Long story, first post

[Mary Loo]

I have been lurking here for a few weeks, but created an account this morning.

I am 55, married with 2 grown children, my elder, 26 year old son, is actually still living at home with us.

I started cross dressing at 5 or 6. My Mom kept some overflow clothes of hers in my bedroom closet. One day from boredom, I put on a skirt. I told my Mom about it and she promptly moved the clothes elsewhere. My parents divorced when I was in 2nd grade. I have 2 older sisters who when they went to college and my then single Mom was working to support us, meant I came home from school every day to an empty house full of women?s clothes that fit me. It was a daily activity and when I learned about masturbation it was while wearing a nightgown.

Well, you can imagine the pull it has on me. I didn?t have much opportunity or cause to dress from college on, but reasonably early in my relationship with my wife, I told her all about it. In fact, other than this post, I have never told any other living sole my secret other than her.

Now I have to mention that my wife and I differ fairly dramatically in stature. For the past 30 years my only opportunity has been HER clothes which don?t really fit and takes away a lot of the joy for me, plus she understandably doesn?t want me damaging her clothes.

Recently she was dress shopping online for a dress for a family wedding and they didn?t have her size for one she really liked. I told her to get the bigger size anyway(since she could return it via AmAzon with no hassle). It was big on her, but it fit me well. This was about 5 weeks or so ago. Well, the pink fog has settled in on me and returned with vigor. Seeing myself in a dress that fit was glorious again. I even knocked off work a little early one day to parade in front of the mirror with it, the day before she needed to return it.

At the time she had a couple of other dresses she had ordered to try and I couldn?t fight the urge to put them on, when she was trying them in, too. Of course only the one fit well, but it started a bigger discussion between us. We were out physically shopping for her dress in various department stores, including heels she wanted to buy and we walked by a display that had a pair of size 12s and she laughed and said those could fit, YOU! I took my shoe off, put my foot in one, stood on it for a second. Interesting.

That weekend she agreed to take some measurements and we went shopping on Amazon. She agreed to order a pair of nice 3? heels for me ( I had NEVER tried on heels before) and I have really enjoyed learning to walk in them. Also 4 dresses, 2 mid length and two longer, none being all that expensive. At the time she was reluctant to feed the beast, but was considerate to me and let me scratch my itch. They have been fun, and I have rekindled the bug. That was when I found this sight and a few ordering website and have been lurking ever since.

Well finally, here is the point of my post, assuming anyone has read this far. I have never done a wig (well, not true, my Mom had one boring one when I was a youth, that I used rarely) and actually have a fitting appointment at a local establishment that is receptive to CDs ( though certainly not their main clientele). The thing is because of COVID, they are still operating out of their house. Now I have never done makeup (again, my sister?s eye shadow as a youth once or twice, only) nor do I have the courage or strength to even THINK about going out in public. I am tall and lots of body hair, BUT I wanted to get a decent wig for home and to get professional assistance and see what I look like.

So tonight, I spilled my shared with my wife about the appointment and she kind of freaked out. She started projecting and asking what is the point? I couldn?t really give her a satisfactory answer as to why I was accelerating this all so fast when it has been out of site, out of mind for decades (to her). In reality maybe monthly to every few weeks in bursts here and there, but again only in her ill fitting clothes. She really is understanding and we have talked about CD in general a few times in the past and most recently before the big purchases. She understands it in general, but harder to accept from me, but then she feels guilty for being my buzzkill. However, this is moving too far, too fast for her.

I really want to keep the appointment, but will agree not to buy the forms, corsets, and accessories that I was planning to order on Monday. Oh yeah, the reason for all this is my son will be out of town part of this week and this weekend so I thought it was a good opportunity for me. I would be petrified for him, or any family member or neighbor or co_worker or anyone (short of the wig store owner) to find out about my cross dressing. In fact it took a LOT for me to even create an account here and make this post.

Sorry for the long story. I know it will be TLDR for most, but I had to vent somewhere. Not sure what our compromise will be, but tonight AFTER excellent marital relations (son was at work), was when I sprung my plans/purchases with her and she requested I not go forward with them and to phase back.

She is projecting where this could lead and even though I can?t really ever seeing myself passing or even blending and thus, never going out dressed, I can?t guarantee it couldn?t happen and bottom line to her if if you are always at home, what is the point of a wig or makeup. I couldn?t accurately defend that position. We are both working through our emotions and feelings as a moving target. I can?t help but feel that this site has been both a blessing and maybe a curse, realizing the big broad spectrum of CDs out there. To be clear I enjoy my life as a male and have NO desire to change that, but I do enjoy the feeling of wearing women?s clothes and how it makes me feel. I think I enjoy the trying them on and preening in front of the mirror more than anything. I typically ?finish? and immediately take everything off and put it back away, so me dressing sessions generally aren?t real long.

Boy, I have really written a novel here and have spilled my guts for a first post!

Thanks for anyone that actually read all this.

[bridget thronton]

Welcome to the forum - thanks for sharing hour post. Best advice is keep talking to your wife and try to be patient and understanding of her need to go slower. She is supporting your needs pretty well for such a recent disclosure of your need to dress as a woman.

[Kris Burton]

Thanks for sharing Mary Loo. Its a fascinating post, not long at all, and a lot of info many of us can relate to.

Two things jump out at me. The warp speed with which your interest and even female persona is emerging suggest that your inclination to dress never really waned as you grew older, but you just submerged it in deference to family. That's not a psychological evaluation, that's how it was for me. I'm a late bloomer as well, and like you the fog hit after my sons left the home. That pink fog can be a bit scary and yet exhilarating!

I think it very positive that your wife has been aware of this "new" interest from the beginning. It avoids that dangerous pattern of hiding/sneaking around, which in my opinion is more damaging to a relationship than the dressing. It's quite obvious that your family and your marriage is very important to you, and that full disclosure will help smooth things as you go. I'd say going forward be as open as you can - I know some things will be private - but mostly go slowly with your reveals. Your wife's reaction seems typical - she will be seeing you in a very different light - but it is hopeful also. She has not rejected you out of hand or recoiled. Just go slowly, give her time to adjust, and you may find she accepts your persona, and perhaps even participates with you.

And it's also good you are with the group now. Having a support group to bounce things off of and indeed enjoy will help greatly. Don't be afraid to share.

[Kellyxx]

Welcom Mary Loo. A very interesting story and one I can certainly relate to. You are lucky that your wife is accepting. Make sure you don't rush her.

[AmeeJo]

Wow! Mary Loo, we have a lot in common, except for the whole telling my wife part, Lol. Your post sparks some encouragement in me. i know I'll have to have the talk soon though and I can only pray it goes as well as yours did. I hope you and yours can come to an understanding with your CD life. Great first post!!

[ziggie]

Mary Loo - Welcome to the group. I think you will find that, while each person has a unique experience it their journey, there are enough similarities that you will find a lot of support and good suggestions. It's good that your wife knows (and has known) but, as others have said, don't scare her of with too much information/too many changes all of a sudden. Keep us posted as your story unfolds.

[TheHiddenMe]

I was basically your age as a boy to try on a dress. Almost 60 years later, the urge is still there. I fully understand your story.

I'm not a female in a guy's body, I'm a guy who likes to present female from time to time. It makes me happy to dress and see myself dressed.

Five years ago and change I walked into a Sephora for a makeover and immediately after to Nordstrom to try on dresses. The next day I went to a wig store and bought my second wig. I have found I love shopping for women's clothes and made a handful of GG friends. I would have never thought that possible. I write about my times out here on the photo board and at the link in my signature.

You have a 50 year itch you want to scratch. Probably 75% of us here are the same as you.

Good luck, hope you find your level of happiness.

[char GG]

Thank you for your post. It seems you have a very good relationship with your wife and intend to keep it that way.

The GG's here have an expression that we call the drip drip drip method wirh regards to your reveal. It goes like something this: first a dress, then the underwear, then heels, then forms, then wig, then makeup, then running all over town CDed, then... What next? Transition? That sounds like exactly what she might be thinking. "What next???????" Some advise to go slow but my advice is a little different. Think long and hard about where you are going with this and don't get caught up in the moment. Talk to her about your plans and your "end game" because I can almost guarantee you that she is thinking, where does all this lead. Have a truthful conversation about your wishes. She can't be "trained" to accept each step just because of "how slow" or fast you are moving. At some point she may suddenly snap and pronounce that it is too far.

So think and discuss all of your wishes. At this point, just my opinion, but I see you on the classic drip drip drip path.

You have crossed a hurtle many never get to by talking with your spouse and had good results so far. Best wishes to you.

[GretchenM]

Welcome to the forum. I am sure that in time you will learn a great deal here as to what to do and what not to do. Your story, in general, is a very common one; but the details are different for everyone.

It is exhilarating to have this desire to move forward quickly and, in the pink fog, it probably feels a bit like a necessity. Been there and done that. But my advice is to slow down considerably. Recognize that this is not just about you but is about at least the needs and wishes of your wife as well as your son and whoever else pops into the zone of effect from the changes and desires may have or develop. You are not abnormal or going crazy even though perhaps at times you may feel that way. A certain fairly small percentage of humans are configured this way to various degrees, but it is a behavior that in our society is still far from being normalized in the minds of most people. In other societies it is no big deal, but here it still is.

That is mostly true because in our society it is still strongly viewed that sex determines gender behavior and cross-gender behavior is contrary to what our society has believed for hundreds, even thousands of years. The biology is otherwise though. Gender is still thought of as being quite binary and that is a structural element of our society. Actually, that is not true but that is the way we operate. It is an average and those that naturally deviate from the average are usually tolerated to a degree but most do not accept that wandering. That is in a rapid and rather bumpy process of changing though. It is hard to change these deeply set traditional and stereotypical concepts with any kind of speed - the forces pushing back are very strong.

Follow, to a considerable extent, your wife's feelings and respect her boundaries. She has been quite supportive but that can turn on a dime if she feels you are forcing this on to her for your own purposes. That will lead to nowhere but trouble and potentially a lot of it. But if you take it slowly there is a good chance she can actually see that it is a different side to you that when translated into interaction with her is rather nice. But she may not go there as well. Only time will tell. It is a matter of adaptation to a new arrangement and that takes time to explore and understand. Remember that it is not likely she has any desire to wear men's clothes or behave like a man and so she has no idea what it feels like for you to be attracted to expressing this aspect that is a part of who you are. And it is hard for her to gain some kind of understanding of the how and why of this in you. She undoubtedly sees it is a newly revealed side of you, but it comes with a lot of possible consequences that could have a major impact on her. That is scary and confusing. Give her time to adapt and keep the talking going about the FEELINGS you each have and take those expressions to heart.

[SavannahVee]

Your story is so much like my own. All the advice here seems good. Let your wife know where you think the end of the line is for you. At home CD only? Maybe meeting others out of site of the public eye? Be honest with her about where you want to take things. Like Char said the drip drip drip will be on her mind. Open communication is best, don't overwhelm her. Go slow.

[Heather76]

I find your story to be quite interesting and similar to mine in some respects. My wife is not a fan of my crossdressing; however, she has accepted it so far with certain boundaries. She knows I am always underdressed. At this exact moment we are watching TV together while I'm wearing fishnets, panties, and a bralette with silicone inserts. When she goes to bed tonight, I will remain up for about another 3 hours. She knows those 3 hours I will spend with stockings, panties, a bra, breast forms, and a dress. She simply does not want to see me outwardly dressed. When I go to bed I will be wearing stockings (and maybe a garter belt or not), panties, bra, breast forms, and a nighty. She may or may not see me in the morning as we get up at different times. If she does see me, it will only be a quick glance on my way to the bathroom. I do have a wig and makeup I've dabbled with a few times. I honestly doubt she is aware of those things; but, until she's willing to see me dressed outwardly, it's of no consequence as the only time I wear the wig and makeup is when I have a dress on. The point of all this is: Her boundary is not wanting to see me outwardly dressed so I do well honoring that. Yet, I can have a bra and DD cup breast forms on under my golf shirt and all is fine with her. Will she ever say she's okay with me dressing completely in front of her? I don't know. In the meantime, I do get to dress to my heart's content several hours each and every night. You might want to make sure your wife is well aware you have no interest in transitioning and have no interest in a gay relationship. Those were 2 things I made sure my wife knew from the start. Also, one day when we saw an obvious crossdresser (dressed outwardly with no makeup and a balding head) my wife said to me, "Don't you ever dare to go out in public like that." I assured I had no desire to embarrass either her or myself. I still don't know why the pink fog enveloped me; but, it did at age 74 and after 38 years of marriage. I can't expect my wife to understand my motivations when I don't understand them. I just know I love dressing in women's clothing and am 100% at ease and at peace doing so. I would suggest you negotiate with your wife and accept the boundaries she wants with the understanding these boundaries can be revisited from time to time as she becomes more comfortable with Mary Loo. I wish you well.

[JulieC]

Mary_Loo, I read all of your post. Ok, probably took a long time to write but only a couple of minutes to read

Your situation is common one. So..

1) You have a wife who is not outright rejecting you for your crossdressing. This is a major, major, major plus. There are many spouses who could not find themselves able to do this. Count your blessings.

2) Your wife is overwhelmed. The dam has broken on your "pink fog" and you are in heaven. But, it's overwhelming her. Emotions don't speak logic, nor vice versa. She needs time and patience to digest this. This has been a lifelong thing for you. For her, it's not. Sometimes we're looking for a supportive wife when it's her that needs the support. Keep in mind; most wives have NO one to turn to other than their crossdressing husbands to help process this (there is a subforum here, "Loved Ones", for spouses..but it might be too much for her to join that and share her thoughts and emotions).

3) It might be very, very important to explain to her exactly where you are. It sounds like you have no desire to transition, that you enjoy dressing as a woman. You're still her man; a man with a twist, but still her man. I had a girlfriend who fairly freaked out about me crossdressing. I had to carefully explain to her that I had no desire to transition to being a woman and had no gay/bi-sexual tendencies, and I was still hers and hers alone. Once she understood and accepted that, it changed her outlook on my crossdressing substantially. Your mileage may vary, but it's likely important to explain to her exactly where you are.

You are in good company here, and have nothing to fear from divulging your personal thoughts and experiences here. There's lots of us here. Right now, there's 306 other people browsing this particular forum. Hundreds of us logged in RIGHT NOW. You are not alone. You are among a very supportive group.

[Geena75]

My thoughts are that you really need to take a step back to think this through and to brace yourself. Your spouse has figured that this is a little, private thing that you get a little kick out of. You have had the urge for a while and get a real rush from wearing things that fit and want to feel that way more. So, beware: you get dressed nice, in a wig and cleaned up all feminine and look at yourself in the mirror you may see something very special and spark a deep desire to develop it. Summer of 2020 I would never have dreamed that a year later I would be dressed up, wearing make-up, and venturing out, and eventually going shopping dressed in a few months. How did that happen? A lot of pink fog and self-encouragement.

Then again, you may get a negative shock. This can be a tricky time for you, as well as your spouse. Be careful.

[Pumped]

She understands it in general, but harder to accept from me, but then she feels guilty for being my buzzkill. However, this is moving too far, too fast for her.

You have the answer right there!

She is concerned where this is going. Pretty much all wives wonder if their CD'ing hubby is gay, or want to transition and become a woman. She is afraid she will lose you and you get more wrapped up in this crazy past time we all love. You can tell better how she feels, but you might cut way back and sit and talk you your wife and let her know your intentions. Let her know you lover her and don't plan on going anywhere, but you would love to go farther and dress as well as you can.

You have a good start as she has been willing to play along. I am sure it is just going a bit faster and a bit more than she expected. Perhaps when the time comes she might enjoy wig shopping with you. With my wife it seems that the more I involve her the better she feels about it all.

[alwayshave]

Mary_Loo, Welcome to the forum. You will find plenty of support here. With regards to your wife I suggest being open and honest. You may want go out dressed at some point. Initially I didn't think I would go out, but now I do regularly.

[Debbie Denier]

Welcome Mary Loo. I can identify and have shared similar experiences . You are fortunate to have the support of your wife.

[Mary Loo]

I appreciate everyone’s feedback here. I want to be clear. Yes, she knows I am not gay, nor never will be. That I have no desire to transition and that this has been a lifelong issue. However, she is projecting that this hobby will become overwhelming too fast and that yes, I will want to share or show off and end up going out in public. Yes, that scares the hell out of her AND me.

I truly never ever thought about going out in public until reading these forums. I am far too scared of the repercussions in my life (a life that I don’t really want to change). However, I have been honest to say it COULD end up a possibility even if I don’t envision it. She is more concerned about public perception family reactions and having to explain it to anyone else were it to become public. I have the exact same fears which is why I believe I can continue to suppress it to the bedroom. The issue she has is not wanting to lose me to a hobby she does not want to participate with. No different than becoming a golf widow. She doesn’t want to become a CD widow. I fully understand everything she is experiencing and where she is coming from and she understands that I understand.

However, as she stated during our further conversation yesterday, just because she understands my feelings and I understand hers, that doesn’t make it any easier. We are somewhat at an impass. However, after a lot of silence at dinner and a heavy sigh she stated, “You have to do what makes you happy. I want you to be happy”. This is not an endorsement or approval, but she is trying to come to terms with something that up until now was minor in her eyes and with no repercussions. Not to be overly sharing, but our sex life has always been good. She loves our life together and so do I. She just doesn’t want to lose me to an obsession or compulsion, especially if it truly accelerates the way she fears. I really don’t want that to happen for financial and emotional reasons, so I do want to keep it in the closet. She probably knows me better than I do myself and suspects this is just the beginning of the avalanche. I honestly hope she is wrong, but that I can continue to enjoy “my alone time”

I will try to make other posts not so long and add to my post count a little more normally, but these are interesting times. As of this moment, I haven’t canceled my Friday wig appointment, but I did agree to not purchase anything else. I really just want professional guidance and of the wig specialist and to “See” what I can look like. I told her I will try to not even buy a wig, although we both know the likelihood is that I will. My argument is this is really the safest way to experiment or try on wigs when it is only in the owner’s home instead of a public store and I can use this knowledge to search online for the color and style that I will know looks best for me. The last thing I want is a wig just for the sake of a wig. I want one only if it truly looks more natural and makes me feel better when I look in the mirror and not just see a MIAD. If the appointment proves I can’t get past that in my own mind’s eye then maybe a wig is not for me?

Thanks again for all the feedback. This is a journey and many of you have already forged the paths as diverse as they are. It is interesting to have my eyes opened to how many people and different stories there are out there. At minimum I have enjoyed reading and researching the forums and going forward maybe I will be able to contribute my own feedback.

[Paulie Birmingham]

Enjoy the ride. Soundd like it will be fun

[JulieC]

I too struggle with the "what ifs" if someone sees me whom I know. But, I also struggle with constantly being all dressed up and nowhere to go, like I'm caged. You may find similar. Suggestion; if ever you do go in public, make sure that (a) it's among lots of people where violence towards you is a very low risk, and (b) do it someplace well away from home.

[Mary Loo]

I have reviewed my thread and wanted to provide just a little more feedback.

My wife has seen me “dressed” , but not frequently. She and I are both very analytical and talkative and honestly we share everything and to the best of my knowledge truly have no secrets from each other. She truly is my soulmate and is the best thing ever to happen in my life and I couldn’t bear to lose her and have told her that many times. Even if I wanted to hide things from her I just can’t. Like the person you know that can’t keep a secret. That is the way I am with her.

She WANTS to tell me to stop, but knows that isn’t fair. I don’t WANT to stop, but would if it came to her or “Mary”. (I put that in quotes because other than coming up with a name for this forum, I have never named my fem side nor referenced this name in any way shape or form to myself or my wife.) If it came to those options, then there is NO choice. My wife wins.

Her feelings I have read here in many posts by others already (I truly enjoy reading the GG posts and the Loved Ones archives).
She isn’t a lesbian, she isn’t turned on by seeing me (our any female) in a dress. She can’t unsee that image and that isn’t who she married or loves and doesn’t want to be forced to visualize or think of me in that way. I fully comprehend all that and don’t fault her in any way and have told her she has been very understanding from the start. I think the thing I have the hardest explaining to her is the compartmentalized me’s. Okay, I will reference Mary now, is all about me and how it makes me feel and is no reflection or anything to do with my wife. Technically “Mary” was there long before my wife. Whereas I adore my wife and think she more attractive than she thinks of herself (see a theme here?)

I have read posts recently about SOs wondering when shopping who it is for. Well again, size difference. Her stuff is her stuff and I really don’t have much stuff nor have ever really bought anything in a brick and mortar store. However, that doesn’t change the fact that when we are shopping together I don’t always imagine what would I look like or feel like in said item. I advise her for her and likewise she was very helpful in the picking the single pair of heels and the few dresses for me. She has a lifetime of knowing what types of things look good on what types of bodies and though ours are different, again was very helpful. I have no desire to dress like a tart, but more cute or pretty or heaven forbid, beautiful. I look in the mirror and see my male self and think bleh. (She doesn’t). I look at myself in fem and see, hey, attractive (she doesn’t).
She looks at herself in the mirror and thinks bleh. I look at her and see my love.

We greatly enjoy spending time together and she has most definitely been my best friend for the last 30 years. We both just want to keep that going.

Thanks again for reading.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Hello Mary_Loo! ("Goodbye heart"?--as the late great Ricky Nelson sang half a dozen years before you were born!) Welcome to the board! I'm happy to see you already learned a lot just by browsing through the board in the weeks before joining, including terms like "Pink Fog" and "what is a MIAD?" which I hadn't a clue about myself before I joined. I didn't know what "DADT" was either. I kept asking myself "Whose father is this guy "Dad T."? Could it be referring to Old Father Thames in that vintage number from the 1930s, a fine British song no doubt inspired by "Old Man River" popularized a few years earlier:

Old Father Thames keeps rolling along
Down to the mighty sea.

But enough of that. Please forgive my wandering mind! Anyway thanks for the good story you wrote. Whatever the reason, it's by no means unusual for crossdressers to suddenly "break out" at any age of life and discover this irresistible urge, even if they were never aware of it before. Of course that's not true for you, since you always knew you had the urge, and congratulations for telling your wife about it early in your relationship. This honesty has undoubtedly smoothed the path for her and for you considerably.

If you're finding now that the urge is overwhelming you, that's no surprise, since you've been more or less suppressing it for so many years. We all know what happens when we try to suppress something. The urge doesn't "go away." On the contrary, it builds up, and when given a chance, it explodes all over the place in a catharsis of repressed frustration.

I dare say many of us have repressed the urge at some time over the years. I myself only dressed covertly at home as our lovely little daughter was growing older, for fear (possibly chimerical?) that seeing me dressing might "confuse" her. So I kept it under wraps, though my luckily very accepting wife always knew from the start.

But then, I always knew how FAR I was going and where I was going to stop, and I knew that decades ago. So did my wife. That might be an issue in your own marriage, which I appreciate that you're struggling with.

I do understand char_GG's remark about the problems of the "drip, drip, drip" approach to a wife; in fact I was expecting this advice. In view of this sudden breakout, your wife must be worried about how far you're going. Even though she knew long ago about your predilection for crossdressing, this breakout must be sudden, startling, and no doubt alarming to her. In all sympathy, the upshot is that you're faced with the challenge of funambulism--of tightrope walking where you're left in fear of falling off to one side or the other. If you fall off to one side by "pushing things too far," you risk frightening and alienating your wife. If you fall off to the other side by covering up, you shortchange yourself by restricting your crossdressing, but also shortchange your wife by not disclosing to her how far you really want to go. So what's a crossdresser to do? It's a delicate balancing act, and it's further complicated by the fact that you may not know yourself yet how far you want to go with this "hobby." That makes it impossible to give your wife accurate and reassuring information about it. I knew just how far I was going to go decades ago, which was not very far, but how about you, since you're still exploring?

I imagine there are a "Top Three" reasons that would worry any wife or SO with a crossdressing partner:

[indent]#1. Are you gay? Am I as a woman enough for you? Are you likely to cheat on me with male partners, with all the nasty consequences that might bring?

#2. Are you going to turn into a full time woman before my eyes? Am I going to lose the husband I married?

#3. Are you going to go out dressed in public and embarrass me in front of friends and neighbors?[/b]

Presumably your answer to #1, like mine, is a firm NO, so that's no problem. Similarly for #2, you've said you have no intention of transitioning--just as I never did. But #3 is another matter. In view of your history I wonder if you do have some transgender tendencies at least.

We're all very different here, but it seems to me that most crossdressers fall more or less into one of two categories. There are those like me who typically started crossdressing in our early teens right after puberty, driven by erotic and fetishistic urges. Some never proceed to full crossdressing. Others like myself do, and in time we find we really do have a "feminine side" and enjoy dressing for its own sake, apart from the sexual stuff. What's really happened is that the sexual urges have acted as a trigger to explore ourselves further and discover and enjoy that "feminine side."

Then there are those who started dressing in earlier childhood, including some who always felt they should have been a girl. These people are more likely to be transgender to one degree or another.

I don't mean to put everybody into boxes, and lots of people hate labels anyway. I don't mind labels myself because they've done me good. I know what I am and who I am, and the label "fetishist" suited me well in my early teens as reassurance that I wasn't some freak nobody had ever heard of before, even if it wasn't the whole story. The way I see it, masculinity and femininity form a continuous spectrum, and we can ask--as separate questions--"How strong is our masculine side?" and "How strong is our feminine side?" Speaking for myself, I'm perfectly comfortable with masculinity and enjoy it, which not everybody does; some people want to escape it at times. I just enjoy being feminine as well. So my "feminine side" is subsidiary to my "masculine side." But that isn't true for everybody, who may have a stronger "feminine side."

It's all a matter of degree. For yourself though, since you started dressing in childhood, your "feminine side" could well be quite strong, even if you're not "transgender." I don't doubt you were born with it, just as I was born with mine. It's nothing to feel bad about, which took me a long time to accept, but how far is it going to take you? Do you really know yet? Enough to tell your wife where your own limits are?

The exploration of our "feminine side" has been described as a "journey." How far will this "journey" take us? Speaking for myself, it never took me very far outside the home. I've been outside in a dress, or a skirt and blouse, just to experience the feeling of being "out there" as a woman, driving with one high-heeled foot on the gas and another on the clutch when needed, walking through a grocery store and even passing through the checkout in a skirt. A couple of times I've been out with my (luckily very supportive) wife, and also to a support group in another state we used to live in. But that's about it. It would be fun to interact socially with other people in the role of a woman, and to see how it felt. But that's beyond my reach, so it must remain forever a fantasy. More to the point, I guess I just don't have enough drive from my "feminine side" to force me to do it--unlike many of our other members here. So I largely remain closeted at home.

You may well be different from me, with a stronger urge to go out into the world and interact socially with other people as a woman/ After suppressing it for so many years, you may not know yet how far it's going to take you. This question, #3, is one you'll have to negotiate with your wife. However it turns out, I wish good luck to you and your wife on your newfound journey of discovery. Bon Voyage!

[Mary Loo]

Lori,

Thanks for the long reply. Honestly I am likely to never even make it as far as you already have. Granted, you are right in that who really knows. Though I was young it was just boredom the first time and it really wasn’t until adolescence, say 12-13 maybe later before I truly started exploring. Honestly still mostly just because I could.

The magic word I have tried to explain to my wife is “opportunity.” By this I mean when I was a teenager I had lots of opportunity and I took advantage of it. As an adult, not as much. Sort of like public. I really can’t see myself getting there, but if the right opportunity presented itself, maybe. If it never happens I will survive.

Thanks again for your sharing.

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Hi again Mary_Loo! Thanks for clarifying that incident of crossdressing when you were five or six. You raised an important point: namely, whether or not an event or factor is significant in the life of a crossdresser. Sometimes it can be--but sometimes it means nothing.

As it happens, I did put on my mother's nightdress when I was around five. Either I was off school that morning, or maybe I wasn't even in school yet; I can't remember. Anyway after my father had gone to work, I crawled into bed with my mother and we were laughing and playing together. Then she got up to do her usual chores, dressed and left the room, dropping her nightdress on the bed where I was. So after a while, I put it on. I can't say why I did it. I wouldn't say I did it out of "boredom." At this remove I can only speculate. Perhaps at the Oedipal age I wanted to feel "closer to my mother"! Still, my favorite theory is that I put it on "just because it was there!"--in the same way that mountaineers, asked why they climb a mountain, reply "Because it's there!"

But I don't recall any special feelings associated with the experience. My mother came back into the bedroom shortly afterwards, and said "Oh, I didn't know you were wearing my nightie." She expressed surprise, but that was all.

I never felt the need to repeat this experiment--not in childhood, that's to say. Teens were a totally different matter! Unlike some, I wasn't left thinking "Oh, this feels so wonderful, I've got to do it again!" It didn't strike a spark, so it never caught fire, so to speak. Not then anyway. So I attach no significance whatsoever to this incident. Curiosity and innocent random experimentation are completely natural and proper for any small child. If we conducted a survey of ordinary men, it would be interesting to know how many spontaneously tried on female clothing at some time during childhood. It could be many, yet most of them never became crossdressers. Perhaps the only reason I remember this incident is that I happen to be a crossdresser today, so it's "related" in my mind. But "related" doesn't have to mean "relevant" or "significant." My real crossdressing urge never burst out until my teens, so you and I are probably more similar than we know.

Similarly, other childhood incidents, for instance "being dressed" by others, may or may not be significant causes of later crossdressing--but that's another topic. I personally believe it was just "born in us." All the best!

[Marissa Q]

I want to be clear. Yes, she knows I am not gay, nor never will be.

While I don't question the validity of your statement, I'll simply state that the above is a virtual mantra here; yet, like most mantras evolving over time, it is often repeated in knee-jerk fashion without real examination.

Firstly, no spouse can "know" if you're gay. Contrary to romantic fiction, no human can truly "know" another and -- to compound matters -- words in most relationships are used to obfuscate rather than illuminate. Char's "drip drip" advice is solid but I think that, most of the time, the "what's next" question remains forever and it will nearly always revolve around sexuality and sexual preferences. I mean, how could it not? If one's wife suddenly decided to wear hyper-masculine attire, shaved her head in a military style, then started spending a large portion of her time shopping/researching the myriad ways of eliminating her femininity, well... her heterosexual husband would then be plagued by a similar "what's next" line of circular questioning, all centered along the very reasonable assumption that she was dressing to appeal to other women, no matter her protestations. And if things were already shaky in the bedroom and had been for years, this exact and perpetual surmise would be inevitable.

I know there are many here who will immediately jump and say that this would be "a great thing" and that they would be welcoming of their wife decisively jumping the gender line; but such a welcome would be self-serving as it would then grant an unfettered justification for one's own crossdressing. The reality is that a truly heterosexual husband would be shaken from his established moorings and there would be no coming back from that fact.

I think that a lot of us here could do with a bit of dialing back the knee-jerk behavior when it comes to defending in extremis our vaunted heterosexual preferences. In the United States at least, polls estimate that at least 15% of the male population is gay or bisexual; here at crossdressers.com, it's appears to be 1% (and I'm being generous here), a most irreconcilable paradox if there ever was one. I mean, really, girls... is it any surprise a wife's instinctual belief that homo-erotic impulses lay at the heart of dressing isn't as prevalent as it is?

I can only say this and modern science only bolsters the statement: if one's deep-seated sexuality is perpetually sublimated or repressed, that repression will sweep over everything in its path, causing incalculable and lasting damage, and that includes one's marriage. Never let a relationship be a casualty through the sin of omission.

We all recognize the oft-repeated phrase (usually out of context) from Hamlet that "the lady doth protest too much, methinks". Yet, more often than not, the lady hath good reason.