Grieving for a life I never had

[JennyMay]

I think I had a bit of an insight a few days ago and I wonder if it is relevant to anyone else out there.

I first put on female clothes t the age of 9 or 10 and I guess I may have been drawn to them much earlier. I’m also neuro-diverse (DCD & possible ASD). Being in my 60’s now, none of these things were acceptable when I was a child. I don’t know how much my parents knew but I recall how, when I first got a steady girlfriend, my father told me how relieved he was because he had thought I was going to “let my family down” (let the reader understand). Meanwhile at school I was called lazy and constantly told I “could do better” and “must try harder”. I was beaten at home and bullied at school and never felt safe.

All my life I’ve suffered from anxiety and been afraid.

When I was in my early 20’s I discovered I had an extremely high IQ.

A few days ago I realised that part of the fear and anxiety I am carrying is, in fact, grief. Grief for a life I could have had (perhaps should have had) but never did. I can’t help thinking that had I been born today I would have received so much more understanding. I’d have been diagnosed young instead of much later and given the help at school I needed to thrive. I could have gone to university. I could have been bought clothes, dressed at home, maybe even transitioned.

In fact my life today is good. I love my wife and she loves me. She knows all about me and accepts and supports me fully. I am grateful for the life I have now. But I still grieve for the life (perhaps the fantasy of a life) I could have had. Does anyone understand this?

[Julia1984]

Yes! Completely. Add a good sprinkling of Impostor Syndrome for good measure, and take away the domestic abuse, and that's a pretty good fit.

[Annajose]

Sometimes I do the same, thinking how my life would have been if…. Reality is, is a waste of time, the past is what brought us here, I fantasize about how my life would be today if I have accepted this part of me much younger, that probably would result in me no marrying the woman I love, not having my daughters, I know life is not perfect, but there are no guarantees tha a different life would be perfect! Enjoy what you have, be happy!

[MonicaPVD]

To varying degrees, we all have given a lot of thought to what could have been. Unfortunately for us, there is no opportunity to go back for a re-do. It's easy and dangerous to get caught in the past and feel sorrow or regret. Every day that you open your eyes in the morning is a new opportunity that millions of people won't have. Every day you are writing your history and making memories - as well as mistakes. I often wonder what could have been, what if I had come out of the closet, transitioned, or won 100 million US in the lottery? Well, none of those happened and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

[Kris Burton]

I absolutely do JennyMay. My situation, was brought about by social anxiety, which caused all manner problems dealing in interpersonal situations. The more I tried the worse it got, very bullied. I was never abused at home but not really understood either. Put any sort of pressure on me, and I would crumble. I found out late I also had OCD, which added to my overall outward appearance of quirkiness. And again, in the 60s I was just a weird kid.

For many years, even though I caught a break when I met my wife, I found I was in a constant state of rumination over what could have been had I been able to conquer my social fears earlier. One therapist identified it as grief. Another theorized it was an outgrowth of the OCD. Either way, at quiet times that was where my mind went. Even though i was happy with how my life turned out, I had deep regret for what I missed.

It is interesting though that since I started dressing actively, so much of these thoughts have been lifted. I do not understand why, but I'm not going to try to analyze - I feel good and much happier overall. It seems to fill a void in my psyche and I am not going to try to understand...just enjoy!

[kimdl93]

I like to think that I understand. Mine perspective on the past is sort of the mirror image. I waste far too much time regretting my mistakes, rather than contemplating what-ifs. I suppose neither activity is particulary helpful.

[char GG]

I think this probably happens to everyone, not just CDers, those with a gender bend, or those who didn't have the resources when they were younger that they have today. There is always that "what if?", or "I should have" nagging in our brains. Sometimes we do what we have to do to survive but can't change the past. Those who are happy with their lives have learned to accept the choices they made when they were younger and go forward. Those who dwell on their presumed fantasy life never truly seem to be happy.

So yes, JennyMay, I understand. You say you are grateful for the life that you have now but wonder "what if". I hope you continue to just be grateful and don't dwell on the "what if".

[JennyMay]

Please don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t change where I am now for the world. I really am grateful for the life I have. I think I was just correctly identifying the feeling I was having. It was grief, not wishful thinking or regret. C.S. Lewis wrote something like, No one ever told me grief felt so much like fear. In fact, once I had recognised what the feeling was it felt far less intense. Naming it is, I think, a start to dealing with it.

[April Rose]

I think I have an inkling of where you are coming from, Jenny. Acquiring self knowledge is a lifelong process, and as such it is going to be accompanied by doubt and fear and regret. In my own life I think I am discovering that ADHD may be more of a problem to me than my gender identity. I didn't even have a clue about it until my son was diagnosed with it. Then I started reading about it and very quickly realized; "oh....THAT sounds familiar....

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Jenny,

I definitely have the same feelings and could easily follow my thoughts down that rabbit hole so I try to not let them dominate my thoughts. I just try to be grateful for all of the good things that have happened and continue to happen to me in life.

Elizabeth

[docrobbysherry]

I have only experienced grief when I've lost loved ones and close friends, Jenny. And, I don't waste time wondering about "woulda, shoulda, coulda's".

I guess I'm too busy planning Sherry's next big adventure? Maybe when I'm old I'll have more time for introspection.

But, I won't be 80 until next year!

[Stephanie47]

I do understand what you are expressing. I grew up in the shadow of my older brother who is 15 months older. I rebelled and paid the price for it as far as punishment went. The big issue for me was the thought my desire to wear my mother's clothing on occasion labeled me as a homosexual. It was totally confusing. How could a teenager lust after girls in the neighborhood and at school, but also have a desire to wear women's clothing. My parents were homophobic, as well as all of society. That could literally be the kiss of death. The only thing that would be different now is access to a wider world through the internet. Legally, there may be more protection for sexual minority groups, but, otherwise I am not too sure. I think gays and lesbians can be out of the closet, and, find each other. To some extent transsexuals too. But, cross dressers? I think we are still relegated to the closet. At best we may find a spouse who will share our secret.

[Jenni6521]

Jenny, I had to take a moment or two to compose myself before attempting to reply. I will soon be 57. I began dressing at a similar age. I was almost going down the rabbit hole there with much of my own story. Our experiences are very similar, instead of anxiety it was depression for me. I had a teacher in HS tell me that there was no way I could be a math teacher, because I was not smart enough. My father was worse and said why would I pay for college for a kid who can't drive a nail. So I did not go to college after graduation from HS. I now have a Master Degree. My wife knows I dress, but is not supportive and does not want to know about it. Grief is a big part of this experience for me. Until I joined this group I had no one to share my experiences with. I have those regrets and there are days when all of that stuff sneaks up on me. However, I have a great life and am grateful for the many things and I opportunities I have had. Looking forward to many more good times and memories.

[Jane G]

Yes, I can identify with much of what you say Jenny. I have never experienced, what I feel is grief, as a result though. It used to get me down and cause anxiety, sometimes, when I was younger, but not in the way loosing a loved one has. It took me until I was in my fifties to realise/except who I am. Since then life has been trouble free on the CD/trans front.

[Marissa Q]

If it's any consolation to the amazing girls in this thread, remember that for every instance of regret posited here, there are legions of crossdressers, gay men and women and transgender individuals who are living in fear of discovery even today, simply because they have no one to talk to. Despite any "what-ifs" or regret in my own mind, I'm thankful that I finally have a voice somewhere. Cherish anyone and everyone who listens and supports you, regardless of what age you are.

[Gillian Gigs]

I saw a movie, and the lead character said, "if you take could'a, would'a and should'a, and $1.00 you might be able to buy a donut!" Grief and regrets only lead to depression, there is already too many things to get depressed about.

I was born with Aspergers syndrome in a time where it was unknown. It didn't come into much understanding until the 1980's, by then I was an adult with a family. I got diagnosed just after my retirement. There is a lot of room for regrets. I had to choose to move beyond and make the best of it all.

I too was drawn to female clothes long before any sexual inklings came along. I loved the feel, sensation, and neural pulses that flooded my brain while dressed. Sexual feelings just mucked everything up after puberty came. In school I heard too often you're slacking off, you can do better, you just need to try harder. I didn't know that I had a learning disability, in my time at, it was called being lazy. In my early 20's I had this switch go off in my head and reading became easy, language made sense. I also discovered that I had a high IQ. I recognized my situation because my daughter experienced the same thing. If we only knew then, what we know now..."If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride"!

From the principles and lessons that I live by now, I have learned to forgive myself and accept myself, even in spite of myself. Bullies will not imprison me anymore, and the past is just old scars, or fond memories. I have the freedom to dress as I please, because of a loving wife. I have a good family, and I'm now grateful for the life that I have lived. You can't change the past, but we can still change our futures!

[Fiona_44]

Jenny,

"Naming it is, I think, a start to dealing with it." You are well along the path of dealing with it because you are grateful for the life you have now and wouldn't change anything. There are people who never come to those realizations and get stuck in an endless cycle of grief. That will not happen to you.

Fiona

[Aunt Kelly]

Yes, and no.
I certainly understand grieving for those years lost while living as someone other than who you really are. But we all have only the time we have left. Why not live every minute of that the way you want to?

[AmandaM]

I was that way a lot, I still am sometimes. But, it is an exercise in futility. One of the worst habits I have is seeing pretty young things and letting the thoughts hit me about how they are so lucky, wondering what their lives are like, envying their bodies and their lives, etc. That'll just depress you. Every second you dwell on the past you steal from your future. Challenge these negative thoughts. Learn to love yourself as you are. You'll never know what you can be if you don't climb the ladder out of that hole of negativity.

[Aka_Donna]

Grief is response to a loss. Can you really identify the loss? Did you actually lose anything or is the conflict between fantasy and reality?

Meghan thought she would love a royal wedding and being a princess. She loves the dream and Disney imaging, but really was she and Harry moved away and stay away. All of us have to deal with forks in the road. Every time we decide to go one way, something else disappears. In the middle ages the best goal was to be a well rounded jack of all trades with infinite knowledge and wisdom like Galileo. And then the industrial revolution hit with the counter "master of none". You can be a politican or an engineer, but not both. That's just life. Any decision is better than no decision and analysis paralysis.

Here's some interesting high lights. Suggest looking at the site.
From joincake
CAUSE
when a person believes they could have done something different, guilt sets in. They?ve created a logical cause for their loss, but the price is being flooded with guilt. This process is a reminder of how vulnerable we are as humans.

THOUGHTS
Self-talk is focused on ?what if? and ?if only? thoughts
Negative thoughts about themselves and the future because of their loss

ENDSTATE
Feeling less overwhelmed and stuck from their emotions

[rachellegsep]

April Rose, I also realised after my son was diagnosed ADHD at an early age. They said it can tend to run in to run in the family. I did the online tests from the society and realised that I ticked just about every box for ADD. That made me think back to my father and I came to the conclusion he was probably also ADD.

[Heather76]

Jenny, I understand very much what you are saying and feeling. However, in my case it has nothing to do with gender situations. In my case it has to do that ADD/ADHD was not on anybody's radar when I was a child in the 1940s and 1950s. Had a diagnosis and treatment been available then, I believe my life may well have been different. A diagnosis at age 59 (17 years ago) didn't change much for me other than to give me a better perspective of my past. I do take meds for it now that controls impulsive behaviors. What I used to react to in 3 seconds may now take me 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years to react to. Impulsivity caused a lot of issues throughout my life. Anyway, I can't relive those years so I don't spend time and effort playing the "what if" game.

[nancy58]

JennyMay,

I also go through times where I regret choices I've made. One thing to keep in mind is that the fantasy down the road not taken isn't perfect, any more than things are down the road we've come on. Another thing is that we can't go back. We can go from here and now to the future, and it will be what we make of it (subject, of course, to the things that are out of our control and the mistakes that we're going to make because we're human). For my part, I'm going to try to make the world a kinder place.

Hang in there.

[Rachelle77]

I feel the exactly the same way that you do, perhaps if I had accepted myself earlier I could've gone out and enjoyed myself when I was younger and in better shape, lol. I also feel that my crossdressing, and the inability to accept it or myself has caused a lot of anxiety and it's something that I heavily deal with on a daily basis. I don't have a partner that accepts me but I just want to say that I feel a lot like you do. I am thankful for this website that lets me know that I am not alone. My only next dream is to meet some local CD's to hang out with and find support with.

[GretchenM]

I can identify readily with what you are saying. I look back and I see so many points where, in retrospect, I can "see" I probably should have gone in one of the other directions than the one I chose. That recognition does create grief. But the fact is, when those options are available we cannot know which one is "right" or "best." Those choices are not random things that pop up in the road without warning, but they are all founded in something about a fit between our personality and what we think the choice might provide if taken. Fortunately, it is often possible to jump over to a different path or time-line even after a choice is made but the result is not often the same as that which would be the case if that alternative choice had been taken when first apparent. In fact, grieving those "mistakes" (they often are not really mistakes but well considered choices at the time the option is presented) can be detrimental because it creates a deep sense of loss which can lead to a deep, subconscious feeling of failure that can eat at you like a moth caterpillar eating away the wool in your favorite sweater that eventually produces a hole in the fabric.

I think you have handled the grief of opportunities not taken quite well as your life today is pretty good. But like me you have these questions bouncing around in your brain that sometimes trigger the irrational cognitive thinking associated with "what-if" questions that sometimes possess our thinking. What-if thinking is great if you are a scientist or engineer and many other professions as well. But what-if thinking in our personal lives can lead to runaway depression associated with that irrational thinking and the longing for what might have been.

The fact is, if we had taken that other path it is possible that 3 days later we would have been killed by getting run over by a bus. But we avoided that fate by choosing a different path. Of course, this example is quite absurd but it does show that because the future is unpredictable there is no way to know if any of those other paths would have actually been better. What if thinking is a very useful tool, but it is a double-edged sword that can also be dangerous if allowed to run freely. I have managed to rid myself of most of that grief and its consequences by living as much as possible in the present and realizing that at every moment we theoretically have an infinite number of choices. If one chooses one of the options that is most compatible with your direction now it is most likely to be a comfortable fit, but sometimes choosing another similar option that is not quite as comfortable can lead to new discoveries about yourself that are really good. In choices we are always playing a probability game and taking risks can lead to great successes or terrible heartbreak. But grieving a choice made that turns out a bit sour is not useful unless you have a clear plan to sweeten the pot in some way that can override the probabilities.