The following is true anecdotal thoughts about me and my life. The contents are intentionally somewhat vague "to protect the innocent" but are true to the best of my decades of recollection. If it should not be posted here, please move it to the appropriate place. If no such place exists in this forum, please delete it.

I am sure that everyone has seen the posts on social media that go something like "Which would you choose, $10 million cash or be 10 years old and know what you know now?"* Well it is these kinds of posts that make me think even more about "What if?"

I am going to discount the idea that by knowing the lottery numbers, Super Bowl winners, etc., you could go back and make the fortune and have both.* For the sake of this rambling, I am not going to let that play into the decision and will assume that by changing anything in the past it would have the butterfly effect causing a completely different timeline making that type of knowledge not guaranteed.* So, here is how I would answer the question (at least today and I believe most of the time with regard to my heart's desires).

First, a bit of background so that you will, hopefully, understand my decision with regard to the question at hand.* Although I am not unhappy with my life and present circumstances, having the opportunity for a "Do over" would present me with a somewhat unique opportunity.** You see, I consider myself* to be a trans-female; but, am continuing to live my life in male mode due to choices I have made and the resulting commitments which I will fully honor.* Like I said, I am mostly happy with my life and I love my family; thus I am content to forego some of my own happiness and will continue on into the foreseeable future without pursuing my desire to transition and become 100%* my feminine self.

So, "Which would I choose, $10 million cash or be 10 years old and know what you know now?"

After weighing the pros and cons as they are relevant to me, I feel like I would choose the "Do-over".* The biggest factor being that other than the buying power of the money, having the money doesn't change my situation much at all.* I would still be where I am today and would still have all of the things that keep me in my current male role and couldn't change that without the big risk of losing what I have and losing/hurting those that I dearly love.

Here is how I see the "do-over" playing out.

I started questioning my assigned-male-at-birth (AMAB) gender well before my teen years.* I don't remember exactly when, but I know it was at least at or before the age of 10.* Growing up in the '70s didn't afford me access to all of the information that is available at our fingertips in today in the age of the internet.* So, I really didn't have a good understanding of myself until I was in college and beyond.* Even then, being transgender was not a well known or accepted thing and those of us who were AMAB were pressed and groomed into masculine roles (especially in the rural areas where I grew up).* And because of this pressure and my lack of understanding my true self, I attempted to bury these things and live "the way boys are supposed to be."* I really wasn't successful at completely suppressing my feminine side.*

As is common with boys with older sisters, my sisters "dressed me up" in girls clothes which further ignited my gender disphoria and started me on life-long love of expressing my female image through crossdressing.* I would admire and be gealous my older sisters with the way they were able to dress and continually wish that I could be their little sister.* I often would secretly borrow their clothes and spend a few moments as a girl as often as I dared.* This usually occurred at night when I could be alone in my room or other times when I had privacy around the house.
When I got to about 11 or 12 years old, I even began to underdress on occasion (even to school).* This brings me, for purposes of this rambling, to my moment of truth and the initial do-over.*

I am estimating that this moment came at about 12 years old.* One night. When everyone was in bed and asleep, I had dressed in a one-piece swimsuit that I had borrowed from my sister.* As was my usual practice, I was fully tucked and had the cups padded to an appropriate adolescent size.* I had quietly gone into another room in the house and was headed back to my room when to my surprise I was discovered by my adopted mother.* Yes, I did not live with my bjirth mother as my parents divorced when I was very young (this becomes more relevant as I go on with this story). She sat me down in the living room on the sofa to have a chat with me still in my fem attire.* Long story short, she (with her usual scowl on her face) ended up asking me what I was doing and if I was gay.* Of course me knowing what answer was acceptable and fearing her reaction at the truth, my answer was of course I wasn't gay and I was just fooling around.* She sent me to my room to change and then was back to bed.* No follow on discussions were ever had and I continued my closeted behavior throughout school and college.* Looking back, I am pretty sure that it was a more of a "don't ask - don't tell" thing but in any way it was never further discussed.* Once I moved out on my own my feminine expression continued and grew to include occasional forays out into the world; but I was always closeted and afraid that if discovered that I would be an outcast to society because boys were supposed to grow up to be men.

Had I had the knowledge that I have now, I would ha e known that this would be with me for life.* So, my do-over would be to have come clean to my parents and family.* With the knowledge, I feel like we all could have been educated and I could have been accepted as my true feminine persona and would have been able to transition at a pre-puberty age to grow up as a young lady and experience all of the wonderful things that I have unfortunately missed.* In this fantasy timeline, I could have been a girl through high school.* I could have experienced homecomings, proms, and all the things that go along with feminine teenage years.* I could have attended college as a young lady and pursued my career as a such.* I dream that I would have had just as wonderful life as I have had in my male role but without the masquerade of not being truly myself.

Now had my adopted parents not fully accepted me, I did still have a long-distance relationship with my birth mother.* I have LGBT cousins on my birth mother's side of the family; so I am confident that my feminine side would have been accepted there.* I had actually gone to visit her and family after high school graduation.* Had I known what I know now, I could have stayed there and begun my transition at that time and through college; but, again, i was deeply closeted and fearful of rejection.

I will not go any further with this daydream of how things could have been; but if it really were possible to make the choice, I would certainly be willing to take that chance.