I've been trying to decide what where I'm going with me. When I started at Torrid, I thought that would be a week at best and I'd get mocked, threatened or worse and quit to be safe. None of that happened, I quit because the Holiday season was over. I've been living more openly, going out and about my day as I see fit, which seems more and more to be presenting as a women, as much as a just over 6 foot tall man can. With and without my wife I go to the gym, movies, lunch, groceries, bar, dinner, shopping, a Dr appointment, and yesterday a eye exam. I don't change my voice. I get sir'ed or mam'ed depending on the person, place and level of style of clothes and didn't seem to be in a rude way. Dr's office the assistant that called me back for the check-in stats was caught a little off when she called my male name and I responded, asked nicely about my gender. Same at my eye dr yesterday.

All that to say I was scared to talk to my wife for years about this. First time didn't go well and it took us about 25 years to get to a point were we could, and things have gone well beyond what I would have thought back then. I was scared to walk out the door and into the world (some times still am) but so far so good, the world hasn't imploded. But why? I read of other's in much more "open minded" areas of the world and wonder are they just unlucky or am I not paying attention in a fantasy world or living a lie?

There is my job, I have never called work a career, that I would be surprised if they weren't thinking something was up. While I go to meetings on Zoom, they can't have missed my nails for the last two years, Dell made sure to put the camera were my hands are in clear view when I type. I've also been growing my hair out and it's gotten pretty long. Two years ago when we were in the office it had been three years since I had worn men's pants/shorts, so what is a change in tops going to do? And if I'm wearing blouses, bras and forms?

My best friend, if he doesn't think something and is just never going to say anything, cool. He once asked my wife about my nails, she told him to ask me. He hasn't. He did ask when I didn't have them done, why I didn't. I wore capris to their house a few weeks ago, he did comment, but nothing really. My response was to ask if he liked them, to which he said they would be too long on him.

My parents, they've lived halfway across the country from me since I got married. Until today when they finish the last couple of hours drive to move to the opposite side of town. The first time I saw them after I started getting my nails done was the first time I had them removed for a week. The next time the visited I had clear on them and the last they were painted but not acrylics. Only comment was from my dad asking where I got them done. But now they'll be here and here I am wondering what will happen when inevitably they see me.

I'm set to go to a conference with my wife in a month, in another state. There most of those in attendance will know her and half of them will have known her for 20+ years and collaborate with her regularly. Some of her co-workers/employees will be going also. We are trying to figure out how I'll dress while there. She's not too concerned about friends and thinks they will be totally cool. Her employees, well, that's iffy. Also on this trip we'll see long time friends, best man at each other's weddings friends. I've decided we'll either be friends or we won't after this trip.

As I've rambled on, I am still trying to figure out, am I living a fantasy or a lie to myself or maybe the world isn't as bad as it seems sometimes.