What did I miss?

[Heather76]

To begin with, I have a raging case of ADD. One of things many of us with ADD get to experience is a total lack of reading social clues and, as I like to say, an inability to read between the lines. My wife often times gets tired of having to give me a more detailed explanation of what she was trying to tell me. Well, I MISSED THIS BIG TIME.

When I came home from my VA appointment today, she asked how it went as this was my first appointment at this facility since we moved as well as my first meeting with this doctor. We discussed how it went with my medical issues (all is fine), etc. I then told her after speaking with the doctor, I met with a woman from the LGBTQ+ Care Program and I am returning there next Thursday for a Therapy Workshop. I explained the purpose of the workshop is to determine what kind of care (individual sessions, couple's sessions, group sessions) might serve me best. I told her I would probably want to have at least one individual session to get a feel for what goes on before asking her to attend a couple's sessions. She looked at me kind of funny so I told her I would hope the couple's sessions might make her more agreeable to me dressing in front of her at home.

THEN THE BOMB DROPPED!!!!!

She said, and I quote, "I've said you can dress whenever you want. You live here and it's your house, too. I just don't want you to dress when you're out with me."

I didn't say anything; but, I sure as hell don't recall ever hearing those words. I'm guessing she told me my dressing was okay using a foreign language I'm not familiar with. Actually, she may well have told me but not in such a direct manner. If she skirted the issue by alluding to the fact it was okay, then I would have not picked up on it. I really do need to be smacked between the eyes to understand what is being said. I cannot read between the lines. Anyway, this is MAJOR. And, I'm guessing the "out with me" comment means if I'm out alone and want to present Heather, that's fine. I honestly don't see introducing Heather to anyone else; but, one never knows.

Since my interest in VA LGBTQ+ Care Program was to get my wife more accepting of my dressing at home, I'm not sure how far I'll go with the program; but, I will attend the first workshop next Thursday.

BTW, I know I still have a pulse but is it possible I have actually died and gone to Heaven? To say I am ecstatic would be the understatement of the past decade.

[char GG]

Communication is key. Glad that this issue was clarified.

You may still enjoy going to the VA LGBTQ+ Care Program at least a few times to see what it's about. You may meet some like-minded people.

[Kris Burton]

Perhaps there is more to this conversation than meets the eye. Perhaps it would be wise to continue this conversation at a good time, explaining that you misunderstood, and that you are glad to hear it was OK.
Knowing this, would you still want her to go to therapy with you? I think it could only help if she was willing to do that. Could it also be she has an aversion to going to therapy abut this or anything for that matter? Questions like this, to me, seem more pressing than blaming your ADD.

[Stephanie47]

I was a little confused reading some of your previous comments. If you thought your wife did not want you dressing in front of her, I could not understand wearing a nightie, bra and forms to bed, and, under dressing all the time. Maybe, I lost the fine distinction between bedroom attire and under dressing and an outright display of wearing dress, etc. I can understand a wife not wanting to be seen with her cross dressing husband, less she is the key to others putting two and two together.

I would recommend that you keep your VA appointment to see what the VA can offer you. The VA may be a gateway to meeting other cross dressing veterans. There is certainly a lot of veterans on this site.

[Heather76]

I definitely plan on keeping my appointment at the VA. If you thought you were confused, imagine my confusion. I believe her position was clarified much better today. I was/am 100% serious when I say I often times need to have things explained to me in a straightforward and not at all vague manner. She has said in the past she didn't want to see me dressed. The fact we generally go to bed at different times and awaken at different times allowed me to go to bed in femme mode with her being exposed to it very little. It has been my understanding she just didn't want to see me sitting around in a dress or nighty. I do believe that was her initial reaction which has obviously changed. I'm still of the opinion she'd rather not see it; but, it's okay if she does. I don't plan on making her see me in dresses and nighties all the time. But, I may pick a day of the week I'll change into a dress after dinner.

And, I have no intentions whatsoever of going out in public dressed. Example: Today I drove the 4 miles to the hardware store with my bralette and forms in place. Before I got there, I took the forms out and left them in the car. When I left the store, the forms were put back in place. I do not want to go into stores and be a curiosity others might want to talk about. That is not my intent at all. I won't even wear forms to the VA as there are a lot of people there that couldn't help but notice. However, a bralette with the A cup inserts really isn't noticeable so I will have that on as I did today.

[Philippa Grace]

Sounds like you have a lot of catching up to do! This is very exciting for you, and it sounds like you have the opening to continue this conversation and really find out how she feels, what she accepts etc. The future looks exciting!

[Connie D50]

Great news Heather, I agree with Kris keep talking to her make sure you understand her boundaries. That might also help you get the most out of your LGBTQ+ Care Program. My wife would never go to Therapy with me.

[GretchenM]

Heather, I completely agree with Char and others. I am pleased that you are still going to the appointment. I did something similar when I first came out (2012) and I found the therapy, especially group, was quite helpful to me. My wife went to a separate therapist. No doors were immediately opened between us, but it laid the foundation for us finding the combination that fit us as a couple and probably saved our marriage. I still don't dress in front of her, but that is OK so long as I can do the bits and pieces method in a mild way.

My suggestion is that when discussing a matter with her and she makes a statement that seems indefinite to you, immediately ask for a more detailed explanation of that confusing point. I don't think I am ADD but I do like to have things perfectly clear when talking about things that involve agreements. My wife often assumes I know what she is talking about when I really don't understand it very well - she likes to fly through things that she understands well but are new to me. I ask her questions and she goes back and explains it. And we discuss it sometimes which tends to cement the thoughts and understanding a bit better. I don't know if this is actually a problem between you and her but I sensed in some of the ways you put things that it might be.

[kimdl93]

Too bad you missed that before, but seems like a pretty reasonable understanding.

[sometimes_miss]

I didn't say anything; but, I sure as hell don't recall ever hearing those words.

As per Barbara and Allan Pease, men speak in direct language, and women speak in indirect language. The eventual give away was when I confronted a woman I was having an argument with about something she insisted she had told me, and I, too, said I don't remember ever hearing that from her. And then it came out: 'Well, maybe I didn't say it in so many words, but you should have understood that that's what I meant'.
And there we go. All those times when she thought she was being quite clear about something, very likely I never knew it at all, because it wasn't being said in the way that I as a man, was accustomed to hearing it.

We often make mistakes when speaking with others, and the interpretation just gets mixed up because of how we communicate. If you want to learn more, pick up one of the Pease's books on the differences between men and women. It's fascinating reading.

[April Rose]

I am feelin' ya, Heather. I haven't been formally diagnosed as ADD but my son has, and I am told it runs in families. I started reading about it because of my son and didn't have to go too far before I realized, Oh, THAT sounds familiar....

I hope your wife is clued into your ADD. It won't hurt to remind her that you sometimes need things repeated. It helps to have an ally.

[Heather76]

April, you are wise to check out whether or not you have ADD. When I was diagnosed (at age 59) it brought so much of my life into perspective. Of course, there's nothing I could do about the past; but, I've been able to resolve the worst of the effects since then. In my case, impulsive behavior was my Achillies Tendon. I've been on medication since December, 2004, that has 100% resolved that issue. I like to say what I used to react to in 3 seconds now might take me 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 month, or even 3 years to react to. My wife very definitely knows I have ADD. In fact, she had to fill out an assessment as part of what was used to diagnose it for me. If I ever go 2 or 3 days without taking the meds (very rare occurrence), she will ask me if I've missed taking them. She knows.

We often times have conversations about me wanting more clarity when she tells me she's told me something and I have no recollection of hearing it. I'm certain there are times I didn't understand, times I didn't pay attention, and times I've forgotten.

Another thing that came to mind reading some of the responses is I wouldn't be at all surprised if some of my posts do not go into sufficient detail. I may well think I'm getting the message across, but I may be wrong in thinking so. Regardless, all is great here at home. Even though I know Heather can now dress in front of my wife, I've not yet done so other than going to bed in my nighties. Walking into the family room in a dress will require me to muster up a bit more courage. I suspect before I do so I'll pose the following to my wife: "Would you have an objection if I put on one of my dresses to relax in for the next hour or so before you go bed?"

[Debbie Denier]

I would ask your wife if its ok to dress before proceeding on each occasion you decide to dress. Nothing worse than surprising her by appearing dressed unexpectedly. That could change her mind. I used to dress at my mothers. I always asked before. So not to shock and to ensure no unexpected visitors turn up . It was fine. Your wife will then get used to it and not bat an eyelid.Good luck with managing your ADD.(ADHD) in the UK.

[DeeDee67]

For my situation, my wife doesn't look twice when I just dress or even when I wear a bra and homemade sock breasts. She doesn't even mind me wearing makeup, but putting them together not so much. I usually try to tell her before she comes home that Dee Dee is in full mode so she is not caught off guard. I usually try to get the makeup off but sometimes I just enjoy it so much I forget about the time. And I'm like you Heather, my wife goes to bed pretty early and I've always been a night owl. I try to respect her wishes and will wait until she's asleep before putting on a night gown or cami set.

[Heather76]

Had quite an interesting day today. My wife left home about 10 am on a 3 hour (or so) shopping trip. She knows full well I'll be CDing while she's gone. About noon I sent her a text. Knowing where she was going and what she was shopping for, I knew she would want my help bringing things in from the back of her SUV. The text I sent: "Please call me when you're about 10 minutes from home so I can change clothes to come help carry in all your shopping goods." To access the back of the SUV the garage door must remain open and we don't care to advertise my CDing in the daylight. She did call. After we brought everything in she mentioned she had purchased 2 pairs of skorts, 2 capris, and a summer dress. Usually she will pull things out and show me; but, I had to head out on a few errands. When I returned I asked to see what she had purchased. The bag of clothes was still on the dining room table so I opened it up and pulled out the skorts. I told her which color I liked best but complimented her on both pairs. It was then she said, with a twinkle in her eyes, "I'm getting worried that you're more interested in my clothes than I am." I hugged her, gave her a kiss, and told her, "Don't worry. You're not my size. Your clothes are too small for me." Then I pulled out the summer dress and held it up to her and told her how nice it will look on her. Then I said, "I don't suppose you got one for me, too. Well, of course not, you don't know my size. If you ever want to buy me anything, I'll be happy to give you my sizes." Her reply, "Not yet. I don't need to know."

It was an absolutely light and happy conversation with no undertones/overtones whatsoever.

This morning when I woke up, she was in the family room as she had gotten out of bed and showered already. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and went to the family room still in my nighty, panties, stockings, bra, and forms. I leaned over her as she turned her head up for a good morning kiss. I feel 100% normal wearing my femme attire and I almost think she is viewing it as normal for me but still not a normal thing for men to do. I would agree with that viewpoint.

Anyway, throughout the day, dinner, and evening, I made sure (as I try to do every day) to tell her repeatedly how much I love her, how lucky I am to have her as my wife, and how happy she makes me. Since we've moved last fall, I've told her several times how much I truly like our lives here. She always agrees that she is happier than she ever thought she would be. Bottom line: Things are going great in our household.

[JulieC]

That's awesome Heather!

[Rhonda Darling]

From Heather’s OP.

“She said, and I quote, "I've said you can dress whenever you want. You live here and it's your house, too. I just don't want you to dress when you're out with me."”

QUICK! Find a Notary, have her statement reduced to writing in the form of a sworn statement as to what she said to you - exactly - include date, time and place, and have her sign it, have it notarized, and have certified copies sent to several CDs you know. A statement like that must have some permanence.

End light hearted humor.
Best,
Rhonda

[Heather76]

Love the humor, Rhonda. Knowing her, she would sign it and remind me I have to observe the part about not dressing when with her in public.

[Linda K.]

I am not so sure this is related to ADD. I don't know what your wife's speech pattern is like but it is very easy, when listening to someone talk, to miss the operative word. In the quote you mentioned, you highlighted the word "out" and you seem to think that is the operative word in the sentence. However, I think the operative words are "with me" in this case. It doesn't seem like your wife has an issue with you actually being out in public as Heather, only she doesn't want to be "with" you when you are Heather. It is too easy to miss those little words that make a big difference in interpretation!