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Thread: How much does our label effect SO's reactions?

  1. #1
    Member SirDonna's Avatar
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    How much does our label effect SO's reactions?

    Rather than comment in current thread, there was this posted:

    I can also report that had I said I was a crossdresser and NOT transgender, I would not be married to her.
    This seemed weird to be since TG is further to fem than CD and then the question popped up. How does what Me and SO call this thingy effect acceptance and presentation levels?

    It seems that the more normal pattern is:
    1. I'm a CD {usually without calling it CD at first},
    2. are you gay?
    3. do you want to transition and be a woman?
    4. Do you want me to participate?
    etc

    In my situation, CD is ok. TG would not be, and full transition would be a deal killer.

    What are your thoughts about your common labeling of behaviors and the effect it has on relationship?

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Heather76's Avatar
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    I honestly don't know what would happen in/to my marriage if I wanted to transition. My wife did ask if I was interested in men to which the only answer is "NO." She did ask if I wanted to be a woman and the answer to that is the same - "NO." She has expressed she doesn't want to participate in that she has told me she doesn't want to help me shop when I asked her. However, that's been about a year ago. If I asked her now, she might be agreeable as her acceptance/tolerance has come a long way in the past year. More recently she indicated she didn't want to see me in makeup.

    I agree with your assessment of the quote you posted as being somewhat strange. If a person cannot accept someone being a cross dresser, how would they accept the person being transgender? That said, we all view things differently.
    It's never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.
    Live each day as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
    I'm finding the more feminine side of me...and I ❤️ this adventure.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    My story sort of followed the first three points. I referred to my label as "crossdresser" right at the start. My answer to the "Are you gay" question also included my non-desire to transition if I recall correctly. She did say that a "yes" to either of those questions would have ended our 40 year marriage (which I knew, my wife's first marriage ended when she found her then husband was having an affair with his best man.) She also indicated she did not want to participate, or see me en femme. At that point, it was the best I could ask for. She has warmed to the situation to the point where she does participate up to a point - helping me with makeup, shopping online with me (especially for shoes) and helping me select photos to post. After a chilly few days I can now say our relationship is solid. However, I am sure had the answers to questions 2&3 been "yes" I would not be saying that.

    That's our story and Heather, you are quite right in stating that all view things differently, and views can change over time.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    Wow! When I told my wife I believe the only word was "transvestite" and it sure wasn't a pretty word back then. I'm sure there were the labels but we didn't speak as openly about some things back then. I believe when I told my wife she related it more to being gay and after a while she called it "being kinky" and even told her co-worker that her husband has a "wild side"
    I believe if I had to tell her today it would actually be CD, it just explains it so well.

  5. #5
    Member 1Ladyjade's Avatar
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    For me and my wife I told her I was a cross dresser. I laid out my very small wardrobe on the bed and told her this was my stuff. Her first question are you gay/attracted to men. The other part of her question was do you enjoy looking at men in dresses. Now at first I said no because they are men in dresses. But now after coming here and seeing all of you that share a picture. I do enjoy it. Not in an attraction way. But just like I look at a GG I'm looking at the clothes and how they look in the clothes.
    Then she comes with she is afraid that years from now I am going to want to transition.
    Now she reminds me all the time how she likes her man to manly. Wouldn't be with a feminine man. But she bought us matching night gowns to wear. So I'm treading very lightly lately to maybe get her to let me dress as Jade for her some day soon.

  6. #6
    Member rachelatshop's Avatar
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    I agree cross dresser is a much easier label and certainly Transgender would be a step to far and certainly put my relationship on a very different level. I do know several transgender ladies who are happily married and still very much in love with each other and supportive.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Geena75's Avatar
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    My concern would be that as cross-dressing has come out of the shadows, media coverage tends to paint with a broad brush and putting the whole spectrum as trans-gender. If I were to try and come out to the spouse about my "peculiar pastime" I would avoid any and all labels and just describe what I do and why. Even then, I don't expect that she would accept or even understand it.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    I'm sure that if I said I was transgendered rather than a crossdresser, my wife would want out.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  9. #9
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    I'm hitting 75 this summer. My wife and I celebrated fifty years last year. I've posted many times on this forum that my desire to wear nylon nightgowns was viewed as a little kink. There were mutual benefits. It took more than a decade for her attitude to change. She had asked after our son was born to back off a little with the nightgown which was hardly an occurrence after he was born. It wasn't until the early 1980's when our second child pulled a vivid red Vanity Fair bra out of the gift box in the bottom draw of my armoire. That precipitated "The Talk." All of "Those Questions" arose, and, she blurt out if she had known she would not have married me. There was no label attached to what I was doing. I still do not attach a label to it. I learned a long time ago to express myself in complete sentences and paragraphs and not one word answers.

    As to specific words, in my youth there were transvestites and transsexuals. It was deemed transvestites were homosexuals. The word gay was not ascribed to homosexuals. They were "queers, faggot, fruits" and similar derogatory words. Transsexuals were people trapped in the wrong body.

    I think anyone can see, and all one needs to do is read the news, transgender women and transgender men are being attacked. If a woman had been hesitant in the past to maintain a pre-marriage relationship with a cross dresser, she'd be dumping him quickly now. She would not get to really see who he is or what a cross dresser is. Of course, as some of the GG's have posted; their husbands can spiral out of control.

    I have posted the question many times on this forum "Why do you really not like cross dressing?"

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    What's in a word.
    In my mind, I am transgender. That seems to best capture what I have been struggling with understanding for over 60 years. I am not "full time" and would be considered a crossdresser (merely a crossdresser in some peoples minds). Would I like to be full time? I think so, but I have not fully looked into it since my wife would be very much embarrassed (mortified) if others found out about me. As long as she is around, it's not an option in my mind. I'll deal with the dysphoria rather than dealing with divorce, possible strained relationships with her and children and grandchildren etc. And since statistically, she will probably outlive me, this is the choice that I'll deal with. As I've told my kids numerous times that life ain't fair (when they have said "That's not fair") and it's best to learn to accept that and make the best of what you have.
    Oh yeah, the "are you gay" question. Our society has a hard time distinguishing sex from gender, and assumes that transgender or crossdress equates to gay. Based on my observations from this site, other interactions with the transgender/crossdressing community, and personally there seems to be absolutely no correlation between the two. I recall thinking when I was younger that I must be gay since I see myself as a woman and not a man. However that didn't explain why I was lusting after the girls, and I cannot understand how anyone, male or female, could be interested in an amorous relationship with a person with a male body.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    I have read all the post so far.
    I think and label myself as a 100 % Heterosexual who also Cross Dresses.

    I went through these questions with my children. I never talked about or knew about this life style till after my wife passed away.

    1. I'm a CD right from the start
    2. are you gay? I remind them that I am still 100 % Heterosexual
    3. do you want to transition and be a woman? No way I am 100 % Heterosexual

    They in turn replied that is fine with them BUT I am to stay 100 % Heterosexual around the kids and relatives. Also not to wear or talk about my Drag Queen ventures or photography sessions. I take photos of Drag Queens while they perform.
    So here I stay, alone in my extended closet, my home for one (with one bedroom rented out to an accepting GG).
    Leslie Mary Shy
    Remember this:
    You do not have to be a man to love a woman, or be a woman to love women's clothes on her or yourself.
    _________________________

  12. #12
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    In my case I have a boyfriend and he's been accepting, supportive and encouraging of my dressing from day 1 of our relationship with no restrictions. I have no plans to transition but he says I have his full support if I ever decide to. For right now I'm just a bi CD.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Debbie Denier's Avatar
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    My wife does not accept . So both labels are abhorrent to her.But we should never judge a book by its cover.

  14. #14
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SirDonna View Post
    TG is further to fem than CD
    SirDonna, I respectfully but strongly disagree. You seem to be subscribing to this theory that all CDers are on a path to transitioning, and will just stop when the obstacles (age, social, etc.) become too overwhelming. I consider this theory to be not scientific, since you can't prove it one way or the other: if you object that many CDers are just that, CDers, you are told it's because they were too old to undergo a transitioning process. If you object that at 50+, having dressed your entire life, you never considered transitioning (social or other), it's because you are in some level of denial. Etc. In the end of the day, no matter how the theory doesn't fit the facts, it still wins. Which is generally the sign that the theory in question is more a belief. And you can't prove it wrong either, because there is no way to prove the non-existence of something (some famous examples of such debates): if the transitioning hasn't occurred yet, it may happen later. And if the guy dies before that, then only death prevented it to happen. A theory that you can't prove right or wrong, for which examples abound one way and the other, should simply be dismissed due to lack of evidence. The main purpose of a theory is to establish reliable enough predictions, and if one doesn't, then it must be re-qualified as an opinion.

    Regarding the original post you are referring to, I just replied to the poster since I feel like the sentence you quoted seems to establish a hierarchy between CDs and TGs, and to make it look like we have a choice to declare ourselves as CD or TG. We don't. We may chose various meanings for the CD or TG qualifiers, but once we settle and think we know what we are, I don't think we have any choice to declare one, or the other, or both. Honesty commands me to report to my wife that I am not TG, and that it has no reasons to ever change. I don't feel female, ever. When younger, I could imagine myself as a woman, but these fantasies were more about curiosity, about a temporary experience, and not switching forever because I felt wrong in my male body and social role.
    So, I am a private crossdresser. I also describe myself as a transvestite since this is the French word for it ("travesti" in French, an Italian-originated word), even if, like some have mentioned, this is an old term with negative connotations (but I don't see that crossdresser has a lot of positive ones either).
    My wife uses "crossdresser", "crossdress". She doesn't like crossdressing (and likes much less that I lied to her for so long before coming out), but does her best to support me in a way that isn't too damaging for her.
    I don't think she would leave me if I told her I am TG (so many ways to interpret TG...), like in gender-fluid, or with some level of dysphoria.
    She would probably leave me if I told her that I was gay, or that I planned to transition later. She is strictly an heterosexual woman and wants to live with a husband, not a wife, not a girlfriend. We are very well aligned on that front since my dressing is a total binary thing.
    "There's one thing I don't understand. The thing that I don't understand is every [bleep]-ing thing about crossdressing." - The Blimey
    For those who consider telling their SOs, read this fine manual first: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

  15. #15
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Labels are always about perception.

    The English language has more a few quirks. I always found Transvestite harsher than Crossdresser

    Please remember that media make choices to gain readers/viewers and influence how we see the world.

    The question you should be asking first is how does your partner perceive the labels.

    What does your partner think of the words

    Crossdresser.

    Trasnsvestite.

    Transexual.

    Transgender.

    Non Binary.

    This would help you in deciding which label fits you best given there perception.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  16. #16
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    In my world I am a Heterosexual Cross Dresser.
    Some of my friends say that when I am Fem dressed then I must be a Lesbian. I don't really see it that way because I, Leslie Mary Shy, do not partake in any sexual activities, so the comment about sexual preferences labels do not apply.
    Leslie Mary Shy
    Remember this:
    You do not have to be a man to love a woman, or be a woman to love women's clothes on her or yourself.
    _________________________

  17. #17
    Member Teresa.Smith.VA's Avatar
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    Neither my wife nor I are hung up on labels related to my interest in dressing like a woman occasionally. Most importantly is that my wife knows deep in her bones what I am not. Both of our expectations and preferences are well within our boundries.
    Fact: Some members can never post pictures in their feminine finery to support their stories and experiences. Please be understanding and kind.

  18. #18
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    We disagree on terminology. I call it TG, she calls it perverted and being a liar! Pretty sure there No middle ground to be found on this one.

  19. #19
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    I've had many, brief exchanges with my wife on this, and through a lot of soul-searching, realized that I don't want or need the hassle of a full transition. And I'm not gay, and he knows it.

    What seems to make a big difference is the terminology we use. To me, the word Transvestite implies a psychiatric condition that needs to be fixed or eradicated. A truly ugly word. It also suggests Drag Queens to me. Definitely not my style. The word Crossdresser is supposed to be a synonym for Transvestite, but sounds more down to earth to me. But the term I like best is Gender Fluid. It suggests there's a sliding scale in gender presentation, rather than a hard on/off binary. It certainly suits how I feel.

  20. #20
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    It didn't matter the label; wifey was directed to 'wives of crossdressers' support group, who instructed her that the only difference between a CD and a transsexual was '2 years'. After that, she was sure that I would eventually transition, and that was a major reason why she wanted out of the marriage; she thought that was just a lie I was telling her to keep her around.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    My partner is of the opinion that any man who wears women's clothes is on the fast track to transitioning. Therefore, it has been impossible to even approach the subject matter with her. Yet, I believe that that she knows a lot more about Monica than she cares to admit, simply because she is much smarter than I am. I don't think I could have outsmarted her this long and kept her in the dark.

  22. #22
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    I hate labels.
    If you want to call me something call me Cheryl
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

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