I have always bitten my nails. I have always envied women with long fingernails. I have always wanted to try wearing a set of artificial nails, preferably red!

During the recent holiday season, I took the opportunity to ask my SO to put a set of artificial nails onto my hands. Red, of course! We had no social commitments to worry about, the weather was bad ? and so I found myself being able to fulfil a lifelong dream. The results were impressive! I took no photos, though.

Virtually the first thing I did with them was to open a tin of tomatoes which had a ring-pull top. The act of putting a thumb nail under the rim of ring-pull caused it to bend out of shape. Not badly, but enough to spoil the look of perfection I wanted.

Using my computer keyboard, I found that I had to change to angle of my fingers, which are naturally curved due to years of playing piano. The tips of the nails did not make for positive contact with the keys. I had to flatten my fingers so that the pads could make contact and allow me to type properly.

The same went for the way I used my mobile phone.

After a few hours, I noticed that the cuticles on some of my fingers were sore. I put it down to either a chemical reaction to the glue or the contact they had with the plastic nails. It only lasted a day or two, however. Not a big issue.

I lost the left thumb nail on the very first day. I think it was when I was washing dishes. I never did find it. Apparently, the soap tends to loosen the glue. I should have used gloves.

The next day, my SO trimmed the nails to a length a millimetre or so longer than my real ones. The imperfection of the thumbnail disappeared! Life got a lot easier, and I was actually quite pleased with the effect. My hands still looked good, and I was able to function normally. I could not bite my nails! The rest of the holiday turned into an experiment to see how long the nails would stay in place.

I had to go out a few times. I was conscious of the colour, but also mindful of the many comments read here about the public not noticing, or at least being too polite to pass a comment. A visit to a bank put all this to the test. An official helped me deposit a cheque in an automatic machine. At one point I had to enter a PIN and there is no way he could have failed to notice my nails. He said nothing. I did not feel embarrassed.

Six days passed. I went about my everyday business. No-one I had any dealings with had anything to say. I did not bite my nails. I lost only one more nail; the one on my left middle finger. In the same period, my SO lost five of her artificial nails, applied at the same time as she had done mine. Eventually, the time came for her and me to socialise with some friends who know nothing about Gale. I had to work out how to remove the red works of art.

This was when I discovered that one way of doing so was to soak my fingers in soapy water. Another was to soak them in acetone. I found a bottle and poured enough into a plastic bowl to cover the tips of all my nails. Ten minutes later, I was able to prise them all off by hooking the tip of a nail under the bottom edge of each of them and gently lifting them off. Because, of course, my real nails had all grown a bit over the week and the bottom edges of the artificial ones no longer were flush with my cuticles.

The tips of my real nails had all grown pleasingly long. A quick file, and they looked really good. Sadly, they no longer look that way. The habit of biting my nails is too strong!