Talking to my spouse - advice, help, ideas...

[GwenH999]

Hi. I'm new here so sorry if I'm asking something that's been fully covered.

I've been a crossdresser for over 30 years but I still don't really have a good handle on it.

Around 7 years ago I told my girlfriend at the time (now my wife) about my crossdressing when I was young, which she found very interesting. A little while later I told her I was having an urge to dress. She was less than delighted but since then I have managed to dabble with crossdressing with her blessing.

We have had quite a few talks over the years, the subject comes up and she asks how I'm feeling. She wants to be supportive but she can't hide how uncomfortable it makes her. I then get embarrassing (I still have lots of guilt and shame about dressing) and I downplay it.

I'm now at a point where I'm 45 and I feel like I'm running out of time to understand this part of me, and I'm only going to understand it by doing it, but I'm just unsure how to explain this to my wife without making her feel bad or causing me to bottle it.

Does anyone have any advice or ideas how I can broach the subject in a positive way? I'm worried about potentially driving her away and I'm also worried I will get embarrassed and miss my chance.

Thanks

[MonicaPVD]

This topic is covered extensively on here because it's central to most of our lives. Some of us have been very successful in managing it, others not so much, and others, like me, hide. That's no fun, trust me.

Since she already knows, you have an advantage. The goal is to slowly bring up the subject so that she is not overwhelmed or feels threatened by the possibility that "you have turned into someone else" or "this is not the person I married."

Go slow. Listen to the veterans on here. And research old threads. This topic has been beaten to death on this forum. Good luck!

[Di]

As a GG here are my suggestions mostly coming from other GGs that found out later.
Do not say you will stop ( you will dress again) and she will think you lied.
Get her to understand it is a part of you And very common .She already knows you wanted to since young just remind her.

Explain why you never told more about it , trying to ignore it Afraid to say more as you felt she did not like it, ashamed, scared, thinking it would go away whatever your reason.
Tell her you will NEVER hide your feelings again.
There are all kinda options you both can work out something.
We have a FAB section here she can talk so she does not feel alone.
Be prepared and talk to her when there?s no distractions.
Be patient answered all the questions and she?ll probably ask the same ones over and over.
I am on my phone and will try to add more later.
Best Wishes in my opinion it is much better to work this out instead of being caught.
Add
Be truthful not saying it is only panties if it is more and do the drip drip drip that will backfire big time.
Make sure you let her know nothing has changed you are still you the one she loves but this need is inside you , it is a part of you and it does not need to be a big deal.

[Kris Burton]

I'm not a highly experienced crossdresser but I am a highly experienced married person of 41 successful years and counting. As Monica says, there is a lot of source material among our threads on this subject, valuable and important reading for all of us in your situation, which is very many. Researching that should be your first step.

Recognize that when you have your talk, be able to explain how you feel in no uncertain terms. Be understanding should she become uncomfortable, and explain yourself confidently without taking offense. There are a lot of misconceptions about our activity out there, and she may be laboring under some of those. It will be helpful if you can shed some of your own guilt and shame as well - that will alleviate some of your own embarrassment. Recognize that our activity might be unusual but you are doing nothing wrong, and its important that she come to know that as well.

Do take it slowly, yet recognize that so many things in a relationship are a negotiation. You may find her accepting of certain things (dressing in private, participating in our forum), and not of others (taking and sharing pictures, going in public). You may find yourself negotiating these activities, and you may not get all you want, but all your cards will be on the table, and you will understand exactly where she is coming from , as she will of you. That in my opinion is positive.

This is just starter material though. The real substance and anecdotes are in the already existing threads. I wish you well.

[Aunt Kelly]

Gwen,
First of all, good on ya' for sharing early on in your relationship as much as you did.
Take Di's advice, every word of it. You may not understand a lot about this side of yourself, but your spouse deserves to know as much as you do.

I would add the suggestion that you seek counseling, with someone qualified to address gender identity issues. Choose carefully. Find someone that your wife can trust. You may not attend sessions together, but at least involve your wife in the initial "informational interview" process. Yes, that's daunting prospect, for both of you, but the process will give both of you an understanding that you currently lack.

Good luck to you.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I have been married for fifty years plus. She wants nothing to do with my cross dressing, although she shows no outward hostility. I call it the ostrich effect. Stick head in ground and avoid the elephant in the room. We had "The Talk" mid 1980's. Two issues were on the table; self acceptance and her acceptance. I thought, if she accepted my cross dressing, then everything with me must be alright. I went through that self loathing, self hatred period (actually decades).

I went through some of those quaint phrases that are thrown around. Those were totally before this site or the internet existed. Telling her I wanted to "explore my feminine side" went over like a lead balloon; "Tell me about your feminine side, when you have a baby!" In the end I told her and still would tell her "I do not know, why I do what I do!" That is the truth. I also said I wish I did not have those feelings which is true. Life would have been a lot simpler. But, it's there. I got over the self acceptance by weighing what I accomplished in life against my desire to wear women's clothing. I realized I did not need my wife's acceptance for me to accept myself. Half the problem solved.

The other problem; acceptance of a wife? You need to lay all the cards on the table. You need to fully expose yourself. However, that does not mean you should push your needs onto her. My wife told me it was alright with her if I found a support group. I cannot talk for a woman, but, I think a wife needs to know the male elements of her man are not a false facade. All the maleness that she was attracted to are genuine; it's just that there is a little more to him. She may come to accept parts of you or none or all. Just do not push. Don't get into that "If she loves me, she should accept everything." All that will get you is the flip side; "If you love me, you'd stop pushing it on me."

My wife feels secure in our marriage. She has always had what attracted her to me. Once she told me "Go fishing, but, don't expect me to clean it!" I got her point.

As others have said peruse this site. Although many threads are now closed because they aged out, you still can read the content. There are stories of success and stories of total failure. But, and, that is a big but, the advice on this forum is worth exactly what you paid for it.

[Maid_Marion]

It helps to discuss ground rules that you can abide by. Who will see you dressed? Is it just in the privacy of your home or will you venture out? Where and when?

In my case I wanted to look good dressed, and learned all sorts of fashion topics that helped me look good.

Marion

[Heather76]

I believe all the suggestions/advice others have given is good. I'm relatively new to cross dressing as I didn't start until June 2020 at age 74. My wife and I were married 36 years at the time. It took me a few months to tell her; so, you do have that advantage. When she said she didn't understand why I would want to wear women's clothes, I told her (truthfully) that I didn't understand it, either. What I did tell her is when I'm dressed, I feel a certain calm and peace I don't otherwise enjoy. While she's certainly not a fan of my cross dressing, she is accepting of it. I cross dress daily (under my male clothes) and she is well aware of it. At her suggestion, I will be visiting with a therapist/counselor at the VA who deals with gender issues as part of the VA LGBTQ+ care program. I'm hoping after a couple of visits I can arrange for a joint session (or several) so my wife can get a better general understanding of why we CDers are "wired" the way we are. I'm of the opinion if she can better understand the various motivations (even if we can't pinpoint mine) she will become supportive in addition to accepting.

Two things I made abundantly clear when I first told her were: 1) I am NOT gay, and 2) I am not wanting to transition to be a woman. I suspect most wives have those concern because they don't understand cross dressing and associate it with sexual inclinations. My wife has told me in the past she could accept it if I left her for another woman (no chance of that ever happening); but, she'd have a problem if I left her for a man (even less chance of that ever happening).

[char GG]

Good advice here. You will find that many CDers don't understand why they CD. You say that you don't understand yourself and you downplay it. If you are going to have a real talk with your wife, you will have to think about the "why". She will most likely want to know so be prepared to answer truthfully. If you downplay it, so will she. Don't play games, be truthful, tell her what you would like to do, and listen to what she may tell you is her comfort level.

There are may threads and sticky's on this topic, some written by GG's. Take a look around and you will probably have more information.

[docrobbysherry]

Do try what Di and Char suggested! But, if u tried everything and still have issues u can do what I and many other dressers have done.

Just stuff it until after you're divorced. I snuck, hid, and lied for a couple of years. But, it wasn't until after I separated from my ex that I was able to fully explore my fem desires and Sherry came into being! Now, nearly my entire social life is about dressing and her!

[mykell]

hi gwen,

welcome to the group,

this is a copy of a thread from from one of the mods here. https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...l-your-partner

it is written from the perspective of an accepting women....should be relavent still as youre trying to inform not reveal as that has been done at the start of your relationship,

good luck....hope this helps your situation....

[Helen_Highwater]

I'm moving towards having the conversation albeit slowly so I can't help you with what to say. However what I would say is you need to sort out in your own mind what it is you want to say in advance and be clear about it.

When I worked I used to do presentations from time to time. One of my prep tricks was to find a quiet room and actually say the words I wanted to say but in small segments. Then repeat, and repeat again and again so a bit like learning by rote, Early reps would differ from each other but slowly a form of words would solidify. Now telling your SO is different to doing a presentation but going over the salient points, having an imaginary conversation, helps you prepare to answer those questions when they come. PPPPP, Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.

Pr-emptying what is likely to come up means you're less likely to be on the back foot. You can be more empathetic to her concerns and at least have some answers rather than just going on a wing and a prayer that leaves thing hanging.

Getting those first few words right, getting the conversation started will go a long way to getting a better outcome.

[alwayshave]

Gwen, Welcome to the forum. I have no direct advice as I told my wife before we got serious and she is accepting. But I did tell her I have dressed my entire life and the I was not going to stop. And let's face it, none of us are going to stop. So be honest.

[Wendy-Lyn]

I am seeking a partner at the moment, and this is one thing which petrifies me about the entire exercise.

I have no idea how I'm going to broach this, but I do want to be honest and up-front..

[GwenH999]

Thanks for all your advice, some very useful stuff here. I'm going to take it slow and be honest.

Thank you

[Kerry Michaels]

I?m also a 45 year old Northerner with a wife who doesn?t like it but isn?t actively hostile. I always compare it football widows. You rarely get a man who is obsessed with football feeling the need to have their wife understand and watch all the matches, read all the magazines, etc...
At the same time, women don?t want their husbands living in football shirts, discussing nothing else and spending more times doing footballl things than being with them.

If it?s a gender identity thing, that?s different. It isn?t for me. I?m just a man who likes to look like a woman once in a while. (The most normal thing in the world.)

[Paulie Birmingham]

Figure out what you want to get out of crossdressing. For me, its a sexual fetish type of thing. For others it has a calming effect or sonething like that. For others, they want to be a woman. Ur wife is going to ask.

[Kellyxx]

All the advise above is great. You need to prepare for her questions and don't overload her initially. She will have lots of questions and you need to prepare answers.

[DianeT]

Hi Gwen, and welcome to the forums. I went through your exact phase when I was 50. I hope you will forgive me if some of my words may seem harsh, but know that it is coming from the right place and I am trying to help you, not make you feel guilty (since you did nothing wrong at this point). The best service you can do to yourself if you want to talk to your SO is to prepare it well. And one of the most important questions is asking yourself how far exactly you want to take this. The transitioning or not, the meeting other men or not, that will make a huge difference for her. And because it makes such a life-defining difference, you MUST be honest about it. Maybe you don't have these answers yet, in which cas just say so. But be 100% honest. If you are not, then what is the point of having a conversation, other than manipulating your SO into having it your way? And that means that you would be treating her as a child, not giving her a chance to make her own educated choices (which may involve staying with you or not). It is very important to accept that some of her answers may be difficult for you. if you love her you will accept that and tell the full story anyway, like you probably would like her to do with you if the situation was reversed.
Of course that will not change the fact that she is uncomfortable with the dressing and may always be. But at least you will both be able to make your choices, and decide what future you want for each, as a couple or not.
As for guilt and shame. I always had shame about the dressing (less so nowadays, but since I am not out to anyone but my wife that's much theoretical for me), but let me define shame: I am speaking of the shame that the the way people would look at me would induce if they learned about it. But in the privacy of my dressing there was never any shame nor guilt, since I never felt that I was doing anything wrong.
There's a link in my signature that may help a lot for the preparing. Be loving, be patient, and good luck to you both.

[AmeeJo]

Great advice DianeT! I think that will help me with the same issue of talking to my wife. Thanks for the link too!

[Gi Gondin]

Hi Gwen. A lot of helpful advice was given.

My contribution is towards building something together. Is it possible that something that starts being you crossdressing ending as a couple thing. It will not work for everyone but in my case was fundamental and I gladly shared the ownership with her.

I remember just after telling her I was hooked in dressing as a girl that she asked to see my female clothes. I showed a butt lifting pants I bought in NY and she laughed saying that many country singers would wear tighter pants. that how all started!