choice who can help you to learn the art of open communication between man and wife so both are operating on the same level and perception of the relationship.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Once upon a time, on another site, someone posted that their spouse went from approval/participation in the poster's kink, to absolute refusal.

Poster, upon prodding, provided other details. There were other issues, along with the kink/fetish to deal with in the relationship.

Commentators presented a slew of suggestions, to which the Poster knocked each one down for various 'reasons' that were logical. To them. It soon became apparent that the Poster wasn't interested in any solution, but rather vindication that they were justified in their behaviour and were seeking moral support to encourage their selfish actions.

Now I am NOT saying that the OP of this thread is engaging in the same sort of self-justification, but I am definitely getting the same vibe.

Everything that the OP has stated simply reinforces the notion that therapy & counseling is in order, both as a couple, and as individuals. And I am thinking that the child in this situation is also in need of counseling as well.

[Stephanie47]

"Communication is the key to finding compromises that are satisfactory to each" may not be true in all cases. Communication may lead to a resolution of differences that may lead to a dissolution of a relationship. At #30 Jodie Lynn makes reference to the concept I've called "It's my way or the highway." Sometimes a woman will not tolerate her husband's cross dressing (but can be applicable to anything) and clearly makes that demand known; plain and simple. Or the husband may do as he wants to the extent of openly pushing cross dressing in his wife's face. The union is totally fractured. Yet, each will endure this open hostility for other reasons; social standing, economic, asset preservation, etc.

Too many times in a marriage it is impossible to get both spouses on board with joint or family counseling. "It's her problem." "It's his problem." We don't know all the facts when these issues are posted on this forum. It's the story from one side. Speculation on our part. Our advice is exactly what you paid for it, as the saying goes.

If there is joint counseling, as I have stated, the resolution of the issues may be dissolution of the marriage. And, that may not be a bad thing.