My Mistake

[britskye]

It's been a difficult few days.

Sunday morning my wife told me she didn't like seeing me in my nightgowns and that it was a turnoff. It was the first time we'd discussed anything about my dressing since the end of 2021. At that time, she wanted to pretend that the discussion about this side of me never happened. I mistakenly chose to accept that as I could sleep in my nightgowns and that was as far as it could go. Which I was ok with. Of course, I clearly misinterpreted her statement and chose to find a loophole.

The rest of Sunday was tied up in 'where do we go from here' discussions. The bottom line is, my nightgowns are gone and Brittany Skye is relegated to a small corner of my brain for the remainder of time.

I'm probably over-simplifying yet again, but I firmly believe that my wife would have never accepted me dressing en femme, so getting to this point now is probably for the best. I'm sure the longer I would have gone, the more daring I would have been and the desire for more would have continued to grow along with it.

I appreciate all the advice I've received on this site. Some of it I took quickly, others I should have listened more closely and been slower about my dressing. I intend to make occasional appearances on this site and wish all you ladies the best for your worlds.

[char GG]

I realize it's not what you wanted to hear, but communication is good. At least you know where you both stand regarding crossdressing.

[AngelaYVR]

And plus one for the parking lot crew.

[DianeT]

Brit that seems like an all or nothing case. I can totally understand that seeing you dressed is a turn off for your wife, since the mere idea of it without ever having seen me is already a total turn off for mine (can't argue with that. It would be for me too if the situation was reversed). But isn't there a possible arrangement where you could dress, once in a while, in agreement with your wife but out of her view?

[Stephanie47]

Going back and rereading your posts I think you were guilty of wishful thinking. When husband and wife skirt around the issue, each seem to interpret the conversation in his or her own light. Just because your wife did not unload on you, as in the post of donning her bra as a prank, does not confer any acceptance or tolerance. There's a lot of misinformation out there about "us." If a wife states she has zero interest in her husband's cross dressing and finds it repulsive then trying to creep it along is like trying to push a wet noodle across the table. Ain't happening.

Now, there is a cost of pay. How long will the husband suppress his needs? Will his wife ever forget his admissions? IMHO, there will be words unsaid. Discussions never to be had. Good luck to you and your wife.

[Geena75]

On the positive side, it is better to know than to guess and be wrong. It is probably good to step away for a bit for the time being. Time will tell, as they say. You may find out more of how the spouse feels, and, possibly, how you really feel. Take your time.

[Dutchess]

Actually , due to the ranching/equine background I came from I know many people in your region and have actually been worried about your safety since you joined..who knows, maybe you live in downtown Omaha in an artists loft ..
Still though you live in an area where the culture and the people who live there and like it aren't going to like this and you MUST be careful. Do not ever assume anything...

I hope first and foremost that you are being calm about this because I can feel the drama leap off your post and that will help nothing next you can back up and step up your masculine dressing game to one that is much more androgynous colorful and artistic( there are several here who do this ) and tolerable for your wife. She may never like full on dressing though and this is why its so important to discuss this before marriage. Do take your time and step back especially if you feel like you might lose control. Focus on your relationship for awhile.

[britskye]

For what it's worth, the discussion over the weekend was very calm. I knew the moment she told me she couldn't see me like that and that she was turned off, the only place i could go was apologetic and attentive to her opinions.she asked if i was mad at her and i told her i had no right to be mad at her for something i basically sprung on her after being together over 18 years. i agreed with most of what she said and told her i understood everything she felt. I tried to eliminate her concerns over this meaning i'm gay and the other misconceptions in a calm, casual way, knowing it wasn't going to do anything to make her feel better about it.

it's most definitely an all or nothing. her stance is she doesn't even want to consider me en femme. I think even having the discussion to be honest and see if i could dress when she was not around, would force her to consider me dressing and thus bring up the notion that she may see me again.

i was 150% wishful thinking and realize that now. my brain wanted to believe that she'd be okay with it even though the signs clearly indicated that was foolish to believe

she and i fully support the LGBTQ+, but she's made it very clear that me being any part of that will end our relationship as husband/wife. initially she told me that if this was what i needed to do for myself, we could still be friends. After this weekend's events, I don't believe that to be true.

We are still talking and conversing as normal as we. can considering what happened. i believe we'll be able to make it work. i don't think i have to walk on egg shells, but i clearly need to be more attentive to her needs to keep us together.

she (and our kids) are and always have been the only things that truly matter to me.

[JulieC]

Brit, this is hard. Very hard. It's exceptionally brave of you to accept her terms with such equanimity and focus on your relationship with her. It is extremely laudable for you to do so.

However, you have to understand something. This isn't a hobby of yours she dislikes which you can replace with another, less offensive, hobby. It's not like you can stop going fishing and replace it with getting into bird watching. Based on a post of yours that indicated you have been crossdressing since you were young, it appears that this isn't a passing fancy. Granted, I know virtually nothing about you. This isn't me concluding things about you, but passing a warning to you, which I am laying the grounds for. Assuming this isn't a passing fancy, this is part of you. it is who you are. You can't change it any more than you can change your eye color or blood type. Repressing it is possible in the short term. If the posts of many people on this forum over time are any indication, repressing it permanently is fraught with a number of difficulties. Not least of these is significant, negative psychological consequences. Being brave in the near term is one thing. Figuring out a plan for how to adapt to this reality is going to be crucial for your long term happiness, and thus the longer term happiness of your family.

Granted, there's confirmation bias in that the vast majority of people on this forum are people who haven't been able to successfully suppress over the long term. I doubt it, but it's quite possible there's a large population of crossdressers who have been able to successfully suppress it. But consider; regardless of what the balance between such disparate populations are, there is a very, very real chance you will not be able to suppress this over the long term. You need a plan. It doesn't have to be one you figure out right now, but it does have to be considered further down the road. I'm not suggesting anything in that plan; that's uniquely yours.

[britskye]

Julie, you're 100% correct. and this was another part of our discussion over the weekend. i could not tell her that it would never happen again. i did tell her i would get rid of what I had. For her part, she struggled with "forcing" me to get rid of everything and not wanting to be that wife. So i took the decision out of her hands and made the it for her. had it not been for this site and my brief experience reading others posts and suggestions, i'm fairly certain i would've caused more damage to our relationship over the weekend. instead, the advice and tips i've absorbed here kept me calm and understanding of her position. for that i thank everyone here

I know this is part of me and told her as much. will brittany reappear some day? probably. when and how? i have no idea. my hope is that i can find a way to express my feminine side in a way that she can accept. as you correctly noted, this has been a fancy of mine off and on (mostly off) for the better part of 3 decades. this was the longest i'd gone with regular dressing and that was in a very light, mostly hidden way. i enjoyed every second of it and already miss it. but i also know that i would miss my kids more than i miss brittany.

For now, visiting this site will suffice as my outlet. i'm hoping that this site becomes somewhat therapeutic for me, and maybe brittany can live on in a digital world so to speak.

i believe that in time, i'll find an acceptable way to let my feminine side out. i'm trying not to fool myself into believing she'll someday be ok with me dressing, but i do believe in her heart she may accept some form of feminine-ness from me in the future on a low scale, much as she has in the past. for now, i will be as "masculine" as i've always been, conducting myself much the same as i have over the time i've been with her.

[GretchenM]

It is a hard choice you have made, but I think you have a reasonably good attitude toward it and are seeking a new path that is kind of circling around to what fits the expectations. That is not bad, so long as you can maintain it. I really have no knowledge of your deeper self and personality and so it is hard to draw any thoughts about what kind of speed bumps are ahead.

Not everybody who does this behavior does it for the same reasons or the same biological motivations or influences. But those who are driven by a real internal need almost never stay away. It may take weeks, months, or even years. But it does come back IF it is a part of your biology. But if it is truly a choice it can be un-chosen. How can you tell? Nobody has figured that out. That said, those kind of people seem to be rare because there needs to be some kind of initiation of the behavior and that trigger turns on biological factors that influence the person's behavior. Those factors seem to accept being put on hold for some period of time, but apparently they can't be turned off or eliminated. That leads us to the conclusion that perhaps part of this behavior is a genetic predisposition. Is it? I have no idea and nobody else does either for sure - it needs evidence.

I wish you the best in your journey and do drop in once in awhile and let us know how it is going. Not many make the choice you have made because they really can't. If you are successful let us know - it could be contain something that provides a clue to where this behavior comes from.

[Paulie Birmingham]

Britskye,

Good luck with your life. If you decide to stop dressing, there are there more sites out there are more supportive

If someone wants to give up drinking, they dont keep going back to bourbon tasting website

[kimdl93]

Its a tough situation. Some compensation may be found in the thought that the corner of your brain is really a limitless universe.

[Debbie Denier]

I sympathise with you Britskye. My wife had a similar reaction to yours . She was distraught and insisted I get rid if everything. I complied as like you the marriage and kids were more important to me.I think realistically it had to be done The alternative for me would be living alone without my family. That would not be for me,