A foot in two camps.

[Philipa Jane]

Many of us live two lives.

A male most of the time but changing to a female form when circumstances permit. Stolen moments.
As a male this was me, but now I am moving to be female most of the time and changing to a male when necessity demands.
I am still considering who of my friends to take into my confidence so I may need a little breathing space.

By having a BA this maybe a deal breaker. There is an update on my previous post on this.

Now before members jump in and tell me that unless I intend to be honest about my decided gender; that I should not consider the BA.
Ask yourself how honest are you about your crossdressing with your friends and loved ones. There are many on here who are quite open about their CD side.
But how long did that take?
I personally have been on this journey all of my life an yes I am still taking small steps, so am I wrong to consider some of my friends impressions of the man they know. Should I burst their bubble?

[kimdl93]

Seems to me that the BA is just part of the picture. If I understand you correctly, you hope to live the majority of your life, going forward, as a woman with male presentation when obliged?.I don?t know if that means presenting as male for a few hours a day, a fewdays per week. There will come a point in that balance where it will be incredibly difficult to conceal the fact that you live as a woman from those you seek to keep in the dark. Perhaps you really should discuss that balancing act with a gender therapist.

I have tried this balancing act. Its not easy. People that are important to you in your male life may times overlap and interact with people from your female life. It can be stressful to maintain the separation and still enjoy the freedom of self expression.

[Philipa Jane]

Hi Kim.
I would expect the times I will dress as a male is no more than three or four hours at a time and maybe once per month.
My oldest friends visit about that often and I just wanted to preserve their image of my old self. Who know they may just surprise me if they are told of Philipa.
Two other male friends may not be as receptive to my lifestyle so I would try to maintain the male they know and yes with the BA that may not be possible.
When it comes right down to it you have to be prepared to loose people to live your life as you wish.
As I keep telling the couple I mentioned above "I am 69 and I am doing what I want to do" .

[GretchenM]

Phillipa, you bring up one of the most difficult blends of quandaries many of us face. Like you I have been dealing with this all my life, sometimes it tends to dominate almost everything and at other times it fades into sort of a quirky thing I do. There are quite a few people in my life that at least know something about that side of me, but few know the deep details or that all important history. Circumstances largely regulate how far I go in some ways. But most all of this is what can be seen on the outside - only I can see what is going on inside. I think it is important to keep in mind that the outside does not necessarily represent what is on the inside, especially in a world that seemed to be more accepting but now shows certain efforts to drive us back in the closet to at least some extent. Fortunately, it is not that way everywhere but there is enough pressure that it makes me wonder just how much is safe anymore.

Over the roughly 70 years I have been dealing with this in one way or another my outside is as you describe - back and forth as feelings, moods, and circumstances change for a seemingly endless array of reasons. But on the inside, for me, it has been a fairly steady progression toward increasing female-like thinking and behaviors and identity for the last 10 to 12 years. Inside I am far more womanly than I am on the outside because I still live in a world where I am well known as male among many acquaintances and friends, not to mention the intensely male world I sometimes work in. Juggling way too many balls at the same time - it's exhausting and I can see the confusion in others when I drop a few of those balls and the picture of me begins to look strangely different but actually more connected inside with outside. A bit like being viewed as a "shape-shifter" that does not have full control over what shapes it shifts to.

I am not totally honest and for good reason - good friends are hard to find in this polarized world and I have been friends with some for 40 to 50 years. You have to respect the nature of the relationship. After all life is not all about just you and what you want - we are naturally social creatures, very social, and it is important to respect the feelings of others. Thus, before bursting a bubble you first need to know or have an idea of what kind of an explosion that burst is going to produce. Consideration of others is very important and perhaps as important in some ways as consideration of your own sanity. Thus, for me, I think the small steps works best for me in my environment. But I can also understand that big steps or even leaps can work well if you do not have large and deep roots in your environment.

I don't have an answer to it and I doubt anybody does and if they say they do they will probably lie about other things. Predicting the consequences of stepping forward on to ground of questionable stability carries a huge risk but often is not as risky as we think it is. The fear of what will result or what you will lose can be profound. Being different from the norm can be hazardous whether you are taking baby steps or great leaps and bounds. But moving backwards is not really an option for many of us and is the most hazardous kind of step. If you disappoint yourself and are dishonest with yourself that CAN be the most hazardous choice. I see it as baby steps being the best because it allows others to adjust and at least get accustomed to the changes that are occurring. It is often the way women approach things simply because major female-like traits and characteristics are high focused on what the impact is of what you do on others. Male traits and characteristics are not so heavily weighted in that direction. So, for me, if what is on the inside is dominated by female-like traits and characteristics then small and considerate steps seem to be the most important while at the same time showing a pretty strong determination to be true to your own principles and your personal identity which is also changing and evolving with time. And perhaps that approach is the most characteristically female-like. Maybe. But in all cases the environment we live in weighs heavily on our shoulders.

[docrobbysherry]

"BA"?

Bachelor of Arts degree? Breast Enlargement? Back Atcha?

[kimdl93]

Philipa, given the very limited frequency of these male mandatory ocassions, I think you can make it work, even with the BA, that seems manageable. Maybe something as simple as a compression top to dminish the appearance a bit. At our age (I am 69 as well), we don?t go shirtless all that much?and really could justify a loose fitting top on the basis of avoiding sun. A lot of people our age have to protect their skin after lifelong exposure to UV light.

My inclination is to say Go For It.

[Pumped]

I was one of the nay-sayers at first. When you first brought up getting augmentation a month or two ago I was on the cautious side. It seemed to me at first that you were not ready and had not thought it out. Today I feel differently. Your first post seemed a bit brief and at least to me it came across as your were more male, than female. I can see now it is the opposite.

I still have to wonder about "hiding" for some friends and family. Perhaps you might just run with it and see where it all falls. You will certainly find out who your friends are, and if they are not accepting, perhaps they were never friends to begin with.

[TAG]

The problem with choosing which friends to tell is a big red flag. You never know what their reaction will be and how well they will handle that knowledge.
Its not fair to subject them to info they may not want to know then expect them to keep quiet about it to others.
Basically tell one and all will know in a short time.
BA is not something you can hide and that is the honest truth no matter what you may think.
Expect to lose friends over this I know this all too well and some family as well.
Expect to be called every nasty name in the book too.

[Fiona_44]

As one gets older having good friends becomes increasingly important. My advice is to go about your transitioning as best as you can but do not take a chance of losing good friends.

[Heather76]

My take, and I'm 76, is if you truly desire the BA, go for it. But do so with the knowledge some of those you wish to keep in the dark may well figure it out. In fact, no matter how you to try to conceal this from them, proceed with the thought they will learn about your BA and the fact you like to CD sooner rather than later. What they do with that knowledge you cannot control, nor can you control how they react to that knowledge. Only you can determine if you are willing to lose their friendship if that is their reaction. I will tell you this, I had a friend of 25 years I would have literally given my life for if it were necessary in order to save his life. We did everything together. I believed our friendship to be that strong. Seven years ago we had a minor disagreement and he dropped me like a hot potato. Guess what, I've continued my life quite nicely without having seen him since. Point being - don't let the fear of other's reactions dictate how you live your life so long as what you do harms nobody else.

I would agree with the list TAG mentions of what to expect. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[Philipa Jane]

"BA"?

Bachelor of Arts degree? Breast Enlargement? Back Atcha?

How about Breast Augmentation dOC.

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[QUOTE=kimdl93;4580230]Philipa, given the very limited frequency of these male mandatory ocassions, I think you can make it work, even with the BA, that seems manageable. Maybe something as simple as a compression top to dminish the appearance a bit. At our age (I am 69 as well), we don?t go shirtless all that much?and really could justify a loose fitting top on the basis of avoiding sun. A lot of people our age have to protect their skin after lifelong exposure to UV light.

My inclination is to say Go For It.

Now we are all getting it.
Again it was my bad choice of words that caused so much confusion.

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The problem with choosing which friends to tell is a big red flag. You never know what their reaction will be and how well they will handle that knowledge.
Its not fair to subject them to info they may not want to know then expect them to keep quiet about it to others.
Basically tell one and all will know in a short time.
BA is not something you can hide and that is the honest truth no matter what you may think.
Expect to lose friends over this I know this all too well and some family as well.
Expect to be called every nasty name in the book too.

Tag.
I do agree with what you say and this is exactly what I need to hear.
So far I have had a sleep deprived night pondering this.
As I stated before that I see very few people on a regular basis and have got used to my own company,so not much will change.

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Philipa, given the very limited frequency of these male mandatory ocassions, I think you can make it work, even with the BA, that seems manageable. Maybe something as simple as a compression top to dminish the appearance a bit. At our age (I am 69 as well), we don?t go shirtless all that much?and really could justify a loose fitting top on the basis of avoiding sun. A lot of people our age have to protect their skin after lifelong exposure to UV light.

My inclination is to say Go For It.

Hi Kim.
This is my inclination.
I have the son in law and his wife coming to visit next year and we intend to hold a memorial for my wife as they were not able to attend the funeral.
As it will be after December 25 it will be quite hot here and disguising my form will be hard.
I wanted to preserve my old self to them as when they leave I have no need to see them again other than Facetime.

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I was one of the nay-sayers at first. When you first brought up getting augmentation a month or two ago I was on the cautious side. It seemed to me at first that you were not ready and had not thought it out. Today I feel differently. Your first post seemed a bit brief and at least to me it came across as your were more male, than female. I can see now it is the opposite.

I still have to wonder about "hiding" for some friends and family. Perhaps you might just run with it and see where it all falls. You will certainly find out who your friends are, and if they are not accepting, perhaps they were never friends to begin with.

I know what you thought and my poor choice of words gave the wrong impression.
I was at that time trying to see if I could have have my cake and eat it to. A foot in both camps.
So now I am looking to do that again but in reverse.
As much as I am close to some friends I am prepared to loose them (I think)
Once I make the final decision to out myself then there will be no going back.