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Thread: How did you tell your friends

  1. #1
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    How did you tell your friends

    I assume some of you took dressing in women's clothing beyond just you, your wife and your family. So how'd you do that?

    I have really changed how I dress over the last few years. I went from just panties that no one but my wife saw, to jeans and pants full-time. Toenails panted but mostly hidden to having my nails done 100% of the time. To now, I am just about out to everyone in the world except kids (wife says they know), career and my closest friends and our parents. I took a part-time job, thinking the people I worry about wouldn't shop there anyway and hoping that is the case, but also figured it would force that if they did.

    Friends I care about knowing; a couple I am not too worried about, they're more my wife's friends and most likely to be accepting. One couple is more my friends than my wife's, but he is more likely to not be cool with it. He still hasn't mentioned my nails and will walk away if his adult daughter or wife starts talking about nails with me. Both couples we have dinner with weekly and do things together on the weekends.

    Someday I'll ask about parents, but right now this is where I am. I feel like I skipped some steps or JUMPED them with taking that part-time job and now I need to go back.

  2. #2
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    Perhaps I should not be throwing my two cents in since I am not out to anyone. My wife and I are in a DADT marriage. However, I have to question whether coming out to friends is a good idea. I sense there is some apprehension with one friend because he walks away from you when you're engaging in talk with his daughter and wife about nails. Are you sure he does not know already? I am not out to anyone because "outing" myself to others will potentially affect not only my relationship with friends, but, also my wife's relationships. If your wife is comfortable with your idea, then go for it. Tell them. You already run the chance people you know will encounter you at work (Torrid). Are you just going to tell them of your dressing or are you going to be en femme when dining with them or doing things with them? I think most people tend to associate with "like minded" individuals. If I felt compelled to spread my wings I'd find a social or support group. I guess it comes down to "risk vs reward."

  3. #3
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    It's strange, I am not worried about anyone seeing me out and at work, but I am scared of friends and family knowing. I've been to the Mall, Torrid and even the gym to workout with no one seeming to care aside from a few double takes and a few smiles. I went to the gym kinda hoping I would get a negative reaction, just so I could say it wasn't just my friends and family that didn't like me because of this. I'm also not really letting my friends or family have that chance yet.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    I think the bottom line to coming out has to be the answer to the question "Does this person need to know?". Some of the people you are closest to - kids and parents - may be in the does not need to know category. For instance, I have no secrets about this with my wife, and we discuss freely now. However, my femme self was completely closeted over the Thanksgiving break when my adult children were over. No need for them to know. You are probably right saying those that you worry about would not shop at Torrid, but if it is a worry, perhaps you should tell them...it would certainly keep you from being paranoid about running into them at work. However if your main concern is your friends and family finding out,I'd say ask yourself this question, and proceed accordingly.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    It depends. In some cases I was talking to them over the phone and in other cases I told them by text or email.

  6. #6
    Junior Member TamT's Avatar
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    I'm in a pseudo DADT mode. My SO don't like it at all, and she have told about my CDing to some therapists as she thinks that all of her problems are because of this, and none of them gave her the solution she wanted to hear. But I still think she need some support, so I've thought about telling some of our best friends many times... but I didn't. I'm not sure if it would be a good idea.

  7. #7
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    The only person that accepted was my mother. I thought about coming out to an old friend but resisted. He made some negative comments regarding drag shows and CDs which made me change my mind. I agree with Kris. Do they need to know? If not and there is a risk of a negative outcome then I think it?s not worth it.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    I threw caution to the wind and just started posting pictures of myself dressed on Facebook, I got to a point where I just didn't care what others thought anymore. Real friends will accept you no matter what. Some friends have asked questions and don't really understand but they tell me to just be myself.

  9. #9
    New Member NatalieR's Avatar
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    I told people by email or text and kind of gauged their reaction before sending pictures. Some friends and relatives were like "Great! Let's go out! Whatever you are comfortable with!" Others were like "That's OK, be who you are", and then never mentioned it again. I have really enjoyed sharing it with people I knew (or was pretty sure) would be cool with it. I decided that it was a fairly important part of who I am and wanted people who were close to me to know. I decided not to tell my parents or siblings (yet?) because I'm not sure how it would effect our relationships. I did decide that I would tell potential romantic partners very early on, and my current partner knows and is very supportive. So awesome!

  10. #10
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    I have a small number of female friends who know - plus my wife and adult children - they were told because I did not want to lie to them

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Some of you may recall an incident I posted about a while ago, where a friend found out about me. That friend has since told three other friends that I know of, and I have had to deal with that situation over the past several months. One of those did not take it well and has basically ghosted me. He is very much an alpha old-fashioned macho kind of guy. Another is accepting but told me that he would prefer not to see me as Monica because he's not sure how he would feel about it. The third friend kind of just shrugged and went back to talking about his cars and the work he's doing on his home. This development is what has led to me being a lot more open about Monica as I clumsily attempt to force her/me into my daily existence.

  12. #12
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    How did I tell my friends? One by one, slowly, over time. All reveals went fabulous at that time, but as time has gone on, some of those friends have now disappeared form our lives. Is that really a bad thing though? And is it really related to being trans? Friends come and go throughout our lives for a wide variety of reasons. I think I read something like 70% of our friends will be replaced like every 5-10 years or some such thing as that.

    So, um, yeah, I transitioned so eventually I needed to come out to everybody, that's kind of part of transition. But I was also coming out to people back when I considered myself as "just" a crossdresser. I had heard the argument before of only telling those who need to know. It was actually a very common comment from a friend I made on these boards. Anywho, guess what she's doing these days? Coming out to her friends and family after years of insisting to everyone that it really isn't a good idea. She still considers herself to not be heading towards transition.
    Last edited by char GG; 11-30-2021 at 07:58 AM. Reason: No need to comment on moderated issues

  13. #13
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    If I were truly transitioning I would come out to everyone but I'm not. Friends that know the fem me are separate from my old friends that have always known me as a male. I have a secret other life as far as old friends are concerned.

    I've told several girlfriends (and ex-wife) that I've had in the past who have told other friends without my consent. I don't know how many people have heard this "rumor" but it doesn't really matter. It's not something others will bring up.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  14. #14
    Senior Member Angela1954's Avatar
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    My wife knows and is accepting, although she prefers not to go out with me. No problem. I will start therapy soon to get some closure on the question of crossdresser vs. transgender. If I were in my 20?s 30?s transitioning would be a different question. At 67 though it?s different. No one really needs to know at this point, especially my children who I don?t think would be on board. Since I wear leggings basically 24/7 I?m assuming some people may have some opinions. But no one has ever said anything so it?s best to go with the flow.

  15. #15
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    I'm planning to tell some mutual friends of my boyfriend's and I soon but I'm waiting for the right time and circumstances. They're great people who I think will be accepting, and obviously they already know I'm bi so it may not be a huge shock to them but I want to make sure I tell them the right way.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member kellyanne's Avatar
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    I see no advantage to sharing this knowledge with non TG folk

  17. #17
    Senior Member Geena75's Avatar
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    I'm going to put this in a very unvarnished form. I'm only out to members of this forum because they would understand. I'm very private, especially about personal things. Example; I have made love to my spouse often over the years, but I don't talk about it with my friends because it's personal, and we don't need to talk about it. I cross dress much less than that and likewise don't talk about it with those friends, we have plenty to talk about otherwise. I do talk about it here, because that's what we do. Again, that's just me. I wouldn't suggest anyone else follow my lead.

  18. #18
    Just being true to myself Jolene Robertson's Avatar
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    I'm like many on here, I share more on here than I do with most since we have a shared interest in the matter. I have told a couple people who I do dress around when we are together but unless you intend to go full time I see no need to tell people who you won't be dressing around.

  19. #19
    prissy chic ellbee's Avatar
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    I tend to take this approach...


    Obviously I know a person, at least to a certain degree. So that's the first thing.

    Sometimes I like to try to "gauge" them, should I feel they may be somewhat receptive. I do that with GG's a lot... Something happens and/or something is said, so perhaps in a "half-joking" kind of way I will respond to test that proverbial ice.

    Then, I wait for their reaction. Maybe it's just those who I tend to be friends with, but for the most part? GG's *can* be pretty receptive to all this.


    Anyway, I then take it from there. Perhaps another time somewhere down the road, I do something similar with them again -- and continue to gradually explore that rabbit-hole.


    I think what it all boils down to, is how & why do you want to incorporate this part of yourself, into the friendship. And with whom? And how do you go about doing it in everyday life? What are you expecting from this new twist on the friendship? Would the other person benefit somehow? How might the friendship grow/morph/fall apart?


    So many angles to this, for sure.

    If done correctly, with the right person? Yeah, it can be absolutely amazing at times!

    Tread carefully, though, too.

  20. #20
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    I hid for decades and decades but found I wasn't satisfied or fulfilled dressing in the closet. I eventually found a support group that I joined but they only got to see the Sarah side of me until I understood I could trust them. Eventually my wife found out, and to my good luck was supportive and we discussed needs and boundaries. That worked until she passed away. By that time, I had retired from my career and found myself living as Sarah as much as possible, but worried about being found out once again. I was still struggling and sought out a therapist to set a path forward. I came out to my daughter, and like others have mentioned my kids and some of their friends already knew. It was better, but I still felt confined by the need to have and protect two identities.

    After a lot of discussion, I decided to take the first steps toward transition knowing if I continued, I'd have to come out to the world eventually. The day I took my first dose I came out to my oldest friend and his wife. Over the next year I began to evaluate who I really needed in my life and identified the friends who meant the most to me. Over a period of two weeks, I came out to 5 more couples, all of whom were supportive. During Covid lockdowns I found no reason to continue being the guy and started living full time as Sarah. I made more phone calls and continued letting friends and family know I was going to transition. I applied for and got my legal name and gender change. It was done by October 11, Coming Out day, and on that day, I came out publicly with only a couple of people lost to or antagonistic toward me.

    In short, I waited as long as possible because I feared the loss of career, friends and family. I did my research until I had confidence that I was going to be given an honest response with a chance of success from those closest to me and worked it out from there. It was "Need to know, Right to Know, and finally Don't care who knows." It wasn't done overnight or on a whim. I probably could have moved more quickly, but I'm happy where I am now in this issue, and that's the final measure of success for me.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  21. #21
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    Things change over time. Friends become NOT friends. Crossdressing is a very personal thing. Unless someone NEEDS to know, or you absolutely NEED them to know, I'd keep it to yourself.

  22. #22
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    So you wear women's pants all the time and are still under a dilusion that people don't know? And then your friends wife and daughter are talking about nails with you, at which point he walks away. I hate to break it to you sweetie but they know something is different with you. Just because they don't say anything doesn't mean they don't know.
    I had a good friend see me while out wearing a skirt but otherwise presenting as male years ago. He didn't say a thing about it. A while later he saw me dressed full fem and then asked. Is this something you do a lot? I said yes probably to much. He said ok cool. We still stay in touch and he is supportive of me transitioning. He had no comments and the dressing didn't bother him but he was curious if I did it a lot, when seen fully dressed. I later found out he had seen me a few times before. We hadn't talked them times as I was trying to hide and he wasn't trying to hard to get my attention. Or other circumstances prevented it. But he never said anything. I honestly think iseing hindsight he was seeing how honest I'd be about it.

  23. #23
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    I haven't told friends.
    The only people who truly know are the people who were in the support groups we were part of before Covid. When I came out to the wife and she became supportive we agreed not to tell family and friends. So far that has been successful and that's fine with me at this point.
    Wear something pretty every day !

  24. #24
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    Every time I talk to my brother now, he assures me he has not told anyone about “that thing you told me about.” Gotten kind of annoying. My sister is chill about it.

  25. #25
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    I've told very, very few people, as I never really got positive responses. The best I got, were a few gay people, three female and one male. All wound up telling me that I 'should try dating men'. Nope, they didn't get it. But at least they understood why I was in the closet. The women, I was occasionally their escort for various social events where they weren't out, either. Same with the guy, who occasionally needed a more straight appearing friend. Generally nice people, but couldn't get their head around the fact that I wasn't just a gay man in denial. I suppose they all went through that stage at some point, and just assumed that I was going through the same thing.
    Mother, sister, one friend, all were horrified when I told them, so that was the end of me telling the 'normals', pretty much forever. Society still has a long way to go, when it comes to accepting crossdressing. Sometimes we forget that, due to, oh, the general acceptance we get online in these support forums.
    The Pink Fog is thick.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

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