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  1. #1
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Yes, and ...

    Almost all of us here on crossdressers.com are in some form of relationship or another with a significant other (SO). Almost without exception, we will at some time or another need to have a discussion about the role and function of our crossdressing in our relationship.

    It seems to me that there are four possible outcomes:

    1. No, and ... which is where your significant other will not countenance any level of crossdressing in your relationship and expresses this in no uncertain terms. This tends to end in the break-up of a relationship.
    2. No, but ... which is your typical DADT relationship, where the SO knows you dress in secret, but refuses to acknowledge it or have any part of it. Such relationships can, and do, survive.
    3. Yes, but ... which is where discussion leads to the laying down of mutually agreed boundaries, usually involving crossdressing only at home, or away from home, on one?s own. One?s SO says, yes, but only under certain circumstances. There is a level of participation involved. Such members on the forum are usually envied for having accepting partners.
    4. Yes, and ... which is where one?s SO is fully accepting of one?s crossdressing and is prepared to fully embrace it. This may include going out together, or even eventually agreeing to a full transition, without separating. There are many instances of this on the forum, and I hold such couples in high esteem!

    My failed marriage fell into the first category; my present relationship probably falls into category 3.

    Where does your relationship fit? Why? For what reason? How did it come about?
    Last edited by GaleWarning; 06-05-2022 at 08:34 PM.

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    Gale, I have some disagreement with the categories, especially your definition of DADT. My relationship is actually a blend of number 2 and 3. She knows. We have boundaries. I wear panties openly with her and she knows that I dress, just doesn?t want to be around me when I fully dress, or discuss it. I think there is a wide variety of relationships, more of a continuum from fully open and supportive to fully closed and rejecting. I would hesitate to oversimplify by breaking it down into only four categories. Nancy
    Last edited by NancyJ; 06-06-2022 at 05:27 AM.

  3. #3
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    So yours is a mixture of 2 and 3, Nancy, and you have explained the reasons for this. I'm happy with that.
    This is not a market research survey, so I am not going to press you to choose either 2 or 3!

    How did it come about?
    Last edited by GaleWarning; 06-05-2022 at 08:43 PM.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    My wife and I are a strong Yes,but...My CDing is fully accepted by my wife. She does participate with me up to a point,helping and teaching me the dark art of makeup, helping me select wardrobe, offering assistance with my overall presentation, both in photos and in person, and perhaps best of all discussing all matters CD with me without hesitation or a sense of discomfort. There is but one condition on all this, and that is that I do not crossdress publicly. I consider this a more than equitable trade considering all I get in return, and I'm hoping one day she will warm to this is as well, and then we will be yes,and... It could happen, especially since I am not interested in transition.

  5. #5
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    Ok.twice failed, so I do not know if I should even play?but let me apply the 4 categories to two marriages that encompassed 40 years of relationships (god, that sounds like a long time). I would probably give both marriages a 2 out of 4, but mostly because I did not express myself ?hell did not even understand myself?sufficiently to ask for their support. My first wife?I honestly think would be a 4, as long as she felt included. Second wife, I?m not quite so sure?she wanted to be a 3 or 4, but well, again, I was not very good at communicating?and maybe not so good at understanding myself.

  6. #6
    Just another 'Gurl'
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    Former relationship was definitely a solid 4.
    Current marriage is probably somewhere between 3 and 4. In saying that I am not overly wanting to dress as we children in the house and I am not ready to explain this part of my life to them. As I don't have any of my own clothes around sometimes I will slip on my wife's instead.
    Just another man in a dress

  7. #7
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    I'm totally in the Yes, but column. Having said that, it has been over 25 years of the wife knowing about my dressing habits. Through this period of time the limitations have gotten lesser and lesser. I'm now probably the one know places any limitations on myself now. I would never go out dressed to the nines, I would never pass for anything other than an old guy in a dress. I do underdress all of the time, sometimes she tells me that I have lace showing, and that I need to button up one more button when we are out.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  8. #8
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    Toyally a YES AND relationship. Why? Because I told my partner 3 weeks into the relationship. It makes no sense it this day and age that someone starts a relationship without this being totally in the open.
    She totally loves and supports me just as I love and support her.

  9. #9
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    We are at #4, but have been at all the other steps getting there.

  10. #10
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Between 3 and 4 (married 47 years)

  11. #11
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    You have left out the outcome where the spouse doesn't know, and having met two CDs in real life for which that is the case, and having been on this board for regularly for over five years, a fairly significant portion of this forum (probably greater than 10%) have never disclosed to their spouse/significant other.

    And the question of the survival of the marriage is likely in many cases unrelated to the items you list, as 45% of marriages end in divorce. There are a ton of reasons why people divorce, and multiple categories of how crossdressers and spouses interrelate. They just don't fit neatly into small different boxes.
    I'm Sun-Dee at Kandi's Land; read about my outings here:

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  12. #12
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Number 4 hits me big time, I have had a GF for about5 years, 3yrs ago , and pre Covid i told here i dressed and all was well we went out shopping and restaurents then slowly things change, "your boobs are too big, your pants are too short,(over here the fashion is for ankle length pants) visiting one day with an bove the knee black leather skirt to be met with "what have you got that on I hate leather skirts " I could go on but it would take a long time to explain it all but suffice to say this last week has been the straw that broke the camels back and next week i will be telling her "that's it i have had enough"
    Not exactly a bed of roses and not what i envisaged would turn out to be like it has, many aspects of dressing she previously seemed to accept are now not acceptable and seeing as we are not married we are free to go our ways which is what i will be doing.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  13. #13
    Senior Member Angela Marie's Avatar
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    I would say almost a 4. I told my wife on our second date. She accepts my crossdressing and a number of years ago actually went to a few parties with me. She has since decided that is not her thing. She has no issue with me being dressed and going out. She just asks that I be careful and not do anything foolish. Not a bad situation.

  14. #14
    Member Gi Gondin's Avatar
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    First you of all I am impressed by the average score of this answers! Very encouraging.
    My relationship is a 4+. Telling her at the very beginning was fundamental to this outcome.
    Other than making sure that she would stick with me even if I transitioned, she is the one giving me heels and scheduling makeovers? a dream come through as I frequently tell her.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Debbie Denier's Avatar
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    I have been at 1 but since slipped into 2.

  16. #16
    Member JennyMay's Avatar
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    Not quite 4 but nearly. Fully accepting but keep it at home.

  17. #17
    Member Teresa.Smith.VA's Avatar
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    My relationship is also a 4+ because I revealed my interest in CDing shortly after we met. My wife is totally accepting of Teresa. No restrictions.

    We enjoy our time together as "girl friends" with frequent outings to dine, grocery shopping, movies, even vacations frequently.

    I am surely one of the luckiest strait cross dressers on the planet.
    Last edited by Teresa.Smith.VA; 06-09-2022 at 10:44 AM. Reason: One word change.
    I honor my wife's request that I not post pictures.

  18. #18
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Gale, my wife and I are in the third category. She is accepting and boundaries have been set. While the dressing is a total turn off for her and she doesn't want to see me (which suits me fine), she is supportive, since she bought me some makeup, gave me clothes, let me borrow a necklace. The very late coming out causes a lot of damage, trust was broken and needs mending. She doesn't always know if I'm telling the truth and not keeping information from her. However she is not overly suspicious, it's just that she can't believe me a 100% anymore. She's a loving wife, who does her best given the circumstances and what I did to her.

  19. #19
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    We are a 3. Her major rule is not to see me dressed. Other than that, she is pretty much ok with my dressing.
    Sara

  20. #20
    Silver Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    I am a Yes but. She has spent a few evenings with me dressed. I am no longer asked if I am gay. I am asked not to leave the house. ( I still go out shopping). I am lousy at taking directions.

  21. #21
    Member Mary Loo's Avatar
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    I would say we are somewhere between 2 & 3. It sort of depends on her mood.

    She is certainly aware and not a NO and also certainly not a YES or participatory. She has established that she doesn’t want to see me because she says she will never be able to unsee me that way and is afraid it will therefore alter our relationship. After 30+ years together, neither of us want to jeopardize that. She has been helpful at times and on occasion is willing to talk about it, but despite knowing very early on in our relationship, she has never been forced to come to terms with it until recently because I really was only on the fringe of actions until recently. In other words I kept it completely closeted and it was reasonably rare, plus no real enhancements.

  22. #22
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    I would say number 2, "No but ..."

    To me, number 2 equates to "Tolerate" but not accept. I call it, "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil."

    We do have boundaries that allow me to go out occasionally, but she will not participate in any form. As someone said above, she doesn't want to see me, even in pictures, because then she'll never be able to un-see me.

    My equivalent categories are:
    1. Hates
    2. Tolerates
    3. Accepts
    4. Participates
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  23. #23
    Senior Member Jenn A116's Avatar
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    I'd say Yes, but...

    My wife of 25 years has know about Jennifer since before we got married. I felt she needed to know about that part of me. She often attributes some of my kinder traits to the Jenn side.

    So, why the but? Because even with her acceptance the days that Jenn appears are a bit uncomfortable. When Jenn is not around, we regularly touch, hug and kiss through out the day. Very frequently. Its just the way we are. But when Jenn is around there is none of that. We still carry on normal conversations but the dynamic is different.

    Oh, and Jenn only appears in the house. She doesn't got out.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  24. #24
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Prior to 10 years ago, my wife, by her own admission, never knew a thing about that side of me. Not unusual. SO's (either way) often only see what fits their image of how their partner is without any recognition of other aspects. When I came out 10 years ago my wife was shocked and very hurt, as expected. It was rough for awhile but after 43 years of marriage (at that point - now 53) we have always worked things out by compromise and agreements and a good deal of empathy and compassion on both sides. So we would fit into your category 3. I do wear a lot of feminine colored shirts, a pair of flats around the house, and sometimes panties. So that fits as well.

    I really think you need to modify your category 2 to allow for those situations where the SO does not know OR create a new category where that is the case and it is all a secret. Secret keeping is very common in most relationships, but most of the time it involves minor things. When it involves major things like crossdressing, having affairs, being dishonest about your sexual orientation and a pile of other things the relationship is at serious risk of failing if the secret is found out.

    Admitting to a secret, if done correctly (not being bull headed and demanding or dictatorial) can often end well. I have seen here people whose marriage have ended badly and they are perplexed as to why the SO reacted to so badly. Crossdressing is often an expression of female-like emotions and behaviors that make the person who engages in the activity comfortable, but when forced on another that is a characteristic of traditional and stereotypical male-like behavior and thinking which is a total contradiction to the gender expression. That is not likely to end well at all. But full dressing is rare and that is OK because we operate on the basis of compromise agreements which respect the more esoteric existence of a loving relationship between two people that are not identical.
    Last edited by GretchenM; 06-06-2022 at 07:25 AM.

  25. #25
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    #3 for me.

    Nighties and panties are ok. In recent years, I've been able to add to the "nightwear" category in the form of a bathrobe and slippers.

    Nothing else is OK. Even though she knows I have more stuff hanging in the closet. She doesn't want to see me in any of it.

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