My wife and I have gone through several stages from "Hell no!" To today I dress when I want.
DADT can mean a range of things from absolute "I don't want to hear or see about it, never see you dressed, zero clothing out, it doesn't exist." "To I know about it and occasional slip up is ok, but I don't want to see you dressed or wash you undies!"
It really depends on the couple.
Mine is more DADT NIMBY (not in my back yard). It is ok if others cross dress just not me! It is even ok if the sons boyfriend transitions to female, just not me! She loves Billy Porter but I am not allowed to like him(her). Just pisses me off sometimes. Dual standards. But I bite my tong and go on since I did not bring it up before we were married, she did not sign up for this. My burden, my fault.
There is an old proverb. You can take a horse to water but you can??t make it drink. That is my situation of wife?s total non acceptance. I used to dress at my mothers every week until she passed away.Mine is a similar situation to Monica?s. But involves abstinence. I think sometimes it?s more trouble than its worth so I don?t bother. I have only fully dressed once in the last 18 months when the family were out of town for the day.I purchased clothes from a charity/thrift store and dumped the evidence at the end of the day. Underdressing with panties and nylons sometimes is as good as it gets.Our relationship is fine other than CD.
Last edited by Debbie Denier; 02-12-2022 at 10:15 AM.
A bit of an addition to my post on this subject.
When I was in therapy, my wife went to a separate therapist that helps friends and families adjust to the idea of having a transgender/gender variant loved one. She didn't go that many times but it did help her to understand more in the early days. The therapist was at the gender identity center here in Denver where I was going - kind of a full service package they offered.
Although dressing is limited, gender expression and engaging in female-like behavior without the clothes is quite acceptable to my wife. In fact she rather enjoys having a husband who is a bit more like her in thinking. I still show some masculinity, but it is limited. I think this goes along with the trend that a lot of women don't care for the domineering husband and prefer a husband who exhibits considerable sensitivity rather than being the classic, stereotypical male - rough and gruff. Not all women like that femininity, but mine does and I think that helps with the acceptance.
The point is we have found that the more feminine behaviors I exhibit is far more important than the dressing. In a word, she appreciates me being somewhat female-like in personality, something I did not do back in my denial days, but with minimal clothing to match the personality. In short, a kind of mild androgyny. I think that is a kind of acceptance, but I also understand that is just not for everybody.
There are certainly common threads in the posts here, but it is fascinating to see the wide variations in so many of our situations.
I would walk out and walk away. And I'd keep on walking. Simple as that.
If she can't or won't accept me as I am, then I don't want her. I'm no longer prepared to hide Wendy, and I'm no longer prepared to compromise on this. On other things, yes. On this, no.
I've already been through one DV relationship (nothing to do with dressing). I survived, but it nearly destroyed me - I won't even attempt to risk another. If that's the choice, I'd sooner stay single.
DADT is simply not something I'd be prepared to tolerate.
Last edited by Wendy-Lyn; 02-12-2022 at 04:27 PM.
My situation is does she really want to know? She knows I wear panties and has even helped pick them out, I shave my body, and my nails are long and manicured. When I try to broach the topic, she either changes the subject or remains silent. So she doesn’t ask and I don’t tell.
Honoring the woman within
I am officially closeted, however ... A little over a year ago I was "virtually" caught. Although not seen in my full impression (wig dress hose shoes make-up eyelashes) she did see my make-up on the table, spare wig, spare shoes. I made a couple excuses that seemed to satisfy her and nothing has been said since. While there has been no discussion, I am also sure she isn't dumb and has some notion of what I occasionally do but doesn't ask. So, I regard mine as closeted with all the cautions that go along with it, but wonder if I have a virtual DADT setting.
This whole CDing lifestyle hit me late in life. While I have had a desire to dress my whole life, I was always able to suppress my desire. Around the time I hit 50 the desire started to grow and here I was pushing 57 and it was either go crazy or accept it. I decided to accept myself as a CD. Not wanting to do anything to deceive my wife, I immediately came out to her and we had the talk. My wife knew for a while something was up for a while. She was happy I told her. I left it at that for a week or so and then I brought up the topic again and she basically said "I married a guy and I want that guy. And quite frankly, I don't understand why women want to wear women's clothing let alone you, my husband." I decided to seek professional help and sought out a therapist. Long story short, my wife felt the therapist was trying to come between us. After a few sessions, my therapist suggested wifey and I set some ground rules and said there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and to enjoy my new lifestyle. That was the end of therapy. My wife and I came up with some basic ground rules. Basically, I can wear anything I want, within reason, when she is around as long as I don't flaunt, prance or do anything to throw my conceived notion of femininity in her face. I agreed and asked what does "within reason" mean? Her reply was she will let me know when I overstep. Almost 3 years later she hasn't commented on anything I have worn and I am still trying to figure it out where I stand. The sad part is I never wanted to deceive her and yet, I do. Over the years, Robin has grown mostly behind my wife's back (although I'm sure she suspects). Why, because we never talk about it. She never brings up the topic. I don't bring up the topic because I don't want her to think I am throwing it in her face. I really feel like I'm in limbo.
- Robin
Because life is too short not to.
It's ironic ... I finally found a group of guys I fit in with. Funny how they all enjoy being one of the girls.
Wife: Why do you fold your panties? Me: I don't like my panties in a wad!
DADT for my wife and I is as follows:
She found out I dress. We discussed it. She told me she doesn't want to see me dressed. I agreed. She doesn't want to see clothes arriving in the post, or left lying around. I respect that wish.
It's never talked about. She doesn't ask me if I have dressed when she has been out, she doesn't ask how I am feeling. I don't ask her if I can dress, or have time to myself. I never mention dressing explicitly.
It is what it is. I just take every precaution I can.
Two months after I met my wife I disclosed to her that I like to wear women's clothing by literally walking out of her closet in one of her blouses and a skirt. We had a cautious talk that afternoon and...she didn't run away. We've been together now for 28 years and going strong.
Does she want to see me dressed en femme? No, she bristles at the thought of me in hose, heels and a bra but she'll regularly help me find private time to do so. Will she help me purchase or repair any such items? No, but she does not freak out, judge nor condemn me when a package arrives. Does she offer me time to share discussion about my journey and preferences in this matter? No, but will occasionally do so at my behest even if with minimal enthusiasm or interest.
Does she appreciate the degree of masculinity I possess and exhibit? Yes. Does she appreciate my more sensitive side that is also ever-present? Yes. Does she acknowledge that the two sides co-exist naturally and permanently within me and may very well be present in my clothing choices from day-to-day? Yes. Does she love me as I am? Yes.
I would love to wear anything I please when I wish to (as we choose to wear clothing throughout the day anyways) but that arrangement is not likely to exist. My wife, while overall accepting of who I am, is not likely to change her tune on this. Yet it is ok for me to continue dressing in private without having to tip toe around the house with clothing or worry of being outed, without worry of our marriage imploding. Neither of us live in worry nor fear but together with love and overall acceptance.
While I consider this still to be a form of DADT - maybe it's more of a LALL (live and let live) arrangement? - I gratefully and happily accept what my wife and I have fashioned around this part of my personality. I consider myself a lucky husband.
Veronica, definitely a DADT situation, but a very relaxed one. Is is a good place to be in knowing she will not freak out if a random article of clothing is left out, or she accidentally sees you dressed and also allows you the time a freedom do do so. It is a very good situation to be in and many here would cry in joy if their spouses got to that point of acceptance!
We were there for some time, but my wife eventually thought it was foolish to ignore the elephant in the room.
Same here Monica. Rather than DADT, I consider myself NANA - she'll Never Accept my crossdressing and I'll Never Admit that I'm still doing it. Yes, I know the deception is not good but it's either that or give up the other 95% of our life that is perfectly okay.Originally Posted by MonicaPVD
My Flickr profile
https://www.flickr.com/photos/142337725@N08/
This is my third attempt to post in this thread. I started a long chronological post on Friday and it just made me sad, so I deleted it. I tried again later that afternoon trying to be more simple and direct and felt untrue to myself and again deleted the post.
When I joined the forum I had recently returned from a weekend away. That weekend I dressed daily. I do not have forms, or a wig. I have not worn a lot of makeup and during that weekend only wore lipstick and gloss. I went out more fully dressed than I have ever been before and it was euphoric. After posting some here it was evident again I would have to have "The Talk" with my wife. I don't think I had ever really put into words with her what it meant to me to dress, or what I really needed from my dressing. She knew of my dressing when we began to date about 38 years ago. During that one time she did participate. Over the years of our marriage I have opened up to her about my dressing. When I say open up I mean, I mentioned it. The conversation normally ends up in an okay you have told me, I don't like you doing this, let's never mention this again. "Let's not and pretend we did." On Christmas Eve when we did have the talk it was out of my own beginning to get sick over it all. I knew I needed to bring it up again and this time I knew it would be more difficult. She has changed a lot and become more conservative over the years. She can become very angry at the current times and can say mean things. So I was simply very afraid of mentioning this. The rejection that I felt was coming seemed overwhelming. Also I had a sense that I was not being fair to her and the outcome could be far different than I was projecting in my anxious mind. The talk went similar to those early discussions. She was watching TV and listening to me at the same time. Something that does bother me. She is one of those folks that struggles to want to give undivided attention and becomes defensive when that is mentioned. I asked her to turn off the TV she did not, but it was far more important to me to have the conversation. This time I was more open about what I needed. What came out of this discussion was that now she knows I underdress. She does not want to see that. So I do my own laundry. I have a mixture of panties and men's underwear that can be considered panties anyway in my dresser, along with other items. I wear yoga leggings to the gym with shorts over them. Her request is that I return back to "regular" before coming to bed with her. I have moved into a new dimension of DADT. I do have the ability to take trips both for work and my own pleasure. I will use those times to dress more. I also discussed that with her during the talk. Although she knows I dress, I am a lot like Sandra "she will never accept my crossdressing."
Very different from being in the closet IMHO. My wife has known I cross-dress for many many years. We tried open here I am. It didn't work, so we went for don't ask don't tell. Knows full well I am cross dressed while she is working/away/whatever. Happy with that, has seen me cross-dressed many times. Not into it, but fully accepts that it is part of me. I'm cross dressed today, she is working. I will be in male mode before she comes home. If she comes home early or I forget to put my makeup away, no big deal. No explanations called for. Tomorrow we will still be married and enjoying the many other things that we do together. That is DODT for us. My close family all know I cross dress too. But to the rest of the world I guess I am in the closet.So I think it is a question of perspective.
Last edited by Jane G; 02-14-2022 at 12:12 PM.
Jayne, that sounds ideal from my point of view. My biggest stress is her seeing something I've left out and then facing the fall out. Having that stress removed would be so good.
Jane G, great place to be isn't it! Better would be 100% acceptance, but 90% acceptance with her knowing and not freaking out over it lowers the pressure immensely! my wife played it like that for a while then said screw it, dress when you want!
Give that woman a hug from all of us!
This has been very interesting and confirms that there are as many different emotional attitudes and mental approaches as there are DADT variations - it is all very individual to each of the people/couples involved.
My situation is similar and dissimalar to most of yours. However, I accept that she did not ask for this when we got married; we did not discuss at any time we were dating or in the early years because it was not a "thing" at that point in my life (it came back into my consciousness after having been gone for almost 30 years/about 20 years of marriage); it was/is hard to discuss after all the years because I cannot explain it to myself, much less to her; and it is none of anyone else's business.
I do not intend to bring it up again and, frankly, anticipate that I will quit dressing when I no longer present the image I can accept. Whether that is 10 years or 10 days from now, I don't know. I will probably still participate virtually on sites such as this but will purge and accept the times I had to enjoy it. However, and this may be the most important thing, I love my wife and through out our 40+ years I have strived to make her happy. That may be old fashioned . . . well, so be it. I will continue to what I can to make her happy even if there is no "Terri time".
No one else may understand it (kind of like trying to explain crossdressing to someone else) and I hope that does not offend anyone, but it is just my "individual" approach.
I am what I am and also what I am not!
Hi Jolene, my understanding is that DADT is to be in the closet but with the SO being aware of your hobby.
My wife and I aren't DADT since we discuss it. And although she doesn't want to get involved (and I don't either), she bought me a couple of makeup items. This was an act of love since she did it shortly after I came out to her and all was in shambles.
Twice a year we split the apartment in two during an afternoon so I can dress. She never saw me nor photographs and I am good with that. I tell her what I do, when I order an item, and that's about it. It's been more than two years since the reveal and while we used to have long conversations about it they receded and are pretty rare now. I don't know if that's a good sign or bad sign, but the lines of conversation are open, so.
Good for you to have a participating SO, make sure you keep her a place in the sun and make her feel special too.
Last edited by DianeT; 02-15-2022 at 06:23 PM. Reason: Missing word
My SO found a "female kit" I had hidden between my things few years after we marry. I never told her and purged before the marriage ("it should cure me"), but I started buying things again and dressing when she was away from the city for some days, which it happened many times a year. She thought I was dating someone else, so I came out to her and told her that the dress, shoes, pantyhose and underwear in that kit was mine.
We had The Talk, we went to a couples therapy, and a DADT was suggested. She didn't accept that and quit the therapy, requesting him to fix me. She knows I still have a lot of sealed boxes in the basement (the kit was the top of the iceberg) and keeps reminding me to discard them. She had trashed lots of my female things whenever she find a forgotten one, or when she is upset with me.
As she doesn't let me alone at home, I moved some of my things to the office, started underwearing there and, later, using female jeans, blouses and sweaters, trying to mimic an androgynous style, but leaving from and returning to home wearing my male clothes. Sometimes, I got dolled during lunch time and went to a Mall in femme (like in my avatar), a couple of hours that de-stresses me and lowers anxiety.
So, my DADT is more like "beware because I'm over you" and, as Monica said, it's painful to have to be dishonest with her about my own feelings and what I've done, just because I don't want to upset her.
Yeah don't you just love double standards. Respect others for who and what they are " you freak"
I should probably clarify that this is how it feel it is more than how it is. I brought it up years ago and there's been no discussion then or since about anything other than about day to day necessities. I don't push it or flaunt it we don't talk about it. For others it is the way they are and that's okay.
Last edited by Jane P; 02-15-2022 at 02:48 PM.
I don't know why , but I am .
I can honestly say I have never had that problem. My late wife was very supportive, and of recent
my daughter has become supportive also
Yes, NANA seems to be where we are these days.
Told my wife a few weeks back after almost 24 years of marriage. We're firmly DADT. Hopefully that will change over time, but can't take that for granted.
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