I keep saying I love my transition and that I'm happy with my life. While it's true as far as how I feel about my identity these days, that same transition has been coupled with other events that are running my well of resilience dry from time to time. I was a partner, the problem solver, the resource willing and usually able to help others. Since my career ended 12 years ago and my wife passed away 8 years back and my children have grown into independent adults and my friends still all have their spouses and families to attend to, I've become isolated.
I've been filling up time pursuing my long awaited transition, dealing with other medical and financial issues and attempting to squeeze purpose from activities that just don't match or even exist in my current life. I knew in advance that moving on with transition I'd be limiting my potential for relationships that had at least some emotional intimacy, but went ahead anyway. All those traditional sources that could recharge my spirit have been drying up and Covid hasn't helped with any of that either. With no feedback or emotional reward coming back to refresh me I've been draining that well of resilience and love. Recently I've found at the bottom of that well little more than frustration and tears.
So it's not all rainbows and puppies and sparkles, but that was never the promise anyway. The promise was things would be different and the most critical aspect of my life would change for the better, at least for my internal consumption. But now I'm having to adjust and learn new skills, attitudes, strengths and vulnerabilities. I'm reaching out to new others and admitting I can't do it all on my own any longer. Partly because I'm old and partly because there is so much I no longer understand about the world and have to admit my old skills no longer suffice. I still have resources, people who support and love me and the ability to think through (sometimes overthink) my situation and I hope this marks the low place. Particularly since it's not all that low, just a time where I need to assess and recalibrate before moving on.
