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Thread: Perplexed on whether to tell children

  1. #1
    Member jennifer1958's Avatar
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    Dec 2008

    Perplexed on whether to tell children

    I have been dressing for better than forty years. Wife knows and accepts. My two grown children do not know and would likely not be very accepting. But a thought does go through my mind, what if after I die they learned that I dressed. It seems like it would create an uncomfortable feeling for them; did I really know my Dad? What else did I not know about him? And they could never find closure or discuss with me. What are your thoughts?


  2. #2
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
    I never felt a NEED to tell ANYBODY.---Unless they needed to know. But then again, you might never know. Looking back, I have reason to believe my OWN FATHER may have , at the very least, had a tendency towards CDing. Who knows, it might run in families. One of your ADULT kids might be hiding it in himself.

  3. #3
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    That certainly is a concern any time there is a deep secret. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer no matter what the secret is. Secrets are, in some ways, deceptions. I think the most important step is to realize you do have a right to be yourself and the fact that your wife knows and accepts this behavior in you is a big plus. First of all I think you should discuss this issue with your wife and get a readout on what she thinks. Perhaps you are also not giving your kids enough credit. I have told my kids and other close relatives that I thought knew nothing and they admitted to recognizing there was some gender issues I was having and it was no big deal to find out. But I do agree that you need to reveal this in some way to your kids. But as your kids are both yours and your wife's the solution should be found jointly and not just by you.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Nov 2019
    Southeast US
    Hmm, just thinking. If you tell them now, would they not ask the same question- do I really know my dad? If it were me the main factors would be:

    1. What is the likelihood they will run into you dressed? If they live far away maybe that risk is low.

    2. Only you know their personality. If you think acceptance probability is low, that alone would be a showstopper if it were me.

    Try not to mix up your need to tell all , with their confusion about you after you are gone. They can not say things that will hurt you once you leave the Earth.


    Gretchen always has a good take on these things.
    Last edited by Sandi Beech; 12-17-2021 at 09:15 AM.

  5. #5
    Member Vale's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
    Jennifer, I think you are on the right track to view this from the perspective of what is best for your grown children. One thought for you, if you raised these children, your feminine leanings may have been apparent to them in other aspects of your behavior? If you begin to show increasing appreciation for feminine clothing that need not be shockingly out of context for them. .. .. vale

  6. #6
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    Jan 2012
    East coast
    What were your wife’s thoughts when you asked her opinion about this?

  7. #7
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    I just went through this myself. What is to gained by telling them? What are the down sides of telling them?

    When you die and they find your stuff, what difference does it make? For when that time comes, leave a letter in an obvious place with your stuff explaining the situation the best you can.

    I decided there was no reason for my daughter to know. My wife wanted to talk to her about transgender issues, but the dressing doesn't need to come up to discuss it.!&highlight=
    Last edited by Pumped; 12-17-2021 at 11:13 AM.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member
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    Nov 2021
    Merseyside UK
    I agree with Marina regarding the need to know. Your children will have a perception of you as a father that may be ruined by knowing. Nobody is perfect , you are not hurting anyone. Knowing could change your relationship forever . My daughters reaction to Caitlin Jenner coming out convinced me .

  9. #9
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Aug 2021
    New Jersey
    Interesting question. I have two grown adult sons, both in their thirties. At present, there is no need for either of them to know. It is my personal business and really is of no concern to them, just as surely as their proclivities are of any business of mine - they are adults, and I love them both. Whatever I might "find out" about them at any point would not change that. I would hope they feel the same, and I believe they would. My penchant for crossdressing does not change who I am or how I feel toward them, any more than a personal "secret" of theirs would change how I feel about them. To be very frank, nothing would surprise me!

    Still, they don't need to know now, so I'm making no deliberate reveals. One son lives far enough away so I always know when he might drop by. One lives fairly close, and on rare occasion does drop by unannounced. It is possible he could get a big surprise one day. So maybe I should be ready with a big reveal statement. What I said above holds though, whether I am alive or deceased.
    Last edited by Kris Burton; 12-17-2021 at 11:27 AM. Reason: added material

  10. #10
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    If you feel they would not be accepting then I wouldn't tell them.
    If something happens then I would hope your wife will take the necessary steps to prevent them from learning about it. If you both are gone then it is what it is. They can either accept or not and it will be out of your hands.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  11. #11
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    South Western PA
    Unless you are coming out to everyone, then do not tell them. A higher probability that at least one if not both will take it poorly and ruin the relationship you have with them and you grandchildren going forward. IMHO As far as after you are gone, maybe a letter to them explaiNing everything and a few photos to be opened upon your demise? That way they would not be blindsided when they come clean out your stuff.

    PS: We found a red babydoll nightie in my dads closed after he passed and I have always wondered.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Angela1954's Avatar
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    Feb 2015
    My children would definitely not be accepting so there is no purpose in telling them. I have a great relationship with my children and grandchildren. Telling them, knowing what the reaction would be, strikes me as somewhat selfish and/ or narcissistic.

  13. #13
    Loving my femme side tifftg's Avatar
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    May 2005
    My children do not know, however my wife does. This thread has me thinking about adding a letter of thoughts and insights placed at the bottom of my storage containers should I go suddenly.

  14. #14
    Amanda countrygirl's Avatar
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    Oct 2007
    Sandston, Virginia
    To those that have told their families. Have anyone discovered their sons also was a crossdresser?

  15. #15
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    I concur with Pumped and Karren. Do NOT tell them unless u plan for them to see Jennifer in person!

    Leave a letter, NOT photos, with your wife. With instructions NOT to pass it to them unless they have questions that she can't answer!

    If she passes 1st? Give the letter to your attorney who handles your estate.

    I told both my adult daughters. One approved the other didn't. Neither one wishes to see Sherry's pics!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  16. #16
    Senior Member Geena75's Avatar
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    Mar 2013
    I agree with the common opinion: unless you plan for them to meet Jennifer, no need for them to know. For the ultimate down the road thought -- if you pass first, your spouse would handle the evidence of your feminine side as she sees fit. If she passes first, have the letter of explanation as necessary.

    If you are concerned that they will think less of you when they find out, telling them know will just give them a head start on thinking it.

  17. #17
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    Agree with what others have said. I don't see any point in children knowing without good solid reasons. If I was to say anything I would definitely get input from my partner.
    Just another man in a dress

  18. #18
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    May 2016
    North Carolina
    My wife passed first! Living with my daughter necessitated coming out to her! She was accepting! As loose lips sink ships, I came out to my son as well! He also was accepting! Both said, what ever makes you happy! I came out as a transwoman not a CD! Only you know your children and only you AND your wife can make that decision! Best wishes! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  19. #19
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Dec 2011
    Washington, DC
    Jennifer, I really have no relationship with my children due to a vindictive ex-wife. However, even if I was speaking with them, I would not tell them. There is really no reason for them to know.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  20. #20
    Platinum Member
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    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    I have not and I see no reason to tell me son and daughter. If I pass away first my wife can clean out my wardrobe. If my wife passes away first, then I'll have to think about it. If my wife and I pass away together, then ????????????????????????

  21. #21
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Nearing the end of the trail.
    My children know because my ex told them. However we really do not talk about it and I suppose when I die that will literally put the matter to rest.

  22. #22
    Life is more fun in heels Genifer Teal's Avatar
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    May 2005
    Can't imagine it would be easy telling them as adults. Have you considered they already know?

  23. #23
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    Jun 2010
    Whoever knows or finds out while I am alive is fine who ever finds out about my other persona when I die - what difference does it make in the larger scheme of things, it is whar it was .............................Debra

  24. #24
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Jan 2013
    New Zealand
    I would believe it depends on your relationship.

    I have what is probably a too honest relationship (except my medical / heart issues as I don't want to scare them - okay I've been hauled over the coals about that and have been told to be honest about my health as well now)
    I have daughters, and for me it just makes me one of the girls and I relate to them better and they are more open about issues.
    If I had a son, I would encourage them to be the best version on themselves, even if it did mean slipping on a dress, being gay or whatever.
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at

  25. #25
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    Feb 2014
    My standard answere is, don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know. That applies here as well. If your children have keys to the house and tend to pop in at random times, they probably need to know. If they live far away and don't have keys, they probably don't need to know.

    I don't see why they would find out about your dressing after you die unless your wife tell them.

    I would suggest that you not tell them.

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