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Thread: The why do you want to cross dress conversation.

  1. #26
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    Jul 2011
    Some things can’t be explained in words. Why does one melody sound beautiful, while a similar melody sounds bad? You can analyze it, but it really doesn’t help much. When I get all dolled up with makeup a feminine wig and nice clothes, I can look in the mirror and know why I do it. But explain it in words? No way!

    While it’s true that skirts and dresses are way more comfortable than pants (I hate wearing pants), it doesn’t go far enough, for me. For me, skirts and dresses feel correct. Pants do not. Don’t ask me why.
    What do I do on days when I don't crossdress? I have no idea.

  2. #27
    Amanda countrygirl's Avatar
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    Oct 2007
    Sandston, Virginia
    I had the a similar conversation with my family when they asked why. Of course the question started to fly was it a turn on or did I want to be a woman. I explained that no I just feel better when I get to express this side of me. My sister understood better than parents but she is 2 years younger than I and has friends that have transgender family members. I really couldn't explain it partly do to them yelling and screaming and calling me all sorts of nasty names. It is hard to understand. I tried to get them to come to the local support group to just to listen to the other folks stories because in reality in we all have such the same story. I have accepted this part of me a long time ago. I don't fight it in embrace it and I actually enjoy it better now that I have not fought it. I am looking at micro dosing hrt. Not to transition but to help with the dsyphora. Talked to my doctor about it and he mentioned that I would need to see a endocrinologist. Some days I want nothing to do with being Amanda. There are other days that I can't stop being her. I let it happen when and how it happens and frankly I am SO much happier now I do this and everyone of us needs to find our own way to do this. If I can only find Mr. Right who understands this.

  3. #28
    Member Teresa.Smith.VA's Avatar
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    May 2021
    Quote Originally Posted by Pumped View Post
    I told my wife if she could figure out why we like to dress she would be a rich woman!
    I told my wife that if she would get paid for every hour we discussed why I like to dress she would be a rich woman!
    Fact: Some members can never post pictures in their feminine finery to support their stories and experiences. Please be understanding and kind.

  4. #29
    Junior Member Pernille Tiratzo's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    I just had this conversation with a male friend, very respektfull and a good person. Offcourse he asked this question, "why?". I told him it made me feel happy and pretty. He smiled and said thats a reason as good as any. I agree.

  5. #30
    Member SuzyZahn's Avatar
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    Apr 2005
    The `why`?
    I told her, its sexy
    i told her, it relaxs me,an escape
    I told her, it feels delish
    I told her, it heightens all my sensesI told her, makes me sub to her
    I told her, no I wont transition
    I told her, I did this before I knew her,,,and i`ll do it after i know her if she prefers
    I told her, Its `Me`and I adore it

  6. #31
    Once upon a time... Veronica Lacey's Avatar
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    Aug 2008
    Hey there Ladyjade...

    It's a truly beautiful conundrum that your wife still pursues her interest in who her husband is, that you both can share discussion in this way, yes? She does not sound confused so much as fascinated by your depth, perhaps something much less common with many other men she's ever known.

    I'll avoid the dissection of the philosophical theory behind this reply (as it would be too ironic) and suggest that I tend to subscribe to something along the lines of "Occam's razor" which "in simplicity: of two competing theories, the simpler explanation of an entity is to be preferred."

    The rare moment so many years ago now when my wife asked me the "why do you..." question I replied that I just do. I can supply all manner of history, hyperbole and conjecture if it pleases but the bottom line is the simplest explanation. I find preference in wearing a variety of "female" attire as much as preference wearing a variety of "male" attire. This belief provides as much sensible explanation as to why I tend to choose chocolate over vanilla and strawberry (but could enjoy them all), rejoice in rainy days with or without an umbrella and boots to sunny days with or without sandals and sunglasses (but could enjoy all) or wish to be more than one place at the same time.

    I long ago detached from overexplaining this one to anyone so long as I feel comfortable reasoning it to myself. I know the answers for me and have no way of bending my truths to make it more digestible or plausible to another.

    It's a good life even if it goes without explanation sometimes

  7. #32
    Junior Member
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    May 2022
    Northeastern Illinois
    Being fairly new to crossdressing, I have asked myself this question a lot. And, I have yet to come up with a completely satisfactory answer. And I am beginning to not care! Maybe I shouldn?t question something that touches me on so many levels! I have spent a lifetime searching for something to calm the overactive thought process in my mind, and nothing works as well as this. Not meditation, not exercise, although they help some. But there is something about getting into femme mode and snuggling up to a good book that is just heaven! I would be lying if I said that there isn?t a sexual component to it. There is, and that?s nice. But anything that makes you feel this good is bound to enhance that part of life also, I think. You know, maybe I just answered my question!

  8. #33
    Member Julia1984's Avatar
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    Dec 2015
    East of England
    Quote Originally Posted by AngelaYVR View Post
    Maddeningly, the best answer to the question is to show them but you can’t get to that stage until they are happier with your reasons. Swings and roundabouts. After my wife had been out with me a couple of times and saw how I lived this part of my life then she understood that it was who I am, woven into my tapestry as surely as a fish knows how to swim. The why is a blind alley, we just are! But nobody is going to be happy with that explanation.
    That is the most concise, most accurate and most truthful thing I have read on here for really quite a long time. Thank you. It's brutal, but it's right.

  9. #34
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Jan 2013
    New Zealand
    I've done 57 hard years of being me (well maybe 56.5 years of being me and 0.5 years "on vacation from me")
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at

  10. #35
    Aspiring Member April Rose's Avatar
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    Oct 2017
    I haven't had that conversation recently, since I am alone now, but after reading this thread, if I am ever asked the "why?" question again I think my response will be as follows: "That's a really valid question, and I will try to answer it as best I can, but first, so that we have a context in which to proceed, can you explain to me why you are the way you are."

    Who knows; they may even be able to do it. At least then I'll know what the ground rules are.
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

  11. #36
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    You know, I'm not married yet but this would absolutely be a concern for me. Speaking from personal experience, it's not really a "why I need to dress", but more of a "need to dress", if that makes any sense.

  12. #37
    New Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2021
    Baton Rouge
    We have had the conversation a couple of times, but finally just decided it was a fact. He enjoys it, and it's part of who he is, so how can we make it both enjoyable and guilt-free for him, while making sure I'm not uncomfortable. I mean, I love hockey, it's just who I am, and he has to accept that. In the end it's not that different. We all have different things that make us feel happy or fulfilled or at peace and it's sort of impossible to track down the "why" of those things. My feeling is that everybody should be allowed to love what they love, and people in relationships just need to be open to finding a happy medium in the expression of our personalities.

  13. #38
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
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    Nov 2020
    Aside from the myriad of underlying reasons why we desire to dress, at the root isn't it simply because it helps bring out the woman in us? My wife noticed the second I'm dressed I walk differently, I always knew that but always thought I was trying to walk that way.
    Be the best you, be the true you.
    That said, I love faceapp so much I change my avatar daily

  14. #39
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    Feb 2009
    Madison AL
    On the subject of hip sway, I wanted to know so I found a nice explanation at. with graphics. There is a real reason for the hip sway.

    I also saw a great talk on the show called "TED" by Johann Hari about depression and anixiety. I think we crossdressers use our dressing as one of his "COW"s. Give it a listen. It is NOT about cross dressing but it is about depression and anxiety. Please give a listen.
    Leslie Mary Shy
    Remember this:
    You do not have to be a man to love a woman, or be a woman to love women's clothes on her or yourself.

  15. #40
    Gold Member
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    Aug 2009
    Quote Originally Posted by Kris Burton View Post
    It seems most folks are saying here "I do it because I enjoy it" or some such variant. I think that's an excellent reason for doing something.
    You hit the nail on the head. I dress because I Like it. I wear a skirt around the house every day. I would not have it any other way.

  16. #41
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Aug 2016
    Southern California
    If say she is afraid of where it is going and I?d say that is a completely legitimate fear. You told her that you like the clothing for the comfort, but by your own admission, you don?t feel comfortable presenting without makeup and bra and the whole deal. Makeup and bras are NOT comfortable so your wife has obviously seen through that excuse. So why DO you like to crossdress? If you can?t articulate it, then maybe you don?t understand it, and if you don?t understand it, how can you ever say definitively where the limits and ends are?
    Maybe it?s time to reflect on why you enjoy it and what you want to get out of it.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    If you ask me, “because I like it” isn’t a REASON. Of COURSE you like doing something you’re doing voluntarily. That doesn’t answer the question because then you can just replace the original question with “Why do you like crossdressing?” Is that really a different question than “why do you crossdress?”

  17. #42
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Jun 2017
    Central Fla.
    Micki_Finn, you're right in saying that makeup and bras aren't comfortable - and in a sense, you just might be wrong at the same time.


    Well - I agree that PHYSICALLY, bras, girdles, pantyhose (the list goes on...) can be quite uncomfortable.

    So why do so many of us do it?

    I'd like to suggest that for some of us (I'm including myself in this group) - we find an EMOTIONAL sense of comfort from wearing feminine things. I think that THIS is what many of us mean.

    I know that for myself, I feel much more "at home" when I'm not wearing anything from the men's wear department. I get a sense of "comfort" when I'm dressed that I just don't get from a t-shirt and jeans (my man costume). It's got little to do with physical comfort though. For example, I'll find myself complaining about my nighties tangling around my legs or bunching up underneath me in bed - but I wouldn't dream of taking them off, or wearing men's PJ's instead. That would just feel wrong somehow and I'm "uncomfortable" wearing them.

    Now, if I'm asked why I like it, I guess I could always counter with "Why do you like onions? They're nasty!" IOW, different strokes, and all that.
    I am who/what I am. I can't change that, and frankly, I've stopped trying to.

    I hope I'm making sense - at least a little. It's hard to put into words sometimes.

  18. #43
    Member Read only MiniRock's Avatar
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    Mar 2018
    Wien (Vienna)
    The problem, it seems to me, is that most cross dressers do it as a turn on. Which they know sounds a bit dodgy. Especially as it's kind of self-sufficient. So they try to give their wives an alternative, more palatable explanation. Even saying I don't know is a bit of a cop-out. I've told my partner that it has a sexual side. And she's seen me starting to get aroused if I try on something new. But fortunately, she's open minded enough not to care. But I think she might be quite unusual.

  19. #44
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Jul 2018
    New England
    Because I like women's clothes because I like to look like a woman because I like to feel like a woman because I like to be treated like a woman because I always wished that I was a woman.
    I will never be a woman. So I do this.

  20. #45
    Senior Member Geena75's Avatar
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    Mar 2013
    As stated, there are a myriad of 'reasons' or just things going on when I dress. There is definitely a sexual, or fetish aspect of it, but if that were the defining part I would probably dress more often and for shorter periods of time. There is the curiosity aspect of it, discovering what a woman might feel like dressed up pretty, but then a couple times later curiosity would be satisfied and done. "I enjoy it" would prompt the response "What do you enjoy about it," and back to square one.

    Probably the defining point for me right now is being someone else, or at least appearing to be. I am consistently amazed at how little resemblance there is between drab me and Geena (owing a lot to wearing a face mask, I'm sure), and it's both stimulating and relaxing to do it. It would also explain why I would want to venture out and about dressed up -- it sort of certifies that I appear to be someone else. I recall someone meeting friends when dressed and having to announce that "it's me," and that struck a chord inside me. It's fun to not be me now and then.

  21. #46
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    I don't dress to get a turn on. I can't say that hasn't happened as a result of crossdressing from time to time, but it's not the reason. Certainly as I've aged, it doesn't have much of an affect in that category anymore anyway. Yet, the urge to crossdress is as strong as before. It's not the reason.

    I don't crossdress because I like to crossdress either. It's not the reason. It is a benefit of crossdressing, but it's not the reason.

    For me, the reason is there is a feminine aspect to me that demands expression. If I don't express it, over time it impacts me in negative ways. I need to crossdress as it is a part of me that needs expression. I need to be able to feel and/or look feminine at least partially in my appearance. This is why women's slacks/jeans/leggings don't really do it for me. It's dresses and skirts for me. This is why flats don't really do it for me. It's heels. Same for socks as opposed to hosiery, or plain underwear as opposed to frilly underwear, etc. I need to feel it, I need to see it, I need to have that expression of being feminine. That is the reason, and it's the only real reason. Anything else I get from it is a benefit, but not a reason.

  22. #47
    Member Joanne108's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    Buffalo, NY
    My why was that I enjoy it. I go through a slow transformation from my male look to that of a totally female look. It blows me away that I can in less than 45 minutes look just like a woman! And I love it.
    She said, Okay, but I still don?t get it.
    I said, You get to be beautiful all day every day. I get to be beautiful about less than ten percent of that time. It?s rare for me so I do it and look forward to the next opportunity.

  23. #48
    Member Marissa Q's Avatar
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    Sep 2021
    SF Bay Area, CA (US)
    Quote Originally Posted by NancyJ View Post
    The question Why is often a shame-inducing question as in when parents ask their child why did you hit your brother, or a wife who disapproves of her husbands drinking asks why do you drink so much? There is usually no satisfactory answer as the person asking the question really is just expressing their disapproval.
    Possibly. But not providing a satisfactory answer is often dissimulation; it frees the subject of any real responsibility since the real reason behind an action is never revealed. And it is often this dissimulation that drives an SO/wife/parent to despair.
    There are always real reasons behind every human action.

    Quote Originally Posted by MiniRock View Post
    The problem, it seems to me, is that most cross dressers do it as a turn on. Which they know sounds a bit dodgy. Especially as it's kind of self-sufficient. So they try to give their wives an alternative, more palatable explanation. Even saying I don't know is a bit of a cop-out.
    You're right. "I don't know" is almost always a cop-out, generally associated with childlike behavior. It is, prima facie, an avoidance of the question. Even worse, it has no therapeutic value for the person uttering it save to defer a reckoning with the self.

    Quote Originally Posted by MiniRock View Post
    I've told my partner that it has a sexual side. And she's seen me starting to get aroused if I try on something new. But fortunately, she's open minded enough not to care. But I think she might be quite unusual.
    Good for you! And she might not be unusual at all given that you offered her a reasonable and believable explanation that she can understand and even identify with.
    Last edited by Marissa Q; 05-28-2022 at 01:38 PM.

  24. #49
    Member 1Ladyjade's Avatar
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    Jan 2022
    Hampton, VA
    Something my wife has asked since that day. In conversations before I said I liked the sensuality of the femme clothing. Since I made this original post she asked if you like the feel then why all the shapewear and makeup. The feeling is lost behind the shapewear and makeup serves no feeling. So there is more than just sensual aspect of cross dressing. I am trying look more feminine. So she is struggling with the you sure your not gay or wanting to transition. No I am happy in my man skin. I just enjoy putting on a dress and being free for a little while.

  25. #50
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    The simple answer for me is I love wearing lingerie and expressing my inner woman. My boyfriend and I had that conversation while we were still in the dating stage many years ago, he asked out of curiosity and made it clear that he was accepting, supportive and encouraging of me in that regard. I told him I just loved fem clothing and wanted to feel like a woman. When we got into a relationship I told him that I wore romantic lingerie to bed almost every night because I loved feeling feminine at bedtime. Needless to say he was pretty happy and excited about that and couldn't wait to actually see me wear it, which he was beyond excited when I did that first time.

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