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Thread: Does being closeted/not getting an opportunity to dress spill over in negative ways?

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    Oct 2009

    Does being closeted/not getting an opportunity to dress spill over in negative ways?

    I've had two opportunities to dress since October, and it's really impacting me at the moment. Right now in particular as the whole house has covid, so we're all isolating.

    I'm so frustrated by being stuck and unable to dress, and it's definitely impacting my eating disorder and general mood.

    I'll have to discuss this with my wife, as she understands that I am somebody who needs my space and time alone.

    Just wondering who else has negative behaviour patterns that stem from them being unable to express themselves?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Aug 2021
    New Jersey
    I think it's absolutely possible to fall into negative patterns when being kept from something which brings us peace, solace and for many of us emotional/sexual gratification. I have felt this, but I have been able to combat it by engaging in CD related activities that do not require dressing. Some of these might be reading, watching videos on the subject, reading and participating in this group and others, or reaching out to a CD friend and having a nice conversation which may or may not include CD related topics. Perhaps in the early morning hours before anyone is up you can dress at least partially, or work on/ experiment with makeup ideas. I guess what I'm saying is that if you view CDing as just dressing up fully all the time you might be setting yourself up for frustration. Creativity may be the key.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    Nation's Capital
    My wife doesn't support me at all, but she does let me go out with the girls. I just got back from 4 days at Keystone, and the DC girls have some meetups planned in the next month.

    If not, there's shopping and underdressing. It's not that hard to put on a pair of panties unnoticed. I try to do yoga once a week. I normally go to yoga wearing femme yoga pants and a femme top, often a racerback. I get a pedi regularly and wear socks all the time except at yoga class. Who know what my classmates think about the dude in pink leggings.

    My wife has been sleeping in the other room for health reason for year now, so why should I waist my time sleeping alone when I can sleep with a bra and forms?
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  4. #4
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    My Wife was OK with my dressing; as long as I did not leave the house.
    She even bought me outfits to wear. Now that she has passed away,
    still honer Her wishes. I am retired, and I dress every day at home.
    I hate the days that I must DAB to go somewhere.
    I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you can work
    something out.

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2022
    I totally understand, being fully in the closet myself. I haven't been able to fully dress since last November,and it's very frustrating for me. My work shut down a week before Christmas, so I thought I had a few days to myself as everyone else didn't finish until the 23rd, then we all tested positive, which scuppered my plans! Same happens about mid Feb when I had the house to myself but my daughters sleepover was cancelled last minute, so again no Philippa time. I haven't had the opportunity since, and it's been ages so getting very frustrated and impatient. I feel that this affects my mood, I don't feel sad, just frustrated, and my SO has asked often if there is something wrong, she knows that sometihing is bothering me.So glad you started this thread so I could vent!!��
    Last edited by Philippa Grace; 04-07-2022 at 06:41 PM.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Yes, repressing crossdressing very likely leads to negative outcomes (to varying degrees). For my part, if I don't get to CD from time to time, I start getting a bit irritable. It's controllable, but it does build up.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Going to seed!
    I do recall feeling frustrated at times when I was unable to dress. It can still be distressing, but these days I am perhaps better at distracting myself rather than dwelling on the distress. One of life's lessons I repeatedly relearn is that good and bad events happen, but I get to choose how I respond to them.

    A nice trick for managing that response is to set a limit…lets say I allow my inner voice to complain two times about not being able to dress at a particular time. Then I have to find something else to think about.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 04-08-2022 at 06:03 AM.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member krissy's Avatar
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    Oct 2005
    austin texas
    Me too it gets me sad I'm not as nice .and I don't like to clean or cook when I don't dress.when I get like that I try to put on a least while she is asleep .but when I'm cleaning I just want my clothes.

  9. #9
    Super Moderator Raychel's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
    Bangor Maine
    When I was wrestling with work and home life. And I had my mind all set for
    Raychel time that didn't happen for one reason or another.
    Yes that would definitely affect my mood,
    Working myself to death and had my mind set on an hour or two of
    down time just for me. That little bit of time would be a huge help for me
    without that, yes I did certainly get very moody.

    Now I will get times, Sometimes months that Raychel is in hiding.
    But life has changed the stress of work and home life has gone.
    and I know when I can plan on time for me.
    So there is a happy existence for both side of me.
    my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress

    "Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"

  10. #10
    Avatar is FaceAp enhanced Mary Loo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2022
    Southeast US

    Sorry you haven’t had opportunity to dress. Yes, not being able to dress or having it cut short can definitely have a negative impact, but I agree with Kris. There are lots of ways to express that side of you independent of dressing. I have gone through a bit of a change in my own attitudes and feelings in recent months and have really only just begun my dressing in any earnest. Prior I could go many weeks if not months without feeling the need or more importantly without having the opportunity and not feel bad about it, but now I think about it a lot more frequently and wish for more opportunities. My wardrobe and accessories are so small that I fairly quickly burn through them.

    I guess what I am saying is lack of “dressing” is now being replaced by this site and others and more exploring and learning, but ultimately what it really does is make me want to put to practice more things even though I likewise am trying to pump the brakes and honor my wife’s feelings of not getting carried away too fast. What therefore is happening is a bit of an internal struggle that makes me empathetic to your post. For now I am appreciating reading about others and living a little vicariously through them.

    Here’s hoping you and your family get through the isolation quickly and easily.

  11. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    12/31/2019, then Covid blew in. My wife babysat our grandson overnight so our daughter and son-in-law could attend an overnight New Year's Eve function. There were other overnight babysitting days. Since Covid it has been a dry spell. Due to medical issues my wife and I sleep apart. I am able to sleep in a bra, panty and nightgown every night. She is a late riser; 9:45 AM to watch "The View." I'm up about 7:00 AM, so I get to stay in my nightgowns pretty much from 11:30 PM to 9:30 AM. I do engage in retail therapy. My collection of nightgowns has gone from six ti thirty-six. I do wear panties under my jeans. I also buy or rather collect panties in my favorite styles of Vanity Fair panties.

    Probably I am able to weather the dry spells because a lot of the pressures and stresses of life are past me; retired, debt free, just my wife and I, sitting comfortable. My crossdressing did have a therapy component to it; alleviate war related PTSD. Therapy sessions; individual and group have given me a handle on that. However, I still have the desire to be en femme and take a long drive and a stroll in the evening. Some day.....

  12. #12
    Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
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    Jun 2019
    I had troubles when covid had us all at home and my crossdressing time virtually vanished. Ended up just playing with genderswap on FaceApp and Youcam makeup app to try to survive, and somehow the less over the top my 'looks' were on those apps the more I felt the need to try to be that way in real life, (record scratch sound effect) here I am, a year and a half or so on HRT and happier than ever.

    So no negatives from my point of view, but from the point of view of other people around me opinions may vary.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Jul 2018
    New England
    Coping with not being able to dress or even have an excuse to go out during the first year or so of covid was incredibly difficult. I actually started running and working out to burn off some of the anxiety. Since then, things have slowly returned to normal and I am able to enjoy Monica time, although not as often as before since my work situation is less demanding and requires hardly any travel. Not easy.

  14. #14
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    For me, not being able to dress used to bother me to no end shortly after I came out. But as I settled into a pattern where everything was more integrated and I developed an acceptance of small bits and pieces fulfilling the need rather than the full change being a necessity and even mandatory on a regular basis the mood changes were much milder. That said, there is still a need to go further and deeper into the expression once in awhile. And after a few missed opportunities I definitely can get a bit irritated.

    As Kris said, it is a natural thing to feel that way when deprived of something that is not just fun but essential to expressing your identity, even if it is not a public expression. But, for many of us it is much deeper than the stress caused by giving up a habit. Habits are acquired. If the activity is a part of your identity and your sense of self, deprivation can become quite serious over time.

  15. #15
    Member JennyMay's Avatar
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    Mar 2020
    East Anglia, in the UK
    I have chronic anxiety. Being able to dress helps. Not being able to dress doesn’t help

  16. #16
    I like to be pretty Joanne Curl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    The Golden State
    I too suffer not getting to be the woman inside me. This site keeps me sane. It’s literally been years since I fully dressed and went out as Joanne. Even though I’m not experiencing my female side here I’m always Joanne.

  17. #17
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    near Toronto, Ontario, Canada
    Frustrating for sure, but I am also troubled by the fact that having been closeted for so long, it has also made me more insular and less empathetic towards other peoples' issues.

    As I get older, I find myself getting less and less interested in other peoples' "drama", issues, complaints, and assorted other personal problems that they want to involve me in...especially the ones that are self-inflicted because they knowingly made the bad choices that put them into those situations. I often find it grating when I am expected to listen to their tales of woe and sympathize with them when I have to keep my own issues - particularly with regards my crossdressing - bottled up inside because...God forbid...I might cause someone distress by revealing that I am an (ewww...!) crossdresser . Of course, having been in a decades-long DADT situation with my wife has contributed much to that sense of alienation.

    I realize that this is not a good place to be mentally, and on the plus side, I long ago made peace with myself internally, accepted myself for who/what I am, and no longer feel guilty about my crossdressing. But as for figuring out my place in the world, how to fit in, and still be true to myself...well, that's still very much a work in progress and will likely never be resolved satisfactorily.

    I see myself as being the perpetual "outsider" always looking in, even if the rest of the world doesn't perceive me this way from all outward appearances.

  18. #18
    New Member Femi9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2022
    Charlotte I know how you are feeling. I'm lucky that my wife tolerates my dressing most weekends but the occasional time when something happens and all my plans go out the window and I can't get dressed, I go on a real downer for days.
    Next month, I will be working 6x12 hour shifts a week for 3 months, so she can't come out to play... I'm dreading it.

  19. #19
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    I know before my wife was accepting I would get a little "twitchy" if I didn't get a chance to dress every few days. I can't imagine dealing with a month or two in between times. I used to travel for work and really looked forward to those times, but I hated not being at home, so it was a weird deal. Glad to be able to dress, but missed being with my wife.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Nov 2019
    Southeast US
    I am pretty sure we all have different needs and reactions from not being able to dress but the short answer for me is yes, it put a lot of extra stress on me. I had posted about giving up on dressing in 2021 because I had to go a year without any chance of dressing. Fortunately, things turned around for me so sometimes you just have to have hope to see it through. When the opportunity does come up again, it is all the sweeter.


  21. #21
    Senior Member Heather76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2022
    Coastal SC
    While I know how lucky I am that my wife is accepting (not supportive), I am finding out with each thread like this how truly lucky I am. The pink fog has enveloped me slowly since I began CDing in June, 2020. Yes, in less than 2 years I've gone from wearing panties in the closet, to telling my wife in November, 2020, to now wearing what I want when I want. I always wear panties as I no longer own any other underwear. At home I wear a bra or bralette most days and most of the day. I wear bras or bralettes, forms, stockings, and nighties to bed every night. I can now sit with my wife in the mornings while we have breakfast while still in my nightwear. I have on 2 occasions worn my dresses in the evenings in the company of my wife. After she goes to bed, odds are 100% that I'm putting on a dress for a couple of hours before going to bed. She has told me she doesn't care to see me with makeup on which I assume includes a wig. Thus, that hasn't happened. While I go out by myself wearing bras/forms or bralettes/inserts, I do remove the forms before going in stores but not the inserts. With slacks on, I'm also 95% certain to have stockings on, too.

    I feel badly for those that must remain in the closet even to their wives/SO. It really is just clothing.

    Here is a part of something I found on the internet written in 2015 by Terri Lee Ryan. I've no idea who she is; but, this all makes a lot of sense to me. I wish all our wives/SO would read it, take it to heart, and let us indulge our feminine sides a bit more openly in the homes we share.
    (Moderators - I searched the posting rules, what I believe was quite thoroughly, to see if posting a portion of what may be copywrite material is a violation of posting rules. I found nothing that addresses this issue. I also don't know if this is copywrite material as it was on the internet and not in print. If it needs to be deleted, please do so.)

    Most cross-dressers would like to remain a man rather than live their life as a woman. They appear to like their dual roles and some have found partners who not only accept, but embrace their dual gender life. It appears that sharing this life-defining secret of being a cross-dresser at the beginning of a new relationship saves much angst for the parties involved and helps remove the fear and the shock-value of cross-dressing. This new mate has a chance to fall in love with the total person, not just the cross-dressing one. After all, cross-dressers are people just like you and me. They are bank presidents, construction workers, firearms instructors, policeman and athletes. Cross-dressers are parents, friends, golfers, and rock climbers. Cross-dressing is only part of who they are and to label them as if they were a deviant is just wrong.

    Anyway, I really do feel badly for those fighting the battle Charlotte describes. It is an external battle as well as an internal battle. I wish each of you peace and contentment in working thru these conflicting feelings. Love & kisses, Heather.
    It's never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.
    Live each day as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
    I'm finding the more feminine side of me...and I ❤️ this adventure.

  22. #22
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Washington, DC
    The perfect feeling that overcomes me when dressed does away with a world of depression and aggravation. So not dressing allows these feelings to build up and fester.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  23. #23
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    The state of flux, U.S.A.
    Crossdressing quells the GID.

    When I stop crossdressing, over time I will gradually become short tempered, have short term memory problems, have trouble concentrating on tasks, and just generally suffer from anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure), and just a general feeling of sadness, leaning me towards sleeping away my days to escape that. For a brief time after I wake up, I will feel normal again, until my mind awakens enough to recall why my life sucks so much.

    I am able to feel a bit better, by remembering that out of all the problems I could have, this doesn't even remotely approach the horrors that so many others on earth must endure; after all, I'm not being shot at, not having bombs dropped on me, I have a nice cozy house to live in with lots of fun hobbies to pass the time, I have a very friendly parrot who likes to take rides with me in the car ( and who talks up a storm, providing me with lots of funny things to laugh at), my home is in a safe place, I have good neighbors (several of which have dogs, so when I miss having a dog, I just go to one of them and ask if it would be okay to 'borrow' their dog and take them for a walk, which makes everyone involved happy), so much more. Life could be so much worse.

    And being alone, is always far better than being stuck being with the wrong person. For, I was married once upon the time, and how she treated me just because I liked to dress up like a girl, made me realize that she wasn't a nice person at all. And then the blackmailing me over it, during our divorce, just made it more clear what a rotten person I had married.

    Yes, life could be so much worse.

    With all that in mind, I'm now going to take my parrot for a ride, and go have lunch at some fast food joint with him. He likes chicken nuggets and french fries, so I'll probably have a burger while he enjoys his food, and maybe when he's done eating, he will talk to some of the other travelers wherever we stop; we always get plenty of attention, wherever we go.

    Crossdressing just feels like 'normal' dressing to me. Wearing boy clothes is what feels abnormal, like I'm wearing something that I'm not supposed to. In order to exist in the outside world, I just pretend that my boy clothes are simply my 'man uniform', which I must wear to perform the various tasks that need to be done, much like a underwater diver wears his specialty outfit, like fire fighters wear their protective gear, or like police or football players wear their special outfits to do their jobs. But when I come home from 'work', my 'man (work) uniform' comes off, and I'm back in my normal girl outfits, like any other girl would do.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 04-09-2022 at 12:36 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  24. #24
    Senior Member Debbie Denier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2021
    Merseyside UK
    I share your frustration Charlotte. I have had very little dressing time since 2020. My wife is non accepting. Underdressing helps a bit but its just not the same . It affects my mood and I have no time to my self 2 daughters at home.

  25. #25
    New Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2022
    Thanks for starting this thread! I never really thought about this until I saw everyone's comments. When I'm not able to dress my anxiety and depression increases, unfortunately I don't have a permanent safe space to dress.

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