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Thread: Married CD-ers: How much does your Spouse know?

  1. #1
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Married CD-ers: How much does your Spouse know?

    I see a lot of threads in the X-dressing section, things about dating, and kissing, and exploring life as a woman, and it makes me wonder.

    A lot of threads involve the CD-er 'going on a trip' and getting all glammed up while away from their normal environment. Does your spouse know? If not, how do you explain taking a full set of luggage ( for all your girl things ) for a few days away? Most guys will stuff the essentials into one suitcase. Do y'all think that your wives are oblivious? Or stupid?

    IF your wife knows that you crossdress, does she know that you fantasize ( or at least think about ) being in the arms of a man, dancing, kissing, and going to bed with him? I know, I know, you may never in a million years actually DO that, but you think about it, don't you? It's one of the aspects of dressing pretty, isn't it? I mean, WHO, are you dressing up for? Yourself? Ok, fine. If you stay in your room, prance around, take a few pics, and then >ahem< 'relieve the tension', that's your business.

    But, if you take the time to look and dress womanly, and go out on the town, what are your expectations? Especially if one goes to a club, or bar. By those actions, aren't you dressing for others? To be admired, desired, and even >gasp!< lusted after? Ask any of the GG's on this site and they will tell you that when they go to a function, they are dressing to impress the other women. Unless they are single and looking for a mate, THEN they dress to entice & seduce men.

    Soooo, how much do you THINK your spouse knows ( or suspects ) and how much does she ACTUALLY know ( or fear )?
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

    I Aim To Misbehave

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  2. #2
    Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Jodie...you sure got a way of driving these issues home!
    I'm still pretty new to all of this, but the inner workings of my mind I am finding interesting to say the least. I've come out to my wife, so she knows I'm following a CD path. The areas you are talking about here actually came up in the conversation.She asked why I am doing this, and before I could explain fully she said "So you want to feel sexy?" I agreed, she hit it on the head, and seemed to understand. So I guess she gets it...up to a point
    My persona is not at the point where I would go out yet, but I want to, and if I do, I must say yes, I do fantasize about being hit on...by a man. In real life, not a chance, but as Kris and in fantasy land..yeah, that would be a peak experience. I've read a few threads about folks that have actually had this experience and I am intrigued, living vicariously through the words I am reading. If it were to ever actually happen to me in reality (and i do hope it does!), I don't know how I would respond. In my fantasy, I respond with enthusiastic abandon. I might just want to live out that fantasy!
    Now that part I know she doesn't realize and there is no need to reveal it at this point. It's all just harmless fantasy, right? Isn't it?
    Last edited by Kris Burton; 09-16-2021 at 12:13 PM.

  3. #3
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    Jodie Lynn,

    My wife knows about my bi-sexuality, and my cross dressing. She doesn't understand either, and does not want to.

    I remember meeting a nice lady in Albany a few years back. That's the type of details she does not want to hear about. Although I did tell her that I was meeting a friend from this forum.

    Julie
    Inside my heart is breaking
    My make-up may be flaking
    But my smile still stays on

    C'est la vie CD

  4. #4
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    Woman are more perceptive than you think. She has known for many years my desire to dress, and even participated a little many years ago. Now I just get her sarcastic comments — I always knew coming home after a business trip that she would stare at my eyes. Mascara, even washable, dyes your eyelashes black. She has even made comments like she hoped I was not dressing up or wearing makeup on trips. I don’t think she knows the extent of my stash, but over the years has made comments leading me to believe she knows I have a stash, and/or I borrow her clothes. Believe me - they know if you are stretching out their stuff. And many times, after I have borrowed an item, that same day or next day she is wearing it! Almost as if she is telling me, yes, I know you pulled this from the back of the closet! As far as the other part of your question, nah.. I practice my hobby alone, everything else stays in fantasy land.

  5. #5
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    I have had an interest in CDing for most my life but it really started properly late in life. Bought a few things (bra, forms, dress, top etc) and soon realise I needed to this more often and one day set my wife down and started to explain. Needless to say she couldn?t understand but didn?t didn?t want to know after that. So its DADT here.
    However, she is willing to wash items for me and even bought some clothes, maybe in the hope it would soon tire of it. No way and its still DADT. She watches TV, I dress ? as right now.
    Vikky
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    Adventure before dementia

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    The wanting to be seen and desired by men (whether in reality or in fantasized accounts that missed the Writers' Society section and ended up in the MtF), the longing for sexual interaction with males, these things seem more ubiquitous here than I expected in a forum where a majority seems irritated by wives asking questions about the sexual orientation of their husbands after they discover or are told about the dressing, that same majority being prompt to assure that CDers are mostly straight (or at least as much as the general population). I agree it may not be always the same persons, but clearly there is an overlap. The fact that these fantasies and encounters happen while dressed as a female is then given as a reason to not consider these experiences as homosexual ones (they would be "technically" but not spiritually). I don't say this argument doesn't deserve some thinking, but for a non-dresser at least, let's agree that it is a stretch... If I was a wife concerned with my husband's sexual orientation in relation with CDing, and ventured in these forums (remember they are public and quickly come up in a Google search about crossdressing), boy, would I keep asking the orientation question...
    So, maybe we shouldn't be surprised when the wives do. I know I had to answer it after my coming out.
    Answering the OP, my wife knows everything I do when dressing. And I mean everything, including my erratic watching of Supergirl episodes.
    However I don't go out so it's not like I could write a book...
    Last edited by DianeT; 09-16-2021 at 05:05 PM.

  7. #7
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    My wife knows everything.
    She has for nearly 20 years. We go out together, we've vacationed together as women, we've done everything together. As for fantasies, we've explored them, but they don't involve others.
    We shop together and discuss clothing all the time for both her and I. She always critiques my outfits and I help her with her makeup at times. We wear similar sizes in some things like shoes and tops and essential have one wardrobe in those areas.
    There are no secrets, there is no hiding.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  8. #8
    New Member Ruby62's Avatar
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    My wife knows all. I made it a point to let her know while we were dating. It didn?t seem fair to withhold something as huge as crossdressing. We do not go out together as we are in a small town and there is a high percentage we would see someone we know.

  9. #9
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    My wife and I will have been married fifty years in a few months. In the beginning on occasion I wore a nightgown and hosiery for bedroom "kinks." We bought nightgowns and hosiery together. After our first child was born she ask that it be toned down a little. When she discovered I had bought my first bra we had "The Talk." The end result was a deep dive "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." That was circa 1983. Not a word since. No snide comments. Nothing. Once in a while she has found a garment. She'd fold it and put it out of sight on top of the dryer. She found the browser open to this site. I suppose she knows more than I think she knows. In the beginning she told me it was alright if I joined a support group; none was to be found. She does not know the extent of my wardrobe, although it is stored in a double stack of Xerox boxes in plain sight.

    Fantasies are just that; fantasies. If one does not act upon those fantasies, then no foul. I'd rather have those fantasies than the dreams and recollection of my time in combat as an infantryman in Nam. I'm sure most women fantasize about "hunks" bedding them down or remember old boy friends.

    When I went out of town for business it was a rarity, but, I did take a weeks worth of fem clothing along. I femmed up after work and enjoyed my time in the hotel room. I was and am not out in public with the exception of an occasional evening stroll. I have no desire when dressing to "prance around, take a few pics, and, 'relieve the tension.' I never have in the past, and still don't. Frankly, the way you describe cross dressing seems to be probably what more wives think their husbands do than what actually goes on. Perhaps, the impression is made because many of the postings here and elsewhere have that ubiquitous hotel look; stale carpet, air conditioner, escape routes posted on a door, and security latch on the door. My wife has nothing to fear. Maybe that's why we have been married fifty years.

    I am content to be femmed up and leisurely read a book in my living room and sipping a cup of good coffee.

  10. #10
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    My wife knows I dress. She has seen my clothes in the guest room closet. She is worrying I am spending too much money on a second wardrobe. She want me to look like Johnny Rose. I prefer to look like a cross between Alexis and Moira.

    She has not seen me yet. But I dress almost every day she is at work, shaved legs all the time, painted toes, longish hair. So, she knows and probably would expect to see me in femme if she just drops in during the day.

    Natalie

  11. #11
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    My wife knows but does not want to know. Or wishs she did not know. Or both. she has noticed my breasts are getting larger but she thinks it is due to my pituitary condition, which it is not. And does not know I have lactated more than a few times. I have tons of fantasies which she knows nothing about and I have not shared here or anywhere, yet!

  12. #12
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    I told my wife before we moved in together, long before we were married. If she would have been non accepting I would not have gone forward with the relationship.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  13. #13
    Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    She knows that I am a "crossdresser". And I know, just from the way she says that word, that she is not a fan of it. She has seen one bra and panty set. She doesn't know I wear panties every day and bras many days each week.
    She also doesn't know how much I would like to have my own wardrobe of women's clothing.
    I'm very reluctant to go any further than bra and panties because of her feelings.

  14. #14
    High heeled lady GiovannaBotta's Avatar
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    My wife knows, told her when things got serious and we decided to move in together.
    At first she was really excited! Enjoyed, helped me and was really impressed at my mastery of walking in high heels like a woman.
    Then I lost my job at the time, everything was on her, and I still wanted to dress like a woman? Too much for her, something switched off in her head about this.
    We entered full DADT mode, and she didn?t even wanted to hear about it. She knew that I dressed sometimes, but never talked about it again.
    Then we moved to Canada, to a very diverse city and neighborhood? she?s more comfortable now. Knows that I have a huge wardrobe, says that I have good taste in shoes (I have), lets me go to events and dinners with CD friends, she just prefers me to dress when she?s not home. Don?t mind me coming back when she?s asleep?
    It?s a work in progress I?d say. I try to keep it respectful, and be mindful of her space. So far, it?s working.

  15. #15
    Member Debs's Avatar
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    never lied to her , told her everything from day one, we had an amazing few years of going out together, then it degraded, to hate it, then bounced back over the years, I can dress whenever I want, but dont involve her, I can go away for a few nights to meetings, no problem, no issues, no backlash. I can do what I want, but dont involve her. So Ive got the best of all worlds, but being open and talking was the best tool in my box. In winter she doesnt even mind if I come home dressed from meetings, so straight into the garage, and can stay dressed.

  16. #16
    Senior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    My wife knows I like shaving and pantyhose, etc but has no idea that I go out dressed on my out of town trips. Of course there will be hell to pay if I slip up and she becomes aware. I understand the risk.

    I have been pondering the part of your question as to who do I dress up for. Honestly, I am not sure. I think I do it for me, and for the women and men I meet in the clubs. All I know for sure is that I thrive on attention from both. I really can not explain it, but I obviously get something out of it, almost like a high. I have now been to 24 bars and clubs around the US, and numerous trips to a few of them. It is really a lot of fun, but sometimes I feel like I am different than most on the forum despite our similarities. I can not talk with anyone I know about it so I come here.

    Sandi

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member jenna116's Avatar
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    Been married for almost 25 years now. I told my wife about Jennifer before we were married. Actually, several months before finally proposing. She always understood that my femme side was a part of me. In fact she credits that as my soft, sensitivity that she appreciates.

    Having said all that, Its also true that she is not terribly trilled when I do dress. Nonetheless, she helps me buy stuff and is certainly tolerant when Jennifer shows up.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn View Post

    Soooo, how much do you THINK your spouse knows ( or suspects ) and how much does she ACTUALLY know ( or fear )?
    She knows everything!

    We have discussed gay sex, transitioning, adventuring out of the house and more. I can not think of anything we haven't discussed. Probably the main reason she is so accepting.

  19. #19
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    My wife knows everything about my dressing. She sees me in a skirt every day, and has gotten to the point of telling me I'm beautiful. But, hokey smokes, it has been a long, arduous route from her initial feeling of "I'd rather see you dead than in a dress" . I have assured her that I'm not gay, or planning on a sex change. I have explained many times to her that most of the things she loves about me come from my femininity. She knows I fantasize not about being with men, but with her having a penis that is insatiable in its desire for the feminine me. People are complicated
    Last edited by suzanne; 09-19-2021 at 01:25 AM.

  20. #20
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    She knows everything!

    She knows about my sexual orientation.
    Her brother actually transitioned.
    We've adventured out of the house as Kara...
    I can not think of anything we haven't discussed.
    My honesty is the main reason she is so accepting.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    When we were in the early stages of dating, I told her ALL about me.

    We negotiated some rules of what was and was not OK. This was mainly her saying what was beyond her ability to deal with, and whether or not I could live within those limits. I could, and have (for the most part) for over 20 years now. Would she like me to stop or do less? Absolutely! Do I want more? Of course I do. But what we have works, so we both tend to leave it alone.


    Fantasize about sex (or whatever) with men? For me? Um, not really - beyond the idea that I might be able to pass well enough for a man to see me as a "true" female and maybe even find me desirable... NOT that I find myself desiring them. I guess it's more about validation of my gender-identification than it is about sexuality.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Jodie Lynn,
    I dress at home in private with my wife. She borrows my tights (pantyhose) and washes my clothes. She might not know how much I spend on clothes, but she can probably guess. Sometimes she says "that's a nice dress - where did you buy it?"
    Fantasies are just fantasies. I wonder what my wife's fantasies are!
    stay healthy,
    luv J

  23. #23
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    The wife knows I like to dress, but wants no involvement or information. She knows where I keep my clothes and does not want to see anything. She has seen me getting underdressed (putting on and wearing panties or nylons under my normal clothes), but nothing beyond that. No interest in see any of my other clothes, where I would like to go dressed or where I have gone dressed, what I have done while dressed, etc. She just gets that look on her face when I bring up the subject and walks away.

    I'm glad for what I have, but wish she was open to me sharing more.

  24. #24
    Junior Member Teresa.Smith.VA's Avatar
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    What follows is a very long answer to Jodi_Lynn’s question, “Married CD-ers: How much does your Spouse know?”

    I am a strait married man with a wife who not only knows that I dress as Teresa, but almost always accompanies me when we go out in public. She has known of my love for CDing since our second date years ago. There is nothing about my CDing that my wife does not know.

    I have never had even a thought of being with a man in all my years of CDing. No attraction to men at all.

    As for why I enjoy dressing in femme, its actually quite simple and well understood by both my wife and myself. I frequently share the details of my CDing fantasies as Teresa so that she fully understands what contributes to my pleasure in being Teresa. My openness and honestly about my CDing fantasies has been the key to the fun we have as “girlfriends” which has never a threat to her as a woman, and to her image of me as a strait man.

    When I dress en femme, I live out a fantasy that I am Teresa, a woman. I try hard to blend by wearing attire that most women would wear with great attention to what is appropriate for the time and place. My wife enjoys giving me advice and guiding me in everything from make up, hair style, and comportment.

    When it comes to how my wife feels about Teresa is that she accepts me 100% and treats me as her girlfriend or lady-friend. She absolutely knows that I totally enjoy my manhood 100% when I am not being Teresa. It’s almost as though we each role play for fun. I pretend that I am a woman, and she pretends that I am a woman, and treats me as one very convincingly. Again, we have tons of fun in our little game.

    As for what we enjoy doing as girls out together, the simplest answer is that we do what any two woman would do in their normal life as women. We enjoy grocery shopping, refueling our cars, having lunch and/or dinner at our favorite restaurants, strolling through shopping mall where we browse as any normal woman would enjoy browsing. We enjoy shopping for furniture, anything related to cooking, lingerie, or occasionally formal gowns or sexy cloths for clubs and dancing. We also take vacation trips where I remain Teresa for the entire time.

    We frequently go to makeup stores with dual appointments for makeovers and make up advice. One of the most frequent things we do together as girls is getting our manicures and pedicures at the same time, usually at the same place where the owners know us well as women customers. During all this girl-fun, the thing we talk the most about it the fun of being girls.

    Regarding our expectations of CDing in private or during our many outings in public or privately in our own home, I will summarize that we both enjoy our respective femininity when I am being Teresa. We work at not only looking our best as women, but also to enjoy the experience of feeling feminine as well. Our ultimate expectation is that we are viewed by people we encounter as two women, although we are realistic in knowing that I am usually recognized as a CDer.

    I should also add that my appearance must be acceptable enough because in our years of being out as two women, we have never been treated badly or rudely by anyone. Our expectations of blending appears to have been accomplished. In fact, it’s fair to say that men and woman we encounter in public have been nothing but polite to both of us. Only once did a young teen worker at McDonalds address me, without even thinking about it, as “ Sir” when taking my order. Once she filled my order, I said, “thank you mam.” She blushed, which told me that she recognized her error and meant no harm.

    Jodi_Lynn asks, ...”aren't you dressing for others?” Yes, I suppose we are, but only to achieve our objective of appearing as two women. However, never, ever do either of us attempt to attract attention, especially from men. Our objective is to avoid attracting attention and to be seen as two women who appear poised, appropriately dressed, and who appear to be enjoying themselves.

    Finally, to answer Jodi_Lynn’s question, …”how much do you THINK your spouse knows and how much does she ACTUALLY know…”. The answer is that my spouse THINKS she knows everything and SHE ACTUALLY DOES KNOW EVERYTHING, to include what is takes to make my feminine fantasies come true.

    Yup, I am one of the lucky ones who enjoys every second as a part time cross dresser with a lovely, loving wife.

    Teresa
    Fact: Some members can never post pictures in their feminine finery to support their stories and experiences. Please be understanding and kind.

  25. #25
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn View Post
    I see a lot of threads in the X-dressing section, things about dating, and kissing, and exploring life as a woman, and it makes me wonder.

    A lot of threads involve the CD-er 'going on a trip' and getting all glammed up while away from their normal environment. Does your spouse know? If not, how do you explain taking a full set of luggage ( for all your girl things ) for a few days away? Most guys will stuff the essentials into one suitcase. Do y'all think that your wives are oblivious? Or stupid?
    My wife knows I dress; my clothes are in our walk-in closet. Does she know I dress sometimes when I go out of town (like recently when I went to Milwaukee for a couple triathlons)? Maybe? Do I want to rub her nose in it? No. So we don't talk about it.

    IF your wife knows that you crossdress, does she know that you fantasize ( or at least think about ) being in the arms of a man, dancing, kissing, and going to bed with him? I know, I know, you may never in a million years actually DO that, but you think about it, don't you? It's one of the aspects of dressing pretty, isn't it? I mean, WHO, are you dressing up for? Yourself? Ok, fine. If you stay in your room, prance around, take a few pics, and then >ahem< 'relieve the tension', that's your business.
    How insulting.

    I am sure that some do.

    However, surveys suggest most CDs are married and straight, and therefore aren't interested in sex with men. If CDs were interested in men, they'd either be 1) gay or 2) bi, and most surveys show that less than 10% of men are gay or bi.

    Yes, I dress up for me; have wanted to since I was 7 (or so) years old.

    Ask any of the CDs on this board and I can almost guarantee that only a small fraction have had sex with a man.

    But, if you take the time to look and dress womanly, and go out on the town, what are your expectations? Especially if one goes to a club, or bar. By those actions, aren't you dressing for others? To be admired, desired, and even >gasp!< lusted after? Ask any of the GG's on this site and they will tell you that when they go to a function, they are dressing to impress the other women. Unless they are single and looking for a mate, THEN they dress to entice & seduce men.

    Soooo, how much do you THINK your spouse knows ( or suspects ) and how much does she ACTUALLY know ( or fear )?
    If I go to a club or bar, it's likely with a GG friend of mine, and it's where SHE wants to go (like Hooters).

    If a person, male or female, sees me, I assume they know I'm a CD. As most men aren't interested in MEN, why would they be interested in ME?

    Also, why to do suggest women only dress up to attract men? They could be trying to attract women, or they could be dressing up just because it makes them feel good to feel sexy? I dress because it makes ME feel sexy.

    Your assumptions are inaccurate and insulting to many on this board.
    I'm Sun-Dee at Kandi's Land; read about my outings here:

    https://www.kandis-land.com/author/dee/

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