If you're not into reading long posts, move along to the next thread This is a bit of a soul baring post. I'm putting this out there just to word everything out. This board is great for that. I haven't ever really fully done that here. Bear with me as I try to express myself...

Short crossdressing bio; I've been a crossdresser all my life. Some of my earliest memories are comprised in part of things related to crossdressing. This goes back to at least age 4. It's always been part of me, and always will. I didn't accept that until I was in my 20s. For me, my 20s were in the 80s and early 90s. The Internet existed, but not in name, and there sure wasn't any resource to support crossdressers. I really thought I was a freak, and very alone. I finally came to accept that it wasn't going away when I was 24. That was just the beginning of self acceptance, and that struggle continues to this day. I met my wife when I was in my early 30s. I told her early on about my crossdressing. I'd gotten to a point of self acceptance such that I wasn't going to accept a non-accepting girlfriend/wife anymore. I'd been through that too many times. She accepted me, and bought me some pantyhose a couple of days later. As my wardrobe grew, she had a harder time with it and for a time I felt like I'd fallen into a DADT marriage. We worked through that, and she's 100% accepting now. She's not as supportive as I could imagine, but I thank my lucky stars I found her. She's more than I could possibly and rationally expect. I am not 'out' to my kids, two of whom still live at home. Only my wife and a very, very close GG know (and yes my wife knows all about her and approves). End quick CD bio.

In my development as a whole human being who crossdresses, I've taken care to not try to think of myself as having a male personae and a female personae. I'm one person, with many passions. That includes a desire to wear feminine clothing. For me, it's always got to be quite feminine. Flats, pants, standard blouses don't cut it for me. It's got to be some kind of heels, pantyhose, panties, dresses, skirts/blouses, etc. Oddly, I have little interest in makeup. It doesn't do much for me. My wife, who is an expert in makeup, has done me up a couple of times. Fun to go through, but it had no effect on me in the sense of crossdressing. Oddly though, I'm jealous of some of you ladies here who post pictures that are indistinguishable from GGs. Nevertheless, I am me; a me who wears feminine and masculine clothing.

So where I am and what my struggle is;

When I was younger, it was all about pantyhose. That was my first love in feminine clothing, and remains so. Whether I was underdressed or not didn't matter. I got a sense of satisfaction from wearing pantyhose. I still do, but it's different. As I've come to accept myself more, I far prefer outward presentation where I can see that I am crossdressed. It's not quite enough now to be underdressed. When it was enough to be underdressed, going out in public was never a concern. Whether I was underdressed at home or out in public didn't make a difference. Now that I far more want to be able to outwardly express my femininity, I find that 95% of it has to be expressed at home. With the kids at home, that doesn't happen much. So, I feel now a bit like I'm in a jail so far as crossdressing is concerned. I can't quite express myself as much as I want now. If I can get dressed, I just sit at home doing nothing. Very much like a jail. It just doesn't work. So, the only avenues available to me are, generally, not at home. I've been to a CD support group before. I remember the head of the group noting that where we were meeting was just a bigger closet. Indeed it was.

Since I have responsibilities to various people in my life who depend on me and my income, I can't afford to lose my job because a coworker or superior sees me dressed while out and about. That simply can NOT happen. When I'm retired, that won't matter but it most emphatically matters now. So, no problem, right? Just drive some distance away, and present as you like, right? Yeah well that's where the 'me' struggles come in.

My journey of self acceptance is far from complete. It's an always thing. I feel great when dressed, but worry terribly about other people seeing me. I was in my car many years ago openly wearing pantyhose. Some jackasses in a truck (figures, right?) next to me at a stoplight saw, and were laughing at me. That moment really hurt. I don't want to keep repeating that. Sounds chicken, right? Yeah, well, it is. I'm a warrior. Literally. Raised my right hand, took the oath, and will run to the storm rather than away from it. This is true in drab civilian life too. I'm always ready to respond, and willing to risk my life for those I love, and even those I don't know. I'm no coward. But, I put on a skirt, heels, and hose and I become a big chicken. I think about the time I got laughed at. I think about all the sisters of ours who have been attacked, even killed. I worry about being detected and having my car attacked. I think of all sorts of negative potential outcomes, and recognize I have an important role in other people's lives that I can potentially sacrifice just because I'm in feminine attire. Seems silly to risk so much for such a silly thing.

My wife knows I struggle with lack of CDing time. She's suggested I go away for a few days from time to time and dress all I want. I've rejected this, because I would just sit in my hotel room, bored to tears, while dressed en femme. I wouldn't venture out. Again, big chicken. If she were with me, it might be different. Seems so silly to have to have her with me to have courage, most especially since courage is absolutely 100% not lacking in any other aspect of my life. This frustrates me with myself, but still ends up in doing nothing.

It used to be that I would sometimes crossdress and go out at night, especially if it was raining and I could carry an umbrella. I would go where it was dark and lonely, and walk around dressed very pretty. I loved hearing the sound of my heels clacking on the sidewalks. But, as so many have observed here, that is a dangerous thing to do. So, I stopped doing that. Something I've done of late is dress in drab except I'm wearing pantyhose and heels. I'll do this while driving somewhere (longer distance) and enjoy it very much. It's an opportunity. I've another such trip on Monday, and my wife is joining me. We might have lunch at English Ivy's in Indianapolis, and if so I'll be wearing the heels to lunch. This is hard for me; it would be a public presentation in front of people I don't know. I've never intentionally done that before. Nerve wracking. The most I've ever done is wearing hose without socks in otherwise drab attire. That's hard enough for me. I know, big chicken again.

So I'm caught in this loop of fear and self hate to a degree. I can't get full satisfaction from crossdressing by being underdressed, and can't work myself up to be in public away from home. If I could plausibly pass, I would have a lot less fear, but there's no way in hell I would ever pass or even come close. Really, I just want to wear what I want to wear in public and not fear. I want to go to lunch wearing a dress, bra, heels, and hose and not worry. But, that's just not in reach for the loop I stick myself into. In another thread, there's discussion about the Keystone conference. I want to go for many reasons. A big one is the ability to just be a man in a dress and not care or fear. In some sense it too is just a bigger closet. But, it's a really big one.

I guess in some sense, knowing it's impossible for me to pass and knowing that I accept myself as being one person with feminine aspects, I don't want to be "more" than just a guy who wears women's clothes. But, doing that in public is a serious, serious struggle for me. I just don't know if I'll ever bring myself to doing that. I'm trying to take little baby steps. My wife and I are planning a short trip soon that will include several hours wandering around a very large antique mall. My hope is to be wearing low heels and pantyhose all day. Maybe someday I'll take some of the courage I have in abundance elsewhere in my psyche and apply it to when I am crossdressed. No sign of it yet.

If you've read all of this, thanks for listening! Responses are very welcome, but not needed. I just needed to put this to words. My wife hears this of course. But, sharing it on this forum I think helps too.

-Julie