A strange day Thursday

[Heather76]

Thursday was the day I had an appointment at the VA. The appointment was made at my request to speak with a doctor/counselor/therapist in the VA LGBTQ+ Care Program. I knew this first appointment would be a "Therapy Workshop" - whatever that is. I went there underdressed including stockings, panties, bralette and A cup silicone inserts. I also had a pair of DD cup forms in place for the drive to and from the appointment. When I parked the car, I removed the forms and walked on in. The A cup inserts are not particularly noticeable; but, could be noticed if someone were looking for them.

Imagine my surprise when those attending the workshop are asked to go in a room right off the lobby. There were probably 20 of us. I went in near the end of the crowd and ended up sitting in the front row of chairs. We were seated at tables as we had some material placed at each seat. As I'm leaning forward to write on some the paperwork I realized the back hook & loop closure on my bralette has to be noticeable to anyone behind me. Oh well, I don't know any of them and don't know if I'll ever see them again. This workshop was to introduce veterans to the various therapy treatments offered by the VA. Yes, I was in a room with people suffering drug addiction, alcohol addiction, PTSD, depression, suicidal tendencies, chronic pain, eating disorders, insomnia, and gender issues and anything else you can think of. The next session is a 2nd workshop which will include the doctor spending about 5 minutes with each person to talk about their specific issues and hopefully chart out a course of therapy. Because we had out of town guests, my wife and I didn't have a chance to discuss this workshop. I expect we will do that tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to tell her I'm not sure this is something I want to return for; and, I believe if we just talk thru this, we can solve what needs to be solved. We are both actually mature, intelligent people. My primary reason for going to therapy is to find out if we can learn WHY I enjoy CDing so much so that my wife can understand why I do this. I would also like our situation to be such that we can COMFORTABLY speak with each other about my CDing. The final goal is to be able to wear my dresses anytime I want at home and not feel awkward doing so. Yes, my wife has told me I can do that; but, I'm not comfortable doing so at this point as I feel as though she will think less of me if I do. I would like that elephant out of the house. Anyway, I do want to talk with her over the weekend to see if knowing the why is really that important going forward. If it is, I'll continue going. The reason I'm not particularly interested in continuing is the therapy sessions are virtual group support sessions. I get that here, quite honestly. In person sessions are only made available for couples counseling. I don't believe my wife is interested in attending couples counseling; but, if she is then I will definitely continue.

Enough of the mundane news. When I got back to my car in the parking lot, in went the DD cup breast forms covered only by the bralette and my golf shirt. I get about 3/4 of a mile from the VA and I see a $3.849/gallon gas sign when most places are between $3.949 - $4.099. In I go to gas up my car. I guess I should remove the breast forms before getting out of my car. OH, THE HELL WITH THAT. Yes, I got out of my car to fill the tank at a somewhat busy gas station on a busy street with another busy street coming into the shopping area the gas station is located at and with my DD cups proudly leading the way. I decided I didn't know a soul there and if anyone had a problem, it was their problem and not my problem. IF anyone noticed, I'm sure they were wondering who the screwball was with fake tits under his golf shirt. Guess what, I really didn't care who saw or what they thought. I'm still not ready to walk into a store like that where I will be face to face with people; but, this was a huge step forward for me so far as not caring what others think. I doubt I'll ever not care what friends and family think; but, that's okay. Caution is a good thing.

[SaraLin]

Thank you, Heather for the update on the VA therapy session. I've considered setting something up (if they have anything at my local clinic), but have hesitated to do so.
My wife is basically against it and I'm not sure what I'd hope to gain from it anyway, since I'm already doing OK at coping with my -um- "unique' situation.

From the way you describe how it went, I'm not sure It would be right for me - but please do keep us informed if you continue. Maybe later sessions will be more useful - and hopefully helpful.

[Maria 60]

Well pretty much little steps and feel comfortable with what your doing. For myself I always say who cares what others think but I guess we just do. I would be happy with what you did, it takes a lot of confidence and courage to do what you did. You should be proud of yourself for not caring about strangers and doing what makes you happy.
Cheers

[Kris Burton]

I'm hardly an expert on these matters, but it doesn't sound like the VA offerings are the right fit for you. Personally, I would seek a counselor more specifically versed in the issues you describe than what is being offered here. It may be convenient in many ways, but not suited to your needs.

I can certainly relate to your issues of awkwardness about speaking to your wife about this. My wife is accepting and open with me also, but it is often difficult to start and discuss a new CD related topic. I'd rather she take the lead and ask questions, but she doesn't always do that, so maybe she feels the same way. We need to talk about talking sometimes - break through the ice that builds up during the times we do not. Although we are doing fine, maybe we could benefit from some sessions as well.

Finally, I like your attitude about being seen publicly. What you do matters to those around you that are closest, As for the others, I say if you don't like it - don't look!

[Tamroi]

Dear Heather,
Thanks for sharing. Is it sensitizing to see people who have serious problems? I suggest that you wear a D bra all the time. I've always had breasts. Being happy to have them took me a foolishly long time. I've grown to wear stuff meant for women publicly all the time, even with my beard. I find that everyone is friendlier when I do. Enjoy and do not hide your great hobby. I do dress for any occasion and so at straight work-conferences I wear clothes meant for men but of course I keep my boobs.

[Stephanie47]

OK, from your description of the meeting, it sounds it was an "intake" session with the goal of providing direction to veterans. The object would be to direct the veteran to a clinic specific to his or her issue. I attend a veterans community outreach facility where, to get into the door, you must be a combat veteran experiencing PTSD. The outreach facility also treats female/male sexual assault in the military. It offers one-on-one, marital and group counseling. I have to assume the staff has the credentials to provide the necessary services or make a referral to the community care program. If you really want the help, you should stick it out. One of the issues that always arises, from personal experience with myself and those in my therapy group, is the veterans always finds a way to talk himself or herself out of it. "I'm alright, there's nothing wrong with me!" Stick it out. You can always decide later it is not for you. Or decide it is!

[Heather76]

I spoke with my wife today regarding the session I went to. One of the things we were given was a piece of paper with 4 items to fill out.
1) Pros of therapy
2) Cons of no therapy
3) Goals of therapy
4) I will know I achieved my goals...

Without giving it word for word, I told my wife the pros of therapy (for me) would be that she and I can comfortably discuss my cross dressing and I can CD at will at home.
The cons of no therapy would be my CD activities would always be an awkward chasm between us.
My goal would be to understand why I CD so she can understand why, too.
I will have achieved my goals when we are BOTH totally comfortable when I CD in her presence.

I have, if I choose to attend, one more workshop session. At that session, among other things, we meet one on one with the doctor (psychiatrist, I believe) to discuss possible future therapy. In my case, the LGBTQ sessions are a once/month virtual meeting at a preset time as part of a support group. It is possible to have couple's sessions in person. I asked my wife if she would care to do that. Her response was, "That's up to you. If you want to, I will." I told her my interest in having couple's therapy would be to get her 100% comfortable with my CDing. She said she really didn't ever see that (being 100% comfortable) happening. I suspect I will go to the next workshop to find out the possibilities of couple's therapy. In all honesty, I have no problems with my cross dressing. I enjoy it and I believe I recognize it for what it is. It is something I do because of a trigger from my formative years. It is not immoral. It is not illegal. It is not a mainstream activity; but, it also isn't indicative of a mental disorder. For me, it is not at all sexual. My wife did repeat a question she asked me previously. That was if I were interested in men. Again, I assured her I had no interest in men and had no interest in transitioning. When I told her I simply find female clothing to be comfortable and relaxing to wear, she quipped, "How can you find wearing a bra comfortable? They are the worst things ever invented for women to wear." One other thing she did say is that she's okay with me wearing dresses at home; but, she doesn't ever want to see me wearing makeup. I'll accept that as a hard line boundary. Will I wear makeup? Yes - just NEVER in her presence.

I did tell her my biggest fear/issue is if I do walk out to the family room in a dress I don't want her to get up and say she is going to bed just to leave the room. About a week ago I had occasion to go in our bedroom while she was watching TV in the family room. We have a sitting area in the bedroom that we use as our home office (desk, computer, file cabinet. 2 printers, etc.). I was doing some tax work and watching a different TV show. Since I would be in there alone for about 2 hours, I decided a dress was right for the occasion. I was wearing my black lace dress, fishnets, bra, and forms. At 11 pm when her show was over she came in the bedroom to go to bed. I believe that is only the 2nd time she's seen me in a dress. The other time I had fallen asleep in my recliner and she woke me up to come to bed. It was no big deal. I got up from the desk to leave the room so she could get to sleep and we kissed good night.

Anyway, today's conversation was good. I'm not sure the VA therapy program is geared toward what I would like to accomplish; but, I'll give it a chance and see what happens.

[rachael j.]

Just as a bit of insight for any Veterans here, I've been to the V.A. in SLC, Ut and in Boise, Id. Both have been LGBTQ considerate and aware for well over ten years (to include crossdressers). I have seen a V.A. counselor in Boise for over three years. I'm currently even seeing my primary care physician at the women's clinic here. I'm super grateful of what the V.A. has provided me and gently suggest you hang with it a little bit longer and see what they can offer.

[Heather76]

My wife and I talked a bit more today. She really isn't interested at all in couple's counseling but would go if I thought it might help. I told her my purpose in going would be to hopefully give her a different perspective on my cross dressing. She repeated not to pursue the counseling for her benefit as she simply doesn't believe she will change her position that CDing is simply weird and she'd rather not beat a dead horse. They have the 2nd sessions on Wednesday afternoons. My next 2 Wednesdays are already booked with previous obligations. My first open Wednesday is April 6th. Coincidentally, my wife will be out of town with a friend on the 5th and 6th. I'm planning to go that day and present the counselor with my "case." I hope she/he will have a strong opinion as to whether or not couple's therapy is worth pursuing.

[Heather76]

Today, while looking at our calendars for the upcoming week, my wife asked, "You aren't planning on going to the VA Therapy this Wednesday, are you?" I told her no to which she replied, "Good, I don't think you need to." However, while I answered her question honestly, I didn't answer what she really meant in that I am leaning toward going 2 weeks from Wednesday while she is out of town. As the time draws nearer, I plan to let her know I am strongly considering going to see what I might learn. I was taken aback a little by her "I don't think you need to" comment.

[docrobbysherry]

Heather, I have some info u.

1st, as far as finding out why we CD? Very few of us have the answer to that on this site! Much less someone at the VA knowing why u do.

2nd, I've been to a number of therapists. The one I went to for my CDing said, "You're not hurting anyone with your dressing, so I don't see that as a problem." Then, we moved on to my real problems which were with my wife. Now, ex wife. So those problems r solved, too!

U see counselors r there to help u solve problems. They don't consider dressing by itself to be one. It sounds to me that your only issue with dressing is your wife. I believe if u can't discuss realistic limits both of u can live with? An experienced therapist mite help u with that. You'd be quite lucky to find that kind of therapist at the VA!

[Jenn A116]

An interesting journey you are on Heather. Happy that there is a resource you can use to perhaps navigate the waters. Although I'm a Veteran, I've never been to a VA facility but I am glad that they exist.

I have no doubt that PTSD is real and that many need help in coming to terms with it. Back in my day (50 years ago) the condition was just becoming known. Looking back I'm sure that I had it after coming home from Nam. But I didn't recognize it at the time. Not that this has anything to do with your current experience.

But I did want to say good luck with your goal to understand why you CD. I don't know why I do it other than it just feels right when I do. I suspect most of us (CD, not TS) here have no Idea either. One of life's great mysteries.

[JulieC]

I, too, don't think a therapist is going to have answers as to why a crossdresser feels compelled to dress opposite. LGBTQIA+ topics are a lot more common now than they used to be. But, science hasn't really caught up with this wave just yet. 20, even 10 years ago your chances of getting a grant to study such a thing would have been below zero. Times, they are a changing. I think there will be grant money available on the future for psychologists to look into this area and finally get some real science done. Until then, a therapist likely won't have any answer as to why we crossdress.

Personally, I gave up trying to explain it many years ago. I ran myself in circles trying to understand it. I still don't. I just know that it's me, and putting on a pretty dress, heels, and hose makes me feel very good. I don't know that I need an explanation anymore of 'why'.

[Heather76]

I had an appointment today with a psychiatrist at the VA. The purpose of the appointment was to have my prescription started thru the new VA I'm now assigned to. Since ADD comes under the umbrella of mental health services, I had to see her. No problem unless she wouldn't renew the prescription. Not to worry. I took in my doctor's report of the initial diagnosis from 2004. I also took in my cardiologist's notes from a visit in December, 2020 stating there is no cardiological reason I cannot continue on this medicine. If anyone would put a halt to it, they will answer to my wife. She KNOWS if I haven't taken it; but, it's been quite a long time since I've skipped consecutive doses. Anyway, she obviously has the notes about me attending the therapy workshop. She spent a lot of time confirming I'm not suicidal or suffering depression. When she was convinced I'm neither (I'm too jovial for my own good), she asked why I went to the workshop. Of course, I knew her notes also had to show I am a cross dresser; so, I tell her, "I cross dress. When I came to the first workshop I was interested in couple's counseling. But, after that workshop, my wife told me she wasn't particularly interested in going, it was fine that I cross dress with the understanding I don't make it at all obvious when I'm out with her." I told her I underdress daily just as I was at that moment. I gave her the story about my wife telling me to "put my big girl panties on" and how that triggered childhood memories. I told the doc I was fine with those limits and actually doubt I will go out in women's outer wear. I told her my wife, while not really supportive, is accepting, and that is so much more than many men get so all is good. She said if it ever becomes an issue to please contact her. She then asked if I prefer to be addressed by a feminine name. I said "No."

The bottom line of the appointment is the doc knows the full story of my crossdressing and placed an order for the meds.

On my way to the appointment, I stopped for $3.779 gas as my tank was almost empty. I pulled to the furthest pump and there was only one other car at the station with 16 pumps. I start filling my tank and sit back in the car. When the pump stops, I open the door to get out. During the filling, an SUV pulled up on the other side of the pump. All I could see of it was the rear quarter panel with the filler tube door. As I'm getting out of my car to return the hose to the pump, a lady steps over to my side of the pumps to compliment me on my car (a hemi Challenger). I thank her. Also as I was getting out of my car, a lifted pickup pulls onto the other side of the pumps in front of my car. He has a direct view of me getting out of and into my car. Gee, I wonder if anyone noticed the DD tear drop forms busting beneath my golf shirt. Who cares? I know I don't. But, I did remove them before going into the VA facility as I don't need a bunch of people staring, gawking, etc. And, as it turns out, a couple we lived next door to the past 4 years at the condo complex were in the lobby and waved me over to talk. I'm really glad I had removed the forms. Whew!!! They are a nice couple also in their 70s; but, she'd have made a county wide announcement if she had seen them.

[Jenni6521]

Heather thank you so much for this thread. My mind has been working overtime this week on my own journey with dressing. I have considered and did look for some virtual/in person support groups in the LBGTQA+ community. For me the recurrent theme has been how lonely I feel as of late. My wife is accepting only to the point of I know you do it, and do not mention it to me. There are things that I feel I want to talk to her about, but as you have said getting the ball rolling is very difficult. It was so hard for me to revisit my underdressing and wanting her to know about what I was doing it. As for wanting to know why, when that topic comes up it is not good for me. I tend to become overly judgmental of myself and that leads to the asking of why do it in the first place. I seem to be happier and more adjusted when wearing basics under my my male clothes. I think it would be nice to have a group of people to either meet with virtually or in person. To be able to see others that are doing the same things as I am and also having the same feelings would reduce (hopefully) the loneliness I have been feeling. This group has been great for me, but.... I am feeling more like along with my posting here it would help to attend a support type group.

[Heather76]

Jenni, if you are a veteran, please find out the nearest facility that has the LGBTQ+ Veterans Care Program. My wife and I are further along than you and your wife are at this moment. It didn't come easy; but, in all honesty, I believe it happened quicker than it does for a lot of us. Anyway, the VA program does have (at least where I'm located) a once/month virtual meeting with a support group. I'm not 100% certain; but, I get the impression it is free for all veterans. I happen to have a 100% service connected disability rating; so, all VA services are of no charge to me. All you need to do is an internet search for: LGBTQ+ Veterans Care Program (city, state). If that VA facility has the program in place, it will be on the web site. The facility I went to has a Thursday afternoon group workshop. The 2nd workshop is on a Wednesday. One could go the following Wednesday or any subsequent day that works. You have to be scheduled for the first workshop (ask your VA PCP for a referral). The 2nd workshop you just show up at.

All that said, this is a great support group right here. At any given time there are generally at least 250 people on the Male to Female Crossdresser forums. That is a lot of experience that is being shared. If the VA program won't work for you, be here and read all you can. Even the most simple of posts may have a pearl of wisdom that you can latch onto. Good luck.

[dana 1]

Thanks for the post

[rian]

Dear Heather
, I passed thru the awkward feeling when I dress my feminine outfits at home infront of my wife at first ,,then I took the decision to wear whenever I needed after I have discussed with my wife that I need to do this no matter what she thinks of me ,,,yet things went very smoothly because at the end she accepted me as I am and now I can wear my full free home dressing all the lingerie I want and all what I feel doing with her support and sometimes she would buy me some bras, panties ,,,,and others from time to time ,,,, I love it

[alwayshave]

Heather, I stopped wondering long ago why I crossdress. At this point it's just something to enjoy.

[Heather76]

Jamie, I agree completely. I don't know why and I don't care why. What I do know is I truly enjoy it and almost feel naked if not at least underdressed in excess of just panties.