Finally Gave In

[erin8042]

Hello Everyone,

Long time lurker, I do not post very much. I am very much in the closet, if my wife knew I think some bad things could happen.

I have been able to fight it for about 6 months, purged everything. Finally the urge became to much and purchased some bras and panties yesterday at Marshalls. I forgot how much I love the feel of a bra, the straps, oh and the fun of a matching a cute bra and panty set.

Now the rabbit hole begins, next I want a new pair of forms, cute stockings to got into a cute pair of heels, then a pretty dress, oh and a skater skirt,......

I have become obsessed before, totally over taken by the urge, dominating my day. Then the shame I feel after is terrible. A few years ago when I traveled for work I had a wonderful collection. I purged all that long ago. So I guess I am just scared.

I wish more than anything that I could have just been born a girl, grew up playing with dolls, go shopping with my mom, going to prom, going to college, going on vacation, wearing a cute workout outfit at the gym.

I guess I just needed to tell someone, thank you for reading

[Kris Burton]

Hi Erin - and thank you for sharing. Living with a part of you so deeply in the closet must be so difficult and stressful. If you could get past the guilt and worries it would probably allow you an outlet for the "girly" things that you mention here.

Although I do not know this personally, many here have attempted a purge as you have. You already know that doesn't work, the urge may ebb and flow, but never goes away. I did not acknowledge my own CD tendencies for most of my life. When I finally did, it was a psychological relief to finally be able to lean in to that which Ii knew was already there, yet would not accept. I feel a much fuller, less tense and more complete person since admitting to myself my own CD proclivities. I cannot gauge your situation with your wife, all are different, but I took the risk and came out, and was rewarded with her acceptance. In short, life is much better.

For you to have written it suggests you are not happy with your situation. I guess the question you must ask yourself is, can you continue like this, or can you conquer the guilt and shame, address your personal situation, and make a change that might benefit you?

[Karren H]

Welcome back to the dark side, Erin! It is like a black hole, no escaping the gravitational pull! Like Kris said, come to terms that it is what it is and you are what you are and move forward. Life is amazing when you have no guilt, amazing and a lot prettier!

[Jenni6521]

Great that you have posted again. Oh the purging times I have had over the years of my dressing. I would always come back as you will hear from any responses to this post. It always starts again. With me it will begin again with some type of cute panties I have seen somewhere. I will look at them and the next thing I know I will be back around to buy them. I have made a sincere promise to myself not to go through another purge. The guilt is just inhibiting my real core emotion of the joy of my being able to enjoy soft and pretty things. Never works to deny myself of this and I tend to now understand I need it more than want. Enjoy yourself.

[Lana Mae]

Stop purging! It will come back and harder every time!
See a councilor/psychologist who deals with gender matters!
Talk to your wife, let her know you love her! Explain to the best of your ability what is going on! DO NOT lie to her or say you will quit!
She might want to have councilling sessions also!
Best wishes with all of this! Good journey to you!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Aunt Kelly]

...I have become obsessed before, totally over taken by the urge, dominating my day. Then the shame I feel after is terrible. A few years ago when I traveled for work I had a wonderful collection. I purged all that long ago. So I guess I am just scared.

I wish more than anything that I could have just been born a girl, grew up playing with dolls, go shopping with my mom, going to prom, going to college, going on vacation, wearing a cute workout outfit at the gym.

I guess I just needed to tell someone, thank you for reading

First of all, welcome back, Erin.

The shame you are feeling is familiar to practically everyone here. So know that we all sympathize.
Familiar too is the pattern of purging, resisting, and eventually giving in and (usually) binging.

Those things are not good for you. They take their toll emotionally, not to mention financially. The best advice I can give you, is to accept who you are. I wouldn't begin to try and assign a label or category, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that you are normal; unusual perhaps, but gender identity is a spectrum, with a normally occurring distribution. Be kind to yourself and accept that, regardless of what your next steps are, or are not. That may not change anything else, especially with regards to your relationship with your spouse, but you can let go of the guilt.

As for your relationship with your spouse, let no one here tell you the best way to handle that. You know better than anyone what a revelation at this point might mean. The many, many stories here indicate that it is a risky business, no matter which path one takes once such a deception has become part of the relationship. Just remember that while her judgement, and the judgement of others, may impact you negatively, it does not define you.

[Heather76]

I would absolutely agree with Lana Mae. I would suggest speaking with a counselor/therapist first. As part of that discussion ask for help in determining the best way to approach your wife. You have to let your wife know in order to let the guilt go. "The Discussion" is NOT easy. In fact, it is scary. With guidance, you will hopefully find the right time and way of talking with your wife about it. I would also suggest asking the counselor if joint sessions with your wife are suggested. I'm hoping to visit a counselor at the VA in the next month or so and will ask the same question. I do know their LGBTQ+ program has support group meetings and also offers couples counseling. After I feel comfortable talking with the doctor conducting this program, I hope my wife will be open to joint sessions. I believe she will be as she would like to understand why I have this drive/desire to CD even more than I would like to understand it. Quite frankly, I don't really care why I want/need to CD. I just want her to maybe have enough of an understanding to not only accept it (which she does now) but to be supportive of me dressing.

[kimdl93]

Welcome back, Erin. I know how intense the feelings can be when the spark comes back. Take a minute to get your bearings and think about your feelings, needs and those of your partner. The dream/buy/guilt/purge cycle can be frustrating, stressful and risky.

[Debbie Denier]

Welcome back Erin . I can identify with your experience. I have purged many times. When my father passed away in 2011, CD came back with a vengeance. I became lax and my wife discovered my fem clothes when decorating a room. We had the talk she did not accept and made me purge. She thought it was a phase . I had a breakdown and came out to my mother. She was brilliant and fully accepted. I had a fem wardrobe at her home and dressed there every week. If there is somebody else close to you such as a relative or friend you could come out to ; i would recommend doing so.It may save you a lot of stress and give you an outlet to express your feminine side. Sadly my mother has since passed away reducing opportunities . But I am thinking of visiting a dressing and makeover service as an alternative outlet and source of stress relief. Whatever you decide to do good luck. Remember there is an alternative whether your wife accepts or not.

[Fiona_44]

Erin,

Many of us have experienced the same things as you - purges, shame, guilt - so you are not alone. But it is important to try and let the feelings of shame & guilt go. By dressing you are not doing anything wrong. You are doing something different, not wrong. Once you begin to accept this you will be in a much better place emotionally.

[Maria 60]

Welcome back and like I say to the others "you can run but you can't hide" they mostly all come back, I'm also a victim. At one point in my life I would get the courage to buy some fem stuff and then masterbate and then throw everything out because of guilt and the " I'll never do it again" story. When I decided to tell my wife realizing how real it was she decided to see where it was going and gave it a chance. About a year later her biggest thing she didn't understand was why I felt so much guilt and mostly after I would satisfy myself. She told me instead of feeling guilty why not just enjoy it when opportunity comes and not to flatter myself that I could be doing worse things. I wasn't a cheater, gambler, addicted to drugs, etc,etc and if we can find a happy place that we can both live with this, just enjoy when you have the chance.
Those words were worth probably years of therapy and hope you can also find a happy situation that you can maybe enjoy it a little.
I can also relate about cute dresses and cute women things, in the summer we are wearing boring shorts and women were beautiful summer dresses.
I purged a few times and regretted most of them but my biggest one was my vintage slips, I love slips and I can never replace the ones I had.

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Erin,

Sorry to hear about the purge. Hope you can one day talk about this with your wife and get some reasonable ground rules.

Marion

[giuseppina]

Hello Erin

Your feelings are fairly common among those of use who have a stigmatised but otherwise harmless activity.

Maybe a few sessions with a licensed and regulated (by a regulating body, eg. the provincial College of Social Workers or College of Physicians and Surgeons where I live) mental health practitioner will help you resolve your feelings. A referral from your primary care physician is an excellent place to start.

While experience with gender issues is helpful, the main criterion, other than a licensed practitioner, is the practitioner does not attempt to judge you. S/he is likely to want to speak to your wife alone and together with you. Further, a referral from your PCP is likely to steer you away from the charlatans allegedly in the business of counselling.

I have accepted this facet of me; I no longer have any guilt or shame feelings about my gender issues. It wasn't easy, as I have other unrelated mental health issues.

[erin8042]

Thank you all for your advice and being so kind. I do have a therapist, and she knows everything, expect about Erin. It seems the time has come to let that cat out of the bag. Thank you all again for your help

[Marissa Q]

Hi, Erin. Welcome back! As always, thoughtful advice abounds in this thread. And, yes, I agree with you in that it's time to tell your therapist about yourself. I say "yourself" because Erin isn't a separate entity. You're Erin as well as all the other facets, masks, contradictions, subtleties and nuances in your life. And sharing that stuff with a licensed therapist or close friend is a solid path out of the shame/guilt conundrum.

[alwayshave]

Erin, Never, ever purge. It always contains so much regret. The said, welcome back and enjoy your time dressing even if it is furtive.

[Kris Burton]

I do have a therapist, and she knows everything, expect about Erin.

Erin - If I may be so bold, I encourage you to discuss your alter ego with your therapist soon. I was in and out of therapy for years, without ever addressing my CD inclinations. The end result was a compromise in my therapy and mixed results which led to an increase in stress and even anger. As soon as I came face to face with my persona - on my own - the relief was so great, and it ended years of sublimation. I'm not a therapist, but it would seem that for you, it could go far in relieving the stress and guilt that often accompanies CDing, and the impulse to use purging as an effort to "cure" yourself. An open discussion in your therapy could prove so helpful.

[GretchenM]

Welcome back Erin. I know exactly what you are talking about. It is the story so many of us can tell and without a lot of variations in the details. During lulls I store rather than purge. Purging gets too expensive and throwing away or donating things you will have to replace is expensive and that can add to the shame and guilt.

I completely agree with Lana Mae. And as a person who went to therapy a couple of months after I gave up the internal battle with that side of me, facing the truth and coming out I strongly encourage you to spill the goods on the table in front of your therapist. It will likely bring you a great deal of relief. And you may find that this behavior is a major part of why you are in therapy in the first place. Denial of a significant part of yourself can really do some damage psychologically creating some very serious problems.

My wife also went to therapy to help her deal with this revelation about her husband. And therapy also provides a means to find middle grounds and compromises that are agreeable to both. Those compromises may not be completely what you want or she wants but it will be an understanding that can save your marriage. Communication is the key. Go for it. It is unlikely it will turn out bad.

My daughter is a therapist and deals with this a lot. It is their job to not only help the individual but, if married, to help both find solutions that are agreeable to each and find a deeper understanding of each other.

[ziggie]

Let me echo what others have said about talking to your therapist. If, indeed, she knows everything "except about Erin" then she doesn't know everything. I'm willing to bet that your therapy progresses substantially once such a large part of yourself is revealed.

[Cheryl T]

Erin ... Been there Done that.
So many years I went through the same thing. Buy/Love and Enjoy - regret and shame - Purge and swear never again. Then weeks/months/years down the road Urge/Buy/Love and here we go again.
Then one day I just said WHY? Why am I denying myself. Why am I so guilty when all it does is make me happy and hurt no one.
Then one day I accepted myself and said this is part of me. No more guilt and shame, no more purging, just calm and peace.
Someday I hope you find your way there.

[erin8042]

Thank you all again for the support, it is very much appreciated. The fog is just so strong right now, honestly I just need to keep pretending to me manly Aarron and keeping Erin the closet. I wish it wasn't so lonely being a crossdresser. Anyone else in CT?

[Sometimes Steffi]

Erin

I know someone in CT who does MtF makeovers. I've had her give Steffi a makeover several times.

I'm a native Bostonian and I went to college in Providence. I know that CT is a very small state (geographically).

PM me if you are interested.

[Kellyxx]

It's really difficult and risky when you're deep in the closet. I guess we all know our SOs best and how they may react. From what I've read, and my own experience, many do come to some sort of acceptance even if it's DADT. I told my wife a few weeks back. Her initial reaction wasn't good, but she came around. We've firmly moved to DADT. She says I should do "whatever I have to do", but she wants to see or hear nothing. Not great, but less stressful that totally hiding everything.