After Prostate Cancer Surgery

[crobeson96]

I've read several threads on the forum in which some revealed they'd had prostate cancer and treatment, enough to believe my question has relevance to our community.

Impotence leads to awkwardness and avoidance of intimacy over time which a spouse can misinterpret as loss of interest and desire for her. Oddly enough the confession of crossdressing for decades opens everything for reconsideration possibly in a good way.

I would love some responses here or PMs if you feel uncomfortable on a thread - how have you (and your partner) dealt with altered sexual function (things not working the same after) following surgery/radiation/hormone therapy? I'm aware of all the medical interventions to repair the lost function but let's assume they didn't work...

I've re-written this a couple of times to avoid TMI (LOL).

TIA! - Camilla

[GretchenM]

Camilla, this subject is really quite common except people don't seem to want to talk about it for whatever reason. Been there, done that. But at 76 it is not such a big deal as it would be at 56 or 66 when sexual activity is still important in your life. It is still important at 76, but by then, prostate cancer or not, many men and most women have found that changing the pattern of sexual interaction to de-emphasize the importance of intercourse and emphasize just enjoying be close is very enriching and almost always less tiring.

I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago and had radiation and an experimental immunotherapy. Radiation can kill your ability just as easily as surgery if the nerves that trigger the physical response get fried in the process. There are two and they run right by and very close to the prostate. Hard to not have them affected. The signal goes out from the brain but it never reaches the target. IF there is still a need to have full sex then pills are the best way except they are horribly expensive and do have some rather unpleasant side effects in some people, like me. To me, being sick for the next 24 hours is not worth the best sex imaginable. Never buy pills that are not the genuine thing - you don't know what you are getting.

Most people just learn to live with it and find other ways to be intimate. My wife lost her interest 20 years ago. Mine declined 5 years ago. Our love and commitment to each other has not changed and we discovered ways to show our love in much more subtle but just as satisfying ways. Discuss it together with the urologist, but even better go to a therapist who can help you find other ways to express your feelings for each other. Believe me, this is not an uncommon problem - prostate cancer or not.

Being gender non-conforming can complicate things quite a bit but it all depends on whether the wife accepts that and appreciates being intimate with a male that is female-like in many ways. The point is, here as in acceptance of gender variance and everything else, we are all different. It is an opportunity to explore aspects of a love relationship that can replace the loss of the high intensity passion of sex and be just as satisfying and perhaps even more satisfying in the big picture.

[crobeson96]

GretchenM - Thank you for the wonderful response. I loved it!

I hope others will join in, even to say that like me, they haven’t figured it out either.

I’m finding that the talk jolted things and we’re talking more and better than before.

[AllieSF]

Hello Camilla,

I had prostate cance4r diagnosed in 2005 and had the prostate removed by the Da Vinci robotic ("nerve sparing") technique in August that year. I had both unwanted side effects, incontinence and impotent. Dated a woman a year later and of course I could not perform, but could make her happy. However, I was only partially satisfied. One reason is because I did not know how to be open and honest in discussing my needs and even special requirements that could have helped me climax. That was the final twig that broke my camel's back. I began experimenting, that led to my starting to crossdress at age 60. I never crossdressed before except for Halloween as a kid and for a costume party once.

I liked crossdressing so much that I was going out2-3 times a week into San Francisco with no fear and a lot of enjoyment. My crossdressing had no sexual satisfaction involved with it. The rest is history as I took one small step at a time, getting my ears pierced, starting electrolysis so I did not to shave, eventually letting my hair grow longer and then getting that colored so that it looked better. I always said that I would not tell anyone about my crossdressing until there was a need to do so. I finally reached that point as my CD and trans friends were always calling me a Crossdresser +++! I new that I was going to transition and I have.

The transition part probably has nothing to do with your situation. However, to keep both of you happy and in an understanding situation, I strongly recommend that you open up the details of your conversations between both of you. You be honest and very direct and detailed about your own personal situation and, importantly, your sexual satisfaction needs, and she in return needs to do the same. If that line of communication is not there, then see a therapist to help learn how to communicate clearly, honestly and with love. One can't help the other if something is left out of deep conversations. Honesty and complete descriptions of needs is needed. In my case, I felt that I lost my ability to be the man in the intimate relationship and could not put that in words. Being so open and honest can put you in a very delicate vulnerable position in your own mind. You need to trust your partner to understand.

There are new treatments that can help with impotency. One is self injections of a "bi-mix or tri-mix" into the penis before having sex. It actually helped me a little, but My accuracy of injecting in the correct location was about 20% of the time. With my mental/emotional shock of having cancer and then being hit with that double whammy of incontinence and impotency, I got frustrated and stopped that treatment. A second repair process is advertised on the radio and is non-evasive and may work. Some type of electro or electro sound (not sure of the exact description) that works for some people. Find someone through your personal doctor who can make a referral to the proper person ort treatment center to see if any of that may work for you.

For any incontinency, I finally resolved to do something about it when my accidents when out started happening more often. I went to a good urologist and had an artificial sphincter installed, which almost completely stopped any accidents. I got an orchiectomy at the same time. I just told my doctor that, "While you are down there Doc, how about removing the testicles too. That will stop my need to take spironolactone (a diuretic causing additional urine production) and I can stop taking spironolactone to block my testosterone. A win-win situation for me.

If you want further details, though most are here already, by all means PM me.

Good luck,

Allie

[Cheryl T]

On a different note.
It's not only something like prostate issues that can cause this. My problem was cholesterol and blocked arteries to the heart. The loss of blood flow in the body has a similar effect on ability. As for resolutions, aside from surgical intervention there are none. All of the advertised medications have adverse effects on the heart issues and are off limits to me. I don't wish to have any extreme interventions so I just live with it. Actually, I've come to find that for me it's not so bad and almost welcome now. Perhaps I'm just a bit farther along in my journey than I thought I was.

[Krisi]

I would think that your spouse would have been told about the possibility of your loss of sexual function. Obviously, if your "junk" no longer works, sex is not going to be something you look forward to and she should understand that.

I don't know if Viagra or similar drugs would help, that's something to discuss with your doctor.

That said, there are other ways to please a woman sexually that don't involve a penis. Rather than have my post edited or deleted, I am going to leave it to you to figure these out. Google will help here.

[nancy58]

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was 50 -- 4 years after I came out to my wife and to myself. (I am glad to discuss my treatment experience in detail with any man facing the problem. PM me.) My wife and I made love the night before my surgery, and I tried to remember every detail. Thirteen years later, our sex life is pretty minimal. Menopause didn't help, nor does the anti-anxiety medication that my wife takes (Strattera). And my wife is turned off by my crossdressing. There are also persistent personality conflicts that have always been part of our 30+ year relationship. We're both fallible humans, and in my work with my therapist, I've concluded that our relationship is good enough to stay in it. There are so many things that can get in the way of sex -- having an erection is almost a minor issue. (A worthwhile read is "Come As You Are". It's written for women, but it helped me understand my wife's perspective.)

As for the side effects of prostatectomy: Cialis gives me a 36-hour headache and no erection, and Viagra's need for an empty stomach means I haven't been able to get it to work yet. My wife wants no part of a vacuum pump, so sex for us is like what I imagine lesbian sex to be.

I am lucky that I don't experience incontinence in my relations with my wife, but crossdressing reaches some part of my brain that opens the spigot, and I have to insert a pad in my underwear when I dress up. Even just thinking about it can result in a rush to the bedroom to change my underwear.

As I write this, I see that it sounds kind of bleak, but I have no regret over my choice of prostatectomy. The mortality table showed 19 years for my Gleason score, and I am 13 years in. It's nice to know that I've probably got more than 6 years left, even though a bus could hit me today or tomorrow. There is so much that I want to see and do in life.

My wife and I mainly work on enjoyment of just being together and dealing with the crap life throws at us. We ride our tandem bicycle a lot, which isn't something couples on the rocks can do for very long. (Biking has, for me, always been nearly as powerful as sex.)

Good luck to you.

[Kris Burton]

Camilla - I've been trying to figure out how to address this...but I know and can relate to everything you and others say! My wife and I have not been intimate for 20+ years. She had a pituitary tumor removed about that time and it appears to have taken her sexual desire as well. I love my wife, and I cannot imagine life without her, so I kept my frustration to myself. However...

Impotence leads to awkwardness and avoidance of intimacy over time which a spouse can misinterpret as loss of interest and desire

We didn't address this at all, and that is what happened. We were becoming more distant...best of friends, but sadly, a romantic couple no more. My own diagnosis of prostate cancer came five years ago. Because of my situation, I was not concerned about the possibility of impotence. That happened, but I also had virtually every other side effect as well! Only recently and with several surgical interventions have I BEGUN to feel like myself again. Yet, my sexual desire seems to have remained in spite of all of this. Then...

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Oddly enough the confession of crossdressing for decades opens everything for reconsideration possibly in a good way.

Although I had not been crossdressing for decades, it is a desire i have had for many years. When i began to feel better, I chose to address it at last. Not surprisingly to me, it did address my sexual needs...there is a strong sexual component to my dressing...I find it quite exciting and it seems to have filled a long absent void in my psychology as well. I came out my wife about this within weeks.

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I?m finding that the talk jolted things and we?re talking more and better than before.

And such is the case. So I know what you are talking about Camilla, and I can see others have similar stories. I hope many more can relate.
Best
Kris

[NjJamie]

Kris and Nancy, thank you so much for sharing. For many people, the chance to just discuss any problem is limited, adding sex greatly complicates it as well as now adding a spouse and crossdressing so finding solutions or guidance is very difficult.

Both of you have me beat on the prostate front, no problems I know of yet though I am seeing some circulation problems that are just another fun part of getting older. I am very glad to still be in the game, having had a major accident 20+ years ago and dealing with limitations ever since but I'm now finding "issues" with marital (and solo) relations, culminating just last night with a nice mix of both your experiences, a difficult discussion on CDing and all the associated relationship challenges.

I hope we all manage to find a way through the relationship wilderness, someone forgot to leave maps at the entrances!

[crobeson96]

Thank you to everyone for sharing and offering your personal experience and thoughts to the thread. It seemed to me others had similar tales to mine and that's why I started the thread despite this seeming an odd place for such a discussion.
I've found my opening up to my wife has stimulated an increase in our dialog about everything in our marriage, overall for the better! We haven't been this close emotionally and physically in years. This may not have been my original intent (I have similar desires to many of you, similarly unfulfilled) but I am very content with how things are going.
Love ya'll, so much!
Camilla