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Thread: How to find the courage?

  1. #26
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    I really do think, you need balls to be a crossdresser (without them your just another girl)
    I'm scared of heights, parachuted twice, bungy jumped once, abseiled, rafted over a 6 meter waterfall (sorry, never high dived from above 3 meters, 3 meters it feels like I'm diving forever)
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
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  2. #27
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    It's hard to overcome the fear--and once you go out it's easy to overcome the fear.

    I finally decided someone might know it's a guy in a dress, but they don't know it's ME in the dress, and I just want to make sure it's a pretty dress. I bit the bullet, went to Sephora for a makeover, then to Nordstrom to try on clothes (the full version is in the Picture section), got a welcoming reception, and after that I realized "I can do this" and more importantly "I want to do this", along with a large dose of YOLO.
    I'm Sun-Dee at Kandi's Land; read about my outings here:

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  3. #28
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    I had to see how it felt to get out! I was getting bored being in the closet! I got as dressed as I could and took a drive in broad daylight! I passed a male and female police officers and no second glance! I was stopped by road construction and a flagman! no response! I went home! I then thought since I have no wig and no make up, I need a transformation! I booked a transformation and bought a wig! I got make up advice and the rest is history! YMMV Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  4. #29
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    Hi,
    This is my story -- it was written for the Beaumont society hence names Ect. This is in the U.K.--

    CHESTER, My story,?
    Well it was decided to ? come out the closet ? at Harrogate? it didn?t happen due to both the Wife & i getting covid , we had to cancel. It was decided to attend the Chester week end ( Friday only ) So outfit sorted ,new shoes bought & ? worn in ? the only problem ? where to get changed. Our road is narrow & we have camera?s around us plus a neighbour ( female ) with a loud voice so? Both the wife & i came up with the same idea ( had 42 years of practice ! ) use our touring caravan as a changing room? its stored some 7 miles away ,slightly ?off course ? for Chester but?..
    So i changed in the caravan & got in the car? it took us 1.5hrs to cover 20 miles , road works lots of traffic & Q?s . We arrived at the Roodee race course ( just down the road from the meeting place ) Walking throught the grandstand there was a lot of workmen around? not a single comment was heard ( wife was a bit concerned )we started walking up the main road . Wife told me to take smaller steps so i did . we progressed on I was getting the hang of things & feeling quite happy when i found myself on my knees & pitching forward with my face about to hit the pavement. I put out my right hand & saved myself at the cost of damaged fingertips. I regained my feet very dazed & confused, wife who was just in front of me looked at the damage while a Lady who was just behind me was very concerned about me & my fall. Investigations revealed left knee -skin on knee mangled with my ( remains of ) stocking mixed in with blood & skin this mixture was stuck to my skirt. Apart from this i was dazed as well? decided i wanted to return home but wife stopped me ( just as well ! ) after a while we progressed on to the venue where we met the many faces i had seen on zoom meetings ? in the flesh ? Wife & i retired to the Ladies room & unstuck my skirt from my knee , glad to say not a lot of blood around. Rejoined the ? gang? though still dazed i did my best to join in. We went outside to ? walk the wall ? ( 1.8 miles ) After walking for a short distance it became apparent i would have to abort . The Wife carried on with the ? gang ? at my insistence while i left the wall & went to the ( Ladies toilet ) it was crowded a lady standing near the ? stalls ? answered my enquiry if she was waiting with a No so i shot in & sorted myself out. Again thought the place was crowded i detected no hostility . I walked back to our car & replaced my ( new ) damaged shoes then returned to the venue , meeting my wife outside the bar. Went inside & joined the ? Gang? . Bit later i went to the ? ladies? & on coming out of the cubical Kay H was repairing her lipstick at the mirror with Her back to the entrance door ? i was facing it? A lady started to come in She looked at Kay & myself & her jaw really dropped !! I rejoined the gang. This was the ONLY reaction i saw all day. Photo?s were taken Kay H demonstrated Her tec ability with a camera?.
    the meal was only slightly spoilt by a shortage of certain items on the menu , but non the less a pleasant evening ensued ( even though my left knee tried its best to spoil it ) & too soon it was time to leave & outside it was very ?er? active with a lot of noisy people but by walking down the opposite side of the road from them we had no bother. Returning home ? the pretty way ? due to motorway closure. On getting home i sat in the bathroom with a pair of tweezers picking out bits of nylon from the mess of my knee. So that's my coming out story? think you will agree its not a normal one !
    UPDATE,- my knee continues to slowly heal, still cant kneel on it On the Monday i rang my Dr, explained what happened ? She told me to report to the surgery ? NOW ! i was given a full medical ? nothing was found so now awaiting for results from blood test.
    SHOES- both toes have gone- scuffed right down?.
    SKIRT? soaked it overnight when i got home in cold water, glad to say it wasnt damaged & blood now gone.
    OUTLOOK? Well it wasnt what i intended for ? coming out ? but , well ?..
    WHAT NEXT ? er?we hope to attend BEWDLEY using our mobile dressing room? hope its not so eventful.. ��

  5. #30
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    Hi Olivia. You get the nerve by incrementally pushing your boundaries. As crossdressers I believe we spend more time than almost any other group in the grip of terror. Considering that all we are doing is wanting to wear clothes that half the planet is allowed to wear anyway, it seems ridiculous, but it's true. I don't want to think about the number of hours I've spent dressed, pacing around a hotel room staring at the back of the door and not having the courage to go through it.

    By the time I opened that door for the first time, I had already incrementally done lots and lots of little things before that. Going out for a drive had been a favourite of mine. Even that was terrifying at first, but I quickly found that no-one pays any attention to what you're wearing when you're in a car. No-one. (Unless it's a truck driver looking down at your skirt, but you probably don't know that person, they probably can't see your face, and you'll be going your separate ways). The busier the road is, the more everyone else is focusing on the traffic. No-one is going to look at you, so no need to avoid busy roads. As a rule, wherever you go, the more people there are the less you'll stand out.

    I progressed something like this. Before my teenage years, I used to dress only in the house when my parents were out or downstairs. Then, in my early teens, I'd sometimes take some of my mother's clothes in a bag to the countryside that was within walking distance of my house. I'd change under the trees and walk about enjoying the feeling, and then change back before walking home. Seems very risky now, looking back, but I knew the area really well and felt safe enough.

    For the first few years after I could drive I kept my stash of clothes in a huge home-made wooden subwoofer in the boot of my car. I'd change in remote places in the dark and go for a walk. Again, very risky but when you're young you don't see the risk. I slowly progressed to making myself get out of the car to put rubbish in a bin.

    In my 20s, I started travelling for work - not more than 40 miles away, but often to satellite plants where I was on my own. I'd underdress, and occasionally venture out in a skirt, but there was always a risk of a tanker driver turning up unannounced or having an accident, so the risk element took the fun out of it really. I still used to go for drives in the dark outside of work.

    In my late 20s I changed career and began travelling much further to customer offices, and staying in hotels for up to 5 days. In the day time I'd be in smart drab - full suit since I was an IT consultant. I started to under dress in work (no bra - too visible under a shirt, and often I'd be working with a colleague, or a customer who knew the people back at my office). Spending 24/7 in knickers was amazing to me. I'd visit shopping malls in the dark and walk around the car parks. I didn't take photos, and I'd run (drive) a mile if I thought anyone could see me.

    In my 30s I started choosing hotels that were some distance away from where I was working, and occasionally I'd go down to breakfast visibly wearing hose instead of socks, and then that progressed to going down dressed. Later, that evolved into leaving the hotel dressed and changing into drab on my way to work in the car. Then, one day in 2011 I was leaving the hotel to drive home and decided I'd leave dressed, and go to a shopping mall. I had on black opaque tights, a black skirt, black 3" heels, a red top. No-one in the hotel appeared to notice really as I left, and that gave me more confidence to go to the mall. It was a big, well-known mall, a few hundred miles away from home, and I went into Marks and Spencer and bought lunch. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. Then I drove home nearly all the way before changing back to drab. That was a life-changing day, in a good way.

    Since then I've never really gone out in the dark. Being out in the day feels so much better, and it's a lot safer. I moved on to filling up with fuel at petrol stations dressed, and then on to going into supermarkets to buy a few things. I started wanting to spend longer and longer dressed, so I'd take days off work and spend the occasional day dressed. The occasional evening meal in a restaurant dressed. Every single time was scary, but a little less so each time.

    In 2017 I stayed away from home in a hotel on my own, and one evening I went to a theatre fully dressed. Since I'm 6ft 5 and have masculine features I'm not going to pass, so I don't usually bother with wigs or makeup. But this time I'd bought a load of makeup and a wig, and I'd watched lots of makeup videos and spent a lot of time in the hotel practising. So I was fairly pleased with my look when I went out to the theatre. The staff there were very friendly to me, and I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of the performance. Unfortunately though, I thought I'd seen my cousin come in (this was about 150 miles from home, but only about 30 miles from where this cousin lived) and I was terrified she'd recognise me. I couldn't verify that it was her because I was too scared to look again, but one of the group she'd come in with called her name. Anyway, in the interval, when the lights came up, I waited until her group had gone out to get refreshments and I left the theatre. It was bitterly disappointing, and terribly ironic that I was so scared of being recognised when I probably looked more unlike my male self than ever. That evening, taking my makeup off and packing my things away to go home the next morning was heartbreaking. I felt I was packing myself away in that suitcase. I had overcome the fear, only to have it return and overcome me!

    Muggles don't realise this, but when they see a crossdresser in the street, they are witnessing a herculean act of bravery.
    Last edited by Melanie Sykes; 05-19-2022 at 10:06 AM. Reason: Minor correction

  6. #31
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Hi Olivia,
    I haven't read all the comments in your post but I'll give you my answer based on my 3xperience in those days that must be around 5 years ago.

    I think that you shouldn't push to go out or do things other girls here or wherever do just because. it's matter of what you want and if you're not ready don't do do it. Just baby steps. if you want and really need to go out and do things other do here the time will come and you'll get the guts to do it.

    Just practice at home, read from others experience. Don't believe everything they say here because there're some dreamers that make their dreams real in their minds and write here like really happened.

    Finally, everything is experience, errors and learning.

    I always remember one of my first days dressing and going to shopping. I thought I was glamorous. I went to a outlet, it was winter.and was showering outside, I didn't planned it so I was dressing like for summer, my wardrobe was limited to steal my wife stuff. I did my best make up concealing my 5 pm beard. I grab a Capri pink and white pant and proceed to the fitting room, the lady thar count your items count just one then look at my face to give me a card with number 1 and, I will never forget her horror face when saw me....lmao. That made me feel a bit nervous thinking they could call security or police and kick me out of the store but got the guts, correction, I should day I got the need if moving forward, I went to the line to pay for it and notice people look at me with weird faces and some whispering in my back, the cashier asked me nothing and then just stop my adventure for thar day buy more adventures came in the future because I had the need to live as a woman.
    Today I'm a woman, you can find out more reading my profile. Even today we laugh a lot with my wife when we remember those days, everything I did, I.did it because I need it.
    mho.

    Devi
    HRT 042018; Full time 032019
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  7. #32
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    Melanie; thanks for sharing your journey! I'm somewhere along the same journey, about the "I started travelling for work" part...except 30 years behind you :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie Sykes View Post
    Muggles don't realise this, but when they see a crossdresser in the street, they are witnessing a herculean act of bravery.
    ^^^ This. Absolutely, unabashedly true.

  8. #33
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Courage is not a given thing, its something that is gained slowly by experiences. Nobody can say "just go and do it" sometimes the inner strength is not there and that is not a weakness at all. To go out the first time takes a lot of guts and determination. Its only when the first venture out into the real world without anything scary happening that confidence and courage begins to grow.
    Take things slowly at your pace and just be you.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  9. #34
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    When you let go of the guilt and shame about being who you are, the fear will just evaporate. You no longer worry about being "caught", because you realize that you are doing nothing wrong. Yes, I realize that making this cognitive leap can be a tall order, but until you get there, you're going to have a hard time blending, much less passing. Furtive, wide-eyed and nervous is not a good look.
    If you can, find a group, or at least another person, to go out with. Depending on where you live, that can be a challenge, it's true, but the support you'll get is worth the search.
    Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".

  10. #35
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Aunt Kelly, I don't disagree with you but but not fully agree.
    one thing is self-acceptance and other big different is to overcome the fear of rejection.
    Self acceptance let me get into HRT but when I saw my boobs growing and the reality of no more beach as a male with my kids made me quit for one week but my nightmares came back so then I began accepting the consequences and possible rejection.

    Self-acceptance is one thing and overcome uncertainty and doubts about future is very different to my advice is just live one day at time with the experience of most of the time our greatest fears never happen....
    HRT 042018; Full time 032019
    Orchiectomy 062020; gender& name legal changed 102020
    Electrolysis face begins 082019, in genitals for GCS 062021
    Breast augmentation surgery 012022
    GCS 072022; BBL 022023; GCS revision 04203;END TRANSITION

  11. #36
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    My 2 cents......

    First of all you have to really like yourself as a person... as male or female

    You have to then have the mind set that you are only wearing the lingerie and clothes that females wear ....and are not doing anything out of the ordinary
    No fetish clothes when out in public, shopping, etc.
    You must be completely at ease as a female in public.. and when necessary interact as female when necessary
    So, practice you female voice a bit and never resort to to a horrible falsetto

    Keep in mind that not all females are beauty queens with an hourglass figure ... far from it. Some females have a somewhat masculine looking face and body. In fact, some of today's famous females have hips that are narrower than their shoulders .
    So, if you are reasonably passable, just go out ... taking some baby steps at first to gain confidence
    One you realize that no one will point or laugh at you ..... you will become just anther female out shopping etc

    BTW, much like in the movie "Gypsy" when Gypsy Rose Lee told her mother that she really loved being a stripper, etc, you have to really love dressing and being a female in public
    We all have to determine what makes us happy.... as it is your life and no one else's. It all comes down to liking one's self as I have said.
    Last edited by Barbara Jo; 05-24-2022 at 12:24 AM.

  12. #37
    Member Sophie Yang's Avatar
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    Confidence

    Olivia,

    Someone told me a story about courage. The philosophy final had one question, "What is courage?" One student's reply was "This is courage", turned in the exam and walked out.

    Several years ago there was a gal named Isha on the site and was active Canadian military. She said something to the effect that she would rather go into battle with her combat group than go out dressed. That comment always stuck with me.

    Anyway, instead of courage, think of confidence. As others have said, work on small incremental steps. Each small success will build your confidence. Watch a small child learning to walk. They don't gain courage with each attempt, but with a lot of determination and baby steps, they literally learn to walk and run which is harder than dressing. I think what Isha was saying is that her training and trust in her combat group didn't give her courage, but confidence in their ability to carry out their missions.

    While Isha was on, she changed her name, told a story about being beaten up, I believe her wife was close by. Not sure what happened to her. While on, she was advising the Canadian military on their transgender policies. That is courage.

    Sophie

  13. #38
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    Does not confidence build courage?

    BTW, running away from something can also be viewed as running toward something better....depending on what you are running to of course.
    Last edited by Barbara Jo; 05-26-2022 at 12:54 PM.

  14. #39
    Aspiring Member Joanne108's Avatar
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    You can always break the ice on Halloween. And say it is only my costume!

  15. #40
    Aspiring Member Karmen's Avatar
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    Just go slowly. I needed years to dare to go out during the day, let alone to a place where is a lot of people. If you're living in a place where it is safe walking alone at night, go out at night first. It's less people outside to see you and at night it's harder to recognize someone even if you see them, so it's much less likely you will stumble on someone you know or someone could recognize you when they see you. If you live in a big city, go to another part of the city and avoid places where you will have to stand still and wait for something. That way you minimize the chance of someone taking pictures or video of you. With more experience, you will get more confidence and know what works for you best.

  16. #41
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Barbara Jo has a good point, confidence is something we eiother have alot a little or none at all. When i first went i had the confidence to go out but also courage was a bit on the weak side, full of ifs and buts, as it were my first time out nothing happened and the next time it was easier. And for you it will be the same, have faith in yourself and all will be well !!!!
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  17. #42
    Member Read only MiniRock's Avatar
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    I started off going out at night only partly dressed - no makeup, no wig and even a moustache!!! But even now, I couldn't do that in the daytime. The trick is to feel you're somehow in disguise. That means the full Monty - wig, reasonable makeup, handbag, a decently put together outfit, a bit of jewellery, the lot. Also, I think a jacket takes away the feeling of being somehow half dressed and vulnerable. And looks particularly great with a dress.

  18. #43
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    I have found the courage be having a "GOOD REASON" to be out dressed. The first time was a Halloween costume party (I was a Gypsy Fortune Teller---And I WON for best costume) The second time was A "Womanless beauty Contest" at Church. (I didn't win. But then again, there were the ONLY TWO times I have been out in public dresses.---Not much help, but having a good reason makes it much easier.

  19. #44
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    FWIW......

    I began going out in pubic as Barbara shopping waking through town etc when masks were required everywhere. The masks were a great confidence builder.

    However most places no longer require masks and we seem to be slowly beating the virus, in the US at least. Personally I am fully vaccinated with boosters.

    So, today I did my make up extra good to do my shopping etc.... I even applied some nice red lipstick as a great splash of color for my grey hair... as I had something in mind....if I dared

    My second stop was the local Galleria mall. After there for a short wile, I took off my mask and put it in my purse. There was no adverse reaction from anyone, I even interacted briefly with a few females in shops

    My last stop was grocery shopping at the local WalMart super center where I decided to go for broke The mask stayed in my purse and I did my shopping sans a mask.
    I eventually only got a few items so, I went to a self check out. The middle age couple before me had a bit of trouble and apologized to me for their hold up.
    I smiled and related there was no problem

    Going mask less was a big step forward for me and it all went great. It was a great confidence builder for going mask less.

    I do wear a mask (to cover my makeup) going to my car in my apartment complex

    I am going on 75 years old and it's now or never to live and do as I want
    I have no family in the area and just about all my few real friends have either died or move away. So, what do i have to lose I that respect?
    Last edited by Barbara Jo; 05-30-2022 at 02:47 PM. Reason: spelling

  20. #45
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    Life is short don?t regret what you might miss.
    Put one foot in front of the other and walk out that door.
    You will love it!

  21. #46
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    I hear everyone?s stories and I see the confidence in myself growing because when Olivia is free my confidence is there! I just need to keep pushing like y?all said

  22. #47
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    As I said, take some "baby steps" at first to gain confidence.

  23. #48
    Aspiring Member Joanne108's Avatar
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    Even before I got better at creating my female image I went out. I can?t believe I did! But people see what they expect to see.

  24. #49
    Senior Member Fiona_44's Avatar
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    "But people see what they expect to see"

    You are 100% correct Joanne. I understand this more each time I go out en femme.
    "Care about what other people think of you and you will always be their prisoner" - Lao Tzu

  25. #50
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
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    Thanks for all the terrific advice ladies, idk if it was mentioned, but any large downtown office building seems like a good place to go out and remain unmolested in any way. Don't lament Olivia, going out for a drive dressed means you're already ahead of some of us including me, keep on.
    Be the best you, be the true you.
    That said, I love faceapp so much I change my avatar daily

    https://giphy.com/gifs/l0MYEWpv7Ue0RFVaE/html5

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