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Thread: Was it hard for you to admit it to yourself?

  1. #1
    I NEVER go bare-legged! Kimberly A.'s Avatar
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    Was it hard for you to admit it to yourself?

    Hey y'all! I'm sure we can all remember when we first started crossdressing. I have posted before that the first time I ever went full-on CD, was quite a few years ago, back in 2004 or 2005, when I was in the Air Force and stationed in WA state. I didn't get a chance to do it again until years and years later..... Anyway, once I was finally able to fully embrace my feminine side and go out en femme, it took me a while to finally admit to myself, "Oh, my GOSH I'm a crossdresser!" LOL It's like, I couldn't believe that I have such a strong feminine side, especially being raised the way I was raised, with being told that "Boys don't wear girls' clothes". Also, after I was all dolled up, looked in the mirror and saw Kimberly and saw her in the photos, it took me a long time to stop thinking, "WOW! Is that really me? Am I really doing this?" LOL

    So yeah, it took me I'd say quite a few months to really admit to myself that this is me, this is who and what I am, I'm a crossdresser and it was hard for me to finally admit it to myself, but now I LOVE it! I don't struggle with it, or with any sort of gender identity. Only when I'm out dressed as Kimberly, do I want to identify as female and be addressed with the female pronouns, but other than that, I'm plain old, drab me. LOL

    So was it hard for any of you to finally admit it to yourself?
    Last edited by Kimberly A.; 12-13-2021 at 04:18 PM.
    My YouTube channel: Kimberly A.

  2. #2
    Member VivianNewkirk's Avatar
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    I just commented over on the "when did you start" thread that I'm a late bloomer, being over 55 before I began crossdressing. I was somewhat surprised that I took to it so quickly and naturally. Not hard to accept, but rather "why didn't I ever try this sooner".

  3. #3
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Absolutely Kimberly! I had no crossdressing experiences as a child or even a teenager, and had just a few instances of crossdressing in my later years. I was in denial for most of my life that I even had a propensity to crossdress, even as I had an interest - I just buried it deep within. It was not until this past summer that I gave in at last, to my pleasure and psychological well being. I don't look back in regret, but rather forward with anticipation . It's a very good place to be!

  4. #4
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    Kimberly, I don't know how to answer the question but I'm certain I am!

    I remember the first time I chose to put on some female clothing, a pair of pantyhose and black go-go boots, at about 13. From there it was a quick movement through stages but had gotten to full makeup and wig by the end of high school. Periods of off and on, getting caught by my mom and then joining the USAF (she was very upset, "what if they find out about your problem"). Once at my permanent station I did enjoy the freedom of having time and resources as well as a mailing address safe from others eyes. I was also newly married and there was some awesome participation, trips to malls, etc. As we had kids the participation fell off and is now a variety of DADT.

    I typed all the above as at no time did I ever question it, but rather just accepted it as a part of who I am. Reading the other responses leads me to believe that they also had "it" in them and when it came to the surface it was eventually understood as a part of the person, one that doesn't seem to be something they can eliminate but hopefully controlled and enjoyed.

  5. #5
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    Crossdressing really hit me when I was 46. My wife and daughter were out of town for a few days, and I indulged the "perverted little thing" that has nibbled at me from time to time since puberty while they were gone. What I believe is called "the pink fog" came on strong, and it was so I wanted to do. A short time later, I want to see the therapist/rabbi who had married us and helped us through some early bumps in the marriage -- but I was so ashamed of myself that I could barely get the words "I'm a crossdresser" out on the phone. I felt he would be understanding because he is gay himself, or I don't know if I'd have had the courage to admit it even to him. I came out to my wife that evening. Mercifully, she kept me. Even after I started regular therapy sessions, it was still about a year before I could accept that being a crossdresser doesn't make me a bad person and doesn't negate the many good things I've done in life. I have been a decent father and husband, and that's all that really matters to me.

  6. #6
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    After all this time (and it has been a very, very long time) I still struggle?

  7. #7
    Senior Member Jenn A116's Avatar
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    For me, I always understood I was a crossdresser. Perhaps a better question would be when did you finally learn to accept yourself? In that case, I really can't identify a specific date/year. I just gradually over time realized that yes, that's what I am and I'm OK with it.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member Joanne108's Avatar
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    No the minute I learned the word 'cross dresser" I knew that I was a cross dresser.

  9. #9
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    For me, I had been crossdressing for many years, but it was in preparation for when god got around to making me into the girl I thought I was supposed to be. As I got into my early 20's, and sort of realized that was never going to happen, I tapered off until I stopped completely, understanding that I had to accept that it just was never going to happen, and I had better get used to being a man. So even though it didn't feel normal to me, I learned how to 'act' like a standard issue man. Worked well, it seemed no one had a clue that I wasn't. But it was all an act. Still, I felt that I managed okay. I started dating, and of course always kept up the act, so hopefully no one could ever tell. And it seemed the desire to wear girl's clothing had gone away.
    Gone for 10 years. I got married; for the first three years, everything was fine. And then I lost my job. Had to take a lower, entry level job again, which only paid 1/3 of what I was previously making, while I went back to school to finish my degree. The stress of working, going to school, and trying to 'act' the part, was too much, and apparently the whole gender thing and crossdressing to placate it, came back with a vengeance. I started crossdressing again. Afraid to tell because I sort of knew my wife would be upset, I vowed to be the best husband I could be, hoping that she would tolerate what I knew was going to be a big disappointment to her. I went over it in my mind hundreds of times, always feeling that all the good about me would definitely outweigh the crossdressing thing.
    NOPE.
    Didn't work out that way. With her really not liking it, that additional stress just seemingly made the desire to dress even stronger, and that was when I had to face the fact that was what I was: A crossdresser. Didn't matter why, or how often, or that I hadn't done it in years; apparently, the desire never went away, it was just in sort of hibernation in the back of my mind. It wasn't exactly hard to admit; but it was a disappointment to me, too, because I had thought that either it was just a phase I went through when I was young, or I had outgrown it, or just 'beaten' it. But no, I was definitely a crossdresser. It was then, that I had to come to grips with the idea that my life would never be normal ever again. Over time, as I placed more and more ads online to see 'who was out there' in the dating world, and where to find a woman who was okay with it, and getting no responses, it gradually became clear that having a crossdressing SO just simply wasn't something many women were interested in.

    Quote Originally Posted by jenna116 View Post
    Perhaps a better question would be when did you finally learn to accept yourself? .
    It was then, that I sort of gave up. I accepted myself for who and what I am, I understood that I wasn't doing anything that harmed anyone, just something that was definitely going to interfere with ever getting married again; it sure looked like I was going to be alone forever.
    But I couldn't stand that. It wasn't fair. I didn't do anything wrong. This was something that happened because of something someone ELSE did to me. It wasn't my fault.
    That's when I accepted that I would have to do things that would very likely upset others; in particular, the women who I would date. For I refused to have to be alone for the rest of my life; I would continue to date, and carefully find out how each woman felt about men who crossdress and tread over the gender lines. To me, it was THEIR failing, not mine, to accept others who aren't perfect. After all, women constantly complain about men refusing to accept their not being perfect, so I feel perfectly entitled to let them down, for refusing to accept my perceived 'flaw'.
    So when I discover that they can't accept me, well then, I can't accept them either.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Geena75's Avatar
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    I started to reply, then realized it required more introspection and put my thought more in order before posting it.

    For most of my life I regarded it as a fetish and a weakness. I would work to overcome it, then give in, then feel guilty. In 2013 I really gave in, shaved my legs, got a dress, hose, and shoes. I also discovered this site and for the first time thought that what I was doing was OK, that there were a lot of others doing it without being weirdo fanatics. I realized I was a cross dresser. Then I got scared. I got the distinct feeling that it was the first stage of a drastic path that pointed to transition. I was very unnerved when a newer member who I became somewhat close to let go of their marriage, and family and took the path of transition. Equally disquieting was the level of self loathing they felt, and it was driving them to transition. I purged and tried to avoid dressing, deciding that since it was so unlikely I would ever dress up 100%, I would never see what I would look like, so I dressed once in a great while, just succumbing out of boredom. Also, my dial up internet became so unreliable that it had to be abandoned.

    Then, in 2017 I came onto the on-line app of the “What would you look like if you were a woman.” I dove in, taking photos dressed and photo-shopping the female version face onto my dressed body. This lasted about a year but became very time consuming with irregular results, and the fact that I had to take my laptop to a wifi source to go on-line. Then the app died off, and I just cross dressed for an occasional bit of fun.

    In 2020 I got wifi internet in my home, and got to enjoy the site again. Likewise, I got to know more members who were more like my mindset. I also branched out, learning about some on-line cross-dressers and discovered that it wasn’t just a path to transition, or a lifestyle. Cross-dressing could just be for fun. That was when I accepted it in myself (mostly, anyway) and went forward. This ‘peculiar pastime’ is exciting, interesting, and fun for me. My main concern is if I can keep to my self imposed limits if they impede the fun, interest, and excitement.

  11. #11
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Unhappy For 10 years I had no idea what I was!

    At age 50 I struggled with the guilt and shame of suddenly dressing out of the blue and apparently turning gay in a complete vacuum! Finally, I looked online to see if there were others like me?

    That's when I found cd.com and that I was trans. Then, after 2 years here I discovered I was neither a true trans or was gay. I was something called a crossdresser! And, in another 3 years I got over the shame with the help of u lovely folks here!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Like doc, I found it difficult to deal with the feelings of guilt. Crossdressing since the late 1950s at a time when there was no internet and lots of prejudice and ignorance, I made many mistakes and behaved badly, particularly towards my wife. As a result of this (and other issues, I must admit), we are divorced.

    Finding cd.com back in 2008 was the catalyst which enabled me to finally realise what was going on. Over the last 14 or so years I have learned so much and modified my behaviour accordingly. The ignorance and guilt have disappeared. The prejudice has faded in many societal arenas. Unfortunately, my ex-wife refuses to learn. But K is on board!

    I dress at home, underdress often when out and about. Life is generally good! I do my small bit for our community by challenging those on facebook and in other places whose attitude towards us is ignorant and prejudiced.
    Last edited by GaleWarning; 12-14-2021 at 01:59 AM. Reason: No reference to religion

  13. #13
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Yes, it was hard and a long process for me to reach self-acceptance.
    I began around age 6 and all that did was create guilt, shame and fear that others would discover me and my life would be over.
    In my teens I feared it even more as dating became the "norm" and I tried to be active in all kinds of sports and things to be viewed as "normal".
    In college it stayed that way as dating brought opportunities to try on a girlfriends things and I took other risks that could ruin everything.
    Married I still had my stash. I would steal family time to be alone and dress and sometimes came to hate when that was not available, or hate myself when my time was over. The guilt and shame were still there. Then I was "discovered" and it all came to light. She didn't leave me but wanted nothing to do with it. I swore "never again" and went back in the closet. Then some years later I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed to accept myself and be me no matter the cost.
    I told her all about it. We cried, talked and cried some more.
    Eventually I found myself with a fully accepting, loving wife and fully accept myself.

    It wasn't easy, it wasn't quick.
    But it was worth it.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  14. #14
    Silver Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    I think I am 99% convinced that I love my look as Natalie and being her. So, am I convinced to live this life fully? No, I will not. But I do enjoy my time as Natalie. It is always special to me. She tends to over dress with all the hair, makeup and shoes.

    I asked my wife for dangly earrings for Christmas. I do need a winter coat so I can get out during my time as Natalie. That is on me.

    Natalie

  15. #15
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    I have just came to terms with it about a year ago. I always had the urge to and would dabble a little here and there. But having custody of my son, and work kept me from being able to explore those urges. About a year ago I wore some panties and didn't put them away and my SO found them. Her full acceptance and encouragement has allowed me to explore and come to the realization that "I AM a crossdresser."

  16. #16
    Member marsha leanne's Avatar
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    Like Gale Warning, I too really struggled with the guilt of dressing. From early teens, i was trying stuff on, and then having over whelming guilt afterwords. and this was before any hint of sexual feelings. Those did not help the situation.

    College did help a bit but very little, although not actively dressing, i would obsess over the whole idea. This left me very confused and guilty of "those" thoughts.
    marriage brought a quietness, but only for a short while. After being discovered by a not so understanding wife, i continued to have huge guilt spells when ever I 'indulged', made worse after a divorce.
    With the advent of the internet, i started to explore, first from the old aol lamda site and then others. The guilt continued but as I educated myself, the sessions became less intense.
    It was here, that my education really took hold. From these pages, topics, and strings, that both my own education and self worth, and self acceptance came into focus and my feelings of peace became reality.

    many, many of you have helped, as well as some that have moved on. it was only about 4 years ago, that i finally came to terms and peace with myself. i still dress, the sexual side have vanished, and the peace i now have is an amazing feeling. Add to that a wife, (not the same one) who while she does ot understand, gives me the space to indulge, has made a huge calmness within myself.

    i am here daily, but log in every now and then. Thank you to this site, the moderators who keep it legit, and all of my sisters here. you have made me a thankful and peaceful person. My guilt is mostly gone, replaced with a comfort and quietness of my own uniquecness. thank you.

  17. #17
    New Member Claire81's Avatar
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    I've been through periods of drought, binge, purge. Lots of denial. I just decided to stop fighting myself, and find ways to integrate this part of me instead of pushing it out.

  18. #18
    Junior Member JustJennifer's Avatar
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    From the first time I dressed up in my teens, I believed the girl I saw in the mirror was who I was truly supposed to be. So from that aspect, no, it was not hard to admit to myself. What was difficult was the shame and the utter hopelessness of wishing to follow that dream. Eventually those feelings won out, and I purged everything and quit for decades.

    Since coming back to it in recent years, I certainly don't feel the shame I did then. Having online communities like this one have helped me feel less alone, and less weird about it.

  19. #19
    Senior Member Debbie Denier's Avatar
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    I still struggle to this day after many years . The guilt , shame and subsequent purging.I have come to terms with it to a certain extent. I know it will never leave me.

  20. #20
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    Claire, I think the majority of us don't have a choice as to this activity. Even if we do not do it, it seems that the desire will return some time down the road.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member Debs's Avatar
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    never a thought in my head that I was a guy in a skirt, I put a skirt and top on, I was a woman, simples, no it isnt, spent many years stuttering about trying, but have now got it right, I can dress and say about 80% pass, maybe more, there goes my head again, but never ever did I have to admit to myself I wasnt a girl, I can go shopping, nights out, whoohoo, but lost partners because of it, and friends, but as you know you cant stop it, so what do you have to admit to yourself ?, if its in your DNA, you just have to go with the flow and enjoy, you never feel you have a choice ?, its just you, its easier now in the world, LGBT etc , is accepted. wasnt for a long time. Dress and be happy girls

  22. #22
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    Thanks for asking this curious question, Kimberly. I was in my early 30s when I had a few adventures with lingerie, which quickly escalated to wearing blouses and skirts behind closed curtains. I decided I did not want this confusion in my life and purged. Time passed and every few years I would wear feminine underwear for a few days and completely purge again. It is only in the past five years or so that I have accepted myself as a crossdresser. I am in my 60s. I am still mostly an occasional and closeted underdresser, but no longer attach shame or denial after my crossdressing flings. Now that I no longer purge, I have dedicated an entire dresser to my feminine clothing.

  23. #23
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    I'm a child of the 1950's and 1960's. I wrestled with self loathing, self hatred and other negative feelings. Society deemed any man who wore women's clothing to be gay although the terms were derogatory. Gay still meant happy. I use to wear my mother's clothing until I outgrew them. There was a time when I had zero thoughts of wearing women's attire. I was totally conflicted. Was I gay? I lusted over unobtainable female starlets and alluring girls on the block. No such thoughts about men. I even searched my soul before I proposed to my wife of fifty years. Did those forays into my mother wardrobe really mean I was gay?

    As I related several times on the forum my wife found me one night drinking a glass of water in the kitchen wearing a nightgown I had bought her. She asked why? I said I loved the feel of the nylon against my body. We ended up incorporating lingerie and then hosiery for me into bedroom play. It was about 1983 when our three year old daughter yanked a vivid red Vanity Fair bra from a box in the bottom draw of my armoire. "The Talk" ensued. Enter a life of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." In the end she said it was alright for me to join a support group. I looked. None was around. I did call and talked to a female therapist one evening, but, it was just me dialing up a woman listed in the phone book. (Remember phone books?) It was not any formal counseling. I tried badgering or pushing my wife to accept some degree of cross dressing, but, she totally shutdown. "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" End of story. In the end I realized this was bordering on spousal abuse. I ended up doing a lot of self examination and finally came to the conclusion there is nothing wrong with me, but I still had to somehow negotiate society's norms. Shit rolls downhill.

    I've used the analogy of a balance or scale of life. One one side is the cross dressing. One the other side is the norms and expectations of a man, father and husband. That side totally outweighs the other. Society called upon me to engage in activities that not too many other men have had to do that also has lead to mental conflicts. If society wanted me to those things, don't bother me about wearing women's clothing on occasion. Stuff it.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member LelaK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joanne108 View Post
    No the minute I learned the word 'cross dresser" I knew that I was a cross dresser.
    That's really cute.

    I didn't hear of a word for crossdressing until years after I started doing it.
    T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    I don't know if I'll ever be more than an underdressed. Having accepted that part of me, I'm much more patient.
    Dressing more than that intrigues me, but until I lose my belly fat I look somewhat pregnant in the few clothes I've ever tried on.

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