Always on my mind

[*ROXY*]

I've been crossdressing for years, mostly in private but had a few nights out fully dressed, makeup and wigs and loved it although a little scary stepping out of the hotel room (that never seems to get easier). I find myself more and more thinking about what it would be like to be Roxy full time, dressing how I want, when I want, I've dreamt about having breasts and had dreams where I looked very feminine in the mirror but woke up my slowly ageing man face looks anything but. Several things hold me back. My wife, kids, job prospects, so in reality I'll probably just end up as I am, dressing when I can, Wearing false nails and underdressing every day. I know a lot of you have DADT relationships with your partner and I'm very fortunate to be able to dress when I please but that doesn't mean I don't want more. This seems to be always on my mind to the point of distraction a lot of the time. The thought of surgery doesn't horrify me, the need to pass isn't massively important but I just don't know what to do.
I love my wife and family, I know, as supportive as she is my wife would not want to stay with me as a woman, that's not what she signed up for. I suppose what will happen in reality is I'll stay as I am, but always wondering what if. Is anyone else in the same situation or having the same thoughts but holding back for their partner/family ?

When I can look like this and feel amazing taking it all off hurts.

[Sandi Beech]

Although I have been able to go out quite a few times since February, it is still not enough. I think about it all the time. Oddly though, if I did have the freedom to go full time, I would not. For me it is just too time consuming for a full transformation and I really do not have much desire to go out with minimal makeup, etc. I understand your feelings because those of us with unaccepting SOs have to limit out dressing in order to maintain the status quo in our relationships. Doing so is difficult at times. I just look forward to my next outing and in my mind I am free to imagine whatever I want. Fortunately people can not read my mind. Well maybe the people hear can ; )

Good luck to you. Hang in there.

Sandi

[Debra Russell]

"When I can look like this and feel amazing taking it all off hurts."

Yes! we know and it's a let down - just waiting until the next time..........................Debra

[Joyce Swindell]

I'm kind of in the same boat with you. My wife has stated she didn't sign up for me to be full time Joyce. I wear a nightgown most every night and underdress every day. None of which is a problem for her. We have an old CD group here in Orlando that I have actually become the president of (different long story). I find that having regular meetings has helped me with managing the pink fog. I enjoy being male doing the male things that I do. It just doesn't make sense to me to wear a nice blouse while working in the garage or on the truck. However, I will wear girl jeans and earrings and maybe a bra (depending on who might see me). So the desire to be Joyce is always there.
I purposefully got more involved with our local CD group to help me with having an outlet to be me on a regular basis. (as well as some other reasons). I think that we as CD's must make time for it.

My 2 cents

Joyce

[Jessica Secret]

In my case I feel very lucky that I have a boyfriend who is accepting, supportive and encouraging. I'm closeted but I don't have to hold back when we're together, and I don't.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and married fifty plus years. My wife said, when we had "The Talk," "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!!!" That was circa mid 1980's. Nothing has changed. I did the fully attired and make up routine when I was young; mostly Halloween. Currently, with Covid and my wife's retirement, dressing time has been limited to sleeping in a nightgown, bra and panty and slip. I went through "grabbing crumbs of time" when the urge to dress was dominant. Yep, all those fear issues; family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, church, etc, etc, etc. When my wife went to visit our daughter or her cousin I had the opportunity for 24/7 time 7 to 10 days. It was great. It got all the pent up frustrations washed away. The thing is, I also like my male self. There are a lot of "What ifs" in life. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side of the fence. If it is not a case of being born into the wrong body, which really is the issue of living an authentic life, you have to make some hard choices and live with them.

My cure for longing for days past when I was young and had a youthful face and body is to read the obituaries every Sunday as see the number of men and women who have passed on who were younger than I.

[Kris Burton]

I understand and can relate to what you are saying Roxy. I began actively crossdressing last summer, at age 69. Since then, this interest is on my mind constantly, a perpetual state of pink fog. It seems like everything I do is somehow related to the next time I can dress. I came out to my wife shortly after I began; after a few tense days she was accepting and now even participates a bit. Her one condition is that I do not dress publicly - and sometimes that is the thing I want to do most. However, I think that is an equitable trade off in order to retain my marriage of 40 years and my family. I compensate by taking lots of pictures (which has revived an old interest of mine in photography generally, a positive development ) and posting many of them here and elsewhere. That is my community outreach so to speak. I also greatly enjoy interacting with others in the virtual world. I'd like more, but I must recognize for me what is real and what is fantasy, and enjoy that. It certainly beats having to sneak around. So, I guess I will remain in the closet, even if my wife is in there with me.

[MonicaPVD]

Some of us decided a while back that it was not worth the turmoil and loss to change our vanilla lives at this point. Whatever works for you and your situation is all that matters. No two will be the same.

[Kris Burton]

And vanilla is a very good flavor, especially if you can enjoy pistachio mint from time to time.

[Heather76]

My situation is very similar to that which Kris describes. My CD journey started 2 years ago at age 74. My wife was somewhat taken aback when I told her. At the time I was just wearing panties. As I've taken this journey, she has become more and more accepting. She doesn't participate; but, she's been quite nice about it with me. I do not care to transition at all. I also do not care to come out of the closet with friends and relatives. However, what I would like is to be able to dress fully (wig and makeup) at home with no restrictions. At this time, my wife isn't interested in seeing me with makeup which I also interpret to include a wig. I would also love for us to take short trips out of the area where I could be dressed while we go shopping, out for dinner, a walk in the park, etc.

[docrobbysherry]

I was like u, Roxy, but not anymore!

For 10 years I was able to dress as much as I liked when the kids were with my divorced ex. But, what I thot I wanted was my own breasts and to become a female.

Then, I purchased my first silicone, female suit. After blowing my mind seeing what appeared to be a pretty young woman, NAKED, in my mirror? I soon lost my long held interest in becoming female.
Apparently I only needed to look like one!

[Pumped]

Part of me would love to dress full time, but reality is it is just a weird "hobby" and I will never dress outside the home. I also feel sad when I strip it all away and go back to the male side of life.
Often when we go out for dinner or some other date I just want to slip on a pair of high heels and wear them with men's dress pants and shirt, but I don't feel safe doing so.

There was a feminine guy that got beat up here not too long ago. I will not take that chance.

[kimdl93]

Life is full of compromise. Seems like you have a pretty good situation, with a fairly supportive partner and the opportunity to express yourself at home and occasionally in public. Perhaps that is enough for now. The future may allow you to take steps towards your ideal with the continued support of your wife.

[KymG]

"When I can look like this and feel amazing taking it all off hurts."

Totally understand that, and you do look awesome.

[JocelynJames]

I understand your feelings, although surgery terrifies me . But most of the time I think of myself as a supporting or extra actor, by no means the lead.I might think differently if I had a job where I could dress as Joss daily, but that?s just not the case. I?m also in that boat that my wife would most likely be done if I went 24/7. In reality , would I stay if she wanted to look and dress as a man? Nope. If you?re driven to it, if it?s literally all you think about, if you?ve tried it for a month straight and it?s still not enough, I?d say it?s probably got to happen. I?m not there. And yes, you do look really good.

[April Rose]

Everyone is different , and a lot of it is about finding a comfort level. I wear earrings 24/7 and I am having my beard removed by electrolysis. I am out to close friends, but not my neighbors or the general public . If I need to go farther I will go farther, but I always try to do the minimum that my comfort and peace of mind will accept.

[Jessax101]

Roxy,

You look amazing as you feel that way..

I know the feeling..although I?ve only been dressing for a short time, it seems to be on my mind quite a bit. I?ve made a comment or two to an acquaintance that it is sort of scary that I enjoy and look forward to dressing and going out, which has only been twice.

You are fortunate to have the freedom to dress and go out with your wife knowing and accepting, along with you being ok with that. I personally do not have the need or desire to include my wife in my experiences..it?s hard to give advice as everyone has different circumstances and situations as has been mentioned previously.

All I could offer is to enjoy what you have now and keep the door open for possibilities?

Hang in there!

Jess.

[CDLagras]

for me its exactly the same.. Sometime is just wish to wake up as a women.. how it would feel to have breasts and all.. But if the male mode has build up too many responsibilities it is almost impossible to transition...

[Debbie Denier]

Even though opportunities are limited for me. I am the same . I used to take leave from work to spend time at my accepting mums house. Then I could dress 24/7.It can be an insatiable desire.

[RoxieChristine]

Roxy, I'm about the same. My wife doesn't know and I know would never accept it. Luckily I've traveled alot with work and that is where I finally realized my desire to completely dress up. For now it is alot of waiting for the next travel.