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Thread: I messed up

  1. #1
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    I messed up

    ........
    Last edited by laurie103; 04-01-2022 at 03:39 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Oh my - this seems to be one of those worst case scenarios we discussed in an earlier thread. You've got to come completely clean now, explaining as best you can and as honestly as you can. From what I see and have read, the deception - or perception of deception - is the hardest thing for most SOs to digest. I'd say keep the communication open, don't let that slip away, but let her take the lead. Answer all questions honestly. Try real hard to avoid anger. I'd also suggest couples counseling if she is willing.

    Could it be that she was also angry that you got so hammered in the middle of the day that you passed out? That might be worth talking about as well.

  3. #3
    Member TAG's Avatar
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    I agree with Kris.
    One good thing about this you don't have to come out now.

    Kind of why I quit drinking I was doing things that got me in trouble far too often.
    Last edited by Di; 03-26-2022 at 08:58 PM.

  4. #4
    Member Marissa Q's Avatar
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    Laurie: TAG and Kris Burton are both right on every count.

    I'd also like to add that -- despite the dramatic impact -- try to stay on an even keel and not let depression take over. You should also immediately take stock of your marriage in general; if you have numerous, extant problems in it (e.g., infidelity, lack of intimacy, addictions), make certain you don't shy away from them because your wife certainly (and rightly) won't. Stay honest with yourself and it will pay dividends in whatever your future brings.

  5. #5
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Laurie,

    You can only give it time and see if things can be recovered once the shock has drained away.

    Yours is also a salutary tale that it's not a good idea to mix dressing with drinking that others can learn from. The "Dutch courage" before going out is something to be avoided. You need your wits about you.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  6. #6
    New Member Femi9's Avatar
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    Laurie, try to explain that you're still the same person that she fell in love with. Nothing has changed but this is something which is a part of who you are, but found it so difficult to tell her because you have bottled it up for a long time and had nobody to talk to.
    I wish the two of you all the best and hope she can come to terms with it once the initial shock has faded. X

  7. #7
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Well just do what you should have done before . Tell the truth, explain, make her understand and do not say you will stop.although you think saying that will help down the line when you dress she will think you lied again.
    As hard as it is be truthful it will be best . And read the post above by Femi9 …..great advice.
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  8. #8
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Laurie, I forgive u!

    Now, I hope she does!?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  9. #9
    Silver Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    That's why honesty is the best policy. You can't get caught in a lie if you don't lie. JMHO.

    Good luck.
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  10. #10
    Member Mary Loo's Avatar
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    Wow, I feel for you. Best of luck. Communication and honesty will serve you as well as anything. Sending good wishes.

  11. #11
    🙊🙈🙉 Patience's Avatar
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    Hold on....

    It's not that I don't feel sorry for your problem, but you were aware that you were crossdressed while you were drinking - and you allowed yourself to fall asleep that way. Maybe you secretly wanted to be found?

    I do not know you and cannot tell from this one event if you have a drinking problem, but maybe you did that so you could be found out? In any case, at this point, honesty and maybe some counseling may be in order.
    When haters hate, I celebrate!

  12. #12
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear about this, for anyone it's always about the deception instead of looking at he big picture. Its like you coming home and finding your wife in bed crashed out drunk with another man. The biggest problem would be the lying that she did something behind your back and broke the honesty bond. The problem with me giving advice is I don't know you and your wife and what type of relationship you have, if it's a strong marriage or not or is this another nail in the coffin. If you do have a good communication relationship I believe you should put all your cards on the table and don't hold back on anything. When I told my wife my honestly was if she wanted me to stop it wasn't going to happen and that we better end it, but if she was able to except and we find a happy medium that we can both live with it we can move forward. My only advice to you is see what card she plays next and try not to make it go pretend it didn't happen and face it full honestly
    Last edited by Maria 60; 03-27-2022 at 06:07 AM.

  13. #13
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Di is right - you have to come completely clean and tell the truth about it all, past and present, from here on. Should have been doing that in the first place, but most of us don't. We pay a high price for that - just don't do it. Kris is also right. I could say what they say except they said it first so credit is given where credit is due. You need to recognize the error of the deception. It will be a very bumpy road for awhile. And don't be afraid to go to a couples counselor for professional help.

  14. #14
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    Agreed that you must come completely clean now and consider counseling. I would also like to ask about drinking till you pass out?is this something you need to discuss with a counselor as well?

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    I would also like to ask about drinking till you pass out?is this something you need to discuss with a counselor as well?
    I agree here wholeheartedly. The focus of the forum is on crossdressing and you got busted BUT getting passout drunk is a MAJOR flashing red warning sign.

  16. #16
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    You have to talk to her.
    You have to be open and honest.
    That's about all you can do.
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  17. #17
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    If you drink to the extent of passing out, that is a problem in itself that needs to be addressed. Hopefully, that is not a regular occurrence en femme or otherwise. Obviously, the cross dressing has been exposed. You're going to be caught up in the conversation of "lying by omission." All I can say, is don't compound the situation by giving your wife some BS. From my personal experience with my wife four plus decades ago, I told her, "I do not know why I do what I do!" That is totally different than telling her how it made me feel when I was doing it. One of the women on this forum once posted that the lying by omission denied the woman the ability to choose. Hope you can repair your marriage.

  18. #18
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    I looked over some of your past posts and there are several that have to do with drinking and both of you drinking whiskey and having words..
    You need to make sure everyone is straight when you do talk about this..

    I agree totally you need to be honest and get this out on the table but I really would not do that today..discussing "your needs" after her world has just crashed and alcohol is involved is probably not the best thing..Id let things cool off and if need be make sure BOTH of you are sober..whiskey drunk can get dangerous.
    Last edited by Dutchess; 03-27-2022 at 05:00 PM.
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  19. #19
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    Passed out drunk by urself in middle of day raises many red flags. I know alcohol ruins many relationships. Need to focus on that immediately

  20. #20
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Femi9 View Post
    Laurie, try to explain that you're still the same person that she fell in love with.
    I don't know if this line worked for someone, but it didn't for me. I'm afraid you are not the same person she fell in love with, since she only knew part of this person.
    Laurie, like others said. Be 100% honest, this is your best chance at restoring the trust that has been broken.

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