I was lucky in the sense that my wife was very accepting from the beginning, but I do think it makes it easier that I present well. She says it's as if guy-me has gone away and Savannah has come out.
I was lucky in the sense that my wife was very accepting from the beginning, but I do think it makes it easier that I present well. She says it's as if guy-me has gone away and Savannah has come out.
Wren, I'm not sure what this sentence is supposed to mean since you don't develop and we are left to conjecturing. It has two corollaries as far as I am concerned:Originally Posted by IamWren
- That you have a choice between declaring yourself as a CDer or a TG to your wife. I personally don't. I am a crossdresser, not transgender (as in gender-fluid, non-binary, or gender dysphoria). I know this can overlap, in my case it doesn't.
- It seems to establish a sort of hierarchy between CD and TG, at least in the eyes of your wife, when it comes to acceptance. Could you please elaborate why?
Back to the OP, I had a talk with my wife about the current thread's topic. Support and acceptance is given out of love. Since my wife's level of love isn't based on how good I look, the answer to the OP in my case is no, it has no bearing.
She also mentioned that the presentation DOES have consequences, should she ever have to see me dressed in pictures or face to face. For instance she would much prefer me as a MIAD than with some awkward makeup. A wife can also be concerned about how she will react the first time she sees her husband in girl mode. Like, when you are presented with an ugly baby and try to not make it show or say anything that might hurt people. But of course this only concerns the average crowd, not the elite members.
"So, I'm a crossdresser. Mmh. What's that thing, again?"
Considering telling your SO? Read this fine manual first: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner
My wife is the "I didn't marry a woman" type. She would definitely not be happy if she saw me fully dressed and made up.
The more I'd be able to look the part, the worse it would be for me - so I'm pretty much stuck with MIAD mode, if I want to keep the peace (I do).
When I had my first makeover about 15 years ago my wife was stunned. She said "I didn't think you would look that good" She has been understanding about my dressing but she was really shocked at my appearance.
I know that looking good has a greater acceptance than looking like a man in a dress.
When I was younger my girlfriends really liked dressing me up as I looked as good and sometimes better presented than they were for a night out.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
I have to say that I did not expect the replies that stated that looking good made it harder for them but of course, that does make sense. I had assumed a more natural presentation would make it easier to swallow so thanks everyone for the eye opening.
my wife never has to worry about me looking better than her. but i do have a good butt in yoga pants
I would say that your ability to look like a "real" woman affects everyone's acceptance of you, wife or general public.
It's a shame, but we have to accept reality even if we don't think it is fair.
Krisi
My wife would definitely prefer me as a MIAD. She is not a fan of wigs, makeup, shaved legs, or breast forms. However she seems perfectly content with me wearing women's clothes around the house as long as the kids are not home. Her and I have even swam in hotel pools with me wearing a woman's bathing suit , but otherwise in male mode.
This is one of my favorite topics - trying to figure out what motivates a wife to feel or not feel one way or the other about an aspect of CDing.
It seems the consensus in this thread is that wives prefer their CD husbands to not look like a "ridiculous man in a dress", but it would be too much if he looked "better than her" while dressed. And so many of you believe that the magic position is somewhere in the middle, which implies that if a CDer accomplishes this then his wife will find herself in the happy place of acceptance.
I'd like to weigh in as a GG.
My feelings for my SO have nothing to do with looks. I may have been attracted by something physical in him at the beginning such as his eyes or his smile, but it is the inner being that I love regardless of how he looks or is dressed. I dare say this applies to most couples who have been together for years. Do husbands stop loving their wives as they age, get wrinkles, put on weight, or stop wearing the fashions they wore as younger women? I don't think so.
That said, many people don't like the way they themselves age. My mother put on quite a bit of weight past middle age and she was always envious of my dad's ability to eat what he wanted and not get fat. She would make comments like "I wish I had your body". I can imagine that had my father been a CDer, he would have taken it like many of you here: that my mother was envious of how much "better" my father looked than her. This was not the case at all. My mother did not compare her femininity to my father's looks. She simply wished she was not so fat. So to the CDers who believe their wives are jealous at how much "better" the CDers look than their wives, I'm guessing that you are very far from the truth.
Another truth: there is indeed prejudice in our society about CDers. The stereotype is of a garish looking CDer with a badly fitting wig, smeared lipstick badly applied, and inappropriate clothing making him look too obviously like a man in a dress whose motives for dressing are somehow depraved. But, there is a difference between a wife having in her mind's eye a hazy image of the stereotypical CDer, and seeing her husband dressed in women's clothes even if he isn't passable. As long as a husband does not obviously look like he dresses strictly for fetish, a wife will not see her husband in the same light as this nebulous CD character she may imagine when she thinks of CDers in general. She will see her husband for who he is: the husband that she loves who is wearing women's clothes, and who still looks like her husband whether he passes or not. And if she doesn't like the idea of CDing in general, she will not like that her husband crossdresses regardless of how he looks.
Many of you also mention that it is better to "look good", than to look like a man in a dress. I don't know whether you have in your mind's eye the image of the stereotypical CDer mentioned above and you don't really define what is "looking good" or "looking well", but you need to know that most people who interact with CDers do know they are male no matter how they are attired.
Another concern is the way that many CDers objectify women. If a wife takes personal affront at this, then she may object to the look if it is overly sexual, such as huge boobs or butts under skin-tight and/or too short clothing. But again, this is not jealously. Most women take great care to not look like they are trolling for men when they dress for special occasions.
The last concern is the appearance that it might be "something more than the CDing". Many wives fear the slippery slope of CDing, and believe that a husband who starts wearing breast forms, butt padding, wigs, and who starts shaving body hair, piercing his ears, growing fingernails, is on his way to wanting to be a woman full time. I don't personally believe this and instead believe that my SO did all these things because he enjoyed going out dressed and wished to do what he could to not obviously look like a man in a dress while out, even though people did know he was male when they inspected him closely. So again, the fear that the CDing might eventually lead to a condition that would rob a wife of her husband is a strong motivator for any objection she might have. Not jealousy.
You must all be careful not to project your own feelings/wishes/prejudices onto your wives. So the solution is, don't overly emphasize boobs, butts, legs, makeup when you dress. Try to dress like normal women. But other than that, whether or not your wives accept will have everything to do with their general attitudes about the CDing (whether or not they think it is OK for their husbands to wear women's clothing), and not how you look or whether or not you are passable. And if your wife fears that you will transition, then do try to respect her feelings and not push it too far.
Sorry for the length of this post but you will appreciate there are many factors to this discussion.
Last edited by ReineD; 05-04-2022 at 01:13 PM. Reason: Got rid of question marks
Reine
Reine,
I am tempted to say this may be the best post I have read on this entire site. I suspect you are dead on accurate in all of your feedback. Thank you for your reply and perspective. I think your responses are extremely valuable amongst all of our internalized posts and wishes.
Thank you again and may all your posts be this long or longer!
Many, many great points brought up by Reine. Looking good is absolutely subjective. In my case it is good enough that my wife and other women do not mind being seen with me in public; I make zero effort to blend but I move mountains to look stylish and appropriate. I do know for certain that if I looked even slightly ridiculous then I would lose those magic days where we go out together.
And yes, that whole looking-better-than-her mentality makes my skin crawl.
Well, when you think of it, how many wives say to their non-CDer husbands, "You're NOT wearing [that] are you?" (Substitute "that" with that old tie, that frumpy jacket, those ill-fitting pants, that worn-out Tshirt, those old sneakers, etc.) I suppose no one wants to be embarrassed by their partners.
We live in a small college town in the midwest where no one dresses up for anything, ever, especially the academic types we know. So I'm afraid I've gotten used to not putting in as much effort as I do when I visit my home town, Montreal, and go out with friends. There's something about being in an urban area that I think forces people to be more aware of their appearance. lol. My SO has always been way too polite to say anything, but I've caught the look in his eyes when we were running out for pizza after I had worked on a home project (painting a room, or refinishing our wood stairs) and was still wearing my torn, paint-smeared old work clothes. Needless to say I excused myself and changed into a clean pair of jeans and a proper Tshirt.
Reine
Reine, I live in Vancouver, which is just the large version of your college town. Running across someone who elevated their clothes for the day beyond leggings/jeans and puffy black coat is like stumbling upon an oasis in the Sahara. 10 years ago we were named the third worst dressed city in the world and nothing has changed. My vintage dresses may as well be spacesuits!
I don't have an SO. For the most part I think the answer would be the same for anyone's level of acceptance of you if you look better. One exception might be looking too good too close to home. By this I mean around your SO. if there's issues on her part with her own appearance. By that I mean if you look better in ways she can't and she's not okay with that.
Disclaimer aside, on to the regular question. I think there's a minimum threshold for looks that will get you more acceptance. If you look like a train wreck people are going to have a difficult time with it. If you look and act like you belong and fit in and are dressed appropriately I think that could go a long way towards people feeling more comfortable around you. This also depends on the crowd you are in. Some places are accepting no matter what. Other places may not be accepting at all. Do not Overlook personality. It may not be directly visual and part of your look but it is a big part of how you present and that makes a big difference too. A smile, a winning personality, a friendly demeanor, all add to our presentation to those around us. The more positive and outgoing you are the more responsive people might be.
I think in a similar fashion your overall presentation will help your SO feel more comfortable around you. Always remember it took us a long time to reach the level of comfort we have. Our SO may not have had the same amount of time to get there yet.
Love Vancouver! I lived there for 15 years and was very sad to leave. We lived downtown for a while before building our house. I used to work in the Bentall Center.
... but I agree. Fashion styles have become relaxed in recent years no matter where we live, urban or rural. Young people just don't get dressed up like the prior generation. Still, I do seem to make a bit more of an effort when I'm in an urban area. Just came back from a weekend in Jacksonville FL and I actually put on a bit of makeup! Twice. lol. I never wear makeup anymore. I was trying to erase a few years off my face.
Last edited by ReineD; 05-10-2022 at 02:05 PM.
Reine
It saddens me when I read posts from members gloating how they think they look better than their wives, girlfriends, strangers etc. It’s possible to better dressed (and that is relative, as well) and there is nothing wrong with aspiring to look nice but to assert that you have outdone a GG in the very essence of being a woman is extremely delusional. I did once have a woman comment to me that I looked better than the other women around; I was mortified and told her at best I was a good simulation.
Reine, I’m glad you have such fond memories of Vancouver and that the magic of makeup came to the rescue.
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