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Thread: Thankful for such a great friend

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Barbara Joanne74's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    Oregon, South of Portland, North of Salem

    Thankful for such a great friend

    This last month has sucked for me in my personal life, trying to navigate some life changing questions and decisions. Without getting to deep, I was on the cusp of walking away from my family to live my life as Barbara full time. But, as luck/providence/or what ever, would have it, my wife found an item of Barbara's and confronted me. She demanded right then and there that I choose who I was going to be. My love for her, my kids and family overtook me and I told her I was choosing to stay John. It sucked, I cried, became depressed, buried myself in work and other projects trying not to think about what had happened. I did reach out one day in desperation to a close cis GF that knows and loves me no matter how I present and poured out my sadness to her. She is the most amazing human. No matter what I decide, she will support me.

    Just an hour or 2 later she posted this publicly to her social media feeds. Even through anonymity she publicly declared her support for me.

    I was moved to tears once again.

    So with that said, any sisters here that are struggling with who they are, how they want to present and live, please know your not alone. You are loved today, tomorrow, and the next day, and the next......

    Merry Christmas

    BarbaraLady in Red.jpg
    Last edited by Barbara Joanne74; 12-22-2021 at 11:17 AM. Reason: Editing a photo

  2. #2
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    May 2005
    Northern Virginia
    My wife and daughter were/are the things that keep me living most of my life as a man. The two most important things to me are being J's husband and A's father. That doesn't mean I don't struggle, and I expect you will also. If you can spend some time with a therapist, it should help you avoid the kind of unhappiness that comes with suppressing part of your personality. Good luck!
    "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

  3. #3
    Senior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Nov 2019
    Southeast US

    Sorry to hear you were on the receiving end of a spousal ultimatum like that. I consider myself just a crossdresser - not tran, and I have had that level of intense confrontation before from my wife, and it is really hard to get over - probably for both of you. Just know that you are not alone in your struggles and we do care and can relate.

    I am glad you have someone to reach out to. I think it helps.


  4. #4
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    Barbara, I have come to understand myself as non transitioning mtf transgender. There are many of us. I think more than who do move to transition. Some lie to themselves or have their own level of transphobia and tell themselves they are just crossdressers, and maybe they are, but trans is a continuum.

    I have been married over 45 years. We have had many crisis about this, many angry and tearful moments. Far and away it has been THE most difficult issue in our marriage. But, bottom line, we love each other and we have shared a devotion to our children and now grandchildren. We have worked it out. I hope you do.

    I often tell myself that if I did not meet and fall in love with her I would have transitioned. Maybe, maybe not. I was in my forties before I even heard the word transgender. I grew up in an era of shame.

    Take a deep breath. Let the dust settle. Talk to her again ? and again, and again. The choice to be either Barbara or John is an impossible choice, a crazy making choice, an unhealthy choice that you can not make because you are both her and him.

    The desire (compulsion, urge, need) to dress does not go away. This is well documented. If she loves you, she will learn enough about it to understand that. If you love her, you will accept some boundaries while being more honest with her about your crossdressing. Don’t give up! Nancy
    Last edited by NancyJ; 12-21-2021 at 10:50 PM.

  5. #5
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Oct 2011
    Arlington Heights, Illinois
    Gosh, I feel for you. No one should have to go through a ultimatum, especially since she married you because of your endearing qualities.
    The Genie has been out of the bottle for a while and your spouse had thought it over and considered she could take it all, and leave you in the lurch, make no mistake about it.
    You slip up once...and even if you don't, she is gonna hang this over your head every time she feels she needs to dominate a issue or reduce your opinion about something.
    I commend you for not being selfish, for denying your needs, for the family, so all I have said, I hope will never happen.
    May I just suggest a covert me fund...a "just in case fund" for yourself, should you find yourself in trouble with your spouse in the future.
    I have had one for 15 years now and it brings me peace of mind I can be on my own with those funds during trying times.
    I wish you all the best, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Barbara Jo....I mean John!
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  6. #6
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Nov 2013
    I wish you the best of luck on your decision. I also recommend some therapy to help.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Nearing the end of the trail.
    I am still struggling with the idea that a friend can demonstrate such unqualified, unconditional lovel.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    Nation's Capital
    I haven't been confronted with an ultimatum yet. Except, maybe when she first found out. She told me to, "Find a therapist and get yourself fixed."

    There was a time in our marriage when I would have very sadly tried to give up crossdressing. But now I have too much invested in it. I realize that it's a part of me that won't go away, and I'm not sure that I want it to. If I were given an ultimatum today, my wife might be surprised that I don't decide what she would want me to.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  9. #9
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    Michigan USA
    Merry Christmas - it is good you have a strong supportive friend

  10. #10
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Dec 2011
    Washington, DC
    Barbara, I'm glad you have a friend who supports you. I'm sorry that your wife sees dressing as a binary issue.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  11. #11
    Time to step out! Erin77's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Ontario Canada. Milton

    I completely understand your situation. Mine is almost identical. I have teenage kids and a wife who doesn't really understand me. She found a pair of my panties in the laundry and she believes I can choose to make this go away. I dress in private and never when there's even a threat of someone coming home. Over the holidays with everyone home on Christmas break I get pretty down and depressed.

    Recently I opened up to a long time friend and told her everything. Holy mind blowing responses from her. She is the most supportive woman I have ever met!. I actually have to reign her in lol. She is empathetic and cares a great deal. She lifts my spirits when we talk and makes things bearable.

    You are not alone. In my time here I have learned that we have sisters here who can give us advice because they have been there before us.

    Have a good holiday and great new year. Be true to who you need to be. All our life situations are unique we just have to learn what's best for us.

    Just my 2 cents!!


  12. #12
    Aspiring Member missjoann49's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
    central Ma
    Hi Barbara, Very moving story, I do hope all works out for you. Know that you have friends here that you can vent to anytime

  13. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    I know your pain as many of this site. I read your post from 2007 where you indicate your wife knew of your dressing. I can see over the years you have been in counseling. What pains me in these situations is a wife thinks this is like a light switch; turn it on and off at will. If one is going to think of it as a light switch, then at least think of it as a dimmer; sometimes totally dark, sometimes totally bright; and, degrees of illumination in between. These ultimatums seem to be based on ignorance. Does a wife see it as a rejection of her? I get the fact that a spouse needs to know where he or she is headed or thinking, I wonder what is racing through your wife's mind. Does she think on her command all thoughts are expunged from your brain?

    I think your wife could benefit from counseling so she can gain knowledge about these issues. In my situation it took a while (not 15 years) to realize "it" was not about her; something lacking in her. It was about me. She realizes I am wired differently than most guys. She also realizes I am totally devoted to her. Having knowledge can go a long way in solving marital issues.

  14. #14
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    Jun 2010
    I Know take care of your self..............................Debra

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    Jun 2018
    North Texas
    There are 5 words I try to repeat to myself. They help me when I'm feeling down about who I am.


  16. #16
    Member Wendy-Lyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2021
    I see so many stories of this kind of thing happening.

    It really does make me glad I'm single (despite the loneliness/heartache this can cause).

    Better to be alone, than trapped in a relationship with a transphobe, or a domineering/bullying partner.

    Barbara, I do hope things work out for you (hugs).

  17. #17
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    I'm so sorry, Barbara! It sounds like u married the wrong person!?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  18. #18
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2021
    Your post is exactly the fear that I have about opening up again to my wife. I addressed this in my first post on the forum. She has been aware of my dressing since we were dating. We both have changed over the years. She has become more conservative in her beliefs. I plan on having a conversation with her about my dressing more seriously and in depth next month. The fear of what she will say is huge but the negative feelings of deception are greater. It is sad that she has given you an ultimatum. Maybe you could research and get some information together to share with her. Letting her know this is not just a phase you are going through. Like others have said this is not a switch you can shut off. I wish you all the best. If you would like to chat please let me know. Since our situations are similar it may help.

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member Barbara Joanne74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Oregon, South of Portland, North of Salem
    Thank you everyone for your kind words and replies both in the forum and in DM. It is hard. Both my wife and I have a very conservative outlook on things, its just that hers is more than mine. My counselor recently told me I am a "unicorn"; A trans woman with conservative values and beliefs. After a lot of reflection on this statement I believe she is right. Where things will go from here are still uncertain. My guess is she will wait until after the holidays before she brings it up again.

    Thank you and Merry Christmas
    Last edited by char GG; 12-25-2021 at 07:46 AM. Reason: Per the rules/no religion please

  20. #20
    Member Julia B's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Northern New England
    Posts like these make me sad.
    Always be proud of who you are.
    If your SO doesn?t accept you then that is her loss.
    A beautiful kind person awaits out there to love the total you.

  21. #21
    Junior Member TamT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Quote Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi View Post
    I haven't been confronted with an ultimatum yet. Except, maybe when she first found out. She told me to, "Find a therapist and get yourself fixed."

    There was a time in our marriage when I would have very sadly tried to give up crossdressing. But now I have too much invested in it. I realize that it's a part of me that won't go away, and I'm not sure that I want it to. If I were given an ultimatum today, my wife might be surprised that I don't decide what she would want me to.
    Hey, you stole my words. Or, are you talking about me?

    I'm totally identified. I'm sure there are many of us wondering what if...

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