Thank you Ladies!

[Alisonforme]

Hi Ladies!
I know that I don?t post here often, but this site really is special for me. It?s the only place where Alison shows her face freely, because I know the site is secure and that you all can be trusted. It?s nice to have a place where I can share this part of me, since there really is nowhere else for me to share it without causing great disruption to many lives. In that vein, I wrote something that I?m not sure where else to post, but I know that I can post it here and that many will probably understand what I?m talking about. Posting or sharing this otherwise might lead to a lot of questions that people really don?t want to know the answers to. So please read and hopefully enjoy, and know that your support means a great deal to those of us who walk this line.
I was going to post this in the Writer's section, but it's more of a confessional or outreach than it is a literary attempt. I'll let the moderators decide what's best.
All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

They?ll know I?m a Monster

My mother-in-law, AnnaBeth, was talking nicely about me one day at a family gathering, like she often does. My wife quipped in, ?She only says that because she loves you.?

In her usually chipper voice and with a big, almost-laughing smile, AnnaBeth responds, ?Of course I love you Cookie!? ?Cookie? is one of her terms of endearment for me. It could be because cookies are on the fence with sandwiches as my favorite food group. Or maybe she just likes saying it. I really don?t know, but I love her back. At least I think I do. I don?t really think about her often enough.

Answering my wife, I absentmindedly start telling the truth and say, ?Yeah, well that?s because she doesn?t know I?m really a Monster.?

This statement pauses the conversation a bit. I guess a statement like that requires some time to marinate. My wife is stone-faced. AnnaBeth breaks the silence, ?You?re not a monster! That?s just silly.?

Why am I in the mood for honesty right now? Not a good time, but Never is the only good time for sincere honesty about the Monster. I?ve tried to be honest about the Monster several times, with only a couple of people I know very well. They didn?t like the Monster at all, even though they only saw the slightest glimpse of it. Those glimpses were enough for me to know that I have a Monster inside me.

Like I said, I was speaking honestly and absentmindedly with AnnaBeth, and that continued as it can with me sometimes, although never about this. ?No, AnnaBeth. I really am a Monster. Maybe not all Monster. But a part of me is definitely a Monster.?

?Why in the world would you say that, Kenny?? She was using my name now, and she did that a lot too, so it wasn?t unusual. Her tone was still kind of playful, like earlier, but it had taken on a tone that betrayed a bit of worry.

?Because I know who I am. I saw Myra?s books.? Myra, my daughter, was in college as a Psychology major and she had textbooks, clinical handbooks, and psychological journals that characterized all kinds of behaviors and disorders. Anything that doesn?t fit the norm now is called a Disorder. There?s a lot of them. So many that I think it?s perfectly normal to have at least one Disorder. How can anything so normal be disorderous? Order has always posed a threat to me. Or maybe it?s more correct to say that Order has always imposed a threat upon me.

I continued, ?I saw Myra?s books, and I know who I am. I don?t lie to myself about who I am.?

?I know you don?t, Kenny. You?re too honest sometimes!? AnnaBeth really did love me.

?Well, the books all have me categorized as a Monster, in a group along with some really ugly monsters. I may not be the ugliest monster, but society would cast me as a Monster for sure. In the courts of Psychology, Psychiatry, and the Law, I am a Monster.?

?Have you tried talking to someone about your Monster?? she inquired.

?Oh yes.? I tried talking with my wife many times about the Monster. Like I said, I only showed her glimpses. She doesn?t like the Monster. At all. ?Althea knows a little bit about it, but when I talk to her it makes her think of other Monsters. She?s seen Monsters in the movies and she equates what she knows of what I do with those Monsters. But it?s not true.? Althea is staring at me hard now. ?It?s not true, but she thinks that part of me is a Monster, just like Myra?s books say.?

AnnaBeth looks really concerned now. I?m surprised that Althea isn?t interjecting or trying to stop me from my absentminded honesty. There must be a reason for that. She always has a reason.

?Piper has seen more than most and she?s open to talking sometimes, but it?s weird.? Piper is one of my other daughters. One time when I was trying to talk to Althea about it, Piper overheard and when she asked me about it I was honest with her. She?s seen more of the Monster than anyone else in real life, and she?s not scared. She?s not like everyone else though. I don?t really talk to her about it unless she brings it up because I don?t think it?s fair to burden her as the only one I talk to about it. She deserves to enjoy her own journey without bearing my load. And if she knew other things, she might rethink it all and decide that I really am a Monster.

?I tried talking to my brother once too.? It was true. I only showed him a teeny tiny glimpse. ?He said to me, ?Is this really anyone?s business? Does anyone have to know about this?? I told him, ?No?. He said, ?Good. Keep it that way.?? That was from just the teeniest, tiniest glimpse.

?Well,? AnnaBeth was searching for the right thing to say, knowing that it was impossible to find, ?Have you ever thought about getting help??

I had. ?I don?t want help. I love my Monster.? It was true.

?Well then, why don?t you set your Monster free??

She was so supportive! AnnaBeth is always so kind and understanding and insightful. I love her for that. But being Althea?s mom, I could never tell her the whole truth about the Monster. She would tell my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and everyone would freak sideways about it. It would cause a lot of drama, and heartache, and sadness. I don?t want to do that. Then I really would be a Monster, or at least a monster of my own definition (and not just everyone else?s).

?I can?t do that Momma.? Momma is one of my terms of endearment for her. ?They?ll know I?m a Monster. And everyone I know and love will leave me. Friends I?ve had since I was 5 years old will say they thought they knew me but they obviously didn?t. And I?ll be treated like a Monster. At best, I?ll be treated very differently and more poorly and with pity. Pity mixed with disgust and anger and resentment. If I were to make everyone I love to feel that way, even in the act of being true to myself, it would make me feel like a Monster."

[SaraLin]

Is it really a monster? Does it have fangs, claws, a need to destroy?
Or
Is it a scared little kitten, terrified of all the monsters out there with their fangs, claws, and need to destroy?

I used to hate myself for how different I was, but instead of "monster", I used words like "freak" or "pervert."
Eventually, I sat back and took an HONEST look at myself and realized that I'm really a good person. Heck, compared to some of the so-called "normal" people out there, I'm practically a saint. So what if I'm different? Does it harm anyone else? Will society crumble if I'm true to yourself? Does It cause the world to go spinning off into the void?
Of course not.

If you're a good person otherwise, I suspect that as soon as you make a pet out of your "monster" it won't be a monster to others either.

[GracieRose]

I understand the use of the term monster, as it somewhat reflects the general view of much of society. Your concern about society's poor acceptance of the 'monster' is uncomfortably accurate.
However, I have to agree with SaraLyn. 'Scared kitten' is more accurate and honest than 'monster'. Some people are more inclined to torture a scared kitten than a monster.

[Raychel]

Only you truly know the dynamics if your family
But to me. And again. Only you know for sure.
It sounds like your mother in-law may be one to confide in.
You would definitely want to talk to your wife about it first.
You may be surprised at everyone's reactions.

I know sure was. Everyone that matters to me now knows.
Including my father. And he is the one I feared telling the most.
I was kind of put under the gun with him by my ex wife.
More or less forced to tell him.
I was fearing telling him. And he surprised me the most.

Talk to your wife. Your daughter. And if they feel it is ok. Your mother in-law

Best of luck

PS. That monster is only in your head. Once you tame that. And grow to accept yourself. All will be good
Been there. Done that.

[Heather76]

I don't feel the need for anyone else to know my cd journey other than my wife. We differ in that regard. However, rest assured there is no way you have a monster inside you. What you have is nothing more than a behavior that is not mainstream. However, it also isn't exceptionally rare as evidenced by the number of people that enjoy the same behavior.

[Jane P]

I completely understand where you are coming from I read through a few psychology textbooks when my wife was studying in the '80s. I hope things have been updated but don't know. I know it is still difficult to not feel that way.

[sometimes_miss]

I may be wrong, but the original definition of monster, was simply an aberration from the normal phenotype. Such as a flower with unusually shaped petals or parts, different from a commonly found one.
The term monster as something terrible, probably came from use in fictional works depicting a bad, aggressive or evil organism such as the sewn together human that Dr Frankenstein built, or the abnormally large and aggressive creatures such as King Kong or Godzilla.
We aren't actually in that category. We're no more monsters, than women who choose to, at times, wear men's clothing 'because they're more comfortable'.
Our choice to wear women's clothing because WE feel that they are 'more comfortable', whether that's because of physical sensation (which is what women claim about wearing men's clothing) or because of psychological relief because we get to feel like we're finally wearing what we believe we should be wearing, really doesn't matter, because it's all about how the individual feels while wearing it; not how those who observe us, feel about it.

[Marissa Q]

Alison: I think your story resonates with many of us. Many of us have either had or dreaded that very conversation and being cast as a "monster" or "freak" or a "problem" to be solved. The mental contortions that many non-CD folks go through in order to "figure out" exactly where the CD'er went wrong -- along with the hunt for correlative events to support their internalized (and inaccurate) casefile is one of the most vicious, argumentative circles I've ever encountered. It's practically political/ideological in its vociferousness.
Some people think we're breaking some fundamental law of the universe and it can appear "monstrous" to them. But all we're really trying to do is simply have and enjoy a human experience -- to be free.
If that makes us monsters, so be it.

[StacyG]

I remember my mom telling me back in college. "You are sick!". She ruled buy quilt and shame, so I've always kept my secret. She told my first wife before we got married. Anyhow, I bet you are a lot like me and the other wonderful women here and i challenge you to make a list, maybe even post it here, of all the good things about you. Kind, gentle, encouraging, giving, talented, wise, peaceful, considerate, patient. Monsters don't have those qualities and usually have an intent to cause harm.
Also, I am a recovering alcoholic, 10 year sober. It has been discovered that only alcoholics can help other alcoholics the best. That's why if you want to work in an rehab facility as a counselor, you have to have a history of drug and alcohol abuse, so you can relate to your patient and not some stiff who read something in a book and has no first hand experience of the real struggle.
So you read some books by some PhD's that got published. Likely they never spent one minute with a TV or TG or even a homosexual, they are just regurgitating what they've read.
yeah there's always going to be people who don't accept us, big whoop. You are not a monster otherwise you'd have to call the rest of us in this very loving and caring group, monsters.

[EricaNG]

My parents did not understand it at first.It was after I told mom it was me going into her closet trying on her clothes including desires and urges to dress as female at times.It was after seeing clothes out of place in her closet.I was 13 at the time.We worked things out,therapist also mentioned I am crossdresser to them

[Raychel]

Ding ding ding, We have a winner......

We aren't actually in that category. We're no more monsters, than women who choose to, at times, wear men's clothing 'because they're more comfortable'.

[Alisonforme]

I have to thank you ladies again! I sincerely appreciate your insights and most of all your empathies! You gave me a lot to think about and I appreciate that too, but the support means the most!

I never thought of myself as a kitten (just a sissy or a princess!), but it is true about the other types of monsters out there.

I have tried to talking to my wife and it went pretty much as described in the story. DADT and definitely don?t see.

I?ve accepted myself and appreciate my female side very much. Enjoying women?s garments has always felt very natural to me and also exciting on many levels. I never think of myself as being handsome as a man, but I do think of myself as pretty and contented when fully done up as Alison. But most others do not and would not see anything pretty (just a big guy in a dress and makeup with maybe a little 5 o'clock shadow) and that?s the duality of it.

I agree that I/we are not Monsters, however being categorized with pedophiles in psychological texts casts us in that societal light, which is a stone foul. Silence of the Lambs and other screen presentations have reinforced negative connotations in the most unkind of ways.

Guilt and shame?I received that from a Catholic foundation, but even outside of religion things like being called a sissy reinforce the negative of society-defined (as opposed to humanity-defined) perversions. I now embrace my sissy. I am, and we are, definitely not monsters and the point about non-CD PhD?s pigeonholing us is a good one, but there are many accuracies in their conclusions. The more Trans people become integrated into society, which is happening, the more acceptance there will be but for now it seems a large contingent clings to the transvestite and pervert judgments.

I often wonder what my mom knew. I knew I liked women?s clothes, and she probably did too, but I didn?t know that there was an Alison in me until after my mother had passed. She told my wife before we were married that she was just glad that I ?turned out normal.? And my parents planned for me to be a girl...I'm told that there was even a sign that said "Welcome Home Sally" when they brought me home from the hospital! My mom definitely knew things, but maybe didn?t understand them any better than I did for many years. I often wonder now if all her talking to a girl while I was in her womb influenced my behaviors and natural inclinations.

For now the bottom line for me is that we live in a society where expressing our freedoms can have very damaging consequences. And I don?t know to what end it would help me to expose myself with an Alison-side anyway, although I do want to attend more gatherings with other Trans people and will seek oppornities to do that.

Hugs to you all!!

[Stephanie47]

Some may quibble with the usage of the term "Monster," but, I think everyone will agree with you. I don't know if it was by design from above, but, there was a book sitting on the computer table, "Love Monster" by Rachel Bright. On the inside of the dust cover it says, 'Everybody loves cute, flurry things. You know like kittens and bunnies and puppies. But nobody loves a slightly hairy, I-suppose-a-bit-googly-eyed monster....do they?" The book does have a happy ending for the "Monster" but with too many of "The Monster Within Us" the ending is not so pretty.

I know where you're coming from. My wife and I had "The Talk" circa 1983. Since then, nadda, nil, nothing. Maybe an occasional phrase dancing around the issue, but, nothing of substance. "The Monster" is relegated to live in a cage. There's no lock on the cage, but, there does not need to be one. "The Monster" knows nobody will pet him or play with him. He's akin to a rabid dog. This monster is nearing the end of his earthly life cycle. He can approach the "heavenly gate" with a long list of approved accomplishments, but, too many will look at the back side of the paper and say it is not worthy. Yet, there are truly unworthy cute kittens and bunnies who wore the right fur coat, yet were monsters.

One can read all those posts about "Go out, nobody cares!" But, who will play with you? Who will brush your fur? Who will cuddle you? Few are far in between. Not all monsters end up as he does in "Monster Love."