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Thread: Please Advice

  1. #1
    Junior Member DianaWales's Avatar
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    Please Advice

    Hi All,

    I am a crossdresser and had told my wife about it last year. I am really fortunate that she is very understanding. She has allows me to dress up when I get the urge. She has not seen me dressed. She also does not want me to dress up to much. She knows that i have breastform and wig. I also put on some makeup sometimes. I am having really strong urges for last month or so where I want to slowly start to wear may be a bra and a top when I with her. I want to take it slowly and eventually get to fully dressing with her. Also want to go out dressed but my wife does not want me to go out dressed. She fears it. I am not sure how to tell her that I want to start wearing more feminine clothes around her. I am one of those fortunate people who still has a job and also able to work from home. These urges are becoming more each day and I am really not sure what to do. I am not able to focus on anything.

    If anyone one of you have any advice please let me know.

    Thanks,

    Diana

  2. #2
    Junior Member Charlyne's Avatar
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    Hi Diana, One approach would be to tell your wife you want to show off a new dress to see if she likes. Then before the showing you would say that you want to be as feminine as possible for the showing. Might even ask for help with makeup.

  3. #3
    Junior Member RebeccaS's Avatar
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    Hi Diana, I'm also a married CD but my wife doesn't know i dress. If I were in your situation I would be content with the fact that she knows you dress and now you can keep all your feminine things in the house and dress when she's not home and also not have to worry about hiding your things and covering your tracks anymore. If she doesn't want to be around you dressed or have you going out around town dressed I would respect that or you may just push her right out the door. She may be confused and still processing the fact that you're a CD....give her time and don't force the issue is my advice.

  4. #4
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    This approach is unlikely to work. Gaining acceptance is not equivalent to slowly turning up temperature on a pot of water and your wife is not a frog. She likely is afraid she will see differently and in that moment, she fears losing her conception of you as her partner. She likely fears that by going out you will be exposed to hazards and possible ridicule, and she may fear losing you to a different social group or losing status. These are all legitimate fears.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  5. #5
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Diana, I would believe your wife when she tells you she does not want to see you dressed and act accordingly. My wife is accepting and even goes out with me, but I told my wife early in our relationship and told her I was not going to change. Your trying to change the deal after it has been struck.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  6. #6
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    I gave this advice to many others but I wish I would have had someone to give it to me in my past. My worst moments with my dressing was when I was aggressive, pushing things on to her that she wasn't ready. My wife was understanding but she wanted it in her control and she wanted it progressing at her pace. I remember she didn't want me to wear pink, I never understood it but I respected it and then one day she came home with a pink bra and panty set. It had to be at her pace and now I realize I call it "planting the seed" you mention something and give it time and most times they come around. I now think back and believe my worst experiences and hers are the times when I wanted it and I wanted now and came on aggressive and that's when she would get discouraged. I know its hard but in my experience the best thing would be is to take it slow and hopefully she could come around at her pace of exceptness

  7. #7
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Diana, I agree with Kim. One of the problems with the approach you are considering is that it tends to be taken as imposing your will on your wife. You may not view it that way but it is more than likely she will perceive it that way. In a marriage there is an expectation on both sides that changes in the arrangement with respect to personal likes and wishes and dreams will be done with complete discussion and consideration prior to making any major changes. I sense a bit of an expectation that she adapt to your needs. That often flies like a rock these days. She is very likely frightened by where this change in you is going and reassuring words are not nearly enough to resolve her fears. She married a man and she is trying to be considerate of you needs but she doesn't really know what to do with all these changes in her man. Please be considerate of her feelings and puzzlement.

    It is not unusual for us to go through periods where the feelings and desires become very intense and we tend to lose perspective on the environment and circumstances where we live. Step back and see what you are doing and discuss this much more deeply with your wife. If there is resistance then perhaps going to a therapist can help you to regain the marital perspective more solidly. I know what you are feeling and I was exactly the same way when I came out 9 years ago and it took time to bring things under more rational thinking, including therapy for me and my wife. My wife has still never met Gretchen and that is OK. But she has a good understanding of what makes me tick in that way. It is not perfect by any means, but it is still good.

  8. #8
    Member XemmaX's Avatar
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    hey Diana i get these urges we have them ll too on some level and probably her acceptance will help your self acceptance . i get it but the problem is you told her later on, and that does mean something. i told my partner early on and she only sometimes sees me dressed as she like most people prefers to have a boyfriend mostly but there are certain situations where she is cool with it and enjoys this side with me. but even though i told her early on it still took alot of work to get to this point or her being cool with it on a genuine level and not because she felt she kinda had to. you are gonna have to talk about it with when she wants to and when it's appropriate. i wouldn't just slowly integrate without her consent or be turn up in a dress and be like 'what do ya think'. it doesn't mostly work, sadly it's not that easy. she will come around at her own pace trust me. don't push it on her, when i had pushy moments it was really not helpful and made her push back against it. take it slow and just talk to your wife as that's all you can do in reality its the only thing that you should do.
    Last edited by XemmaX; 10-02-2021 at 09:20 AM.

  9. #9
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    My advice is for you to talk to your wife and tell her what you'd like. Then she could tell you how she feels about that. Then you can tell her how you feel about and then she could...... blah, blah, blah, in other words have a conversation with your wife as opposed to setting some plan into motion.

  10. #10
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    Diana, There is a good thread about CDing becoming an addiction, that can impact, or takeover, your life. Remain balanced in all things or risk losing control, or worse. Julie

  11. #11
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Diana, it sounds like you're asking us for permission to dress more around your wife?

    I think u should show your post here to her!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Diana, you told your wife that you CD and she lets you dress and is very understanding, but she?s never seen you dressed and limits your dressing. Your urges will only continue to increase. You need to slowly open honest dialogue with her about your urges and hope for the best.

  13. #13
    Junior Member DianaWales's Avatar
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    Hi Charlyne, thank you for this advice will see how I can try this approach.

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    Hi Rebecca, thank you. I totally respect her feelings and what she wants me to do. I know that I am really fortunate that I can dress up and also keep all my feminine clothes at home.

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    Hi kim, yes i totally respect her fears. I know i have hid this side of me from her. I feared that she would leave me and hence hid all this from her.

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    Hi Jaime, I had feared that I would loose her if I had told her at the beginning. I wish I had told her at the beginning itself.

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    Hi Maria, thank you for this great advice. I also dont want to rush her or push her. I will try to be patient, i know it is not easy for her. I am really lucky that she is ok with me to 3 dress alone.

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    Thank you Gretchen, this is a great advice i will keep in mind. I will try to discuss with her and will always respect what she wants.

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    Thank you Xemmax, I will not push her and will try my best to take it as slowly as possible. I want her to be happy as well.

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    Thank you Nadine, I will talk with her and then only do things. Will not plan or push her.

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    Hi Julie, thank you very much. I will check that thread and see how I can try to control my urges.

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    Hi docrobbysherry, I wish it was that simple.

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    Thank you Nancy, I will try to talk with her and tell her how i feel.

  14. #14
    Member Larissa Cassandra's Avatar
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    Hi Diana,

    I agree with what everyone else has said about taking it slowly, and let your wife gradually get used to the idea of your crossdressing, since it naturally comes as a shock, which is probably more severe the longer you've been in your relationship. Also, you need to reassure her that you love her and have no intention of leaving her. (And that you're not gay or bi - well, unless you are, which is a topic for a different thread.) Then give her time to get used to the idea. If she still objects to your crossdressing after maybe a few months or so (i.e., doesn't want you to "dress up too much" and you have to keep hiding your clothes, makeup, etc.), then perhaps it's time to look more deeply into your relationship. She should understand why you've taken however long to tell her (society taboo, fear of losing her), and if she never accepts you for who you really are (after all, you are the same person you were when you met her, you're just revealing an aspect of yourself she hasn't known about), you might consider counseling. If that doesn't help, and she still hasn't accepted the whole YOU, my guess is that there are other issues in your relationship that would explain her attitude. Maybe her nonacceptance of your CDing is an indication of other problems, and maybe the relationship isn't worth continuing. But of course, try everything you can, because if the relationship is good otherwise, it's probably worth saving.

    Hugs,
    Larissa

  15. #15
    Senior Member Linda K.'s Avatar
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    Hi Diana,

    I am not quite in the same boat as you but I would like to add my two cents here. What if your SO came to you and said she wanted to become a CIA agent, or a rodeo clown, or something you would never envision her doing? Something completely outside of the personality you have known for all these years. You would want time to think it over to figure out if you could deal with that. Give her the time she needs to think it over, let her come to terms with it at her pace, and have fun with it if she does. Good luck and let us know how it turns out for you.

    Linda

  16. #16
    Junior Member crobeson96's Avatar
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    It's a terrible trap to slip into but we say we cannot/won't change yet we're asking others to change.
    Taken as a project of mutual respect we must recognize our significant other may even find the topic difficult to talk about.
    I love the phrase 'significant other' and thank God that I have one.
    Take any other difficult topic that's threatening in a different and less problematic way - say, buying a new car this year. Following a response from her that telegraphed she didn't want to talk about it any more soon, you might pick a moment to ask if you could bring it up again and if given permission, ask if she would permit you to open the discussion with her. There might be a few sincere 'I love you's in there -
    The first thing to ask is for her to share why it's difficult for her to discuss. Say it in a non-threatening way and take the pressure off by saying there is no need for an immediate response, just 'after you have a chance to think about it, bring it up with me'.
    In the typical man-woman differences there is the woman's need for security - that you are present for the long haul and you are strong enough and smart enough to handle your half of the relationship which means supporting and protecting her. She believes that your physical attraction to her keeps you with her and any hint that that is changing or fading or switching polarities in a way that she cannot or will not support means a threat to that security.
    In the trenches of my relationship when I've found the things my wife really worries about I am touched, shocked, horrified at 99 percent of it. It is very hard for any of us to share our deepest fears even with that person we are closest to in life. But - if you can get her to verbalize even a single worry and then do your best to reassure her, your real intimacy (which includes but not defined by your physical intimacy) will grow in a way you both will enjoy.

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