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Thread: My Jekyll and Hyde life

  1. #1
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    My Jekyll and Hyde life

    I see a lot of inspirational stories on here of people coming out to their wives and it makes me WISH I was brave enough. During the day when I'm dressed, reading such stories, it all seems easy and logical. I should just sit her down tonight and tell her. Once the day is over however, everybody is back home and I'm in drab the thought just seems crazy.

    I've rehearsed the conversation MANY (MANY!) times, but how do you even get to the point where you can say "I like to wear women's clothing!" out loud; I'm SERIOUSLY in awe of people here who manage it. Here's how I see the hypothetical conversation going:

    Me: I like to wear women's clothing (and sometimes wear a wig and makeup)
    Wife: Why?
    Me: I have no idea
    Wife: (in confused voice!) can't you just stop it?
    Me: (In cold light of day) sure, it all seems rather silly and I'll never do it again

    Then the next morning comes around, I'm alone in the house for the day and my brain switches to a different mode; I'm back buried in my stash once more walking around in heels. It really feels like I live a Jekyll and Hyde existence with two completely different lives (and one of them is NOT very brave) :-(

  2. #2
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Aug 2021
    New Jersey
    HI Debbie - you don't say here, but I'm guessing you have been married for quite a while, and this dynamic has been going on for quite a while as well. Perhaps you've gotten used to it, the hiding, the deception.
    It's not that you are not brave, it's that you know that if you come out, things will change. The good news is that you care enough about and for your wife that you wish to shield her from all this CD stuff and maintain your relationship. Maybe you are embarrassed too- I know I was. The bad news that the longer you continue like this, the longer you are deceiving her, lying essentially. And that may be an even bigger point of contention than revealing your crossdressing.

    However, I think you are getting weary of this too, and need to make a change, for better or worse. Otherwise, you are basically living a lie, and you know it.When I realized that, I knew I had no choice but to come out. I'm one of the lucky ones, my wife was accepting and seems to be getting more into it as time goes on...I couldn't ask for more. Maybe you will be too, but if not, at least you will be living honestly.

    So the biggest question of all is can you continue living your life this way? Is it fair to you and your wife? The answers to those questions will tell you how to proceed.
    Last edited by Kris Burton; 11-18-2021 at 05:57 AM.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kris Burton View Post
    HI Debbie - you don't say here, but I'm guessing you have been married for quite a while, and this dynamic has been going on for quite a while as well. Perhaps you've gotten used to it, the hiding, the deception.
    WOW, that is SCARILY accurate!

    I've been married 25 years and Debbie hasn't been around for all of those years, sort of on and off with occasional purging. I've worked from home for the last 7 years (before the plague) and you're right that I've got SO use to the hiding that it's common place now. I thought it was all great, but something seems to have changed inside me in the last few months that's driving me crazily forward, maybe it's something to do with nearing 50. I've now got a "grab bag" hidden in my office with heels and skirt for those quick change days when I'm not quite sure if somebody is going to come to the door. That means that for the first time I'm taking slightly bigger risks and while the male side of me obviously doesn't want to get caught, I'm not sure if the Debbie side of me is deliberately trying to get caught to bring this into the open.

    And again, you're absolutely SPOT ON, it's getting tiring now with all the hiding and the anxiety that goes with it is absolutely exhausting. Over the years I've got VERY good at compartmentalizing and placing things in mental boxes. Everything I read said "don't do that, it'll end badly" but I had no choice and just continued, but they were right, after so many years those boxes start to spring open. Right now the "Debbie box" lid has shot open, I want to take it to the next level, buy some more wigs, get MUCH better and makeup (I'm terrible) and I feel like I'm getting to a point where the two different lives are about to come crashing together head on. Yes, it's not fair on my wife, she just wants a normal partner and obviously how do I even begin to explain that all this has been going on for so long without her feeling like she's been lied to all her life! (although I can imagine the relief of not having to carry this secret around with me would be incredible).

    That all said, my compartmentalizing is SO good now that once everybody is back home and "Debbie is safely back in her box" it all seems a little strange to my male side, like it never really happened so why bother "upsetting the apple cart". I feel like I'm slowly starting to go crazy.

  4. #4
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
    SouthEastern Ontario
    Me: I like to wear women's clothing (and sometimes wear a wig and makeup)
    do some research here for a better way to say this like for example there is something I have done all my life but hidden from everyone but I like sometimes to wear woman?s clothing, has nothing to do with you?.many men do this, it isnormal I am not gay, I love you and was afraid to tell you
    Wife: Why?

    Me: I have no idea good answer because no one really knows why, it just is
    Wife: (in confused voice!) can't you just stop it?
    Me: (In cold light of day) sure, it all seems rather silly and I'll never do it again
    NEVER EVER say you will stop? will not for very long and she will not trust you from then on out ! It is more important for her to see / understand it does not have to that big of a is common( look how many members we have here with more and more each day) and we do have a FAB forum here for her to talk to us.
    Please read more here how to go about it , and I hope you do someday tell her especially if is is a big part of your life . For every GG I have ever met here and in real life groups it was the feeling of being betrayed that was the hardest part to get over. Yes at first there will be fireworks she is shocked.
    Maybe write a letter putting things in and explaining if you are unable to discuss things clearly.
    Best of luck to you both .
    Last edited by Di; 11-18-2021 at 06:45 AM.
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  5. #5
    Member Cassiek's Avatar
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    Aug 2016
    SE Pennsylvania
    My only advise. Hope and pray for the best plan for the worst.

  6. #6
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    First, I see you are new here. So welcome to the forum. It is a great resource to learn how others deal with this or live their lives with this behavior pattern.

    Debbie, this situation is something many of us have dealt with and had various degrees of success. For some the wife pretty much accepts it and for others, well, the reaction can be terrifying. But you need to tell your wife the truth about the fact that you seem to have two sides. You actually don't. You are one person, but your behavior makes it seem like there are two sides.

    I agree with Kris that it is effectively a deception and very similar to a lie. That is not going to be taken well at first. Nobody wants to be deceived especially when she thinks it is one way and it is actually quite a bit more complicated. One of the first questions to consider is whether you had an interest of some sort in being a girl when you were a child and if you engaged in some form of this behavior back then, it went away for years, and didn't reappear until more or less recently. Continuous interest since childhood is one thing; sporadic interest periods is quite another.

    I agree with Di that no matter what the pattern is it must be accepted that there is a reason why you "like to wear women's clothing" and promising to quit is a huge mistake. Only a very few are able to do that so don't promise it.

    I also agree with Di before you do the Big Reveal you need to spend a lot of time reading the accounts of others and how they did it and what happened afterwards. Pay particular attention to exactly what others did, read about the errors they made as well as the successes they had. You may find quite a few whose story is similar to yours and others where the story is completely different. Pay particular attention to those where they are fairly similar to you - similar situation, similar history, etc. But it is not all about you; it is also about your wife and her love for you.

    The wild card is always the way the wife feels when she learns of it. Keep in mind that she believes she married a man that she admired and fell in love with. That is her image but it is not exactly accurate at this time. It is likely the man she married is still there but she is going to be shocked to find out he is also FEMALE-LIKE in some ways.

    Many women like a man who can be sensitive and empathic like she is, but dressing the part can be viewed as a threat and an aberration that threatens her if people find out that she is married to a crossdresser or a transgender person of some sort. In other words, don't mess with her social status and what people think of her based on her husband's behavior patterns. If the result is DADT then accept it. It may change later. But if she thinks you are trying dominate her and force her to accept everything this could imply she is going to fight back. And rightly so.

    Good luck. But hold off on the Big Reveal until you are better acquainted with the experiences of others and are able to formulate a better approach than "Dear, I like to wear women's clothing. Could you pass the salt?" I know you don't intend that, but think about how your first step in the reveal looks in her eyes and not how it looks in your eyes.

  7. #7
    Seasoned Member Rhonda Darling's Avatar
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    Some great advice given above. May I suggest that you read the “sticky” at the top of the entry page titled “Tips to an SO’s Acceptance”. There are over 400 entries/comments specific to the great reveal. A wealth of shared wisdom will be found there.

    Good luck and be sure to keep us posted or ask any question.
    Be all the woman that you can be!
    . . . and now, On With The Show!

  8. #8
    Member Vale's Avatar
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    Mar 2010

    Thoughts on options

    Hi Debbie,

    A couple of ideas to consider. Many wives and families are pretty perceptive. Consider that she probably has some idea of what you do after all these years. You may be actually living in an unspoken DADT situation. Think through the probable outcomes of some degree of reveal and decide which, if any, of these improve your situation. Consider possible small actions that could help you assess likely result before attempting a dramatic big reveal. Sometimes small things can reduce the pressure you feel without risking a big explosion.
    Hoping this helps, ..vale

  9. #9
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Jan 2014
    I would like to add: If you do tell your wife, don't be frustrated or disappointed if she doesn't immediately jump for joy that she married a CDer who has been keeping a secret. It takes many wives a while to wrap their heads around the CDing part and then learn the realization about the hiding/sneaking part. Two different things. If you tell her, be truthful, and as Di said, don't make promises that you can't keep.

    Just remember that you have known about your CDing for many years. Give her the same consideration of time and education to learn.

    Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

  10. #10
    Member Valerie Louise's Avatar
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    Jan 2012
    SE Wisconsin
    I took her to a B&B for a long weekend so no kids would be around. I did my best to make it enjoyable with dinner and shopping visits. The second day, in the morning, I told her, I am crazy. Seriously, I am nuts.
    I then told her I dress, I?ve always dressed, I?ve tried to stop, but you can?t. It always comes back. That I loved her, and am the same faithful spouse, and not gay.
    We spent the rest of the time talking about it. She wasn?t happy, but she didn?t reject me. We?ve been working on it for the last seven or eight years.
    You have to recognize that you are telling her you have lied to her. It?s gonna be hard for her to work her head around trusting you in the future. That is the most serious concern, if she accepts that your obsession is one that she can live with.
    The alternative is she finds out the wrong way, catches you in a dress, and the conversation is no longer in your control. It is in the control of Chaos. That consideration is what drove me to have The Talk.
    I empathize with you, whatever your choice is. Only you know the risks.
    Last edited by Valerie Louise; 11-18-2021 at 01:16 PM.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Nov 2016
    Greater Houston
    Coming from one who shared my "secret" with my wife very early on in our relationship, way before getting married...
    Be very sure of your reasons for sharing. Doing it for your reasons (getting something off your chest, wanting her to participate, etc.) is a mistake, unless you are prepared to have the relationship irretrievably wrecked. I'm not saying that it will happen, but it happens often enough. On the other hand, if you wish to have your spouse know that you regret having deceived her all these years, and you are willing to be understanding and supportive of her feelings in response to the revelation, approach it just that way. Your relationship will still be challenged, but trust me, a truly healthy relationship does not exist in the presence of such a major deception. Let her know that you're sharing this because you want end that deception.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

  12. #12
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Oct 2011
    Arlington Heights, Illinois
    Very interesting comments from members wanting you to be honest with you wife, very commendable, for sure.
    I am posting a counterpoint and the devils advocate as I live in a different perspective, for as long as I can remember.
    But you know the situation and you ONLY, really know what you can and should or should not do.

    Sounds like your wife is a saint and you are this evil cross dresser who is hiding a deep dark secret from her!
    Pleeeeeease! If you been married over 25 years, she has a few secrets hiding from you too!
    You better believe it! Why do you want to rock the boat? If all this is to clear a conscience, why risk it all?
    This becomes all about you and your desires...are you ready to be Debbie 24/7/365? yourself?
    Screw the golden years and having a spouse to count on if you get ill later in life.
    What are you really risking?
    We do tend to keep things to our love ones in order to shield them from grief.
    It is my main reason I am in a DADT relationship.

    Kris was spot on when she said, "It's not that you are not brave, it's that you know that if you come out, things will change."
    Any believe you me, things will change, usually not for you, the family, or your wife's betterment.
    It is my experience, you will most likely end your marriage unless she has too much invested or needs something you provide.
    I had two failed engagements to women who knew me and Candice, the now going on 28 yrs of marriage.
    For me, it has always been Husband first, no matter how bad I wanted to wander into the pink fog.
    And I learned to live with that...I had my bachelorette days.
    She married you as her husband first and foremost...not for your feminine qualities!
    If you think you can tell her and she will understand, maybe she is a Saint...or needs you for something important she will miss if she separates!
    There are a few wonderful ladies out there who figure it out and I do believe there is hope, for a slim few of us.
    Maybe getting comfortable with being "Husband First" will help in your for me!
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  13. #13
    New Member Patty_cd's Avatar
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    Oct 2021
    Even planing anything you can not be sure of what could appended ! It only gives you a kind of (fragile) security but it's needed to be planed.
    Explain who you are, say that you're not gay, you're not wating for a transitionning and propose her to meet Debbie someday just to have a loook if she don't react to hard. Why your wife can not be friend and have some girl time with Debbie ? I only give you some ideas...In fact I'm in a position quite similar to yours excepting I don' have a huge need to told her.

  14. #14
    Dani Dani0948's Avatar
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    Chicago Suburb
    What nobody is saying is that you WILL get caught. That's what happened to me. I kept it secret for years and really wanted to reveal, but procrastinated until I slipped up and got caught. Several others here have said that the betrayal is worse than the cd'ing. My wife still has trust issues. She will probably never really accept it. We are in a deep DADT. I'm still not sure if a reveal would have yielded a different result.
    Good luck

  15. #15
    Member Marissa Q's Avatar
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    Sep 2021
    SF Bay Area, CA (US)
    There's so much good advice in this thread that I hardly think I could add to it. Rhonda mentioned the Tips to an SO?s Acceptance thread and I agree you can discover a wealth of worthy info there as well. I will add a few things that might be additional factors to consider, ones that complicate any 'coming out' or creation of a neutral DADT environment. I also feel that some of these oft go unstated in these threads.

    I think that many of the "coming out" stories that begin/end happily are often due to the crossdresser's past history of success in managing a relationship. Financial stability and consistent sexual intimacy and satisfaction are universally acknowledged to be foundational to any relationship throughout the ages; we can stamp our feet and say it ain't so, but the fact of the matter is that money and sex go a long way to maintaining stability in a partnership. Thus,....

    • If you are financially dependent on your spouse/SO and you are already seen as "not pulling your weight" financially, this will inevitably work against you.
    • If you haven't taken your spouse/SO out to dinner on a regular basis or had a bonafide vacation together since 1929, this will inevitably work against you. And I'm not talking here about family gatherings, required work events, et. al. As crossdressers, most of us have a deep desire to be "out" or "seen"; your spouse/SO is the same. If she can't be seen or have an opportunity to shine in public, well... you do the math.
    • If you haven't been thoughtful at all those times you should have been -- birthdays, anniversaries, her successes, her failures -- and weren't her truly best friend, ready with a hug or an embrace, a gift, a card, flowers or some other tangible indication that she was foremost in your mind, this will inevitably work against you.
    • Regardless of the stories you tell yourself, if you haven't been intimate with your spouse/SO on a regular basis and that rarefied intimacy hasn't been satisfying at all, this will inevitably work against you. In point of fact, your lack of drive to engage in intimacy with her will, prima facie, add a massive, unfavorable weight to the scale of evidence she will amass for questioning your sexuality/sexual preferences.
    • If you have children and have left the bulk of child-rearing to her with all the incredible work that entails, this will inevitably go against you.
    • If your spouse/SO has essentially been a live-in servant, doing the bulk of housework -- a drudgery that NO ONE likes to perform -- by herself, this will inevitably go against you.
    • If you have stolen from her, this will inevitably go against you.
    • If you have isolated her from friends and family, this will inevitably go against you.
    • If you have been caught in numerous lies before -- no matter the internalized and highly subjective justifications you've created in your mind -- this will inevitably go against you.

    I realize that the above sounds incredibly pessimistic, but each of these factors is common to all failed/failing relationships. YMMV, but looking deeply into the existential mirror and admitting your own personal faults is the real first step you can take before having "that conversation" with her (or anyone for that matter). If crossdressing is viewed as just another compromise your spouse/SO has to make after a loooooooooooong history of back-bending compromises for you, well... don't expect much appreciation for your position. I will also clearly state that a successful resolution is totally plausible, but ONLY if you're internally honest about your past performance; THAT's the place to start from.

    TL;DR -- be honest with yourself before being honest with others.

  16. #16
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    Debbie, u don't want to tell her so don't.

    But, I think u should use whatever time u have until you're caught dreaming up a speech full of good reasons why u haven't confessed before during all these past years of blatant deceit!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  17. #17
    Member Larissa Cassandra's Avatar
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    Apr 2021
    Marissa - You've spelled out exactly the advice I would have give Debbie, except I was just going to say that if she already has a good marriage, coming out would be much easier than if there had been previous or ongoing problems!

    Debbie - I was tired of hiding from my wife for over 20 years, and was actually hoping to get caught so I didn't have to figure out how to tell her. We have a great marriage (2nd for both of us, after very bad first ones), so I thought the worst that could happen would be a DADT situation. Well, one day about a year and a half ago, she was taking me to the ER for chest pain (fortunately a false alarm), and I used that as an excuse to tell her that I had a box with things in it that might embarrass her if I "didn't make it" and other family members were helping her go through my things. I told her where the box was (I can't believe that all my clothes and makeup fit into one fairly small box back then!), but not what was in it. Of course, the next day when I wasn't home she looked in the box but didn't tell me. A few days later she was going through her makeup and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of, and asked me if I wanted one of her lipsticks! I looked at her and with a foolish grin on my face asked "Why would I want that?" Then she told me she'd looked in the box, and we sat down for a looooong conversation, most of which was trying to convince her that I'm not gay! I also told her that I'd had this inclination all my life and had acted upon it at various times, especially the previous several years, when she was traveling a lot for work. Well, she had stopped the traveling, so Larissa couldn't come out and play very much any more, so I got frustrated (I'd been spoiled by having so much free time while she was away), so like I said I kind of hoped to be caught and see what would happen. Turns out I'm one of the lucky ones, and like Kris and others, my wife has been increasingly accepting and supportive, to the point that last week she practically insisted that I take a ride in the car with her while dressed!

    Anyway, that's my story. Like Marissa says, take a good look at your relationship and only you can determine when and if to come out to your wife; i.e., if you think it will help or hurt your marriage. Good luck and please keep us posted.


  18. #18
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    WOW just WOW! I'm completely overwhelmed with the detailed advice and support, I never really expected anything like that. Having held this secret to myself for SO long, it's really strange to actually "talk" to people about it.

    In terms of my marriage, (I think) everything is fine, but I really can't imagine my wife EVER understanding this. I don't for one moment believe I'd tell her and she'd say "Great! Let's go shopping!", the very best situation I can imagine is a DADT. Knowing my wife, her first question is likely to be "why are you telling me this?". That would be a fair question since she believes she's in a perfectly normal marriage and then finds out that her partner is some strange person she's only ever read about in magazines. I can see her thinking "why me!", sometimes ignorance is bliss.

    I'm still in awe of all the girls who manage to actually utter the words to their wives. Maybe I've just held onto this secret for SO long and got SO use to hiding that I just can't imagine ever being able to actually say "I like wearing women's clothes" out loud. As I mentioned in my original post, once the clothes go away and everything is back to "normal" the day seems almost like a dream like it wasn't real and so it would be crazy to even mention it. Certainly things would never be the same again after saying those words.

    In real life I'm known for being reserved, but what I REALLY want is to pop on my heels, a nice summer dress and go strutting confidently down the road. Inside this reserved, quiet male is a fabulous female side trying to get out, I wish the world were different.

  19. #19
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    Mar 2020
    Among the wealth of advice here, I would say the important thing to get straight in your mind before you do anything is very, very truthfully ask yourself the "What's the worst thing that can happen here?" question. Once you really know the answer to that, then the risks and rewards will be understood and then you will know what is best for you to do. Me, ok, I did the big reveal right at the very start of the relationaship, and I did it more of less as in your op "I wear women's clothes", but the one thing that I had running through my mind as I was saying it was, that this might just be th end of this relationship. Only ever do anything if you can live with the result of your actions. However, whatever you do, I wish you every happiness.

  20. #20
    Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
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    Jun 2019
    I was a 'closeted crossdresser' for 21 years, I was NEVER caught (and Mrs. didn't secretly suspect).

    Only came out when I realized that if you spend parts of every day wishing to be a gender not assigned to you that you are transgender, you just haven't accepted that about yourself yet.

    When I came out, things weren't always great, but the marriage didn't end. It took a while, but it seems like, after bottoming out during the past summer that we're gonna stick together and figure it out. Maybe it's party due to the slowness of transitioning, maybe that it's better to have a happier partner than a sad one? And maybe I didn't have a lot of those past missteps listed in a previous post to be added into the debate?

    I tried to get across that I can't imagine having the thing I've been fighting with and now dealing with for a lifetime dumped on her lap, and said I hoped that eventually we might gradually figure out how to stick together.

    My wardrobe has slowly shifted to a more androgynous style, but so far have had no occasion to be in a skirt or dress, so maybe that's a factor in the growing acceptance.

    Wish us luck, and good luck to everyone dealing with their version of this life.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member
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    May 2014
    Pacific Northwest
    Whenever you feel inclined to open up this Pandora?s box to your wife, remember a single word: don?t!

    I was fool enough to admit it to my wife. I have regretted it every day since for more than forty years. Do not be stupid like me. Keep your mouth shut.

  22. #22
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Midlands UK
    If you've read any of my recent posts you'll know for the past week I've been living away from home enfemme and this has given me time to reflect upon my relationship with my SO.

    I've looked back to our early years, days when the Internet had yet to appear. My knowledge of the world of CD'ing was non existent. What you did see were negative mocking stereotypes on TV, the world wasn't kind to Gays and "Trannies".

    With that background you start a married life. You know you're not supposed to do this thing. Society says so hence coming out to anyone is a huge step and if you can keep it hidden then that's what you did.

    As you invest ever more time and effort into your marriage you accumulate more to lose. Children being the biggest.

    Along comes the Internet and a whole new vista appears. You're not alone. However society is slow to change so those old pressures still remain.

    I'm going to dispute deceitful. If we now accept that what we do isn't wrong then it's more a case of omission. Lying? The question was never asked so a false answer has never been given. To use both those terms just heaps additional pressure on not telling. We have to be sure in ourselves that what we do isn't wrong to be able to engage in dialogue. Doing things such as secretly gambling online with the family's food money and running up losses is deceitful. That harms the relationship. If like me you've a 40 plus years successfull marriage then I'd argue no harm has actually occurred. We have a happy marriage, we're financially secure, life is good.

    And now to an important point. What is it you could lose? I have two grown up kids. I come out. My wife and I split, do the kids side with her, or perhaps worse one supports me the other her mom and we have sibling conflict. Ripples on a previously still pond.

    I should now add that having reported here that I'm in the closet to all I now realise that in recent times my SO knows at least something of my dressing. So I'm now going to say I'm in a DADT situation.

    So, I'm weighing up having the chat. I'm hoping an opportunity will naturally present itself, a catalyst for conversation.

    I guess what I'm saying is each needs to consider their own situation. Don't burden yourself with negatives about your behaviour. If we've hidden it's because we were told to by society, one which only now is slowly beginning to be less judgemental and accepting towards the LGBT community.

    Look at it this way, we're the he ones that have kept our unhappiness, our desires and needs secret, we've not burdened others with it.

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Feb 2017
    Quote Originally Posted by DebbieCD View Post
    Knowing my wife, her first question is likely to be "why are you telling me this?".
    Debbie, your mileage may vary, but the odds being what they are (judging by the accounts in these forums and my wife's similar reaction) you will more likely be asked:
    1. Are you gay?
    And after some documenting about the subject:
    2. Do you plan to transition?

    Note that in addition to a lot of members, two Genetic Girls have answered to you (Di and Char). They are moderators on this site and have sample quite a few gazillion posts about the same topic, so make sure you don't overlook their advices.

    There is also a How To Tell cookbook (link in my signature), which I found very useful when I decided to reveal my CDing to my wife 36 years into the relationship. I don't know about others, but the decision and preparation to come out to my wife took me years (getting convinced it was the right thing, getting prepared to face the consequences).

    Like Di said, the broken trust will probably be the biggest sore point, and the hardest to mend.
    Like Char said, it takes years for a wife to get around this thing (if she ever does). My wife and I are two years in the reveal and things are far from back to normal (she's looking at dresses on Internet as I write this, but she won't ask me about them. Because if she asks me how she would look like in one she will think I will be also asking myself how I'd look in it too. The CDing corrupts a lot of things, a lot of moments. Back to normal may be something that will never happen, for her, for you).

    And you are right, it's probable that your wife will never understand.

    But as tough as it may be, I gave her back her control over her life and decisions, and I live in clarity and honesty now, not in a lie. I did give my wife the red pill, sure, but I had one for me too.

    But don't rush the decision taking, don't do it on a wim. Decide, plan and prepare. Be aware that it can end your relation (although I suspect how you behave after the reveal, your love, your patience, will be a key factor for this). Know exactly why you are doing it, so you don't regret it when the going gets rough.
    Last edited by DianeT; 11-19-2021 at 06:49 PM.

  24. #24
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Hi Debbie I am 50 and told by wife I cross dress. She was surprised but accepting. I told her as I believed by keeping this to myself I was being dishonest. I felt an increased need to share this with her when I discovered she had 50K in student loans not 15 which she told me before we married. I thought if I found out she had lied about student loans then it was only a matter of time until she found out about my dressing. I wanted to tell her rather than have her discover Kitty Sue on her own.

    I believe I did the right thing. I don't dress around her, although she said I could and that she would even help with makeup. Those are offers that I have not taken her up on. It is my opinion when we married she believed she was marrying a non cross dressing man. That being the case I believe it is my duty to present to her a non CDing man.

    If the shoe was on the other foot and my wife was a cross dresser I would support her, although I would not find it overly appealing.
    Just another man in a dress

  25. #25
    Senior Member Geena75's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    There are many, many truths told on this site, and in this thread. There are also some that I might hesitantly refer to as 'overstatements.'

    One is that you never can quit. I recently looked back on posts of mine from years ago and couldn't help but notice how few of the active members from then are still active now. To be sure, some may still be dressing up and just not using the forum for one reason or another. But some, undoubtedly, decided this really wasn't for them and walked away. People have given up any number of things because they decided it wasn't worth the problems that came with it.

    Another is that you certainly will be caught. Mind you, as you get further into the 'pink fog' you most likely will be caught. However, there are many cases of those who hid for years and years, dressing on very limited occasions, and never were caught -- they are the exception rather than the rule. The rationale would be: If you don't want to be caught, think about being caught. Keep your awareness at a high level.

    Also, it is treated like you are doing the spouse a big favor by getting it off your chest. Are you feeling the need to tell her primarily to ease your own guilty feelings, to make you feel better? The common thread is that your spouse is not going to feel better because you told her all about it. The surest way to keep her happy is to quit dressing, but not the sure way to keep yourself happy.

    The best advice has been to not rush into any big reveal. Research it, and maybe find ways to send up trial balloons to get a sense of her feelings on the issue in general.
    Last edited by char GG; 11-20-2021 at 06:38 AM. Reason: Please don't comment on moderated actions

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