I disagree. Getting caught releases the truth. That is where true happiness often lives. We just have to face it.Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
I disagree. Getting caught releases the truth. That is where true happiness often lives. We just have to face it.
also second the concept, getting the knowledge from a third person is the worse.
As a CD, I have tried most of what you suggested.
- catching him dressed
- finding a picture
- finding an email or website
- finding women's clothing
- hearing about it from others
Of these, the worst was telling her myself. She has used the information as a weapon for 45 years.
Next worse was hearing about it from others. My wife heard only a vague suggestion from our grown daughter. I took our daughter shopping and foolishly made suggestions about putting together her outfits. She mentioned to her mother that I had good fashion sense. Vesuvius erupted for several weeks.
The next worse was catching him dressed. The reaction was adverse but not nearly as violent or prolonged. She concluded that episode by announcing DADT. Less painful was finding an item of clothing that I left in a back closet. But she threatened to go through the house on a hunting expedition with our daughter when she planned to visit the next day. I moved all my finery to a storage unit late that night. It is still there twenty five years later.
Wife and daughter hacked my home computer to find a website in the history. Wife then posted it on my monitor and woke me from a nap to her accusations. I replaced the computer pronto and installed the tightest security commercially available. No problems there since. On my work computer, I never put anything that I would not be fine with everyone in the office.
Wife has not found a photo. Photos of me are rare. There is only one faceless photo of me on this forum. There are two more on a password protected site. All others are in hard copy and I have the only key to the steel container they are in.
Abby, what you describe is nothing short of abusive.
@ JulieC:
My sentiments exactly.
I couldn't stay in a relationship like that.
I feel my anxiety rising as I read some of these posts. Glad I came out to her first!
It, to answer the question, maybe a worst case scenario is for her to find out in a group setting. That makes open conversation really difficult.
Abby (#28), I have to agree with the others that your wife is abusive. Further, if your daughter is a willing participant, I am throwing her in the same boat. I do have to wonder, since she has discovered all this information, what has she done with it? Has she weaponized it?
My wife and I are in DADT as I stated already in this thread.
Find an email or website? She found this site open when I stepped away for a moment and forgot to close it. Her reaction? She told me to be careful so a visitor would not stumble upon it, if visiting. No volcanic eruption.
Finding women's clothing? She has found on occasion a bra and panty inadvertently left out. She folded the garment and placed it out of sight on top of the washing machine. Again, just a reminder to me. No volcanic eruptions.
You're not in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. You're in a "Search and Destroy" relationship.
Being caught/discovered can be extremely traumatizing for both parties. I tend to use the term 'caught' not because the act of crossdressing itself is harmful or immoral, but rather because so many of us go to great lengths to keep this part of ourselves a secret. If you're keeping a secret from your wife and she discovers that secret on her own... then you've been caught.
Semantics aside, there is no good way for a CD to be unintentionally caught, nor is there a good way for a spouse to unintentionally find out.
Obviously the truly decent thing to do would be to initiate a conversation early on in the relationship. However, that's not what this post was about. The point of the post was to offer a cautionary dose of reality on how profoundly damaging the ways in which we get caught can be - both to our spouses as well as ourselves.
My ex-wife had the unfortunate experience of waking up next to her husband who was sound asleep wearing nothing other than a pair of her pantyhose. To say that the ensuing conversation was awkward would be the understatement of the century. She was very confused and very upset. I was apologizing like a madman, looking like a deer in the headlights the entire time. Like an idiot, I downplayed my hardwired urges and continued to secretly wear her pantyhose on many other occasions. She caught me many times.
Our relationship spiraled beyond repair. The trust was gone, and for all intents and purposes, I realized that my repeated actions were emotionally distressing to her. In turn, she resorted to becoming physical toward me. Whenever she caught me wearing pantyhose she would punch, slap, or kick me. On one occasion she threw a half-full coffee mug, hitting me in the chest. In addition to the physicality, she would constantly threaten to tell my entire family and all my friends my secret.
Basically I had reaped what I had sown with my clandestine behavior. The marriage came to an end eventually (thankfully!).
Years later we managed to have a reconciled friendship with the two of us admitting our past mistakes. She has since moved out of town and we no longer keep in touch but it was nice to have buried the hatchet on a good note.
Although we eventually found a modicum of peace, I still struggle with the shameful memories of my selfish actions during our marriage.
Last edited by Bianca Fay; 03-08-2022 at 08:34 AM.
A few years ago I left a bra out and my wife discovered it. She came and asked me who's bra is this? I quickly decided the truth might be best so I admitted it was mine. She then asked why I had a bra. I admitted that I wanted to see what it was like to wear. She then commented that they were expensive. I then lied a little that it was a Walmart bra and wasn't all that expensive. She's pretty tiny so she doesn't shop at Lane Bryant where bras aren't cheap so she didn't check the brand. Her only comment was "I don't understand" and nothing has been said since. She's now retired and we're both home most days so my dressing is very little anymore. I was prepared to tell her more if she had asked but she never did and never found any more clothing.
The very worst way for a wife or GG to find out would probably be someone else telling her. ( an ex, a neighbor ect)
Besides feeling betrayed, I think they would be mad, hurt and embarrassed by someone else knowing before they do.
As you may have noticed not many GGs have answered.
We do get some that find out by accident , but things get sorted one way or another and they are not here often then.
The core of us that stay here all were told by their partner - some before marriage some after.
Last edited by Di; 03-10-2022 at 06:07 AM.
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I just feel so sad for my sisters for whom this is a hidden and a secret thing. For me it is something I can be open about and discuss with my wife. I know she doesn’t really understand what makes me want to do this (but then again neither do I) but she knows it is a need not just something I choose to do and she wants me to be happy. I feel so privileged.
These ways are all equally worse.
I would have felt betrayed that he had lied to me and this would have been devastating, even more so than finding out about the CDing. There is nothing worse in a relationship than loss of trust. If I had to find out years into our relationship, I would much rather that he told me himself rather than learning about this indirectly. I'm sure that he would explain why it had taken so long to tell me (embarrassment, shame, or the thought that it had just been a passing phase), and at least I would acknowledge his courage and maturity in telling me.
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Lest your story might deter anyone from telling their wife even after many years, I need to say that any wife who would use the info as a weapon for 45 years would likely have used something else if you had not been a CDer. Sounds like you both have long-standing relationship issues that have never been resolved. Marital problems are seldom one-sided. My sympathies to you both.
Reine
It always ends at the same place either way but coming from the outside seems the worst.
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