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Thread: Fear and loathing...

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Fear and loathing...

    Those of us who venture out into the world looking fabulous have all had to cope with fear. Whether it's the fear of doing something you haven't done before, of being outed, being ridiculed or humiliated, or of being recognized by someone you know.

    I have learned to manage my fears for the most part, through trial and error. I'm totally fine with being clocked or recognized as a CD or transwoman, as long as I'm not recognized as the male me. As someone who isn't out to their friends and family I'm always apprehensive about being outed by someone I know. Thus far, I've had some close encounters that turned out fine.

    This usually limits Monica time to locations that are fairly removed from home base. Except, of course, for those times when the pink fog has taken over. Oh boy!

    Curious to hear how you all deal with your fears.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Gee, you just reminded me of my early days of dressing. I was gripped with terrifying fear and yet I just had to do it. As some others have experienced, I would sit in my car, try to get out. Then I would chicken out and get back in. Back and forth until I would practically say, just do it. Do it. Then after nothing bad happened, i had this feeling of whew, I made it. Relief. Until next time - same thing. Over and over.

    Fortunately those days are behind me. Oh I still have those I would not be able to dress around- mostly my family. But as far as being out of town, and going out, practice make perfect and I can finally relax in many places.

    Saturday morning when I was in Chicago I walked down the street to eat breakfast at a place with outdoor tables. It felt wonderful and normal. I had a nice chat with a couple about their dog. It has taken me about 4 plus years of going out to get to this point and yet, there is always some degree of caution in the back of my mind to avoid places that might cause me some issues.

    I do not think I would have ever gotten to this point without the social interaction I have had by going to bars and clubs. Although that is not for everyone, it is the acceptance I received from so many I have met who helped me come out of my shell. Interesting stuff really.

    Sandi

  3. #3
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Great thread. Over the years, I?ve also been able to manage my fears when going out, however I still experience the fear of being recognized. I?ve had a couple close calls. One was when I was out of town?small world. A close second fear is an auto accident or police. We live in a very conservative community. I agree. When the pink fog rolls in, common sense goes South.
    Whew.

  4. #4
    prissy chic ellbee's Avatar
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    I did it alone for the longest time. Wasn't always easy, but I still went out & did it.


    But know what helped out immensely? Going out with an awesome social circle!

    GG's, gay males, others in the CD/TG community (who may or may not have been presenting as such). Didn't matter.

    If they were accepting, understanding, even intrigued by you? It totally made a *world* of difference!


    They had experience, as well as the key to a whole new universe out there that I never knew existed. They gave support & even the ability to let your hair down without fear. We were invincible!


    Oh, and tons of fun & lasting memories, for sure!


    If only I had known how much easier it would be, I would have done that *waaaay* sooner.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I am not well known in this community, having retired here after years working in another state. So, the odds of encountering someone I know are fairly small. I haven?t let that get in my way so far

  6. #6
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    I have had, and still do have, fears. They are lessening as I learn to accept who I am. It also helps that I have some safe places to be myself. All that said, we want others to accept us as we accept ourselves. Until I get to 100% self acceptance, how can I expect every person out there to already be there. At that point there would be no fear left. So, step 1: fully accept myself. Until then, I deal with fears, as we do with most fears, by controlling situations, and the information I share with others.
    Last edited by Julie MA; 10-05-2021 at 02:25 PM.
    Inside my heart is breaking
    My make-up may be flaking
    But my smile still stays on

    C'est la vie CD

  7. #7
    Senior Member Angela1954's Avatar
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    It got easier once I accepted that I was transgender. Once that bridge was crossed dressing and going out in public was much easier. I?m not out so I still take precautions but it has been liberating.

  8. #8
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    There are justifiable and good fears to have like keeping a job, neighbors and friends, as well as one's SO. Those are good fears and care must be taken until that time, if it ever comes, when you can, or need to be, be fully out. Also, personal safety is another very good fear.

    Other fears as being clocked as a transgender person are personal issues that one has control over. To me, that control is to just own it and ignore what others, strangers, may think, and do what you want to do, go out, mingle with others, interact with others. I understand the difficulty in over coming these type of fears. Once you can be in control of those your excursions out, places you can visit, etc. greatly improves. In essence, very similar to those of us who came out, you will have total freedom to be yourself whether just for that moment, or like me, a transitioned MtF woman for life. That freedom is actually very similar for CD's and TS's. This is under your control. Good luck in actually tyaking that control.

    Allie

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Thank you, Allie. I am in a DADT relationship and I know that being outed to my SO's humiliation would release a chain reaction that would end in chaos and destruction. Therefore, I carry on away from home. However, It took me a while to overcome the basic fear of being clocked. Once I was able to work through that, it was like unlocking a whole other level to the universe. Freedom! What a difference.

  10. #10
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    The only thing we have to fear...

    ...is fear itself.

    I shared the fears for a long time.

    Then I went to a salon to get my nails done, and the tech (Cailee) was excited to hear my plans (makeover at Sephora and trying on dresses at Nordstrom the following day). My nail tech, Julie, and my sales angel, Falon, were fabulous. So many of my fears just melted away, and I have since made several GG friends.

    I decided also that people may see a guy in a dress, but they don't know it's ME in the dress, and I want to make sure it's a pretty dress. Plus, there is enough of a difference between the boy me and the girl me that people won't likely put the two together.

    I've been out in daylight in big cities (Chicago, Melbourne, Cleveland, Milwaukee), on public transit, at a Cardinals game, at a U2 concert, multiple restaurants, a few bars, lots of stores, never a problem, and a fair amount of complements.

    I have now had four times where I was out and I knew someone. The most recent time was this past Saturday at Pride. I saw her (mom of a kid I coached in youth soccer, and now a Facebook friend), but she didn't see me. None of the four knew it was me.

    Yes, going out with your spouse is probably not a good idea, as if someone knows her.....

    But your boy and girl lives are probably extremely seperated, so you are not likely to be outed by a common friend.

    If we let our fears of being discovered by unknown people to dictate our lives, we are giving control of our lives to that unknown person, who doesn't know who we are or even care who we are.

    Once I was out, my only regret is that I didn't do it earlier.
    I'm Sun-Dee at Kandi's Land; read about my outings here:

    https://www.kandis-land.com/author/dee/

  11. #11
    stone free mykell's Avatar
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    hi monica....i just had this experience recently, my ex neighbor frequents a thrift store i volunteer at, when i find them there i keep myself busy in the back room areas of the store.

    this past visit the store wanted to have me help with a large donation, relative to the folks making the donation of coarse....of coarse the neighbor folks were there and people were calling for me to collect that donation using my male name which i mimicked for my female version, hopefully they never make the connection.

    i apologized for being unavailable but my wife is very kool with this at this point, dont want to rock the boat. the fellow who runs the shop just had a conversation with me and said that i was just a crossdresser, that word is still not set up for auto correct, i do consider myself as non-binary and added that i may have been intersex but have no proof....he told me that i cant assume....so the facility is run by volunteers, many older folks, some nuns and retired folks, the facility helps folks in asbury park....and it has a religious connection.

    so the definitions have changed many times and i feel they have not caught up.

    anyway the town is very catholic and i feared it would be more of a challenge that it was....i was welcomed by the staff and the customers....since covid i still wear the mask....i think i look more feminine with it and i save time and money not having to use makeup....watching folks try to figure me out is fun....sometimes i pass until i open my mouth....i get clocked sometimes but im comfortable in and around the area. many of the regulars are very accepting and welcoming....some ask if OK to ask questions which i have no problem with.... the shop says its not the time or place which i get.

    so i dont think its how i deal with it as much as i dont care about the uncomfortable stares as i go about my business being my"self" i dont watch for that as much and just enjoy being me.

    hope i was able to convey myself and answer your question....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that those who deny freedom deserve it not for themselves
    NOBODY gets a pass to blow out someone else's candle in order to make theyre's shine brighter

  12. #12
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Scared to death to dress as Angela's Tomb Raider in Cambodia a few years back. There were so many guards at Angkor Wat!

    But, I was ever MORE afraid if I didn't try I would regret it the rest of my life!

    I did it! And, I'm glad!
    Everything scary I've done since then feels so much easier!
    P1040730 (6) (640x601).jpg
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member josie_S's Avatar
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    For me, like Monica, it begins by going out far from home. One night I stopped for gas in a town I didn't know, and some teenagers pulled in to the pump next to mine (so the gas pump was between us), and I could hear them giggling like the were in class--you know, loud enough to be heard but quiet enough to be seen as attempting to hide it. I was petrified. I gassed up, and didn't look their way at all, and got in my car and drove straight home (I was on my way home anyway), making sure they weren't following me. I kept telling myself how stupid I had been for being out alone, and how I shouldn't do that again, etc. But as soon as I had a chance to go out again, I did. So one way I got over my fears was because the need/want to go out and be seen was bigger than my fear. I also got smarter: gassed up before I went anywhere, only went to tg friendly places, and even if I went alone, I would at least walk back to my car with another girl. It's been a while since I've been out, but I'm sure that what I learned still holds up.

  14. #14
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    Gassing up en femme is a thrill for me, especially when I am dressed a bit (ok, even alot) over the top. It's a quick stop, and you have the refuge of your vehicle if needed. And if someone gives you a hard time, you can be a real gansta and hose them down with the gas nozzle. JK
    Inside my heart is breaking
    My make-up may be flaking
    But my smile still stays on

    C'est la vie CD

  15. #15
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    I'm a child of the 1950's and a teenager of the 1960's. When my interest in sexual matters was arising (no pun intended) I was terrified. I had developed a fondness for my mother's nylon slips; strictly for the feel of the fabric. I never had any thoughts of wanting to be a girl. I had no sisters or cousins or a mother or aunt who dressed me up. My interests in my mother's clothes grew; bra, panty, sleep, nylon night gown, and, the one dress I could fit into. The common street talk of the day was any male who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. Gay had not yet been co-opted by the homosexual community, so it was all those derogatory words. I lusted after movie starlets and unobtainable young women. But, "Was I queer?" I suspected if my desires got out I would be shunned and discriminated against which was probably correct.

    It took years of self analysis to come to the conclusion I was not gay. It's not only a wife or girl friend who has to wrestle with that question. The guy too. It took decades to accept who I was. Now, the problem I have to deal with is really the problem's of others. I am in a DADT marriage. She does not appreciate that aspect of my inner self. I can deal with that. I have to remember I do not live in a vacuum. Shit rolls downhill. If I were to "out" myself there would be all sorts of potential negativity my wife would have to deal with. Potentially, I would have the possibility of negative reactions from family members and friends. As a retiree I no longer have to deal with potential job loss or hostility from co-workers.

    "Stephanie time" is personal time. Yes, the front window drapes are closed. I do not answer the door if the bell rings. I took my clothes on business trips. If I venture out in the evening I go to a very safe friendly residential neighborhood.

    Even at my advancing age I still ponder the "Why?" question. I can say I embrace who I am and what I have done. But, life would have been a lot easier if I was not a cross dresser.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Karmen's Avatar
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    Same with me. I can't hide my male physique, so I always get clocked or recognized as a CD when in public. I learned to live with that. My biggest fear is that I'll meet someone I know and he or she will recognize me. I also had some close encounters with people I know, but manage to avoid them just enough that they didn't see me close enough to recognize me.

  17. #17
    Junior Member JustJennifer's Avatar
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    In male mode, I've always felt utterly invisible, like no one is going to give me a second look or even a first. So, having the opposite feeling of being so incredibly visible and conspicuous when dressed is just overwhelming... and unpleasantly so. I'm just not into the bar scene, so finding an accepting place and desensitizing my fears that way isn't really an option. I want to pass, but I recognize the futility and self-deception of that kind of thinking. Ultimately, I have to accept my fears and live within my comfort zone.

  18. #18
    I'm a Lumberjack & I'm OK
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    I used to fear going out, and after an extended time of not going out I do feel that way again.

    I've been out more frequently the last few years. Starting out with blend-in clothes (jeans, tennis shoes, and simple T shirt) builds confidence.

    Then work through sandals to casual skirts to sleeveless tops, and finally to heels and patterned stockings with dressy skirt and top with short sleeves.

    Building the confidence is key for me. When we feel out of place, it seems others pick up on that.

    I still avoid shopping where I need to speak as my voice will get me away, but otherwise my 5 ft 11 inch height doesn't seem to be an issue.

    And all this in central Indiana which is not a very friendly place for anyone "different"

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