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Thread: Does the missus seeing you en femme burn your man card?

  1. #1
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    Does the missus seeing you en femme burn your man card?

    Curious to know the before and after the spouse/SO knows about the crossdressing.

    Are you viewed as less of a "Man" or more for that matter. How does it change the dynamic.

  2. #2
    Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    For me, this is an interesting question. When I first came out ? and I was not caught, I outed myself ? there was a period when it was a bit tense. Over a few days though that diminished and now things seem back to regular, and perhaps even better. We talk about it openly, but it hardly dominates the conversation. She has given me unsolicited makeup tips, which I need. She gave me a dress she no longer wanted, that I LOVE! There is an occasional gentle joke, which I find fun.
    Our arrangement is that all is OK as long as she never sees me enfemme. She says she would find it disturbing to see me as someone else other than the person she has known for so long?I accept this too. But does it have more to do with seeing me presenting as a woman and not a man? I don't know. We will see what develops over time. At present it looks like things are moving in the right direction, and full acceptance may be in the offing. I am not going to push this, give it time, but what we have works for us both.

  3. #3
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    My wife has never seen me dressed, but just knowing has made me less of a man to her.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by CharlotteCD View Post
    My wife has never seen me dressed, but just knowing has made me less of a man to her.
    in what way?

  5. #5
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    I'm one of the lucky ones

    I am one of the lucky ones. I came out to her two years ago after 39 years of marriage (she found a skirt I forgotten to pack when I went on a business trip), and she has been nothing but supportive. As far as I can tell, to her I'm the same guy she's always known, but now with more clothes. She critiques my outfits, she's bought me makeup, and she's bought me clothes. She's also passed on some purses she no longer wanted.

    Even though in theory I could, I don't dress every day, when I do, she usually gives me a once over, and either says "cute!" or "not sure that top goes with that skirt". It's no big deal to her. We watch movies/TV together in the evening, and sometimes I'm dressed. I have girly pajamas I wear 2-3 nights a week on average. She's seen me in bra/panties/pantyhose, etc. No big deal for her. She only infrequently wears skirts or dresses, but she dresses femininely, with jewelry and light makeup most days.
    Last edited by joanstickley1956; 09-22-2021 at 08:07 AM. Reason: Improve

  6. #6
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    My story is the same as Kris Burton. The only difference is we cannot share clothes. I am a 14-16 size and my wife is a 6? But we do comment on clothes and I have shown her some of mine to get an opinion. She still has not seen me dressed. I am hoping for a birthday present we can sit down and have a great meal at home with wine and music.

    Time will blend all issues away if you both want to. Have fun.

    Natalie

  7. #7
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    Not that I can tell. More than likely, old age has made me "less of a man".
    Krisi

  8. #8
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    With my wife and I it is strictly a deep dive DADT so I have had no verbal communication on the cross dressing issue. It's her choice, not mine. I respect her choice. I have no idea what she thinks. For some time after "The Talk" she was icy when it came to bedroom activities. She told me not to buy her any lingerie because I probably bought lingerie with the thought of how I would look in it. That wasn't true. I have come to the conclusion most women do not have a clue about cross dressing and have no desire to get educated. Hence, they let their minds wander and wonder. I read in an article by a psychologist that most women harbor a mental image of what their husbands look like en femme even if they have never seen their husband en femme. We weathered the storm. I do not do anything in the area of body modification or intentionally remind her of my cross dressing; no nail polish on toes, etc. That old saying, "You reap what you sow" holds true, but, in the opposite way. If a woman rejects a significant part of her husband it may be that he loses some attraction for his wife. I can sit down a list all the accomplishments stacked up over my 70+ years on this earth, and 50 years as a husband, yet, find the cross dressing issue torpedoes it all. Not all guys are horny sex machines with a one track mind. If the marital train falls off the rails don't just blame the husband.

  9. #9
    Junior Member Marissa Q's Avatar
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    Although I understand it, I find it disheartening that many women apply a sort of "strength ratio" in these situations. "Less of a man" is often internally read as "Weak as a woman". I think this comes from years of indoctrinated belief for many cis women that their gender is truly the "weaker" sex when, paradoxically, life as a woman requires so much more fortitude.

    Conversely, "less of a man" can also be read as "less of MY man". Relationships in all their forms can be highly territorial and -- if that human territory alters too radically (and too quickly) -- forceful pushback occurs, often in the form of insults and a downgrading of status within that relationship. From the hundreds of posts regarding SO's and their highly varied levels of acceptance I've read here before joining the site, I've had to continually remind myself that a CD isn't asking their SO to change mere opinion, but is asking that they completely transform the most fundamental paradigm of what it means (to them) to be a defined, social/sexual animal. It's a hard sell at best, especially in light of the fact that so many of us have taken decades to internally alter that paradigm ourselves; we've all had problems accepting our own true selves, but we often want someone else to do it "faster" than we ever could.

    That's why Natalie has it right on when she says that time will blend all issues away. I think this truism is known by most CDs, but 'how much time' is always the ancillary question.

    That being said, I think that if it occurs, a good starting place for a retort to that accusation is that: "I'm not less of a man. I'm much more of a human being."

  10. #10
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    My wife does not want to see me dressed. She is afraid that she would perceive me as less of a man.
    Sara

  11. #11
    Junior Member OrdinaryAverageGuy's Avatar
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    My lovely wife sees me as the man I am, regardless of how I'm dressed. One evening I had to go out front and cut down some branches that the cars were hitting, halfway through the job she commented that she was surprised I was doing it in a skirt. I replied that it's camo skirt, therefore manly. She laughed.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    My wife probably felt that way at first, but over time she has come to realize I am the same guy she married years ago. I have always been sensitive and loving and she loves that.

    On the other hand I do a lot of manly stuff. I love riding and working on motorcycles. I used to have a 1000CC sport bike and loved riding wheelies and abusing the speed limit.

    I am in the final stages of a fairly major remodel of our home, doing it all by myself. I think if anything she finds it interesting that I can work during the day in a denim shirt and jeans with a tool belt and work gloves, climbing ladders, using power tools, wrestling construction lumber, doors and windows. Getting bumps and bruises, getting bloody, cussing and swearing. Then later in the day I take a shower, clean up and get the girl on, calm down, relax and unwind.

    By her reactions I often think she loves me more than before she found out.

  13. #13
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    My wife thinks we shouldn't make out when I'm wearing breast forms as she finds them uncomfortably firm (me too).

    My wifes first husband was MANLY, she got fed up with his BS.
    I might not be as manly as her first in some things.
    I have a softer attitude, more respect for others, prettier dressing, gentler when looking after kids and grandkids PLUS she has total freedom about what she likes, what she buys, where she goes, who her friends are etc.

    Thinking about manly and doing renovations, I do more manly renovations in a week, than her ex did in his lifetime (which was mostly playing computer games).
    My kids and wife love how my 2 year old grandchild hangs around grand dad and helps him do "building stuff".

    Manly can be caring, loving, nurturing, intune, present, yes?
    Last edited by Rachelakld; 09-23-2021 at 04:48 AM.
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  14. #14
    Member Gi Gondin's Avatar
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    I wonder if any of us has ever asked this question to our SOs, and what were the answers. I never had and will probably ask today.

    And how the GGs in this forum perceive this question?

    What does it mean less of a man?

    My guess is that my girlfriend has two lovers/companions for the price of one! And frequently tells me that crossdressing is something that she wishes never leaves our relationship!

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    I guess that I've retained my "man" card.
    Just last night, after doing some little thing for her, she turned to me and said "you're the best husband ever." Then she paused a second and added "even if you do wear dresses."

  16. #16
    Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
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    I've always wondered about wives who find out about their husbands and then insist the husbands just STOP! even if husband cd's privately. Do they think that the husband stopping will somehow mean they never will think of it again?

  17. #17
    Junior Member Marissa Q's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaraLin View Post
    Just last night, after doing some little thing for her, she turned to me and said "you're the best husband ever." Then she paused a second and added "even if you do wear dresses."
    Just maybe you're the best husband ever because you wear dresses.

  18. #18
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    I am a woman so don't know what this "man card" means. I never had membership to this club, it's probably something that men talk about amongst themselves? What it did, for me, is ruined my sexual attraction. That was the end result. I like fancying my partner and that was a big dealbreaker.

  19. #19
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    my wife has seen me as less of a man since the day i came out to her.
    she has come to many support group events with me and is always happy
    when i de-transistion , if i had come out to her earlier in our marriage
    she would have filed for divorce

  20. #20
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    If you mean that she sees me as less masculine and more feminine then I would say yes, but only while I am dressed.
    Personally I hope that she does see me as feminine and not masculine. I don't dress to be a MIAD and I wish only to be viewed as a woman.
    I suppose also I feel that I am TG rather than just CD and much of the time I would prefer to not revert to "male".

    I dress nearly daily at this time, but due to certain things in our life I am unable to pursue this farther at this time.
    Wear something pretty every day !

  21. #21
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    I guess you have to ask a woman what she expects in "her man." Did he deliver until "the reveal" and then it all went away? Why does one woman fully embrace all aspects of her husband while another quickly kicks the guy to the curb? Several years ago one of the GG's on this site in response to a comment said a "Woman did not have the opportunity to choose." It's a valid point. I know Cathreen is confused, but, so am I.

    Several years ago I sent a condolence card to the widow of one of my cousins. She did not know me from a hole in the ground. I did go to their wedding decades ago, but, that was the totality of our family relationship. She asked another cousin, her brother-in-law, who is this guy? My older cousin read the letter. He told me where he lives in the south that sort of letter is consider to "be light." I got the sense that type of condolence was suppose to come from a female mind. I guess my "man deck" is missing a "man card or two." Is that the same as "not playing with a full deck?" My deck still has 52 cards but some are quite different than some other decks. Sometimes when the deck is shuffled you do not know what the next card is going to be. If you do not like the draw do you fold your hand and go home? Or, do you continue to play?

  22. #22
    Member Misty_cder's Avatar
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    This is a great question that made me ask my wife what is her view point. The first point she made is my dressing is my thing, it doesn't do anything for her. She is willing to help me with selecting and purchasing clothing and makeup. She understands dressing is something that I like to do. As I've mentioned before, she has some ground rules regarding my dressing (i.e.: not in front of the children or doing something that can ruin my professional reputation) which I'm more than happy to follow. As to the point of being less, or more, of a man, she doesn't see me any less of a man, I'm just her husband wearing women's clothing.

  23. #23
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    In one respect for me the answer is yes. Intimacy has stopped. In all other aspects our relationship is great. It wasn't due to her seeing me fully dressed but due to her knowledge of my crossdressing in general.

  24. #24
    Member XemmaX's Avatar
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    no not really but maybe i dont do it enough. but is being viewed as less of a 'man' always bad?

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    Good thread
    So I asked my wife: "Do you think of me as less of a man when I'm dressed as Joyce"?
    She said: No

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