Question for CDers who have married more than once

[char GG]

There are many on the forum that hid their CDing from their first wives. Many have also remarried at least once. For those who initially didn't tell their first wives for whatever reason, (thought it would go away, they marriage would "cure" them, felt guilty - we have heard many explanations for the secrecy :

Did you explain things differently while dating/ or before marrying your subsequent wives?
Did you let them know up front about the CDing the second (or more) time(s) around?
Did acceptance play a part in remarriage.

[Cheryl T]

I know this isn't actually the same as what you're asking but ...
I was engaged to a wonderful woman. I decided to tell her and have everything in the open before we married. Well, that ended the engagement.
When I met my wife I consciously hid everything having lost one love because of my honesty. Eventually I did tell her and she is fully accepting, but it almost didn't go that way because of the secrecy and lies.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Everyone's situation is different and each must decide based on what they perceive to be the best course for them with what they know.

[marilyn m]

i have been married twice, and both times they ended up in the arms of another
despite being up front and honest, initial acceptance and sharing the dressing experiance
led to them being unhappy despite me moderating my fem time and lots of communication,
sorry im not more positive but im sure its possible to have a healthy marriage with the right partner,

[Heather76]

I have been married twice. However, my CD experience is different from many. I was not an active cross dresser and didn't think about it during my first marriage of 17 years. I did on several occasions put my wife's panty hose on when home alone. But, in 17 years that probably happened 10 or so times. Was I a cross dresser or was I simply experimenting with something unusual to me? We divorced at my request as I realized we were growing away from one another and we both deserved more from a marriage. It had nothing whatsoever with any (latent) desire to CD. Enter wife # 2. Again, I put her panty hose on in secret several times and even purchased panty hose for myself on a couple of occasions. Again, was I cross dressing or experimenting for ways to get a sexual thrill - which I did. When I truly began cross dressing after 36 years of marriage, it was the simple act of wearing lace panties. It took me about 5 months to confess to my wife. That conversation was in late November, 2020. I now underdress every day. I always wear panties. When wearing long slacks, I'm also wearing stockings 99% of the time. When we're home with no expected company (like at this very moment), I'm either wearing a bra or bralette with either silicone inserts or silicone breast forms. I sleep every night with panties, stockings, bra or bralette, and breast forms. She doesn't understand it; but, she accepts it. I believe when I first started down this journey I could have correctly stated she didn't like it. But, now, I don't think she either likes or dislikes that I cross dress. She just realizes that I do and at the ripe old age of 76 I can make these decisions on my own. I do know she would like to understand why I enjoy dressing. I wish I had an answer other than "I don't know. I just do."

My goal is for her to feel 100% comfortable with spending the evening at home with Heather wearing dresses, makeup, and a wig. I believe to get to that point she has to understand I'm not some kind of deviant person and the act of cross dressing doesn't threaten my love and affection for her. I have made her well aware that I have zero interest in being a woman (transitioning) and I have zero interest in being with a man. I am the same straight man she married who has taken a left turn when it comes to fashion. I just happen to love wearing clothing and lingerie that is traditionally the domain of women.

[kimdl93]

I was not entirely open about CDing when I married my first wife, but told her as much as I understood myself shortly after we married. It lasted another 19 years before other circumstances unrelated to CDing got in the way. My second marriage lasted 16 years and I came out before we were engaged. This time, I bear the bulk of responsibility because I changed over the years?and eroded the image and expectations my second wife had of me.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

My first wife had a lot of hangups. Only one example: I wasn't allowed to hang out in the house, alone even, naked or in my (men's) underwear. I was reading one Saturday morning on the couch in my underwear, she flipped out. CDing never came up.
My second wife was/is a lot more accepting of various things. My CDing came out partly due to her acceptance of weirdness, she once practically dared me to wear something that would shock her. So, I did my best. It didn't shock her, but it did lead to The Talk, so that was a good and necessary outcome.

[Steph_CD_62]

I've been married twice.

Discovered mom's lingerie as a teenager, pretty much stopped after I moved out. Still enjoyed looking at lingerie a lot.

Got married figured it was just a teenage phase until late one night and discovered how much I enjoyed the feeling of her nylon nightgown. She caught me and had a long talk. She was into as long as I didn't leave the house. We bought a lot of lingerie for me. We got divorced not because of my dressing, but she was no longer in love with me.

In between marriages did some dating, found out most women weren't open to men wearing women's clothing. Found a couple that didn't mind but didn't feel a connection.

Met my current wife and I knew she was the one. I needed to tell her early because I didn't want to keep any secret from her. Told her with a week or two of meeting her. We didn't talk for a couple of days. She didn't have a problem with it as long as I didn't want to get a sex change. When we first met, I was basically into just lingerie. As time has passed, I have gotten into more and more things. The only thing I don't do is make-up and wigs. I will go out in public on cold/cool days so I can hide things under my coat.

Before I try something new, like wearing dresses, skirts and jewelry I always talk to my wife to make sure she won't have a problem with it.

Not sure what I would have done if she wasn't accepting of my desire to dress, knowing she was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I got lucky, took a chance and told her early enough so there weren't any surprises.

[Brianne_bc]

my current wife things were based on me being dressed up which she enjoys. This one will last.

[Glenda58]

My first wife knew about it ten years into the marriage Used it for the divorce. My second wife found my things a year after we were married. Was upset that I didn't tell her before we got married. She wanted to get a divorce but got sick. Seeing how much I cared for her when sick she said she wanted to work it out. But before we could she passed away but made me promise to tell who ever I got with about my
cross dressing. And I have kept that promise. It's just my wife doesn't understand it.

[mellissa]

I been married twice first wife knew about my dressing but didnt want to know much at all so i did with second i was whonest from the start showed her explained all and so on and has excepted me for me she is happy aslong as im happy.

Mell

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

Kept it hidden from both wives. Until summer 2020 when I came out as trans to second wife. Her (incomplete? grudging? evolving?) acceptance I am guessing is more than first wife would have given, but who knows?

[JocelynJames]

My first marriage ended unrelated to CDing. At the time, I wasn?t even sure what was going on as to why I dressed. She never knew, mainly because I didn?t know why. I did once state that I was excited dressing as a cheerleader for Halloween and her statement was ? oh God, you?re not going to start crossdressing , are you?? I think that says how it would have gone. We just married too young and changed overtime, just different directions.

In my marriage now, I didn?t come to grips with what I was doing until about 4 years in, sought information, and told her about 5 1/2 years in. It was rough for a bit, but now she says she feels we?re more open and honest than ever , and that she?s happy she stayed and that I?m happy.

[alwayshave]

With my first wife I never disclosed that I was a crossdresser, so obviously the relationship ended for other reasons. With my second wife I told her prior to moving in together, knowing if she was not accepting, I would eject from the relationship.

[Aunt Kelly]

At the time, I still identified as a cross-dresser, but still told my current wife as soon as the relationship started to gain serious traction. Honestly, it wasn't that hard. I had already made peace with who I was and knew that whether she did or not did not change me.

[VtVicky]

My story is a little different. After playing around a little bit with lingerie during adolescence, I entered the military shortly after High School and never thought about it for years. After marrying my first, (and least favorite), wife, I started wearing men's nylon under pants. I soon realized that womens' were a lot cheaper, and felt surprisingly good. My wife tolerated it and I had no interest in going any further. After that marriage fell apart for reasons having nothing to do with CDing, I was single for many years. During this time I bought my first slip from the Sears catalog, and also expanded my panties collection, but it never came up with anyone I dated.

When I started dating my second, (and favorite), wife, I knew I was pretty heavily into panties, but hadn't really started experimenting with much else, other than sleeping in nightgowns. I knew I had to tell her about what I was doing, but hadn't quite figured out how.

Since we were not living together, I thought I had time to figure it out. Until one afternoon while I was helping her fold her laundry at her apartment, she tossed a bra at me and said something like, "I bet you would look cute in this." I was in such shock, to this day I can't recall what I said. I seem to remember a lot of incoherent mumbling. And, I don't recall taking her up on it at that time. She lived with her 3 young kids, so privacy was infrequent
and fleeting.

After we were married and she and the kids moved in with me, my dressing was confined to the bedroom after the kids were asleep. Occasionally we would have "girlfriend" nights where we "played" wearing similar lingerie. (Did I mention that she was my favorite?). After our divorce, (not CD connected), I spent many years without a real ""romance". And let the "pink Fog" flourish. When I finally started spending a significant amount of time with someone I thought might turn serious, I told her about it. She was not interested in participating or seeing me dressed. So, it was panties only with her for many years. (altho, she knew I purchased bras occasionally when we were out shopping together), and, I kept the rest of my dressing to myself. Since we were just "friends with benefits", we eventually drifted apart mostly due to our divergent schedules. I don't think it had anything to do with CDing.

So, three different women, three different situations, three different responses.


If there is a moral to all this, it escapes me.

YMMV

[SaraLin]

Well - let me see...

First wife: Right. I didn't tell her before. I thought marriage would "cure" me of it. Of course, it didn't. When she found out, we struggled and she found a way to deal with my dressing. I thought she'd accepted me, since she'd help buy me things and I could dress around her - just not in front of the kid. But one day while shopping for me, she made the comment that she was getting "just as sick" as me. Talk about painful! I was crushed, and it was probably the start of the end. I eventually left, but not for CD reasons.

Second wife: She knew before we married, and seemed to support me, but when she started sleeping around, tried to blame the breakup on my gender issues. She went out of her way to tell everyone she could that I wanted to be a woman and that this is why she left. It didn't have the effect she expected - probably because they all knew that she was a prolific cheater.

After that, I dated a bit - letting them know about me. My results weren't the best - I think because I wasn't OK with myself either.
Then I went into therapy for a bit to battle serious depression. this led to gender therapy and for a while I was on hormones and transition bound. But financial difficulty (thanks wife #2!) and a good look in the mirror burst that bubble.
Off hormones, I dated a bit more and found a girl that happily embraced my whole self. I'd have married her, but alcoholics make for bad wives and I tearfully said goodbye to her too.

Along came wife #3. I told her the whole story of Me before we got too serious. She didn't run, but we did set up ground rules on what's OK and what's not. Twenty years later and she hasn't budged. It's difficult at times. I SO MUCH want to let my Sara side have more of a presence in my world (and the real world too!), but I can't.
I occasionally wonder if I could push a bit more - but I bite my tongue and carry on.
My wife is worth the sacrifice - and more.

[Julia B]

I told second wife about my crossdressing about two months into the relationship. She was totally supportive.
Now three years later she loves our Julia time together and enjoys buying me clothes dresses and purses.
She is wonderful.
Recently we were at a casino and I was clocked by some guy who had turned to his friend and said, Check out this thing walking towards us. My wife walked right up to the guy and said, Sorry she is with me. Love my wife!

[JulieC]

Julia B; that is awesome what your wife did Really awesome!

To the thread; I've only been married once (going on 20 years now). That said, I think I have a somewhat similar of a view to those who have remarried. I've been in several long term relationships before getting married. Through most of that, I didn't have a sense of self realization. Then, when I did have that, I didn't have a sense of self acceptance. The last long term relationship I had before my wife was with a woman who (I felt hypocritically) was bi-curious and wanted to explore that, but was totally, completely unaccepting. I don't know that it had a direct role in the breakup, but it was intertwined, to be sure. In retrospect, it was a "mistake relationship". I learned from it though, so that is good.

~year later, I'm back in the dating scene, and told myself I would never again accept a relationship with a woman who didn't accept me. If that meant I was going to be single the rest of my life, so be it. I refused to be made to feel ashamed, to feel wrong, to be forced to hide. I just wouldn't accept it. 2-3 months into my relationship with my now wife, I revealed everything to her in the car while going down a highway. It was a nervous moment, but I felt compelled to do it. I wasn't going to waste any more time on relationships with women who weren't unaccepting. If she headed for the hills, she headed for the hills. At least in the car at high speed, she couldn't just walk away right away She still laughs about that moment to this day. A few days later, she bought me pantyhose, and the rest as they say is history.

[mbmeen12]

Did you explain things differently while dating/ or before marrying your subsequent wives?

Yes because I worked to hard to not hide.

Did you let them know up front about the CDing the second (or more) time(s) around?

Yes because they deserve the truth...Come to find out her brother full transitioned MTF.

Did acceptance play a part in remarriage?

Absolutely but it also was the demise of it. My wife had her own awakening about her sexuality.

[Kris Burton]

Both my wife and I have been married twice. My first marriage was ridiculous, married way too young and both of us were immature even for our age - 23. It fell apart within a year, unrelated to any crossdressing, which at the time was none. My second and current wife was married to a closeted gay man, who hid from her, got caught, and ended the marriage.

In a recent conversation, my wife admitted that the experience in her first marriage has informed the way she reacted and continues to react to my crossdressing. The deception of her first husband is what hurt and affected my wife the most, as he was using her for "cover". I came out to my wife within a few weeks of the active CDing that I do now, and it's a good thing. Had I not, and was caught, it probably would have ended our relationship of more than 40 years. It was a bit contentious for the first few days after our talk, and I now know she had all the misconceptions about crossdressing that are out there, was gay, was I going to transition etc. Through my actions, I was able to convince her that none of this was the case, and we are now fine, no problems at all. Given this, if I was aware of my own CD tendencies at the time we married (I was not) she probably would not have married me.

As it is, she accepts me, even participates with me up to a point - which is great fun for me and she seems to be amused by it all as well. However, she is adamant about a couple things, the first being NO SNEAKING! No hiding of any sort, which really relieves me of so much tension. She also is emphatic that I not step out dressed, she is much more firm on this than I had thought. I thought she might warm up to this, but now I don't know. I was not pushing that issue, and now I REALLY wont. The biggest of all did not come out until this conversation - no clubbing! If I were to do that, we would be through, and has now so stated it. That was not in my long term plan at all, but I wonder if that includes meeting up with CD friend (in person, of course; she knows I have a number of friends I correspond with here, and that's fine) or attending a conference or support group. In any case, I'll leave that alone until it comes up.

In any case, all of this relates the the experience she had in her first marriage - not CD of course, but related in her mind. We are OK, but I must remain as upfront as I can. I will proceed mindfully!