Unfortunate update

[Jane G]

As others have said. You need to get your wife to go to the therapist too. She needs to hear from some one neutral, how it is. That you probably will always want to dress and that there is likely nothing more to it than that. Right now, you can be fairly sure, she is grabbing info from all sorts of uncontrolled sources and coming to conclusions based on mixed information. You have dropped a bomb on the person she knew. She needs to understand that person is still there, but has a few extra parts to him. You can't tell her that, until some one neutral has talked to her and she understands it is indeed you talking. We only ever saw the therapist once together, but it was worth it's weight in gold for us. Good luck.

[britskye]

Thank you Jane, my fingers have been crossed all day waiting for her to speak up about help finding therapists on our network, but she's been working off and on so tomorrow may be more likely

[AngelaYVR]

Eight years ago my wife threatened to leave me if I ever took it further than stockings and bought myself some heels. I bought the heels. Last night we went to see Top Gun (highly recommended) together with me in my heels - and everything else. The week before we went to dinner and then a walk along the ocean front. Never give up!

[DianeT]

Twisting your wife's wrist until she yields. Why didn't we think about it? Brit has apparently chosen a different path.

[Jade P]

Angela, That is amazing! That gives me hope! It took me 40 years to accept myself, I will give my wife all the time she needs.

[*ROXY*]

Hi Brit,
My story is I married my wife 14 years ago. I told her about my crossdressing 4 years into our marriage. We went through a lot of emotions over a couple of days but we talked (a lot), we still do. Over time we discussed and agreed compromises. Both of us. I moved slowly and discussed everything before adding new items to my ensemble, from underwear to nightwear. It stayed that way for quite a while and eventually moved to dresses and shoes. Wigs came last but to be honest I find them annoying and hot so I only wear them when we go out (sometimes once a year).

The big thing is this. She didn't know about this side of me before we got married. I didn't have the confidence to tell her and part of me thought if I got married and had children the feelings would subside. They didn't. There are very few women who revel in the thought of their manly husband dressing up as a woman, that still hasn't changed, I know she would prefer that I didn't dress at all but she knows it's something I need to do and we constantly keep an open dialogue about it, how she feels, how I feel (as both are important). Don't try and bulldoze your way through this as it will end badly. Please, please don't listen to the "she can't dictate how you live your life and this is just something she's gotta deal with" brigade because unless you've already made your mind up, heaping that responsibility on her shoulders and making it her problem will only end one way. This is a huge thing, although it just seems like clothes it isn't. People change, some transition, some have to go out in public, others are content with DADT only you and your wife can make these decisions.

I'm constantly told "you're so lucky", I'm not. I communicate, I rescind, I listen, I occasionally push the boundaries but back down if it's not comfortable. Sometimes the thought is worse that the reality. I still question if there is something more to dressing than just enjoying the experience and I have a few wobbles where I question if I am trans. If I do that, your wife is probably constantly on the lookout for signs you might too.

I hope things work out well but remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and you need to tread slowly and carefully. If you love your wife, give her time, make time when you don't dress or even talk about it so it's not 24/7 in her face. It does help.

Roxy
x

[Stephanie47]

Brit, in response to my comment at #16 and your comment/response at #17, all I will add is, if we were talking about a woman whose her husband was monitoring her every movement, it would be termed an abusive controlling relationship with potential dire consequences for the wife. Most psychologists would tell the woman to have an exit strategy. Any way you slice it, it is controlling behavior. Good luck.

[*ROXY*]

In response to abusive controlling relationship, was this happening before you told her about your dressing ?
Maybe it's an irrational and emotional response and paranoia from someone who is feeling a breech of trust in their eyes.
If, however, it's been present in the relationship before now and has simply raised it's head again then that is different.
Jumping from "oh my god my husband likes to dress as a women" to she's going to bury you under the patio isn't likely.

[britskye]

In response to abusive controlling relationship, was this happening before you told her about your dressing ?
Maybe it's an irrational and emotional response and paranoia from someone who is feeling a breech of trust in their eyes.
If, however, it's been present in the relationship before now and has simply raised it's head again then that is different.
Jumping from "oh my god my husband likes to dress as a women" to she's going to bury you under the patio isn't likely.

To the best of my knowledge it wasn't happening before i told her about my dressing. Yes, we both use the monitoring app on occasion to check to see where the other is. This time though, the way she told me she doesn't trust me if i'm not where i say i am, caused a bit more concern. I think it is just an emotional response and i likely blew it out of proportion.

[*ROXY*]

Give her time. Don't overreact to emotionally charged decisions. If we all did that every time of the month we'd be getting divorced lol

[Pumped]

Eight years ago my wife threatened to leave me if I ever took it further than stockings and bought myself some heels. I bought the heels. Last night we went to see Top Gun (highly recommended) together with me in my heels - and everything else. The week before we went to dinner and then a walk along the ocean front. Never give up!

My wife was about the same, although she never threatened divorce. She was solidly against me dressing.

Over time she decided she loved me no matter and has come to accept it. Today I know if I wanted to go out on the town dressed, she would be right there with me. I don't even begin to pass, so although I would love to venture out, I will not.

[char GG]

I printed out this stage of grief list when my hubby first started dressing. Although the article pertains to death of a loved one, however, the article actually helped me get in touch with what I was feeling at the time: It may help you understand how your wife is feeling because it seems to follow the same pattern for different life situations (handicapped child, cancer diagnosis, life changing injury, etc).

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief

Your wife seems to be in the denial/anger/bargaining stage. I think you will have to understand that she is going to feel all of these things regardless of what you do. There is no blueprint, order, or timetable. Your role is to be understanding and kind. I will again stress to keep the communication open. Don't jump to conclusions, don't do anything radical, don't make her feel guilty for feeling the way she does.

You have had most of your life to get in touch with what you are feeling, please allow her as much time as she needs to process her feelings. You may have been a CDer when she married you but that is new news to her. Not part of the original package that was presented to her.

[giuseppina]

I've made the suggestion about couples therapy. she'd like to try therapy on her own first and i'm ok with that.
i agree that part of her issues with it is how it may affect her if it ever became public knowledge. ...

That's good she wants to try a therapist. I would insist on a graduate of an accredited program dealing with marriage counselling or mental health (social work, PhD psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, marriage counsellor, etc.) who is regulated and licensed by a regulatory body with the authority to discipline errant members for failing to uphold reasonable and proper professional standards, up to and including revocation of licensure. If it is anything like engineering where I live, these standards are written into law.

Experience with gender variance is useful but not essential. The main things are they don't take sides or have an axe to grind; if this happens, I would be inclined to call them out on it.

Members of the clergy, as a rule, do not meet this standard. Yes, some are defrocked from time to time, but they don't have the mental health expertise required.

[Di]

She's now watching my every move and questions where i am and why i'm there if it happens to not be where i said i'd be.

Well all I can say when something has been hidden she probably worries what else is hidden.
Trust is broken.
Glad she will go to the therapist.
Also depending on where she went to look for answers , I know many GGs read here on open forum and there can be all kinds of things on here that can freek her out.
And there is a forum out there for women that really hate on CDs / telling horror stories.
Be best if real info came from you and the therapist.

I know many of the things I read on here did not apply to us and many new GGs think reading in this section that everything they read will be the same with their hubby / 639 guests reading here right now.
Hope as things get more settled with understanding on other sides we do have a Fab section here she can talk freely in ( I mean in the future )
Most importantly how many years did it take for you to come to grip with it?
She deserves the same grace cut her some slack.
Again you do not know where she might be getting info and probably is frighten and feels betrayed.

Last but not least I find your friends after divorce thread sad as it this early shows where your mind is going ( imho)
Re read Chars posts please.
Really hope she is not reading here, and I hope things get sorted .
Do not give up yet

ADD
One day later we have several threads from married / closeted CDs posting sex with men threads
You google crossdressing and you get this and the hate crossdressing site on top ( from wives that left CDs )
And again her info should come from you and or the therapist.
Wives not familiar with cross-dressing are going to have a fear that this is what their husbands gonna do to them. We hear it all the time from new GGs that read here before joining .
Right now we have 566 guests reading .
Why your wife might not trust you could be combined all the years it was hidden and her maybe looking for answers and seeing such terrifying things.

[Jade P]

Char I totally see your point. I have seen my wife go through all the stages. Seems more accepting of my crossdressing and me being gender fluid. Of course she would rather me be a normally masculine man.

[Kelli_cd]

So, you tell her you're going to Bob's Bar & Grill but when she checks the tracking app she finds you're at Jane's Jamaican House.
Why do you lie about where you're going?
I can see why there are trust issues.

[Genifer Teal]

The thrill of marriage should come from intimacy between two partners. It seems she might feel that thrill is coming from your dressing which she probably sees as a fetish. Now that she feels she no longer is the center of your attention she may feel like you are cheating on her. Hard to make that work in a marriage.
No idea what's really going on. Just my thought.

[Di]

Had time to clean up the arguments.
STOP THE BACK AND FORTH with other members .
Direct your comments to the OP
Let us try to be adults and help and if you disagree…with someone’s advice so be it. Move on and
Stop the RIGHT fighting .
Let us see if can continue.

[Tamroi]

It is possible to cross dress
without talking about it
and without trying to look female.
Please simply try publicly wearing
some things you like
and in response to any comment
simply say 'Why Not?'.
For some events my wife says
'You should wear pants to this'
and so I do.

[docrobbysherry]

The fact is that people change and grow apart. That's why most marriages fail. When CDing is involved it's usually just one more issue in a litany of them!

Britsky, if you've grown apart and find u can't make your marriage work anymore? Hopefully you'll both agree that the kids come 1st when u divorce!

When my ex and I split, it was a very lengthy and rancorous process! But, we agreed on NOT bringing our young children into it.
And, they were much happier living with us individually then together with all the arguing and negativity!

[Stephanie47]

Reading this thread and others of a similar nature I have to wonder sometimes what's the cost of victory? There have been endless threads about full disclosure before marriage and later the shit hits fan. There can be any number of reasons. After the dust has been settled. Where will each stand? I've read postings on sites that are definitely not accepting of cross dressing that a wife will come to have a mental image of her husband en femme, whether or not she has ever seen a picture or him in the flesh. The issue will always be in the back of her mind. How will that shape the future? Will that app always be turned on? Even if she does not ask about a delay in coming home, will she always be tossing in her mind "What is he doing? Where is he?" The husband can be true to his word, and, still get the short end of the stick. Trust runs two ways. She does not trust him. And, he is not being trusted, no matter what he does. Basically, a living mental hell. You may think you have it all ironed out, but, you really don't.

When you get closer to the end of life it becomes natural to start running "The What if?" You start reflecting on the choices you made. Some may not have been the best. And, some may be great. Sometimes there are "deal breakers." Basically, I have found the choices I have made have fully accepted within my heart.

Going to marriage counseling will only get issues out in the open. Genuine acceptance?