The 3 Most Often Asked Questions by SOs

[Bianca Fay]

Most of us who have divulged our secret to an SO (or been caught in the act) have been asked the following:

Are you gay?
Do you want to be a woman?
Are you going to transition?

With all due respect to our GG, gay and/or trans members, these questions (although understandable in the beginning of a reveal) can be very disheartening to many straight CDers when the same questions are repeated over and over from the same SO.

Having said that, I fully appreciate the impact and confusion that crossdressing brings into a relationship...

Are you gay?
CD: No. Clothing doesn't affect sexual orientation
SO: Straight men don't wear women's clothing. The clothes you wear are feminine and often revealing. You know I don't like it. Who are you wearing it for?

Do you want to be a woman?
CD: No. I'm happy being a man. It's just clothing
SO: Then why do you have breast forms, butt/hip padding, false lashes/nails, wigs, makeup and shapewear?

Are you going to transition?
CD: No. This is all there is to it
SO: It started with panties. Then more lingerie. Then dresses, heels, wigs, and makeup. Then you wanted to start going out while dressed. It doesn't seem like there's an end. How does it end?

The above interactions are merely my own thoughts and speculations based on the posts I have read on this site. In my own personal experience, my dressing was limited to pantyhose; in my case the above SO responses never actually happened; however, I was still constantly asked these 3 questions with great frequency by my ex-wife. I'm a man who wears pantyhose, therefore I must be gay, want to be a woman, or want to eventually transition. No amount of reassurance on my part would ever provide my ex-wife with any lasting comfort or belief.

It's a safe bet that regardless of the extent of CDing (one specific item of women's clothing, underdressing in lingerie, or dressing fully en femme), our SOs will continue to ask these 3 questions occasionally or frequently. Of course there will be exceptions to any rule, but it appears that the 3 questions will likely be asked time and time again.

[Geena75]

What I think you are picking up on is the spouse's response to the progression that often happens. First it's just panties and hose, then skirts, then dresses, bras, and padding, not to mention shaving, make up, wigs, going out, etc. You asked the underlying question, "Where does it end?"

What would the response be if we made a real and honest assessment of our goals, shared that, and limited ourselves to that?

[LilSissyStevie]

I think these might be the most common questions CDs ask themselves. At least it was true for me in the early days to the point of developing homosexual OCD/ Transgender OCD. It nearly drove me mad until I threw my hands up and said "let the chips fall where they may" so to speak. It turns out that it's just a dumb fetish. Move along, nothing to see here. My wife just thinks I'm "interesting."

[Karren H]

If I remember correctly, she only asked if I were gay. The answer was no. But then again there was a lot of crying and carrying on at the time of discovery, she was pretty upset too!

But there were never any discussions beyond that. Other than the odd comment about me being a pervert. Lol. If you got it, flaunt it!

[Bianca Fay]

Karren, you are so awesome! Your responses always make me laugh!!

[Sandi Beech]

The main question I got was this: When are you going to stop?

Of course I also got your question: Who are you doing this for?. After a few decades, she quit asking that as it became clear I was not involved with anyone else.

Sandi

[alwayshave]

Cecily, at this point my wife knows I'm not gay, I don't want to be a woman and I'm not going to transition.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I got all three questions, and they keep coming back repetitively.

I think it's TV, or whatever you call you favorite visual media. How often have you ever seen a male bodied person not be able to answer at least one of those questions with a, "Yes". Media doesn't do a good job of portraying the complexities of being "gender variant".

I also got two other questions

1. Why didn't you tell me before we got married.
a. I didn't understand it myself.
b. I thought I was cured.
c. I thought marriage would cure me.

2. I'm not sure if I would have married you if I had known [that you CD].
a. You wouldn't have married me because I don't always wear society's view of appropriate clothes.
b. I don't think I know you as well as I thought I did
c. I'm not sure if I would have married you if I had known [how closed-minded you were].

[Nylon Wendy]

When my wife found out I was CDing, she didn't seem too bothered by it, she saw a pair of heels that I forgot to hide and we spent an hour discussing my need for dressing, where I explained that I liked the look and feel of wearing nylons and heels and only ever did it in private. Her only question was do you want to go out dressed as a woman and (at the time) I truthfully answered no. That was years ago and since then my female wardrobe has grown extensively and we both dress up for bedroom fun on a regular basis wearing nylons, underwear, false fingernails and heels. She even suggested that I shaved my legs, as she didn't like the look of hair under stockings, this led to shaving my chest, privates and trimming my underarm hair as well. We have a monthly nail bar where we spend an hour or more giving each other a pedicure and painting toenails, while enjoying a glass of fizz and chatting about our hobbies. I invariably have mine painted red or pink, sometimes with glitter.

Looking back, getting caught was the best thing that could have happened to me, although at the time I felt sick, thought our marriage was over and was preparing myself for the barrage of are you gay? type questions that this thread is discussing. But it never happened. If anything, it has made our relationship stronger as we are more passionate in the bedroom and she gets lots and lots of hugs and lovely text messages off me every day.

Strange how women are so different.

[Kris Burton]

I told my wife of my dressing at first, and she added the question "How long have you been doing this?". She also wondered if it played a role in the ending of my first marriage (it didn't, I was not even dressing at that time.) We were OK. She "caught" me several weeks later, fully dressed, when she got home early from shopping. That really opened the doors to communication of a positive sort, and I'd say we are in good shape now. Just a few days ago, i expressed my interest in going out into the community as Kris...

The main question I got was this: When are you going to stop?

She was primarily worried about my safety when stepping out en femme, and I understand that. I will not press her on this issue, but I do hope in time she warms to the idea. But I didn't have a good answer to her question.

[Paulie Birmingham]

I second "being caught was the best thing that can happen for our relationship "

I was caught during the height of bruce Jenner's transformation ans i got those three questions. Years forward she is having fun with me being mildly dressed. No wigs, forms, pads makeup. Still doesn't get the bras though.

And i also agree with Steve's comments. Unquestioned it all myself and came to the conclusion its just a fetish. Enjoy and party on.

[Teri Ray]

I also have been through these questions with my wife. I do agree that I believe that these questions or some form of these questions are most commonly asked when a spouse learns of their husband being a crossdresser.

I guess these questions are the basis of the "big talk" that many of us have experienced.

[Mermaiden]

Had all those questions asked of me too. Some of the challenge was I didn?t know why I was a CDer (still don?t, but realize the reason doesn?t matter), and what is my future of CDing? I can guess the future by projecting from where I am today, but honestly I don?t know where I?ll be in ten years.

[JocelynJames]

I?m not sure my SO ever asked if I was gay, but probably the other two. She did ask who I was dressing for. That answer was for her , but also, a little selfishly , me.

[Debbie Denier]

Cecilly, I agree. The 3 generic stereotypical questions appear to be the same in most cases . Like you it started with PH/ tights but developed further. However limited opportunities in last 10 years DADT. doesn?t want to know. I was forced to purge or the marriage was over. Whenever there is an opportunity now involves buying clothes then disposing of them. Not ideal but is better than marriage over. When I started this journey and felt the guilt and shame was advised by another CD that it should be regarded as good fun. The consequences of a relationship, marriage and kids changes things . I have had to adapt.

[NancySue]

I worked up the courage and told my wife when we got engaged. I tried to anticipate the questions she might ask, which included the three mentioned. I assured her my answers to all three were a definite ?No?. We had many more discussions and did a lot of reading. I/we still don?t understand the ?why?s?, but we know it?s here.

[Jodi Yardley]

After the wife found out my interests...her response was "I married a man, not a women"

[Debutante611]

My SO asked the gay thing,to which I responded "lets go in the bedroom and find out"

[Ricky Rayne]

Mine asked if it was just panties and bras or dresses and heels. Her second question was if i wanted to transition. She said "You only get one life, be happy and live it to the fullest" Then she started putting panties and dresses in my dresser and closet and is still by my side. I am very lucky!

[Stephanie47]

After the wife found out my interests...her response was "I married a man, not a women"

During "The Talk" my wife said exactly that; "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman." She also said, "Why would a man wear a bra when he has nothing to pack into it?" She also said, if she had known she would not have married me. Then she threw in an added twist. She said if I wanted a divorce she would tell everyone I wore women's clothing. Later, she back tracked and said she would not do that even if we divorced. She is determined to break the cycle of divorces her mother and grandmother went through. Her grandmother was married five times. We entered the world of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the early 1980's. She has not said boo about my cross dressing. Once in a while she would find an article of clothing I failed to secure (bra, panty) and will tell me she placed it out of sight.

We did go through the "Why" question. I blurted out something about connecting to my feminine side. With hindsight that seems almost funny because this all predated this forum or the internet where I frequently read that statement or excuse/reason. She told me "Tell me about connecting to your feminine side when you have a baby!" As I have stated many times on this forum I told her "I do not know why I do what I do."

There is a downside to her not saying a word since the early 1980's. Yes, it would be nice to have a wife who was supportive and engaged with my cross dressing, but, there is also nobody to rein me in. Buying unnecessary amounts of women's attire is nothing but retail therapy. There is in excess of 24 Xerox boxes of clothes stacked up in plain sight in our converted garage. Do I need 162 dresses? Or over 400 slips? I have been collecting the various colors and prints of my favorite panties; hundreds. Lately, since I am able to sleep alone due to medical issues of both of us, I wear nylon gowns. My collection of nylon gowns has just exceeded 28.

So, has there been an adverse effect on our marriage? Not really. Debt free. Assets and income galore. I've paid for our son's and daughter's college education; my wife's five years of education; and, fully funded our grandchildren's education. The issues that hold my wife back from having fulfilled herself are issues from before I even met her. They have zero to do with my cross dressing. She could have benefited from therapy; however refused to do so. The only positive statement that came out of her mouth when we had "The Talk" was her statement that it would be "two-faced" to dump me because of her undisclosed issues. I still only know the tip of the ice berg.

She never asked those three questions; probably out of youthful ignorance of the 1970's or she knew from actions I was only into her.

[MarinaTwelve200]

I think the Gay question arises so often is that is the FIRST answer we get as KIDS when we ask "what does Gay Mean?"--- "Oh that's a man who thinks he's a woman". Is the general reply--as we do not want to confuse kids with information about sexuality they are not ready for yet. Later the kids learn that it means, simply ATTRACTED to the same sex, but many grow up to adulthood STILL influenced by the KIDS definition, so they associate dressing as a woman with being gay or transsexual. This confuses those people when they encounter "cross-dressing" and they cannot understand the concept of a straight male, who does not identify as a woman as being a "cross-dresser". Indeed! many of us cross dressers cannot understand it either. And think of the misery and confusion of an otherwise straight and male oriented boy who IS a crossdresser and FEARS he may be somehow "Gay" because of it. Fortunately, in my case I was not adverse to looking up such things as "homosexuality", etc. in Textbooks and encyclopedias when I was a kid and got the true definitions---not relying on equally ignorant peers as most kids do. I can imagine how this gay and transsexual stuff confused and misinformed kids years ago and how many adults still are influenced by well-meaning but inaccurate information from their younger days. We must not assume all adults, both men and women, know the differences between Gays, transsexuals and crossdressers--or even what they actually are,------- I think a history of misinformation and no urge to correct it, is the primary reason that Gay, trans and even CD people are not treated with acceptance in our society. If anybody asks ME a question I will make sure they know what they are talking about... Perhaps ask for Their own definitions and then correct them. And then we can have a good conversation with everyone on "the same page" so to speak.

[jacypods]

As a supportive GG of crossdresser, I never really thought of question 1. Maybe growing up very liberal and open, I feel like there is more flexibility on the continuum of gender/sexuality, so there isn't really a stigma in my mind, and he had never seemed attracted to men. I will admit to asking the other questions more than once, and often not being satisfied with the answer. And it's not because of him, but because of me and my insecurities in my own attractiveness/desirability as a woman. I think if you really get down to it, a lot of wives equate their partner's desire to crossdress with some inadequacy in themselves, i.e. -- why am I not enough for you? Even when wives lash out, I think it often comes from a place of insecurity. And we may feel left out or left behind sometimes, despite your best efforts to show us that's not that case. Most heterosexual women really want to be desired and thought attractive by the man in their life, so when men begin to concentrate on their outward feminity it makes use feel uncertain of the dynamic.

Speaking solely for myself -- that's the thought that always gives me pause...why am I not enough? And it's totally not fair or what he's putting out there, but knowing that intellectually is often different than feeling it emotionally. And I'm so sorry that y'all have to keep answering the same questions over and over again. I know it must be frustrating.

[NjJamie]

Jacy, thank you so much for your input and point of view, it seems that no matter how much we try to be as "womanly", we are clearly missing something when it comes to the discussion or conversation.

I'll also recognize that it's probably as in her DNA as the CDing seems to be in ours. It appears that a certain percentage of the population finds CDing or TG or whatever part of the spectrum their activities are found in, it is something that they "have" to do and while there are many who can control it there are also many who cannot. When we hear of an SO who is accepting and supportive we remember that they seem to be the small minority. To the Nature vs Nurture argument I'll answer "yes", the questions all get answered by individuals, with individual experiences, goals and levels of acceptance.

Any possible hints or advice as to what the average CD (as if there was such a thing!) might do to build the acceptance and sharing that so many of us desire? I'm considering suggesting a bit of a bargain; asking for some time alone as well as possible participation in return for whatever she wants, even if that includes antiquing or craft shows or even a night at a Kathy Griffin show (another joke, "Hall Pass" reference), reasonable ask?

Thanks, looking forward to your point of view on this!

Jamie

[Christie ann]

Yup, I got all three questions in the same order.

I told her very early on, over 40 years ago, and when she asked why, I kept saying I don’t know, I just have to. But in the 1970’s, no one knew anything about trans gender issues, so I imagined marriage would cure me….Nope. Still here. She expects that I should be able to grit my teeth and power through. Nothing seems to persuade her otherwise. So, back in the closet.
I realize that she didn’t sign up for this, so I try to stay low key about it, but it gets harder every year.

[Dutchess]

The gay issue I would never believe anymore. No matter how much any cd'er would say no, most ( not all but most ) are at least bi sexual . I see it here in the forums all the time - "Should I let him kiss me","he touched my legs and I loved it" , "we made out and had to get a room" , "I slow danced and made out with XXXX in front of my wife !" You know.... and that's just what I see written here. I dont care what anyone sexuality is but to protest so much about ( or claiming a wife hasn't done her research etc etc ) being totally straight isnt the 100% truth either .

In my own life I asked my ex husband the same thing because he was just FLAMING when he would dress and he insisted over and over he was not, but in the end that WAS a lie ,, he advertised himself to men in every conceivable place possible from FB to Flickr to CL he is there and I know some from here do too. So after both these things Id never believe that "most' cd'ers are totally straight .

I see a quite a few transition from just dressing here too or sometimes have a terrible fit if they think they cant .