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Thread: Ethical survey: To tell or not to tell?

  1. #1
    Heather loves heels Heather2die4's Avatar
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    Apr 2020
    Manistee, MI USA

    Ethical survey: To tell or not to tell?

    This subject came up in another post and I wanted to start a new thread to see
    where everyone stands.

    Situation: A pretty and passable twenty something male attends
    a vanilla dating event dressed as a girl. She blends in and is chatting with several of the men present, although not leading them on.

    Questions: Does she have an ethical obligation to tell a man she is not really a girl, and if so, at what point and how to phrase it?

    Here's my answer, but there will be other valid points of view to be articulated.
    It's a vanilla dating event so there will be some less than highly evolved males there looking to meet women. They will assume heterosexuality and may have already had a few drinks. To not tell a man the truth is a lie of omission which may cause him to lose face in public and respond with violence. Further, it makes even flirting an unconsensual act which could be seen as just using him for her amusement, perhaps justifying or amplifying his homophobia. If she goes farther, it's in the same category as rape.

    At well over six feet tall, I'm not passable and do not seek male attention when I'm in public but if I were approached, I would say sometning like: "It's my first time out dressed as a girl." Which it isn't but now he knows the score and can decide whether he wants to continue. Also, if I were passable and if I wanted male attention, I would put up a profile on a trans dating site. Anyone who reads my profile would know the score up front.

    So girls, where do you stand on this? Please chime in and keep it respectful.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Heather76's Avatar
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    Jan 2022
    Coastal SC
    If I'm at a dating event dressed en femme, others may assume I'm looking for a man. I would be certain to ensure any man showing the slightest interest in me was told immediately. If I were looking for a man, I might find him there and I might not. If I were there looking for a woman to date, I believe the first words out of my mouth would be, "Hi, I'm Heather. I'm a cross dresser and looking to date a lady who will accept me as such and support me in expressing myself. If you are such a lady, I'd love to continue talking with you. If you can't accept that in a man, I completely understand and wish you luck in your finding the right guy."

    There is no reason to lie in the situation you describe.
    It's never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.
    Live each day as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
    I'm finding the more feminine side of me...and I ❤️ this adventure.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    A bit south of the 49th!
    It would be highly unethical to conceal that information. Frankly, I think it would be unethical even to attend such an event under false pretenses.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
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    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    "Google" and check out the "gay panic defense." I agree with Kim.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Aug 2021
    New Jersey
    1,858 does not seem to make sense for a male, no matter how passable, to go to a vanilla dating event en femme. It would appear the individual has other motives in mind, and would probably be interpreted that way by other men at the event. There are other events where you could attend en femme more appropriately. This scenario is not only unethical but is asking for trouble. I would hope this situation is not something that happens very often.
    Last edited by Kris Burton; 04-22-2022 at 08:51 PM.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    "vanilla dating event", Speed dating? The guys need to know.

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Philipa Jane's Avatar
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    Jul 2009
    Hmm. Good question.
    Going to an event as you describe for just a social outing you could be excused for keeping your CD side quiet.
    With the addition of alcohol any sign of the male wanting to hook up would have to be avoided or it could get ugly were you to reveal who you really are.

    Philippa Jane

  8. #8
    Member OrdinaryAverageGuy's Avatar
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    Jul 2021
    What Kim Said.
    For a man to go to a hetero-based vanilla normal dating event as a woman is deception, pure and simple. If I were at such an event looking for a woman, and I took home a man by mistake, there would very likely be violence before the night was up. If I met a woman at the same event who immediately told me she was really a he, I'd ask what the **** are you doing here?!? And I'm sympathetic to the cause, so just imagine the reactions of "normal" men.

  9. #9
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    South Western PA
    Ethical or not, for your own safety, tell up front, first thing out of your pretty mouth!

  10. #10
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Midlands UK
    I think I'm right in saying that certainly in the UK, going about dressed isn't a crime, unless you do so to purposefully deceive for criminal purposes. Entering into a sexual act by deception would be considered such. "I thought he knew I was a man" wouldn't be a defence in court.

    Not that long ago here in the UK a woman was jailed for dressing as a man for the purposes of having sexual relations with females.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  11. #11
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    To me, unless you very aware of the way attending people are with regard to this subject, which in the example situation you are likely not sure what their feelings or beliefs are, it would be highly unethical to conceal the truth. You are presenting as a Transwoman and you can't just assume everybody is on board the tolerance bus or recognizes your male features even though largely obscured by various means. I personally have met some who tried to conceal the truth and a couple ended up in the hospital. One almost died. Be honest as to exactly who you are - if a CD admit you are a hetero CD; if transitioning admit it. And recognize in some parts of the world and even in the most progressive city there are those that are terribly intolerant even though they seem safe. Most people today still think sex and gender are the same thing and some of them can be hazardous to your health.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Mar 2020
    This is a bad theoretical question. Because why would they be there unless they were looking for a man?

    A better question is: If a CD goes to a bar or party and is speaking with a group of men. Then the answer I would give is.

    My answer is no. Unless one of the men gets you off to the side and is really hitting on you. Then I would inform the person. If that does not stop them well where you go from here is your business......
    Last edited by Natalie5004; 04-23-2022 at 09:40 AM.

  13. #13
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    Northeast Pa near NJ and NY
    If it's a Vanilla event then she should be upfront about everything, for her sake and theirs.
    Were it an "open" situation then it's difficult to say. One might assume the attendees are aware.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  14. #14
    Hot Geezer Girl docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    I put this thread up there with all the other, "What if?", threads. Like, "What if u could become a woman tomorrow?"

    Ethics have nothing to do with it. 999 times out of a 1000 the guy's hitting on u because he knows you're a CD or trans!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    You absolutely have a moral/ethical obligation in that situation to tell the guy(s) right off the bat. Any other type of casual social situation not so much unless the guy is hitting on you believing that you're a woman.

  16. #16
    Member Julia1984's Avatar
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    Dec 2015
    East of England
    Absolutely, tell.

    When? As soon as you've got past the "Can I get you a glass of wine? Aren't these canap?s delicious?" part of the conversation.

    I wouldn't even dream of putting myself in such a situation, and I think I'm pretty liberal and of the "Just f..k it!" mindset, but this is both dodgy ethically and potentially dangerous for the CD/trans-person involved. Proceed with extreme caution


  17. #17
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    Sep 2014
    British Columbia
    This thread reminds me of those "only 1% of people can find the hidden word, can you?" posts on social media that featured a blindingly obvious answer that wouldn't even tax the mental acuity of an Afghan hound.

  18. #18
    Member chris80's Avatar
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    May 2005
    and Afghan hounds can see almost anything but have not the savvy of say a Border Collie. I think it's their long blonde hair.

  19. #19
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Jan 2014
    I asked the resident CDer what he thinks about this thread. His response was the same as doc's.

    999 times out of a 1000 the guy's hitting on u because he knows you're a CD or trans!

  20. #20
    Member Wendy-Lyn's Avatar
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    Nov 2021
    I wouldn't (and don't) go ANYWHERE while dressed if there are likely to be men there prowling for dates, and doubly so if there is alcohol involved. Ever. And I never dress intending to attract them any other time, nor look or act provocatively if there are any around if I'm out while dressed.
    That sort of interest from men is the last thing I want.
    But if it happened then yes - I'd tell them, and then decline or avoid any further advances. Or flee, if necessary.
    Last edited by Wendy-Lyn; 04-24-2022 at 08:41 PM.

  21. #21
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Jan 2013
    New Zealand
    Dating event for a quick, one night shag or a relationship?
    Either way you should be up front before your second sip of your drink (after the first sip and introductions) to save both parties from a misunderstanding.
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at

  22. #22
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Dec 2011
    Washington, DC
    Well, anyone seeing me would know I'm a man, no quandary there.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  23. #23
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    The state of flux, U.S.A.
    Just speak to him in your normal, deeper male voice, without any of the inflections in speech that women usually have, that men do not. It will be quite clear that you're male.
    An initial, 'Hey, haya doin', good tuh meetcha' with a strong firm handshake will remove any doubts. Walk like a guy with the slight swagger you see in the tough guy in westerns, instead of the swivel hip movement that women give off, will help give off the vibes that you're a guy.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 04-25-2022 at 04:03 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member ShelbyDawn's Avatar
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    Mar 2013
    Austin, TX
    Key word is Dating.

    Just by attending a 'Dating' event, unless it's specifically a transgender/cross dressing event, your hypothetical twenty-something passable male is misrepresenting herself.

    I'd say that event is a no go for her.
    Just my opinion.
    I am Me and Me is OK!


  25. #25
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Nov 2016
    Greater Houston
    Not ethical in anything other than a generic social event where, of course, your birth gender is nobody's business.
    Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".

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