How to find the courage?

[BustyOlivia]

I see and read all these stories about you girls going out as yourselves and I dream of that!! The most I have done is a short drive, never on a busy road either! How did you get the nerve to be out dressed? I need some ways to empower me!


Olivia

[Helen_Highwater]

Olivia,

Most start as you have with going out in the car, usually at night. Personally I developed that by stopping somewhere quiet and initially, and I remember just how scary this was at the time, getting out and simply walking around the car. Sounds silly now but at the time it was a huge step.

That developed to walking away from the car. Over time the distances increased then one night it turned into a walk around the block. My presentation wasn't that great back then, wardrobe was awful but I did it.

First real human contact, a drive through Mac. I don't think the young lad behind the glass looked at me once. He could have been serving ET for all the notice he took of me.

Wardrobe got better, walks turned into evening window shopping once the stores had closed and fewer folks around.

I won't bore you with the details but eventually I got up the courage to go into a shop. What you learn from that experience is that, like the lad in the drive through, most people don't pay that much attention. Unless you're makeup makes you look like the Joker or you're dressed like a hooker folks generally don't care.

Forget passing. Very few do, certainly I don't but in all the hours I've spent out and about, the worst thing that's happened to me is someone saying, "Thanks MATE" after I'd paid for petrol.

I'm sure others will echo this. Dress to blend, going somewhere with lots of people is safer than a walk around a street late at night. At a busy mall you're just a face in the crowd. You can hide in plain site.

The first time is the hardest but even after a few minutes in a shop your nerves will quiet down and soon you'll be an old hand at it.

[Heather76]

Thank you, Helen, for that information. My 1st time "out" I was in male mode but with a bralette and DD forms under my golf shirt. I stopped to pump gas in my car. I now often drive around similarly adorned but always remove the forms before going inside a store/business. I'd love to drive to a park dressed, get out, and walk around; but, that will have to wait until an evening my wife is out of town.

[Lana Mae]

I had to see how it felt to get out! I was getting bored being in the closet! I got as dressed as I could and took a drive in broad daylight! I passed a male and female police officers and no second glance! I was stopped by road construction and a flagman! no response! I went home! I then thought since I have no wig and no make up, I need a transformation! I booked a transformation and bought a wig! I got make up advice and the rest is history! YMMV Hugs Lana Mae

[Michelle Isgurly]

Wow!! Sounds so much like me. Just a little at a time and the confidence builds up. Thank you for sharing this girl friend, BIG hug

[GraceH]

Like many here, I first drove around dressed, then decided to take a short walk through a park, staying away from others for the most part. One day,, though, I mistakenly thought I'd locked myself out of my car, and took a long walk while I tried to sort out what to do. I passed a couple of people who didn't give me a second look. I finally found my keys in my pocket, so I wasn't locked out after all, but the experience of passing with people I'd walked by gave me the confidence to stretch my bounds on subsequent walks-- same results-- no one reacted. Eventually I became comfortable to the point of going shopping, worked on my voice, and now regularly go into restaurants, shopping and generally spending my day as a woman. Your comfort level evolves as you go on. One of my fun gauges of how well I pass is when someone addresses me as ma'am-- very validating.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Sometimes events create a breakthrough.

I was in Albuquerque on business. I went into a consignment store and found a blouse that I liked. But, I wanted to try it on first to avoid being disappointed later if it turned out not to fit. The dressing room had a "guard", you know someone who would count the clothes you took into the dressing room. I was afraid to go in because I assumed that she would at least laugh at me.

Finally, I decided to do it. So what if she laughed at me. I was out of town and I'd never see her again. So, I took the blouse and walked up to her. She asked me how many items, and I told her that I had one. She didn't even look at the blouse. It didn't matter to her. All she wanted to know was how many items I had. That was easy. BTW, it didn't fit.

I went into a consignment store right next door. I found some harem pants that I liked. I asked the SA if I could try them on. She said, "sure" and pointed me to the dressing rooms. I tried on the haram pants. They fit and I loved them. I came out and told the SA that I wanted to buy them. Then, she did the most amazing thing. She said that I really needed a top. She showed me a few tops but I didn't like them. She kept bringing things over to me that she thought I would like.

The lesson here. I was a customer. She didn't care what I bought as long as I bought something. That was quite a lesson.

[Patience]

I can't help you drum up the courage, but I can advise that you go out on Pride weekend when there are lots of out folks about. That's what I did.

I also suggest you invest in a pair of fem sunglasses so you can avoid eye contact and scan your surroundings discretely from time to time.

[Karren H]

Olivia, my first time out I was 16 and dressed in my mothers clothing. Snuck out of the house and took a walk around the block late at night. The feeling of excitement and being scared to death was amazing! Decades later when I started dressing g again and had mastered makeup I again attempted to go out. It was at a hotel in Price Utah. Must have give to the door and checkered out a dozen time. Finally I just flung the door open and walked out and down the hallway. Passed two guys on the way out. Nearly fainted before I got to the car to take a drive. Then just expanded from there. Every outing pushing the envelope more and more. It is like addicting!

So next time add something extra to your outing . You will have a blast! Trust me!

[kimdl93]

I was a late bloomer as far as getting out of the house is concerned, but then I never allowed myself to dress completely until I was in my early 50s. Once I did, that long feared switch clicked, and I realized I could do this. In short succession I went from daily underdressing, to full en femme to the first step out my front door in broad daylight.

Looking back on those heady days I realize that at some point my need to get out simply overpowered my fears. Perhaps that is what we sometimes mistake for courage

[Liz Jones]

Hi,
This is my story -- it was written for the Beaumont society hence names Ect. This is in the U.K.--

CHESTER, My story,?
Well it was decided to ? come out the closet ? at Harrogate? it didn?t happen due to both the Wife & i getting covid , we had to cancel. It was decided to attend the Chester week end ( Friday only ) So outfit sorted ,new shoes bought & ? worn in ? the only problem ? where to get changed. Our road is narrow & we have camera?s around us plus a neighbour ( female ) with a loud voice so? Both the wife & i came up with the same idea ( had 42 years of practice ! ) use our touring caravan as a changing room? its stored some 7 miles away ,slightly ?off course ? for Chester but?..
So i changed in the caravan & got in the car? it took us 1.5hrs to cover 20 miles , road works lots of traffic & Q?s . We arrived at the Roodee race course ( just down the road from the meeting place ) Walking throught the grandstand there was a lot of workmen around? not a single comment was heard ( wife was a bit concerned )we started walking up the main road . Wife told me to take smaller steps so i did . we progressed on I was getting the hang of things & feeling quite happy when i found myself on my knees & pitching forward with my face about to hit the pavement. I put out my right hand & saved myself at the cost of damaged fingertips. I regained my feet very dazed & confused, wife who was just in front of me looked at the damage while a Lady who was just behind me was very concerned about me & my fall. Investigations revealed left knee -skin on knee mangled with my ( remains of ) stocking mixed in with blood & skin this mixture was stuck to my skirt. Apart from this i was dazed as well? decided i wanted to return home but wife stopped me ( just as well ! ) after a while we progressed on to the venue where we met the many faces i had seen on zoom meetings ? in the flesh ? Wife & i retired to the Ladies room & unstuck my skirt from my knee , glad to say not a lot of blood around. Rejoined the ? gang? though still dazed i did my best to join in. We went outside to ? walk the wall ? ( 1.8 miles ) After walking for a short distance it became apparent i would have to abort . The Wife carried on with the ? gang ? at my insistence while i left the wall & went to the ( Ladies toilet ) it was crowded a lady standing near the ? stalls ? answered my enquiry if she was waiting with a No so i shot in & sorted myself out. Again thought the place was crowded i detected no hostility . I walked back to our car & replaced my ( new ) damaged shoes then returned to the venue , meeting my wife outside the bar. Went inside & joined the ? Gang? . Bit later i went to the ? ladies? & on coming out of the cubical Kay H was repairing her lipstick at the mirror with Her back to the entrance door ? i was facing it? A lady started to come in She looked at Kay & myself & her jaw really dropped !! I rejoined the gang. This was the ONLY reaction i saw all day. Photo?s were taken Kay H demonstrated Her tec ability with a camera?.
the meal was only slightly spoilt by a shortage of certain items on the menu , but non the less a pleasant evening ensued ( even though my left knee tried its best to spoil it ) & too soon it was time to leave & outside it was very ?er? active with a lot of noisy people but by walking down the opposite side of the road from them we had no bother. Returning home ? the pretty way ? due to motorway closure. On getting home i sat in the bathroom with a pair of tweezers picking out bits of nylon from the mess of my knee. So that's my coming out story? think you will agree its not a normal one !
UPDATE,- my knee continues to slowly heal, still cant kneel on it On the Monday i rang my Dr, explained what happened ? She told me to report to the surgery ? NOW ! i was given a full medical ? nothing was found so now awaiting for results from blood test.
SHOES- both toes have gone- scuffed right down?.
SKIRT? soaked it overnight when i got home in cold water, glad to say it wasnt damaged & blood now gone.
OUTLOOK? Well it wasnt what i intended for ? coming out ? but , well ?..
WHAT NEXT ? er?we hope to attend BEWDLEY using our mobile dressing room? hope its not so eventful.. ��

[MonicaPVD]

Olivia, Helen offers good advice. I would add driving to a town that's far enough away to calm your fears about encountering a neighbor, then stopping at a gas station to pump a few dollars of gas (just a minute or two). On your next trip, go into the station and buy a pack of gum or a beverage. That sort of gradual confidence building is key.

There are two fears working against us when we start to go out dressed. First, fear of not passing as a woman. Second, fear of being recognized by someone who knows us.

You can discard the fear of not passing right away. You won't pass. Period. I have been going out for years, arguably look great as Monica, and still would not be mistaken for a cis woman by the majority of people I interact with. But, guess what? It doesn't matter because people don't care. They really don't. They only care about themselves.

The fear of being recognized is a whole other thing. I recommend that you manage that fear by beginning to go out to places that are not near your usual stomping grounds. For example, I used to go to cities or towns that were 20-40 minutes away. The chances of encountering a relative, neighbor, or friend who might recognize my car, and wonder why some awkward looking woman was driving it, were almost nonexistent.

[alwayshave]

Olivia, my first time was to a meeting of other crossdressers. It was at a hotel and I got dressed there. The walk and elevator ride from my room to the conference room was terrifying, but I did not turn back. Being with other crossdressers was liberating. Having done it once, future outings just became easier.

[Jean 103]

I was terrified at first. I had to force myself, telling myself you can do this, just fake it.

Now I live as Jean , have absolutely no fear. I'm the same person the difference is experience.

Just remember you are a woman. Act like one, go and do things a single woman would do. Things you already do.

[Bobbi46]

Courage is not a given thing, its something that is gained slowly by experiences. Nobody can say "just go and do it" sometimes the inner strength is not there and that is not a weakness at all. To go out the first time takes a lot of guts and determination. Its only when the first venture out into the real world without anything scary happening that confidence and courage begins to grow.
Take things slowly at your pace and just be you.

[AllieBellema]

Sometimes the event can help out too. My first time out was actually during a Pride fest. After getting encouraged by a friend, I went ahead and dressed up in one of my full length southern belle gowns and I was nervous at first, but I took a deep breath and dived right in. I had alot of good reactions from others when they saw me and it kept me going for a few hours. Once I was there, it was on and the nerves went away.

[Maria 60]

I also started with short night drives dressed from the waist down and when joining this community my confidence jumped up. The drives became longer and I started stepping out of the car. I knew I was in the right place here because on my first outings I told everyone I was walking in a quiet commercial area and a overwhelming response about the dangers of walking in a quite areas. I then started to complete my look with dressing full when driving and I remember the first time how hard and strange it felt to put on a wig when I went for a drive. I started putting in gas in the car and my biggest step was when I called a crosssdressing store in the city and the owner had mentioned to me if I wanted to go there dressed it would be ok. I took a deep breath and walked on the street and in the store in daylight and the owner pumped my up with confidence to go have a coffee with her in a coffee shop which that day was probably the most amazing day ever. I believe without the help and support of my wife and this community I don't believe I could or would have been so complete and confidence to do what I did.
Not as much now but at one point my confidence level was so high that I got caught in a police spot check and I was so calm and confident that when the police officer approached my window I told him that I'm a crossdresser, first time in my life I said that.
The problem is in life it's human nature to always want more and take bigger steps, my problem is I don't in any way pass that is limited me but I'm still making small strides and believe with small steps you will also

[Fiona_44]

Olivia,

There are a number of things you can do to help ease the fear.

- Read through the many stories here about how gals prepared for their initial trips outside. That is what ultimately gave me the confidence to go out for the first time two weeks ago.
- Your ultimate goal is to blend in as much as possible. Wearing a short skin-tight dress with 44DDDD boobs is okay in the house but not outside. Think leggings, jeans or a reasonable denim skirt.
- I skipped the going out at night part and went out during the day. Used only lipstick and wore women’s sunglasses to hide my non-made up eyes. If you don’t want to bother with a wig get a women’s scarf or kerchief to cover your head.
- Go somewhere like a large park where there are a limited number of people.
- Learn how women walk & sit vs. how men do it and learn how women hold their arms when walking.
- As many others have already said, you will never pass fully. The objective is to blend in and stay inconspicuous.

If you need advice just ask. There are a lot of very helpful gals here.

Fiona

[docrobbysherry]

Olivia, I remember all the times I was dressed to the 9's in my hotel rooms. Terrified to leave my room. I told myself I had to open the door, walk down long hall ways of other rooms filled with vanillas. Then, get on an elevator with other folks.
Then, walk thru casinos crowded with Muggles before finally meeting up with my T girl friends!

Opening that door and walking out was and is always the hardest dam thing to do!

I end up taking a deep breathe with my heart racing and just DO IT!

Nothing very bad has ever happened to me the countless times I've gone out that door. But, the amazing girls I've met and the exciting experiences I've had dressed has changed me and my life forever! I can't imagine my life without Sherry now. And, that "going out the door" anxiety is just part of the thrill!

Just DO IT!

[steffigirl37]

In my mid twenties I worked for a very early morning delivery service which gave me a few opportunities to go out dressed. I would bring clothes and usually change half way thru my route. I particularly enjoyed window shopping at the dress shops and boutiques. I think I was only seen once because at door of one of my stops was a very pretty dress somebody left and I don?t think it was a coincidence.

Once I became a father I stopped. But recently being semi- retired I have had several excursions into parks and cemeteries. Late afternoon or early evening are best. By the time I return home it is dark and I can walked right it my house without notice.

I don?t think of it as having courage. To me it is more of a strong desire. It is a very exhilarating experience. I can?t wait for the next time.

[JohnH]

My neighbors are used to seeing me wearing a dress. I cut the grass wearing a dress, and it's a lot cooler with the dress.
I tried wearing dresses around 2006 and I stuck out like a sore thumb since nobody was wearing dresses. Now that there are plenty of women wearing dresses it's no big deal anymore for me to wear a dress.
So I consider wearing a dress as something ordinary as I no longer am exhilarated with wearing a dress.

[Stephanie47]

Olivia, I was terrified the first time out of the house, and, I did nothing more than drive around my immediate neighborhood. I still stay off I-5 as I do not want to get a flat tire, caught between exits. I stay within my personal comfort zone. Being six foot and 200 pounds (size XL, 18-20) I do not want to become an attraction at the local mall. I am content with my evening strolls through a quiet residential neighborhood within my small city. I created a reason to get out of my car. I dropped off library books at the night return slot. At one particular library branch I parked my car across a wide busy street so I had to wait for all cars to pass. It forced me to walk farther. I also stopped to retrieve one of those free newspapers from boxes all over town. Dropped off mail (actually return reply inserts, unfilled) at those blue USPS boxes all over town. I enjoy the evenings cool air playing with my dress and slip, no pants ever for me! The area for my strolling has two grocery stores. I carry a tote with the logo of one of the stores as if I am a woman returning from shopping. It's not adventurous; just walking around the blocks and maybe window shopping. I found, from a psychological viewpoint, the best time for a prolong stroll is during a light rain. The big black umbrella I use doe a lot of mask my height and bulk to some degree, and, obscure my very masculine face.

This is within my comfort zone. Many will tell you to find a support group. Decades ago my wife gave me the green light to do that. I looked, none to be found. Needs and expectations change, and, I found as I aged, the psychological need to mingle among the masses has waned. The only times I have engaged with fellow humans has been on Halloween. Getting dolled up en femme really is not fooling anyone, but myself. Not being a party goer, Halloween adventures were shopping for party goods at grocery stores. It was minimal interaction, even less now with self checkout, but, it did put me out there. Sometimes it is small baby steps, but, it never leads to a full gallop.

[Comfywithmyself]

I stay within my personal comfort zone. Being six foot and 200 pounds (size XL, 18-20) I do not want to become an attraction at the local mall. I am content with my evening strolls through a quiet residential neighborhood within my small city. I created a reason to get out of my car.

This is my practice as well. I almost exclusively stay inside, but have had times where I wanted to put a nie pair of breasts on and go for a walk. Usually late evening, local quiet park or walking trail somewhere. Not early enough so I'm a center of attention, but not late enough to where I become a weirdo walking around at night.
Maybe a drive here or there. That's about it.

[Bobbi46]

Courage comes with time, at first i was as nervous as nervous can be, It all comes down telling oneself "I can do it " and out you go. but take small steps,go to safe places and above all else DON't dress to be looked at. Many of us say "dress to blend", wise words because if you are dressed in what to woean is "everyday wear" you will be fine.
After your first "proper" time out where everything was just fine you will feel better in yourself and the next time will be easier than the first and so forth.
Go for it girl you can do it!!!

[valerie anne]

Don't go out late at night, or walk round supposedly "safe" places in the dark.

Instead, visit crowded places where everybody is busy with their own affairs. It's a lot safer and actually nobody cares what you look like.

I have developed my confidence by local supermarket visits. Everybody pushing trollies is on autopilot. I started wearing a bra under a loose top, but now I carry my bust and bra straps fairly openly under quite feminine tops. I wear modest lip gloss and heeled sandals.

In fact I would claim that I present myself better than many of the women shoppers!