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Thread: The Highs and Lows of Transitioning

  1. #1
    I'm finally me; I'm free. LisaMarieDayton's Avatar
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    The Highs and Lows of Transitioning

    So on one hand things are great. I've stopped living a lie and I'm finally living an authentic life. I have several close friends that have accepted me. I'm lucky enough to have an employer that accepts my identity. It took a while, but my parents finally came around to accepting me and now consider me their daughter. I'm engaged to a wonderful cis woman who sees the real me and loves me. I've been on HRT for two years now. I've undergone a legal name change and gender change for my state and federal documents. I've been living full-time as Lisa for 15 months and I'm in the beginning process for scheduling my surgeries. Three years ago if you told me this is where I would be I would've called you a liar. I cannot believe how well and lucky things have gone for me.

    On the other hand things aren't so great. I did lose a couple friends after I came out, but admit they really weren't my friends anyway. I do have some people that I have remained friends with, but we are not as close as we used to be. My brother, my sister, and my entire extended family (with the exception of one aunt) has disowned me. I do have to say thanks to my ex-wife of 23 years to blind siding me with the divorce. If it wasn't for her I never would've become my true self, but I did lose someone that I loved very deeply. I lost my dream home and my financial lifestyle. While I was far from being rich, I lived very comfortably. But what pains me the most is my kids.

    I have a 20-year-old daughter who is a lesbian, a 17-year-old son who is bisexual, and a 17-year-old daughter that is straight. As much as I've tried to teach them unconditional love and acceptance of all peoples, they have rejected me. They haven't cut me out of their lives but all three of them very recently made it very clear they only see me because they have to; not because they want to. They say I ruined their lives because I transitioned. I tried telling them that I did not choose to be born this way; like they did not choose their sexual orientation. They disagree with gender identity being a choice, but even if my gender identity isn't a choice transitioning is. I should not have become Lisa. My youngest two are supposed to see me every Monday and every other weekend. They told me they don't want to come over at all anymore. They said they will see me when they choose to see me and not to be surprised if it is a very long time. I am a very selfish person according to them. My oldest is a little bit more tolerable of me and will still talk to me on the phone occasionally, but does not support my transition.

    I feel very broken. I just don't understand my kids. This is 2022 and they are living like this is the 90s. I've raised them to accept everybody. They argue they do accept everybody but they will not accept me. They flat out said its okay for other people be transgender but is not okay for their dad to be transgender. I cant help wondering how they would feel if I was one of those parents that rejected their kids for being lesbian or bisexual. I would like to think that someday they will realize they were wrong with the way they treated me, but fear as they get older they will see that their dad abandoned them. They won't see all the times I was there for them even after I transitioned. I picked them up when they were upset their mom was doing drugs and did not want to be around it. I took a week off unpaid to be with my youngest daughter when she was sick in the hospital. I picked up my son when he was upset his mother was out having sex with a stranger all night leaving him home alone. They don't see all the things I bought for them including medicines, food, games and junk even when I did not have the money to do so. They say they feel betrayed by me, but I feel as the one that has been betrayed. As much as they have hurt me, my love for them will never change. It just hurts knowing that they do not want to be in my life anymore.

    Thanks for letting me get this off my heart,

    Lisa Marie
    Last edited by LisaMarieDayton; 03-29-2022 at 12:56 PM.
    "And the Day Came When the Risk to Remain Tight In a Bud Was More Painful Than the Risk It Took to Blossom."-- Anais Nin.

  2. #2
    Member Ann Louise's Avatar
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    Sadly, my transition, though seemingly going without personal losses for some years, has resulted in the drift and discontinuance of what I thought were many close friends, and yes, the loss of my young-adult children from my life also. I wish I could report better circumstances, and of course, your mileage may vary, but the best advice I can give is to do as deep a personal introspection as you can regarding why you're transitioning (i.e., not just "GD"), and what you are hoping to achieve in very specific terms. Transition does not equal happiness. Happiness is something you have a right to have, a bedrock purpose in and for your entire life. It is a parallel phenomena, not sequential. It is not found in the past, nor dreams of the future from the past. And the future? It's not here yet, and it can be altered in a heartbeat any day of the week, regardless of your external gender expression.

    A transitioner WILL lose a great deal, the extent of which cannot be truly foreseen, but if you step forward with the mindset that you are simply (and finally) living an authentic life, YOUR life, you should be able to weather the storm. But a storm it is, and a rough one at that. Be prepared.
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  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Lisa, you are one of the reasons I keep checking this site! You are just starting your transition and all the deep changes that will accompany it. It took you years to just get to this point, and you have many new things ahead of you. The same is true of those who know you; family and friends. They all need time like you did. Let them have it. Be patient and kind toward yourself and your children too, what they are feeling today is not necessarily how they will in the years to come.

    I transitioned when I turned 70 years old, with five adult children and their families. It took me 50 years to accept myself, it took them about three years to really accept the new me. Some felt betrayal too in the beginning, but they changed. They now all receive me with love, spouses too, except one daughter-in-law that does not.

    I hope that I can be an encouragement to you, your story is just being written. The loss and pain you are now experiencing will pass.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member
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    Hi Lisa Marie,
    I'm feeling for you and sending hugs. It's hard what you describe. I lost very few and my lucky. My kids were younger than 8 before I transitioned and got used to me over the last 4+ years. I love my brother and get love but he refuses to use anything other than male pronouns.

  5. #5
    Member Philipa Jane's Avatar
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    Australia
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    Hello Lisa Marie.
    This is a similar tale to another lady who was on here and transitioned.
    Her son (a police officer) would not speak to her after the operation.
    Her daughter was at first supportive but was then poisoned by her mother against her.
    It is a sad state of affairs when this happens but when one transitions you need to have the mind set that you are starting a new life.
    You can never go back. We always move forward.
    You will essentially grieve for the loss of their contact and support but you must harden your heart or risk having it continually shattered.
    In most situations like this your kids are angry at loosing their father figure and will only remember the negative things in trying to hurt you.
    Nobody remembers all the good things you did for them until you die.
    I hope given time they will come to understand and accept on some level the pain and distress you have gone through to get here.


    Philipa Jane

  6. #6
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Lisa Marie, reading your words really sad me and st the same moment I feel so lucky on keeping my family almost intact except for one of my son's, the youngest one, he's pass tomorrow 35. He's a pareduc firefighter. I mention the last because heaped me to "understand" what's going on with people's rejection to MTF more than ftm.

    There's a huge unsaid but very established and rooted in our minds the figure of a male. All the things we have throughout centuries if not thousands of years about the male figure is doubled in the father.

    I know we all know what I'm talking about, a man is stronger than a woman, he's the provider and many more things that are an aberration just to be a gay man but a effeminate man, more than that aam transitioning to be a woman is so ununderstandable as is the death. As with the death of a loved one, that is something we can't understand and we need grief, our transition, in those that really love us, will take time and grief to overcome. Unfortunately, being honest, your teenager children will need more time because st the begining they will feel comfortable just being far from you but just the years of maturity that brings wisdom will make them to approach you with a different perspective.

    I would finish saying, just enjoy what you have, don't cry for you don't or lost and be there always for your lived ones.

    Time sometimes flies so slow but with perspective of years it really love fast ...
    HRT 04302018 Full time 03/2019
    Orchiectomy 06/03/2020 gender, name10/26/2020
    Electrolysis face 08/2019, genitals for GCS 06/2021
    Breast augmentation surgery 01/31/2022

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