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Thread: non passible and venturing out question

  1. #1
    New Member Megan77's Avatar
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    non passible and venturing out question

    hello all need a bit of advice, I'm at the stage where I'd like to discreetly go out, I'm non passible any advice? btw do have all the right clothes etc.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    My experience is that I do not think I have ever truly passed, but when presenting fully female, I have always been well treated. The places I mostly ventured to LGBT clubs, bars, plus restaurants and mall stores.

    Sandi

  3. #3
    Member TAG's Avatar
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    I doubt any of us passed the first time we went out.
    Go anywhere you would normally go don't feel that you have to go to a gay or LGBT friendly club.
    Bars and clubs no matter gay or not the chance of trouble is a lot higher in those places.
    If you want to experience going out go to a public park where people are busy doing whatever.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    First, passable is mostly a myth!
    I am a transwomen and I have a few tells! So what, no one cares!
    I am out in the community almost daily! Getting gas, groceries, and pharmacy stuff! I eat at local restaurants and get my nails done locally! No one cares!
    I am greeted with nothing but respect! There are occasional stares! So what!
    Go out but be confident and know that you have a right to be there!
    Note also that I am from NC the bathroom bill state! LOL
    Just my $0.02!
    Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  5. #5
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Megan, I don't pass and I go out. Don't worry about it so much.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  6. #6
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what's "passable". My safe space to start was a transgender support group, where some people made no effort to pass whatsoever. When I restarted going out last fall, I went to a restaurant/bar that was popular among the members of that group. I felt completely accepted there. It's in Northern Virginia. PM me if you want the name.

    One key thing to remember is that most people are not looking for transvestites, and they only see what they expect to see. Another key thing is to act like you belong. There are scads of articles on how to walk and how to behave like a woman; combine that knowledge with being confident that you have a right to be who you are.
    Nancy
    "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

  7. #7
    Senior Member Geena75's Avatar
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    I don't pass at all (I even have facial hair under the covid mask). For about the past year I have ventured out a total of eleven times. Bear in mind, I peaked in December (full mask time) when I went into a dollar store in a skirt, heavy tights and wedges, next time went shopping at three stores in a dress, nylons and heels, and the last time in a sweater dress, leggings and flats. The rest of the time I avoided close contact and just enjoyed the thrill of being out dressed, and not always dressing to blend. Just the other day I worked it out and went to get gas for the outdoor equipment dressed (see post in photo gallery). It can be done. You don't have to hang out at a club or anything. Just do something you feel comfortable doing.

  8. #8
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    I do not pass but then again I do not care what anyone thinks. Just act like you belong where ever you go. Do not try to hide or act nervous. Do not worry about blending. I would rather stand out than fade into the background. Projecting confidence that you are supposed to be there, dressed the way you are does more to impede second glances than blending or nervously hiding ever does, IMPO. Lastly, smile and have fun. That is what it is all about.

  9. #9
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    My advice, if you want to go out in daylight (shopping, errands) and don't want to be stared at, is to dress to blend. If you can, clothing advice from a GG will work wonders. Or simply observe their outfits carefully, especially women with a similar body structure and size (women adjust their attire based on the occasion but also on their silhouette). Tip of the day: they don't put bodycon dresses and heels when going to the grocery store. A GG advice (which you can take right from this site, just create a thread in the Pictures section and blur your face if you don't want to be recognized) is really, really a big helper. They're always keen to help us, and have dozens of years of 24/365 experience, you can't beat that.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Linda K.'s Avatar
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    Hi Megan! Again, welcome to this site! Like everyone else has said, no one really notices. If you are looking to do something that will build your confidence up a bit, you can do something like I did when I first stepped out as Linda. I didn't own a wig or makeup at the time but I had everything else. So I dressed with what I had and at 0200 in the morning, I got in my car and went for a drive. I didn't go anywhere special but I did end up in the parking lot of where I work. No one is really there at that time of the night so I parked out in the back of the building. I got out of the car and walked around the parking lot a little. It felt so great to be wearing a dress, hosiery, shoes, bra, and forms and being outside walking around in 4" heels! I finally made the decision to go and get a makeover this past January and now there is no looking back!! I am thinking of making a trip to the East Coast dressed as Linda to meet up with a couple of friends here.

    My advice would be for you to take baby steps. With step you will see that most people will not notice and that will bring more confidence for you to do more. So go for a drive dressed as Megan some evening and start building that confidence most others here have! Good luck and let us know what happens!!!!

  11. #11
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    As others have said truly passing is all but impossible but for a very lucky few.

    From my experiences over the years I've come to the conclusion that while I'll never pass I do a decent job of blending into the crowd.

    And crowds are your friends. Think of it this way. You're in a large hall with 10 other people. Everyone in that room will be able to see you. Fill the room with people and only those close to you can see you so still only a handful.

    Have all those people moving around in a shopping mall, getting on with their own lives and most won't give you a second glance. There's also safety in numbers. After my first fully enfemme shopping experience I realised those times I'd gone out late at night on quiet streets placed me in far more danger. How many women have been abducted or attacked when mall shopping compared to those out late at night.

    Dress appropriate for the time and place. Try to walk with confidence.

    If you want confidence builders, try a drive through fast food outlet. Put fuel in your car and pay in the kiosk.

    Don't wear high heels as wearing them around the house is totally different to wearing them outdoors. Low or flats will keep your feet comfortable.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member jjjjohanne's Avatar
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    I go out as a man in skirts and dresses, etc. and I am treated with respect. https://joeypress.wordpress.com/ I've gone to so many places as a man in a dress and people just deal with it.
    CAUTION: Crossdressers tend to feel safer when they first go out if they go to sparsely populated, dark places. That's rather unsafe. I feel that daylight and witnesses helps me avoid dangerous situations.
    They say, "Hold your head up and act like you belong and people will respond accordingly." That's crazy hard for some personalities! But, it seems to work.

    My advice: go low key. Buy something boring and wear it, if you are going to go out.
    I am a man who presents male and wears feminine clothes.
    I blog about my outings: https://joeypress.wordpress.com/

  13. #13
    Platinum Member
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    Most of us will acknowledge being something other than passable. Get that Notion out of your head first, then find some outfit that you like and that seems appropriate for the situation. Then take a deep breath, step out the door and enjoy!

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    I can only share the few times I've been out while wearing a top with my boy jeans, no makeup, no wig. I was walking through an outdoor shopping area on my way to Soma. I noticed a few sidelong glances from some people passing by. They went on with their lives and so did I.
    I'm in a fairly conservative area in Texas, but I feel safe and confident on my little ventures.
    And I won't go out late at night, public or secluded, while dressed. It's kind of like what my folks used to say - nothing good happens after midnight!

  15. #15
    Member Michaela Jane's Avatar
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    My own solution is to go androgynous. My last trip out "en femme" was while wearing womens boot cut jeans, a womens polo shirt and womens sneakers over the top of a sports bra, bikini panties & nylon knee high stockings. I just left my wig & forms at home.

  16. #16
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    As Lana May says, passing is a myth. It is also not required. Oh, "blending" is often an attainable goal. Age and venue appropriate dress, feminine gait and mannerisms, all will help you to escape "detection". When anything invites further scrutiny though, all bets are off. Direct interaction, or an unexpectedly low voice from the woman that otherwise escaped notice are the typical scenarios. Way more often than not, it will not matter. I touched on this in our most recent episode of "Trans Truth", noting that social decorum still applies. Unless you're acting abnormal (guilty, fearful, etc.) people will usually treat you as the women you are presenting.
    Not sure what you mean by "discretely", but for many here, that means a walk around the park, at night. Don't do that, unless it's a park (or whatever) where any unaccompanied would be perfectly safe. Going for a drive is another popular "outing", but is that really "out"? Are you looking for that validation that comes with actually interacting with people, or is it enough to just be, literally, out of the house? Both are reasonable goals, but one's approach will necessarily be different for either.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  17. #17
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    There are varying degrees of "going out". I would recommend against going for walks after dark in neighborhoods (or anywhere). There is a risk of someone calling the police on you or of being attacked. A "real" woman wouldn't walk after dark.

    If you don't pass, you will probably not be comfortable interacting with people so going to a restaurant or shopping in a store is probably not for you at this point.

    This leaves driving and walking. You can drive around town as a woman. More adventurous is to get out of the car and walk. Walk in the park, walk around the tourist section of a town or walk around the shopping or business area. Walking in a shopping mall is another option.

    Dress appropriately for wherever you go and have fun.
    Krisi

  18. #18
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    I am definitely not passable; six foot & 200 pounds. You're going to have to find your comfort zone. I am a fan of "Just Do It!" I'm a fan of taking "baby steps" to build confidence. Sometimes the draw to go out exceeds the actual event. My first venture was just going for an evening drive. I only wear dresses and heels; no pants. At first it was enough to don a pretty dress, heels, all the proper undergarments, wig and makeup. I stayed on my small city's residential streets and avoided freeway. I did not want to break down on the freeway all pretty. There can be a lot of miles between off ramps.

    Then I had to fulfill the need to get out of the car. A woman taking an evening stroll in an unpopulated area is not a good idea. I created sensible outings; returning books to the night return slot of the library, mailing a letter at one of those postal boxes in front of my local post office, retrieving a free newspaper. Going to a mall is out of my comfort zone. If I am not comfortable, then doing something in conflict with my comfort defeats my goal; enjoyment. There is a quiet residential neighborhood with a shopping area that has two 24 hour grocery stores. There are plenty of restaurants and shops. It's not unusual for a woman to be returning home from a grocery store run or from work in the early evening. I grab one of the cloth grocery bags with something stuffed into it and leisurely "walk home" from the store. I made sure my walking shoes fit the occasion; a low rise wedge with sound deadening material on the sole. Wearing a heel that emits the classic "clicking" can be a head turner and end up hurting the feet. Even a more comfortable shoe would be a female athletic shoe with a pair of pumps in a tote. Many women commute to and from work wearing athletic shoes and change into heels at work.

    As to engaging with fellow human beings that is Halloween time. It's been a while since I ventured out at Halloween; sort of done that, now off the bucket list. Decades ago when my wife and I had "The Talk" and we entered our life of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (mid 1980's) she said it was alright with her if I found a support group. I looked, none were found. When I probably needed it the most, there was no place for guys like me to go.

    It's all about being in your own comfort zone.

  19. #19
    New Member Megan77's Avatar
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    well I must thank you all for the advice I'm currently working in a very male oriented town so not sure this is the place for it. I will be in Vancouver BC at end of May and will take baby steps first to get my confidence going. very excited about it. Again thank you all

  20. #20
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    You are going to be in my town, Megan, and I can tell you that the right attitude will carry you through. This is a pretty liberal and tolerant city, if you put the work into looking nice then people will not care about passing.

  21. #21
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    Megan
    Go out but present a confident as you do it. Stay away from places that you are questionable in in guy clothes. To go there is like you are asking for trouble' Tend to go were the money legally rules.
    You know that you have a right to be there!
    Even in smaller towns there are places I won't go, regardless of how I am dressed.
    Just my $0.02!
    Leslie Mary Shy
    Remember this:
    You do not have to be a man to love a woman, or be a woman to love women's clothes on her or yourself.
    _________________________

  22. #22
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    All humans are body beautiful and you need to project, dress on how you want to be seen. With that said go to gender friendly place. Safety is the key and then you will blossom. Having a wingman/gurl friend helps too.
    LGTB venues i.e. community centers to gender friendly night clubs etc etc
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  23. #23
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    Megan, get a makeover then go to a friendly LGBT business (store, restaurant or club). Connie

  24. #24
    New Member Megan77's Avatar
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    Thanks Angela will definitely need a makeover first. I used to live in Vancouver so know it's pretty liberal especially Davie street again baby steps first

  25. #25
    Silver Member
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    I don't pass, and I never try to. I feel like the result of my trying to pass would make me look like a tragic joke. Imagine Terry Bradshaw in an ill fitting dress or Julia Child with make pattern baldness. Yuck.

    My way is to select dresses or skirts that work well on my body, make myself as presentable as possible and just get out there without trying to fool anybody. On numerous occasions, I have been complimented, by random women on the street or in the mall, on how nice I look. Who compliments strangers anymore? I feel lucky. Men, of course, never say anything. That's OK, and I sometimes wonder if any of them are secretly jealous of me.
    Last edited by suzanne; 05-04-2022 at 07:35 AM.

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