The why do you want to cross dress conversation.

[1Ladyjade]

Last night wife and I anchored the boat hoping for a quiet cool evening on water. She recently bought us matching pocket dresses to wear as lounge wear in the evenings. She is ok with me in that but no bra or makeup. So just a man in a dress. While it's comfortable to wear I am not comfortable not presenting femme. So last night she asked why do I like to cross dress. I've told her in the past the dresses are very comfortable. So she reminded me that's what I had said. Then she says but you take it to the next level. You put on ahapewear to hide your man bulge and put on a bra and makeup to appear as a women. It smelled like a trap so I really couldn't give her a good answer to that so I just sort of let it go. The night before I showed her my hidden folder of Jade pictures on my phone. She questioned where did the blue shoes come from. I told her somebody left them in a trash bag. And they just happen to be your size. Well yea and so I couldn't throw them away. Then she saw a couple blouses she had thrown away. Is that my shirt? You threw it away I have lots of skirts but no tops to go with. I think she is getting used to the idea. But she lives too far in her own head. Since there is no logic to crossdressing she may never fully accept it. But Im not going to push and I will hope that someday she may want to meet Jade.

[alwayshave]

Jade, my wife is very accepting and has asked why I do it. I have no answer. It's a compulsion that I have always had and know that I'm never going to stop. She knows that I take care of her and I'm masculine other than when dressed and that's good enough for her.

[1Ladyjade]

She has said before her concern is that in the near future I am going to come to her and say I want to transition. But I do not. I am happy in my man skin. I just enjoy slipping in femme for a few hours if I can. But being I dress at work I know that at any minute they could call me and need me somewhere. At which point I am stripping Jade off and back to drab. When it was cold I would leave my stockings on put on my pants and resolve the issue and run back to get Jade out again. But now it's shorts weather can't be underdressing now.

[Jenn A116]

I've had my wife and a very good GG friend ask that question. I honestly answered that I really don't know why. I just enjoy doing it.

[char GG]

It seems good that since she started this conversation, keep up the communication. There will probably be more questions. I suggest, just answer honestly, even if you don't know the answer yourself. She is trying to learn about YOUR thoughts. Since everyone is different, it seems this was a good talk.

[kimdl93]

At least you are having the conversation and able to share your images with her without adverse consequences. Thats a step in the right direction

[Cheryl T]

I've been asked that many times.
I told one person that if I had the answer to Why that I could make a million dollars writing the definitive book on the subject.
I have no idea why but personally I believe it's genetic. I have my reasons for that belief, but no proof it's true. After decades of searching for the answer I finally relegated it to the Big Foot category. The answer may exist, but I haven't seen it. Once I gave up the search life became so much easier.

[Pumped]

I told my wife if she could figure out why we like to dress she would be a rich woman!

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I had "The Talk" back in the early 1980's the "Why?" question arose. After some bullshit answers I told her "I do not know why I do what I do!" I also told her I wish I did not do what I do. Frankly, life would have been a lot simpler if I was not driven to wear women's attire. My recommendation for any man trying to explain himself is to avoid saying something to a woman akin to "getting in touch with your feminine side." If my wife and I were to have a conversation I could tell her how wearing women's attire makes me feel which does not answer the question of why I may have chosen wearing women's attire in the first place.

Ladyjade's wife asked a valid question. If a guy finds a dress more comfortable than "X" why does he strap on a bra with false boobs, makeup and a wig? My granddaughter raided my closet and took several of my flannel shirts to wear with her young men's jeans which fit her better than women's jeans. She has long hair; currently blue. She does not apply false facial hair. She does not roll up a sock and stick it in her pants.

I really cannot explain why I am wearing a long white nylon nightgown as I bang away on the keyboard.

[Leelou]

When my wife and I had "The Talk" back in the early 1980's the "Why?" question arose. After some bullshit answers I told her "I do not know why I do what I do!" I also told her I wish I did not do what I do. Frankly, life would have been a lot simpler if I was not driven to wear women's attire. My recommendation for any man trying to explain himself is to avoid saying something to a woman akin to "getting in touch with your feminine side." If my wife and I were to have a conversation I could tell her how wearing women's attire makes me feel which does not answer the question of why I may have chosen wearing women's attire in the first place.

Ladyjade's wife asked a valid question. If a guy finds a dress more comfortable than "X" why does he strap on a bra with false boobs, makeup and a wig? My granddaughter raided my closet and took several of my flannel shirts to wear with her young men's jeans which fit her better than women's jeans. She has long hair; currently blue. She does not apply false facial hair. She does not roll up a sock and stick it in her pants.

I really cannot explain why I am wearing a long white nylon nightgown as I bang away on the keyboard.

That's an interesting take that you don't think that's a good idea. For me personally, I've used a variation of that to explain why I like to crossdress. I don't use the somewhat cliche "getting in touch with my feminine side". Rather I express what my best understanding of what and who I am. I say that I feel that I fall on the Transgender spectrum. There are aspects of my personality and identity that do fall on the feminine side. Wearing women's clothes helps me express that feminine side of myself.

So for me, I find the question pretty easy to answer.

[Rachelakld]

I've done 57 hard years of being me (well maybe 56.5 years of being me and 0.5 years "on vacation from me")

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

I told my wife if she could figure out why we like to dress she would be a rich woman!

I told my wife that if she would get paid for every hour we discussed why I like to dress she would be a rich woman!

[Camille58]

Being fairly new to crossdressing, I have asked myself this question a lot. And, I have yet to come up with a completely satisfactory answer. And I am beginning to not care! Maybe I shouldn?t question something that touches me on so many levels! I have spent a lifetime searching for something to calm the overactive thought process in my mind, and nothing works as well as this. Not meditation, not exercise, although they help some. But there is something about getting into femme mode and snuggling up to a good book that is just heaven! I would be lying if I said that there isn?t a sexual component to it. There is, and that?s nice. But anything that makes you feel this good is bound to enhance that part of life also, I think. You know, maybe I just answered my question!

[Kris Burton]

It seems most folks are saying here "I do it because I enjoy it" or some such variant. I think that's an excellent reason for doing something.

[RADER]

It seems most folks are saying here "I do it because I enjoy it" or some such variant. I think that's an excellent reason for doing something.

You hit the nail on the head. I dress because I Like it. I wear a skirt around the house every day. I would not have it any other way.

[Elllie]

Really if you think about it, asking 'why' is quite an odd thing to do. I doubt many would ask that about other interests that people have. Why do you like reading, playing sports, going to the theatre? You like these things because you do.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Started as a fetish, but NOW I find it is a "Vacation from MYSELF"---An escape from ME and all my little worries and also an escape from the stresses and obligations of "manhood" itself.---I can COMPLETELY relax and unwind and relieve ALL my stress. not to mention the erotic effect and the feel of simply "being pretty".

[DianeT]

This is the problem of pretending it's just for the clothes when it's not. If it's just for the clothes then you don't need wigs, boobs and hip forms. My wife asked the same question. I told her that my dressing was initially motivated by a curiosity and fascination about females, with some level of identification (not a female side, but simply wanting to try some taboo, sensual experiences), with a clear sexual driver (even though I started before puberty).
It has evolved since I bought my own clothes at 50+, now I am more interested in playing with the female presentation and its various incentives (feeling elegant, enjoying the game of transformation, feeling complete by venturing on both sides of the gender separation line). But, but, but, and I told this right after I came out to my wife: there is always an erotic subtext to my dressing. It used to be the main motivation. Not anymore, and my sessions have turned lately more into a dressing showroom where I try different looks. But even if it receded, it is still there. I am a heterosexual man and I can't immerse myself in a sea of female cues (boobs forms wig) without some level of trouble and tingling. The taboo of crossing the line, the shock of appearing in the mirror as a woman, has an harmonic to it that comes from that erotic vibe.
So, it's not, it never was, just for the clothes. And that's ok. That, and a ton of other vibes and feelings, is what makes the experience so rich and enticing.

[April Rose]

One of the most productive conversations I ever had with my late wife was when I finally admitted to my self and to her that I really couldn't explain why I was the way I was even to myself, let alone to her. It can't be defended logically because it is not about reason it is about feelings and emotions.

[Mary Loo]

This is a really interesting thread.

Jade, I had a similar conversation with my wife a few weeks ago. It went similar to several posts here. She asked, if it was just about the clothes, then why the wig and makeup ( I have only bought my first wigs about 2 months ago, and have only practiced with makeup four times, now ). The point was she was seemingly better with it all when it was just clothes. Now she is more concerned I think, and honestly, the biggest issue is she just can’t understand and I can’t do a very good job of explaining it or giving her satisfactory answers. She understood better as a sort of sexual taboo/turn on and much like Diane it is evolving for me, though still at its core it is mentally a little arousing, but not so much physically anymore. It is more about the emulation and presentation to me, than the previous experience of simply the dressing. She is actually more concerned that it isn’t as sexual anymore. I truly wish I could explain it better, but she has never really been the overly girly type ( even less so as she ages ) and considers getting dressed up and makeup and such not as “fun”, but as work and a hassle and much like most on here, is never quite fully happy with her results.

We were having a conversation this weekend at one point discussing way back when, 30 years ago, when she was bridal shopping and again, she saw it as a job and annoying to have to “figure out” all the dresses to try on and how to get in and out of them. She told me at one point she had tried a pretty expensive dress at a nice boutique near her job at the time. I asked did it feel extra special or nice and she basically replied, meh, not so much. My whole point is the argument about feeling pretty and feminine and playing dress up it lost on her because she doesn’t necessarily enjoy it, herself, so even harder to understand why her man would.

She has been wonderful and trying not to play spoiler to my habits and even has been helpful with some purchases and advice, but wants NO part of seeing me or pictures or ever truly understanding, even if she herself is trying to be understanding of my feelings.

The whole thing is a big, crazy, confusion of I don’t knows, but I do appreciate reading about everyone else’s situations and conversations. It is helpful.

[NancyJ]

The question Why is often a shame-inducing question as in when parents ask their child why did you hit your brother, or a wife who disapproves of her husbands drinking asks why do you drink so much? There is usually no satisfactory answer as the person asking the question really is just expressing their disapproval. Why do I dress?: Personally, I dress to soothe my gender dysphoria. It calms me, and I LOVE feminine things. This is, honestly, what I have told my wife (and she does not like this answer). Nancy

[Leslie Mary S]

To me the question is "Why do I dress feminine?" The only answer to myself is "because I like the feel". Then I ask "Why the bras, forms, and hip pads?" and the answer is "They fill out the clothes to the design/form they were cut for." Then I ask myself "Why the makeup, wigs, and shoes?" and my answer is "The outfits I am wearing just look better with all the assorted support things that a woman wears with them". To me it is the feel AND the look that I like.

I ask you why do you wear a bracelet or a necklace when it is the feel of the cloth and the cut of the cloth that you claim that you do it for?

[Marissa Q]

The question Why is often a shame-inducing question as in when parents ask their child why did you hit your brother, or a wife who disapproves of her husbands drinking asks why do you drink so much? There is usually no satisfactory answer as the person asking the question really is just expressing their disapproval.

Possibly. But not providing a satisfactory answer is often dissimulation; it frees the subject of any real responsibility since the real reason behind an action is never revealed. And it is often this dissimulation that drives an SO/wife/parent to despair.
There are always real reasons behind every human action.

The problem, it seems to me, is that most cross dressers do it as a turn on. Which they know sounds a bit dodgy. Especially as it's kind of self-sufficient. So they try to give their wives an alternative, more palatable explanation. Even saying I don't know is a bit of a cop-out.

You're right. "I don't know" is almost always a cop-out, generally associated with childlike behavior. It is, prima facie, an avoidance of the question. Even worse, it has no therapeutic value for the person uttering it save to defer a reckoning with the self.

I've told my partner that it has a sexual side. And she's seen me starting to get aroused if I try on something new. But fortunately, she's open minded enough not to care. But I think she might be quite unusual.

Good for you! And she might not be unusual at all given that you offered her a reasonable and believable explanation that she can understand and even identify with.

[jacypods]

We have had the conversation a couple of times, but finally just decided it was a fact. He enjoys it, and it's part of who he is, so how can we make it both enjoyable and guilt-free for him, while making sure I'm not uncomfortable. I mean, I love hockey, it's just who I am, and he has to accept that. In the end it's not that different. We all have different things that make us feel happy or fulfilled or at peace and it's sort of impossible to track down the "why" of those things. My feeling is that everybody should be allowed to love what they love, and people in relationships just need to be open to finding a happy medium in the expression of our personalities.

[cindylouho]

Aside from the myriad of underlying reasons why we desire to dress, at the root isn't it simply because it helps bring out the woman in us? My wife noticed the second I'm dressed I walk differently, I always knew that but always thought I was trying to walk that way.