Not sure

[Maria 60]

My brother came by last night unannounced, I didn't have the best relationship when we were younger mostly because he was never around. I don't know what age everyone is here or if anyone remembers when they would fix up vans with couches, beds and blush velvet interior. He had one and would be gone weekends and some times months at a time.
He was making small talk and I stopped him and told him to cut the BS and tell me the real reason he came by, did he have an argument with his wife or does he need a place to sleep. He asked me if I had Instagram and I told him I did but I only followed my children, he pulled his phone out and handed to me with his sons page and asked me to flick threw. I haven't seen my nephew in a few months and in the pics he bleached his hair white and he was hanging out with friends wearing lipstick and him pics with transvestites and he's was advertising for tran gender clubs. I asked my brother what I was looking at and why he was showing me this. He told me he can't handle what he's seeing and if his son is taking this root he will have to kick him out of the house and will disown him and take him out of the will. Again I ask him what it is that he wants from me, he told me he want me to talk to him and straighten him out. He tells me I'm the cool uncle, the guitar player, fast car, earrings and long hair that they all look up to me and I could relate with them. I told him the only reason I could relate is because I'm not stuck in the 70s, things have changed and I have changed with the times and have a open mind. He asked me how I would have felt if that was my son, I told him that my son was 19 years old and never went out and never talked about girls. I didn't know where his mind was but whatever it was I was going to stand next to him and support him, not abandon him and one day he shows up with a girlfriend.
My brother gets up and asks me again if I could talk to his son and convince him to get some help and that he cannot deal with this and will never except it. I explained to him the obvious, his son wasn't wearing lipstick and I guess his son doesn't care because he knows that his dad follows him on Instagram, so I guess besides assumption and he really wasn't doing anything wrong in the pics. He said he doesn't like the situation and his friends and wants me to talk to him and take him out of that environment. He asked me again and with a begging please to help him, I answer him with ill think about it and he left what I would believe a little upset .When he left my wife started laughing telling me it must be genetic and told me she follows him on Instagram and Facebook and he is into some different things and asked me what I was going to do. I don't know, anybody here have any input, was I a little harsh on my bro. I don't want to ruin either relationship. Who knows maybe it is genetic.

[char GG]

You didn't say if your brother knows about Maria. From his talk to you, I'm thinking not. You also didn't say how old your nephew is.

Therefore, I think you should stay out of it. You already know that no one can change someone else's mind about gender or crossdressing. Unless the nephew does what the dad wants, nothing good could possibly result in this as far as your brother is concerned. It sounds like a "no win" situation.

Just my opinion, of course; he and his wife need to take care of their own business if that's how they feel.

[Kris Burton]

Maria - you are certainly finding yourself in so may hot-button situations and controversies! On this one, I see two things - it's your brother that needs the talk session, especially in relation to accepting his son - it's his responsibility and it is so disturbing to find the number of parents who have rejected their own children over matters like this, I hope he will not be one in the end - perhaps that is a place you can step in. It's also an opportunity for you to come out to your brother, if that's important to you - how could you advise him not to CD when you do it yourself? Maybe both things can be accomplished here.

[Maria 60]

No I don't think he knows, I never told him and my nephew is 19 years old.

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Kris I don't like your scenario, one family member partially knows and it's been nothing but grief and I have to try to respect my wife wishes of keeping it simple and not rock the boat in the family. I also believe this is something him and his wife should take care of but I don't believe he is going to be very rational about this. Thanks for the feedback suggestions will help.

[JulieC]

I think I'd talk to the nephew, but not in the way your brother wants. Something like "Your dad wanted me to talk to you to try to convince you out of what you're doing. I'm not going to do that. I think if you want to maintain any semblance of a relationship with your father, you'd better be a lot more careful in what information you put in front of your father."

I had a friend in high school who was gay. His parents were clueless about it until a crisis moment. They kicked their son out literally that moment, and disowned him utterly. The impact on my friend was massive, and it took years to recover. I'd advise my nephew about ways to avoid that happening.

[TheHiddenMe]

Of course you talk to your nephew, not to "straighten him out", but to hear him out and tell him that if his dad kicks him out you will take him in.

When you were his age, wouldn't you have liked to know that you had an ally in your family?

You don't have to tell him you dress, you are just being the enlightened adult while your brother is stuck in the Stone Ages.

Talk to the nephew. If you don’t, you'll regret it.

[Di]

I think you also should stay out of it .
EXCEPT
Tell your brother he needs to support and love his son unconditionally. Nothing else is acceptable.
He talks like his son Is a stranger on the street. How sad .

[Pumped]

I would talk to the son and see where his mind is at. Tell him his dad saw some things on IG that concerned him. Let him know you are safe and will not blab to dad. It might not be anything.

[Heather76]

My opinion is probably worth what you're paying for it. Regardless, here goes. I would suggest you decline the invitation to do your brother's job of being a parent. If your brother has an issue with something his son is doing, it is up to him to address it with his son. That said, you may want to suggest to your brother that you didn't see anything in the pictures that his son is doing that's wrong. Explain his son is old enough to make his own decisions and if he's not doing anything illegal, dad should be grateful for that. He needs to calm down and have an adult (not father/son) discussion about what is going on in his son's life. Stress that should he cut off contact with his son, threaten his son, or otherwise place hard boundaries between him and his son, there will come the day he will rue that decision.

[nvlady]

You say if you had a son who did that you would support him, but you seem to turn your back on another family member (your brother). I think you should have agreed to talk to your nephew after telling your brother it's not going to do any good.

[Aka_Donna]

Is your brother even aware of natural maturity of males in our society? It's later than females.

-- rebellion starts between 17 and 23
-- rejection rears it's head about 24, 25
-- new identity starts coming about 26-28
-- adulthood starts about 30.
-- if lucky, slowly start to reach back to father about 33+.
-- finally about age 65+, when they realize dad is in final stages, then they will reach out fully. To expect that earlier is not realistic.

Your brother is in dire need of a role model. Treat him special. Yes, you will talk to son, but NOT to argue any viewpoint but to see if there is a message he would like you to courier to your brother. He asked you to talk to son. That is a no-brainer and MUST be done, but on your terms.
You are neither good cop or bad cop, just a loving concerned relative. Make sure bro knows about the normal male stages of life. Coming in like a dictator will never work without out breaking the person he is growing into being.

To nephew, just explain your brother asked you to have a word. You are there to listen, not give guidance, but are willing to carry any message back to father. Explain your bro's gut reaction, and feel free to share your feelings about that world view and offer an ear if he wants it.

There, that's it. That is what is needed to be a real authentic brother. 1. respond to brothers request and modifying an unreasonable request into an opportunity for support, and 2. offering to be an ear to nephew so he does not freak out and disown family.

Some people have real problems with family today, but your posts show you are skilled and this will be easier for you than most.

Let us know how it goes down the road.

[Rachelakld]

I'm really crap at advice (luckily I have a wife and kids who are smarter at this stuff)
but here's my input.
Arrange a meet up with your nephew and let your brother know.
Maybe do something fun - 10 pin bowling etc where you can have fun and time for a chat, have a listen to his story.
Afterwards advise brother that regardless of his predjudices, he has a great and caring son (Well I hope he does) that will live his own life and not the life other people want him to live. Also tell brother that he will reap the relationship that he sows, ie being stupid or angry now, will come back and bite him 10 times worse.

My teen had a negative encounter with the police, I gladly got involved in her punishment and as a conciquence, all my kids know I have their back and I will never turn away from them (like Hans Solo at the end)

[Maria 60]

Thank you all for the great advice and feedback, even after a nights sleep I stil haven't decided what to do. It feels like I'm getting upset with my bro for putting in this situation for something I believe he should be dealing with. BUT it seems like his only talk will be aggressive and its not going to end well. My wife suggested she going to keep a closer look at his activities on social media during this weekend and take it from there. I appreciate the help I am very confused and just want to go at it at the right angle

[Kerry Michaels]

I?ve never told family or friends but when the question of gender identity comes up, I always defend all expression. You don?t have to say you wear make up yourself but you definitely should say there?s nothing wrong with it.
It seems to me, by saying your nephew did nothing wrong, you are implying the ones in lipstick were, and that was probably to avoid implicating yourself. Yiu probably could have pushed back more.

I could be wrong but what do you think.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Maria

You need to tell your brother he should be supporting his son. That's what parents do.

Years ago your brother made choices not to be around as he was finding his way in life. His son is just doing the same thing.
His son has to make his own life choices and he should be supporting him as much as he can.

Your brother needs to remember its not his life

[Sabine Janus]

"He said he doesn't like the situation and his friends"

From the sound of it, the nephew is an adult(>21), once the guy gets over 18, your brother's opinion really doesn't matter.

Ask him if he knows any tran people. Maybe talking to a few might change his mind.

[Stephanie47]

I had a friend (now deceased) whose grandson (who lived together) came out as a transgender girl in high school. The grandson was driven out of high school. My friend was initially disgusted by the revelation. In the end it became a situation where he could not understand the "why" but defended his grandson to make those choices. He went to bat for the grandson against the school administration for allowing the "jocks" to terrorize his grandson. I guess, what I am saying, is the person who needs to be educated is your brother. To be educated, no so much about what the son is doing, but, he should have unconditional love for his son.

I would think your brother and your nephew have had some conversations, even if they were non-verbal. Looks can kill, as it is said. If you do have a conversation with your nephew I would tell him his father is upset. I would suggest the nephew make his account private. My granddaughter had literally over 500 followers on her account. I asked my son how many friends does she actually have? Given the information on her account/pictures it would be easy for a pervert to find her. I suggested he have a discussion with her and make the account private which did happen.

[Sandi Beech]

It seems to me this is really not your issue to deal with; however, if it were me I would advise the brother not to make some knee jerk reaction that he will later regret.

Perhaps he will never be able to deal with it, and maybe what he will need is something of a DADT relationship with his son. Like I said, I do not think you should get involved with those terms, but maybe your bro could use some enlightenment on how others handle it - without spilling the beans about how you know so much. Of course if he gets directed to this web site?might not be good to read about it here so I would hold back on that advice.

Sandi

[Aunt Kelly]

Hi Maria

You need to tell your brother he should be supporting his son. That's what parents do.

Years ago your brother made choices not to be around as he was finding his way in life. His son is just doing the same thing.
His son has to make his own life choices and he should be supporting him as much as he can.

Your brother needs to remember its not his life

This. SO this.
As hard as it will be, the most loving thing you can do for all involved is to try to get your brother to understand that his view of his son's identity is not OK. I'd ask, point blank, what he's afraid of when it comes to his son's gender expression.

[dmartin6671]

You can surely get with the nephew and ask what is going on in his life. But for you to be asked to straighten him out is way out of the question. A Father is not a father if his first instinct is too write him off of his will and disown him..there is no rationality in this type of behaviour, o love?or just an excuse to get rid of extra baggage..young men need to find their way in life?we dont own our kids after 18 yrs of age?everything is a mystery too them..( Cool Uncle) we can instruct on how to take precautions..but never run their life.

[TAG]

Wow thats a major predicament.
I think you handled it well as far as your brother goes.
Kind of agree with Di on this one.

[kimdl93]

You can honor your relationship with your brother by having a polite and non-intrusive conversation with your nephew. The safest path would be to simply acknowledge his fathers apprehensions without validating them. And the path with your brother can be simple as saying I will visit with your son. And then gently suggest that even our kids have the right to make thier own choices, even to do things we might disagree with, and of course to make a few mistakes along the way. But the ultimate responsibility of a parent is to offer unqualified love.

[ellbee]

Yeah, I would defer to the GG's on this one -- including your wife.

[alwayshave]

I would relay your brother's message, but also tell your nephew that you support him.

[Maria 60]

I'm beginning to think I'm going to take a root of talking to my nephew not telling him I talked to his dad but more like I seen him on my wife's Instagram and see what he has to say. Most of all tell him that I'm there for him and that my door is always open for him. Then talk to my brother and try to make him understand there's a year after 1970 and try to explain that his biggest goal in life is to see his kids off with happiness of what they want not what he wants.
Today my brother send me a message, it said if I remembered when mom would complain that we never visit her and dad would tell her everything must be ok with them because trust him when our kids have problems they always come home with them.
He said he can't put this on our parents there to old so I'm the closest thing to bringing it home.
I didn't reply to his message yet because I never thought he was this way and thought he had more family values and not sure if he was just upset or confused when he made those accusations of throwing one of his kids on the street.
I believe I'm going to start off like this.