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Thread: Looking for Advice

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Mar 2013
    New Zealand

    Lightbulb Looking for Advice

    So lately I have been thinking ALOT about just posting a Pic of Jessica up on Social Media with a short comment about "this is me - sometimes"

    Some background on this. I saw a post on here quite a long time ago about someone who actually did this, not that I can find that thread now though but anyway...
    This stuck with me, as it really appeals to me. I'm super lucky enough to have a super supportive wife, and I'm 'out' to most of my close friends.
    I guess I am just over worrying about this side of me & people finding out, as I really don't care anymore. I like to share my hobbies etc on social media and I would LOVE to be able to put up the odd photo of Jessica too. I don't dress that often, maybe once or twice a month. No inclination to go out in public really, maybe a walk round a park to get some photos or something, maybe out for a drink or a meal - but more to conquer that fear rather than anything else. I would like to be able to go to friends for dinner etc as Jessica but I still have this worry about what if people see me.
    I have spoken with a few people about this, and most have been really encouraging about it. My wife is on the fence, but only because she has concerns how it could effect her job/career (Early Childhood teacher). There are a few people I know won't like it, my parents being one & also a couple of highly religious friends - but I'm really not too bothered about that if i'm honest. I don't believe it would cause a rift with my parents, just maybe a bit awkward for a bit. But hey if they don't want to see that side of me, they can always unfollow me right.

    I really do feel that doing this would take a huge weight off my shoulders, let me be free to express myself openly. My wife & I have had infertility problems & have recently come to terms with the fact we are not having kids (been a long road!) and we both have a new outlook of do what makes you happy - which also leads into being fully open about this side of me and embracing it.
    I'm coming up 40 next year & would love to have a big bday bash dressed as Jessica - which would pretty much throw it all out there anyway. I know that doing this could open up other issues - friends / employment etc. But I don't feel it should be an issue, as I have no interest in going to work dressed at all. My current workplace I believe wouldn't have an issue with it - which of course they shouldn't! But I do have in the back of my mind what about future employment - which this could affect.

    Has anyone had any experience with this? Am I maybe missing a glaringly obvious pit-fall to doing this?
    Any and All advice appreciated here - don't worry about offending me (you won't) I really am looking for honest opinions/advice here!


  2. #2
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    Dec 2016

    I read quite a few cons here and no pros. You say you really do not worry or care if people find out. Then you mention family and employment concerns, specifically for your wife. Not sure this is good idea in your case.

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  3. #3
    prissy chic ellbee's Avatar
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    Aug 2016
    Thanks for sharing!

    I can only speak for myself, but if I were to personally do something like this?

    I'd post a Halloween pic of me -- all dolled up as a GG who dressed up for Halloween.

    This way, you're breaking the ice without really putting yourself out there, relatively speaking.

    Play it safe, ya know? But still have some fun with it, giving others a chance to warm up to it all. Then play off the reactions.

    Heck, something similar happened years ago with me. A friend innocently put up some group Halloween photos -- and I just happened to be dressed, as above.

    Yep, I was "outed" to others who hadn't yet known. I was fine with it all... Otherwise, I wouldn't have posed for the pics!

    But the bottom line was, it was all very casual & fun.

    Did those others think that wasn't the only time I've ever done that? Probably. But who cares, really.

    Wasn't this huge big production. And nothing really came out of it -- good or bad.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    May 2016
    North Carolina
    I came out to everyone who mattered and then FB! Posted on my timeline and my high school website! No negative nothing! Of course, I was out at work and to family and friends! You must make the decision with your wife's input as well! Do not enter into it lightly! Wishing you the best with your decision! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  5. #5
    Junior Member JustJennifer's Avatar
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    Oct 2021
    I agree with Julie. You've given some pretty strong reasons why you shouldn't do this -- such as your parents, your wife's job, and your future employment options. Once the photos are out there, they're out there forever, even if you have a change of heart and delete your posts.

    It's your life, of course, and you should live it as you see best. If you decide to go public, you shouldn't have to stay friends on social media with people who won't accept Jessica. But you can't force them accept her either.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    Jun 2013
    Myrtle Beach SC
    Years ago, when I turned 50, I decided to just go ahead and post a picture of myself dressed on my Facebook page for my birthday. I actually got very little feedback, my brother, who is an ass anyway, replied "WTF", but other than that 99% of comments were positive. I lost some friends and that is sad, but it's their loss not mine. I got to the point that I just didn't feel like hiding a part of my life that gave me so much pleasure, and if you've seen my posts here, you know I'm a bit of an attention *****. I dress up every week on my days off and go about my business, doing my chores, running errands and going out to bars for karaoke. So I am OUT, my neighbors all know about me, I assume, or they wonder who the attractive woman in the mini skirt is that walks my dog on Mondays and Tuesdays, LOL. I had a nosey co-worker check me out on FB and ask me "what's with the dress?", I just explained that that was me on my days off. He quickly told everyone and I got similar questions from others and told them the same. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of who I am, if they can't handle it, that's their problem not mine. I don't live my life by their standards. I have one FB account and it is mostly pictures of Gerri, I put myself out there. I just recently started a new job, if they researched me prior to hiring me, the issue didn't come up. Besides I'm not doing anything illegal. By what you say, you seem ready to take the plunge and throw caution to the wind. I say go for it, it is very liberating and less stressful. If the wife is in agreement, I encourage it. How exactly will if effect her employment? There are laws against discrimination, ya know, and like I said it's not illegal to crossdress. I go out to eat with my sister while I'm dressed, I hang out with my son while I'm dressed, I've had dinner at my step son's house while I was dressed, grandchildren present and all, I went to my nephew's wedding dressed. And absolutely no problems, the grandchildren asked questions, as kids will do. Anyway if people love and support you then they will love and support you no matter how you present. Don't listen to the Nervous Nellies, go out and enjoy your life on your terms, believe me you will be happier. Just know, you will get questions, just be honest, be confident and OWN IT.
    Good luck on your journey.

    Peace & Love

  7. #7
    Platinum Member
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    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    You should be concerned about those who will share the consequences of your actions. You say "this would take a huge weight off my shoulder," but will it? Or will there be unintended consequences? New burdens to bear? Any and all advice you get from us is worth exactly what you paid for it. Listen to your wife.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member Linda K.'s Avatar
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    Aug 2021
    Northern Illinois
    I personally don't have any social media as I have no need for it. This website is about as close to social media as I really care to use and I share only what I feel confident in sharing here with like minded people. So my opinion might not be the same as others here.

    "I like to share my hobbies etc on social media and I would LOVE to be able to put up the odd photo of Jessica too."
    The question you have to ask yourself is, why? Too what purpose would this serve you and your wife, and if it would cause some potential problems for you, why risk it? If you feel this would cause problems, then don't do it. There is nothing wrong with keeping this to yourself, family, and close friends that don't mind it. It sounds to me like you're still are worried about it and looking for validation from us here to do it. This is a decision that has to be made between you and your wife only as this affects you two the most.

    What does your wife have to say about all this? Is she for this or against it? Like Stephanie said, listen to your wife.

  9. #9
    Senior Member
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    Jan 2007
    Las Vegas Nevada
    I think I made a similar post about me pretty much doing that. I didn't post a picture and I told my extended family before. Then I jist posted in transgender and let things land where they would. Very overwhelming support from many people. It was very freeing to get it out there and stop even pretending to hide any more. I know it is not for everyone but if you feel it is right for you then absolutely go for it.

  10. #10
    Junior Member
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    Mar 2013
    New Zealand
    Wow, thank you for all the replies! I honestly wasn't expecting many to comment.

    On reading your comments, and re-reading my original post - I should probably clarify a bit.
    I'm not really worried about the employment side of things, its pretty open & progressive here in NZ so I really don't see it being an issue. And if someone didn't want to employ me because of this then I do not want to work for them!
    I did post a photo of me in my maids outfit on FB & Insta for halloween last month. First time I'd ever put anything up relating to dressing. Got a few comments at the time, but since I have had quite a few people ask if its something I do regularly - as evidently I did "to good of a job" on it.

    I have talked this through with my wife many times already. Her concerns about her employment stem from past experiences - if they had a male teacher or reliever some parents would not leave their child there. Only ever happened once or twice, but that worry is still valid for her. I agree with some comments here - Employers cannot prejudice & especially over an employees spouse that is just ridiculous. We have an amazing relationship & I would never keep anyhting from her nor would I ever do something that she is against. She understands how much this means to me & has said she will support me whatever i decide to do - but she is also worried that i will get some 'hate' back from it too - which is one of the many things I love about her - how she worrys about me!

    It is a huge decision, and not something I am prepared to take lightly. This has been on my mind for the past 6mths +, I'm not one to jump into something so drastic. But I really do feel this would be a good thing for me. I really do appreciate all the advice - for & against - that is exactly what I was hoping for. More food for thought. Like I said, not something I am going to rush into without much more thought.

    Thank you all - & if anyone else has any advice please share!


  11. #11
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    Sep 2014
    British Columbia
    I think it's a common predicament for many of us. Once we begin to feel comfortable with ourselves then we feel like going all Sound of Music and wanting the world to know (meadow optional). The fog of pinkness is a cruel mistress so just sit on the urge for a while longer and see if it's still a good idea. Years ago, I went through the stage of wanting to tell people who had no need to know and I am now very happy that I did not do it.

  12. #12
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Feb 2005
    SouthEastern Ontario
    As a wife I would say unless your wife agrees then it is a no.
    It involves both of you and until you are both on the same page absolutely not.
    In our case Sher lived as Sher most the time but she kept Sher and Di friends separate from guy side and Di friends.
    She was not ready to be out to her everyone so we did not totally come out.
    Just an FYI
    Lana Maes post above coming out / she lives 24 / 7 as a woman/ you seem to only a few times a month.
    Just a difference but if you feel like you still want to do this….great …but only if your wife is on board as it has to be a joint decision as it will affect both of you.
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  13. #13
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Nearing the end of the trail.
    Its a bad idea. Outing yourself on social media is simply to far reaching and unpredictable. Read back what you wrote and you will see that you really are not interested in being totally out to everyone?despite sometimes suggesting that you might not care what people think. You mentioned certain family members or work place considerations exist as concerns?those are legitimate and could be a bigger problem for your relationship than keeping a secret with a supportive spouse. I would suggest that you and your wife take a trip and indulge yourselves as freely as you choose without pushing the boundaries closer to home.

  14. #14
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    Feb 2014
    It's been said that you "can't unring the bell". This is true. If you post a photo of yourself dressed as a woman on the Internet, you have lost control of it and can neger get it off the Internet.

    A place like this forum is relatively safe because few people other than crossdressers visit this site and if your presentation is relatively good and you don't use your real name, it's highly unlikely that someone who matters to you will recognize you.

    Bottom line is, don't do it. Resist the temptation unless you plan on letting the whole world know that you are a committed crossdresser.

  15. #15
    🌺T🌸R🌼A🌺N🌸S🌼V🌺E🌸S🌼T 🌺I🌸T🌼E🌺 Patience's Avatar
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    Feb 2018
    I am part of everything.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica_NZ View Post
    I don't dress that often, maybe once or twice a month. No inclination to go out in public really, maybe a walk round a park to get some photos or something, maybe out for a drink or a meal - but more to conquer that fear rather than anything else.
    If you think about it, you'll realize there are tons of things you dont do that often which you don't feel anxious (if that's the word I want) about sharing with the world at large. I really believe that wanting to be seen in all one's glory (again, if that's the word I want) is an aspect of being a crossdresser, maybe that's what's nagging at you.

    Folks who make major announcements about this sort of activity are usually on the verge of a major lifestyle change, and that doesn't sound like the boat you're in. Not at the moment anyway.

    Whether you ultimately do it is up to you, but I would advise against acting on impulse. If you do choose to go through with it, choose a specific date (Oct. 11 is National Coming Out Day) or give yourself a time buffer of a week or so before you actually do it so you have a chance to change your mind. It's a lady's prerogative, remember.



    Good luck.
    ...throw off those chains of Reason and your prison disappears...

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member
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    Nov 2021
    Merseyside UK
    I agree with most of the others regarding this.Think of the consequences and listen to your wife?s opinion.

  17. #17
    Junior Member crobeson96's Avatar
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    Dec 2015
    Southeast USA
    I think it's hard to imagine the impact of one's coming out on those who are closest to you and on those who are known friends and known associates. That's a lot of people with a lot of family and friends each, all of whom you're counting on to react rationally and reasonably. If those who mean the most to you already know, I don't see the benefit, compared with the potential for random or significant 'awkwardness'.
    As an alternative, how about a separate email account linked to independent social media pages with nothing but the other you depicted? Just a thought...

  18. #18
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    Nation's Capital
    I have several CD friends who have successfully transitioned from CD to TS in place on the job. But, I have also been "laid off" twice in the past 4 years. I'm convinced that the first layoff was because I was in the "Old White Men" class of people. They went to a lot of trouble to "fire" me do to poor performance, but I knew my stuff and proved that I did know my job. If fact, I knew my job so well that I might have even fooled some decision makers about how well I knew my job. About 2 months after they agreed that I knew my job, they laid me off on a "pretence", basically a defensible excuse that they could lay off an old person "legally".

    I had a long period of unemployment and took some classes to learn how to find a new job. One of the things I learned was that employers can and often do check FB to get "background" on the interview candidate. I would keep my secret secret, except for those with a need to know.

    Also note that FB friends may also tell other friends so you may be outing yourself to a much wider audience than you intend.

    I'm an active member of a local CD social group that meets in public places, but I keep my life compartmentalized.
    Last edited by Sometimes Steffi; 12-03-2021 at 12:55 PM.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  19. #19
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    Hollywood & Vine
    The employment issue can be alot more serious than you think . My late tg fiance thought along the same lines , he was wrong and is what partially led to his spiral down and out of this life . We were in California and he was a VERY well respected vineyard dr/chemist/enologist that holds several patents in the wine industry and when he came out he was let go that day and apparently black listed from every working in that industry again , he tried and tried , then lost his confidence and it was a bad ending to a career he loved . He, in his late 40s could not even get a job at 7-11 ( convenience store ) and was broke the rest of his years and had to live with his mom .

    Another friend now in her early 60s and former member here who lives 24/7 has been out of work or grossly unemployed at least a decade now , is sometimes homeless or lives in motels alot and is just always drinking . I hate to see her struggle and I know she is not so sure anymore that all of this openness was worth it .

    Many here will rightly tell you that discrimination is VERY hard to prove and can cost a ton of money . Don't mess with you or your wifes employment .
    Last edited by Dutchess; 12-03-2021 at 01:21 PM.
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  20. #20
    Member Alexis00's Avatar
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    Jan 2019
    Near Boston, MA, USA
    Had my career disrupted once I was “out” to some people at work. So another vote to go slow.

  21. #21
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    Hi I am from New Zealand originally. Like others have said, if your wife has doubts, then I would not open up. As open and progressive as New Zealand is, it is not a monolith of acceptance. I don't where you live, however I came from a relatively conservative part of the country and things would not have gone well for me if I had been open with my CDing there.
    Just be careful and think through thoroughly.
    Just another man in a dress

  22. #22
    Member Jane P's Avatar
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    Sep 2010
    I have these thoughts often, just today I worked as support staff to the facility to which I am employed. I was the brunt of many jokes, " you should put on a skirt you'll make more tips , " you should put him in a wig he's doing better than your regular staff" things like that ,and it went on and on for the maybe two hours where I helped out.

    Would these people actually accept me this way? I don't really know , I suspect I would be the focus of their jokes forever onwards but at the same time that is who they are and the crude jokes happen anyway regardless of the person working the position I was in today .

    The truth may set you free , but they also say freedom come at a cost.

    Best of luck to you Jessica.
    I don't know why , but I am .

  23. #23
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica_NZ View Post

    I really do feel that doing this would take a huge weight off my shoulders, let me be free to express myself openly.
    Why can't you express yourself freely without posting on social media? If your wife knows, and your friends know, other than your parents, who else do you care about?

    I guess I don't understand why you would feel the need to post of social media. What would you have done if this was before the internet?
    2.Dress up and live your life?

  24. #24
    Member SirDonna's Avatar
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    Feb 2020
    Sac Valley
    I don't get it. Why the need to post on social media? It may be different if you presented as femaile 5+ times a week, but 2 times a month. Come on, what's the upside? Many downsides. Remember social media is often not really a friend!

  25. #25
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    May 2016
    Metro East area near St. Louis, Missouri
    Reading between the lines, at some point you're going to do it, so if it makes you feel better, then doing it sooner rather than later makes a lot of sense to me.

    We're crossdressers. We assume the worst. Then we venture out and find out we were scared of our own shadows.

    You already posted Halloween pictures. You've told friends.

    Again, I'd agree with the others that your spouse should be comfortable with the decision.

    For Halloween, I went out with a GG friend and I let her post a picture of the both of us on FB and Insta. It got 81 likes. I've been at her salon in both boy and girl mode and her five co-workers don't care.

    As to why post on social media? Because we want to. We want to be seen. Otherwise, why go out in public? Why not just stay at home?

    I'm in a transgender group here and several of the members have transitioned. Their experiences have varied.

    I predict you are going to say WTF and do it relatively soon--and then please come back here and tell us how it went. I expect the sky won't fall down on you, and you will be happy you did. To thine own self be true.

    P.S. I met my Aussie wife in Rotorua in 1985, so NZ has fond memories for me.
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